screpfroat, stumickvyris, flew

That's what I've been exposed to since Christmas. Niece had da screpfroat, but supposedly wasn't contagious when we were with them. Oh yeah, didn't mention the cold/sinus junk everyone has been sharing at work. As for thatnastvirus, I've been around no fewer than EIGHT people who had it. And directly taken care of 3 of them - washing their dishes, cleaning their toilets and pukebuckets, waking up to the sound and smell of active puke-fest next to my head. And sister took babynephew to dr today, and he has the stinkin' flu. The sister and baby who were spending the night when the virus struck. The baby I held and cuddled and snuggled, trying to keep him away from his pukey mama. Yeah.
I've had a migraine since I woke up, that meds haven't touched. I've been warm/cold/warm/cold/warm/cold all day. Started coughing. Yucky nose. Feel like poo. What are my chances of having the flu? (Insert sarcastic laugh here) No time for dr - got a loooooong day of work tomorrow, much like the rest of the week has been.
I asked them to drag my dead body over to the dr office next door if I kill over at work tomorrow.

White Christmas made for a spend the night party, and a virus

First, Christmas was great, and we were able to travel everywhere we were supposed to go, and I was fine! We had our first white Christmas, and it's still here this morning. Snow doesn't happen very often, and it certainly doesn't stick much, and for it to stay over 24 hours is amazingly rare! We had fun playing yesterday.
Older sister and her brood live over the mountain, so they spent the night last night.
There's been lots of sickness going arounf the schools and places, and I have managed to dodge the proverbial bullet, even though I've been exposed a million and one ways. Not so sure I'll dodge this one though!
We pulled out both "couchbeds," as my nephews call them, and the 3 kids, sister, and I slept on them, hubby slept in our bed. Around 7;30 this morning, middle nephew woke up beside me. Puking. Yuck. He said his tummy didn't hurt or feel funny, and that he had a hiccup that made him puke. We were thinking, hoping, praying that was the case, until around an hour later. While sister was cleaning him up, we heard hubby in the other bathroom. He's quite a bit sicker than nephew. Sister and I are trying to decide if we really feel bad, or if it's just an impending sense of doom. Hoping the rest of us avoid it, but not really sure how that's gonna happen!

Peace on Earth... and in my heart

Yes, it's Christmas Eve. I'm not spazzing like I thought I would be! (I know it's early lol) there's a tinge of sadness, but mostly just peace. I half-way joked yesterday that God was showing me great grace and mercy (boss on vacation, only tech missed half the day b/c she was siiiiiiiiiiiiick and had been all week but chose the one day there was no back-up for her to go to the stinkin' dr, MONDO amounts of work that HAD to get done! NOW!!!!) because it was a relatively quiet day, and I didn't have to work late. But for real, I'm feeling the grace and mercy. Aaaaand, now I'm crying because I'm okay! Hahaha but that's a good thing. So now I enjoy the moments with the niece and nephews and family, and enjoy the quiet moments at home. I know there's no guarantee my house will be louder next year, but if this is my last quiet Christmas, I'm determined to enjoy it and not wish it away. Merry Christmas, everyone! May God show you grace and mercy as well. Hope you all enjoy your days!

Promise I didn't fall off the edge

I'm still holding on! Granted, it's a slippery slope this time of year, and add on who-knows-what-they'll-come-up-with-next at work and well... Let's just say I've started-deleted-started-over-lost-started-over-trashed-it-and-gave-up a wholelotta posts in December.
So I started out in July, singing Christmas music @ church choir practice, and thought this year was gonna be a breeze. The music for this year brought me to a place of worship, instead of running for the bathroom. Let's face it, a holiday focused on sweet little baby born to virgin mommy kinda kicks infertiles in the face repeatedly. Add in presh little cherubs all dressed up and Santa and Silent Night and buying lots of toys for other people's children and knowing YOUR babies are probably alive somewhere in the world but not with you, and you've got a little less than the most wonderful time of the year.
Yes... I try not to dwell on it, but I'm fully aware that my babies are who-knows-where, being treated like who-knows-what, on Christmas. Are they cold tonight, as the temp drops into the teens? Are they safe with loving foster parents, baking cookies and being an angel in the church play? Are they still being subjected to whatever will bring them into care? I can only pray that God is holding them, keeping them safe. That's the only thing keeping me sane.
The girls I teach on Wednesday nights hit the nail on the head... Everyone asks me what I want for Christmas, and I just tell them I don't know... When I know very well what I want - my babies, HOME, for Christmas and forever... But that's something nobody can get for me. "I don't know" works on grown-ups, or maybe it's just that they have a filter that keeps them from doing what my girls do. As they are all hanging on me, hugging me, and trying be the one closest to me, they ask me what I want for Christmas, and I give them the standard "IDK." At least one of them will say "I bet you just want your baby." Ah, sweet little girls. I love them all, and only wish that grown-ups could be so tender and thoughtful.
I've managed to keep it together in public - all of my church Christmas stuff is over, and I made it through all those events without a tear. My nephews' play is this Sunday night, so we'll see what happens when I'm not preoccupied with singing and keeping little ones on stage and passing out presents.
Maybe that's why I procrastinate so much - if I stay insanely busy, I don't have time to stop and think about anything.
And speaking of busy, we found out over the weekend that we're having my dad's side of the family over Saturday for Christmas. This tree's not gonna decorate itself, so I'd better get back to busy!

It's not even 9pm...

...And both batches of brownies are cooling. Supper is done and waiting on hubby to get home - a big pot of soup so I can freeze what's left. Pasta salad is done and in the fridge. 1 casserole for lunch and supper are mixed together, ready to chunk in the oven in the morning and afternoon. There is a very minimal mess to clean up. I've gotta mix another casserole, then decide if I want to do pigs in a blanket and split a cake into 2 smaller ones.
I might get to watch the parade on tv tomorrow! Sometimes it's more fun to *not* fly by the seat of your pants!

New Friends, and Playing with the Nephews

Please excuse the non-blogging. I've been sleeping more, going to bed earlier, and ah, just give me more sleep. And looking for adoption stuff for fb. :)
We had our community revival last week - most of the churches in our community come together, we have services @ different churches, and each pastor has their night to preach. We have several new pastors, and one of them and his family could easily be our new friends! He preached one night, and touched on the adoption topic, mentioning the very verse I had read the night before. So after the service, I thanked him and told him I had just read the verse and we were getting ready to adopt... And he told me their son was adopted! It was an awesome story - they had tried some fertility stuff, suffered a loss, and decided to adopt instead. It happened really quickly, then they ended up conceiving on their own a year later - and now have 2 under 2! The last night, I met his wife and children. Both nights, we all talked for a while.
It wouldn't seem like a big deal to some, but keep in mind that we live in the middle of nowhere. Adoption playgroups do not exist, the path hubby and I are on is "weird" and people just can't understand why we wouldn't "try for our own kids." So to meet another youngish couple who share our heart for adoption, and "get" why we've made the decisions we have, is a big moment!
Nephews... I didn't get to see them last week, because of revival and funeral home stuff. I missed them like crazy! So yesterday after church, we all ate at my parents' house, and my job for the rest of the afternoon was to play. The other grown-ups got the house cleaned up and ready to decorate for Christmas, and Aunt NotTheMama just PLAYED. It was warm, and dry, so we were outside. "Outside play," in the baby's words. We played ball, and ran around, and tackled each other, and jumped on Aunt NotTheMama, and rolled around in the grass, and played chase... It was such a great afternoon! They are all hilarious, and say the funniest things. The baby will be 2 next month, and he is really starting to talk, and say things that HE comes up with on his own, instead of just repeating whatever we say. He like to say "Ummmmm..." when you ask him something. They are all such little hams!
So, if I disappear again for a while, you know I'm either sleeping or playing... Or if it's Friday, I'll be shopping!

Sometimes, it's just too much

Our dogs had their puppies... Yes, both of them. On the same day. I believe in sharing, but that is just ridiculous! We have 14 lab-somethings. Welcome to Aunt NotTheMamas, where the dogs get knocked up easily and quickly and give birth at the same time, the tomato plant is very fertile, and the humans are anything but...
My mom backed into my car, then hubby and I were an hour away from home when his truck exploded and we were stranded in the cold parking lot for over an hour. A kind man and woman stopped and told us it sounded like we had blown a spark plug. A gracious friend made the hour drive to tow us in, and is working on it. Again, ridiculous.
We're back to one car, and it needs some body work now. This is the week hubby has to stay late at work. It's also our community revival.
But it's not all crappy things happening in two's. I baby-sat 4 siblings Friday night, and they told their parents I was the best sitter ever, and they want me to move in. They keep asking for me. Today at lunch, the waitress couldn't figure out who our niece and nephew belonged to. They wanted me to sit between them, and I just did what I always do, coloring with them, playing, and without asking, I automatically jumped in and cut up the little guy's food. Everyone bragged on Aunt NotTheMama on a day she really needed to hear something good. One full week of work, then a 3-day week. Another full week, then I'm using my remaining 4 days of vacay. Not sure if we'll be able to go anywhere after we fix both vehicles, but the time away from work and together will be enough. Work continues to be not fun or nice.
The porch railing is coming along, they just have 3 more pieces. I feel like we've kind of stalled out on the adoption process, until we finish this project. We still haven't sold our old house.
One day, life will be better. things will improve, someone will need our old house, our new house won't be so quiet, my job will change or go away, and life will be better. Apparently Someone wants me to work on my patience until that day :)

I wish, but i'm glad

I've started a post for several days now, only to delete it and go to sleep. I've begun to blog about the way I wish things could be... I wish I could feel nothing beyond total happiness when someone makes their big announcement, but there's a varying degree of sadness thrown in the mix. I wish I didn't think it so strange that so many only have to fall into bed to procreate. I wish my sadness didn't apparently come across as anger to some.
But at the same time, I'm glad... I'm glad that I can be walking down the street, see a child of any nationality, any shade of skin, and think "that could be MY CHILD!" I am not limited to dreams of a tiny, squalling, naked newborn covered in slime; no, when I dream of how my children come to me, I am not limited at all!!! I see different ages, races, developmental stages... I'm glad that I have a lot of mommies in my life who know how much I love children, and are happy to hand off their babies to Aunt NotTheMama for a few hours. So many just let me love on their kids and spoil them and play. Mama gets a little time away, too, which makes her a better mommy. I'm glad we have had time to prepare for life with kids, and we have had time to ourselves.
It's so important on this journey to keep a proper perspective. Without perspective, it's easy to turn to the bitter side.
Last night, I kept an old friend's 4 children, ages 2-5th grade. It was the easiest baby-sitting I have done, they were great kids, I made 20 bucks that I fully intend to just spend on myself because I can, but best of all, the 8-year-old daughter told her mom I was the best baby-sitter ever. A 2-year-old who has only seen me a handful of times, has never played with me, and didn't know my name didn't bat an eye when her parents left, reached up for me to hold her, and laid in my lap at bedtime. Most kids do trust me like that. Those times take away the bitterness and the hurt intended by other people. :)

Really Mine?!

I got (read: picked out for myself) the best book for my berfday last night. It's by Mary Beth Chapman! And it's called Choosing to See. The lady at the bookstore told me to be ready to cry, and that she and her 18-year-old daughter couldn't finish it. I was already tearing up just looking at the pictures! I was ready for sleep when we got home, but ended up reading over half the book before I couldn't force my eyes to stay open any longer.
It hit me like when my nephews and cousins tackle me and I'm not expecting it...
MBC was writing about the moments before Shaohannah was brought to their room, about how she (MBC) was still nervous, scared, and unsure... But when that door opened, she ran... RAN and grabbed her little baby Shaohannah and hugged her up and was immediately, undoubtedly, forever Shaohannah's Mommy.
That's when it hit me... I. Will. Be. Mommy. Not Aunt "N," as I am to more children than just my "real" nieces and nephews. Not just n##e""s**s//a to the adults who feel silly calling me "aunt." Not "just" the aunt, or the babysitter, or the ss teacher, or the friend. Mama. Mommy. Forever. My child. I don't have to send him back home the morning after spending the night. She will run to ME with her skinned knees and broken heart.
Warning: this will sound selfish and childish and you very well may think I should just grow up, already... But I have waited a long time for this, and seen it happen for so many others, so many times. I've wanted so badly to be Mommy. Yes, I'm reaching that (self-proclaimed) status I said I'd never reach - the Baby-Starved Wingnut. And I don't even care. Here's that selfish/childish/grow-up-already part: s/he is MINE, and I DON'T hafta share!!! Mine to hold, and feed, and change, and give baths, and rock, and only share when I darn well feel like it! Oh, I hope to not hurt feelings, and I'm so afraid I will. I fear that I won't be willing to let anyone else hold my baby; grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends who have waited so long, too, will want their turn. I'm already the baby hog - as in, if we are at a bday party or church or wherever, when I get whatever baby is there, I don't share well. I admit it, unapologetically.
I know it won't be all rainbows and butterflies. I will eventually want a break. I will eventually look forward to spend the night parties with Grandma or aunts. I will gladly say, "Oh, you can change him," gladly let someone else feed the messy little booger. Eventually. But for the first little bit, I am the mommy, so you'd better back off. Please :)

**'s

** I'm freezing. With flannel sheets, one of those soft/fuzzy hotel blankets, a comforter, and wrapped in a fuzzy lap blanket, and sweatpants and a longsleeved tshirt, I'm laying in bed freezing. But we will NOT turn on the heat just yet. Because we may need the air again any day now. This is the time of year we just let the heat/air rest, and freeze or sweat, depending on the season of the day.
** I'm up late. 2 things I wanted to watch on tv, I made it through half of the second one. I've been falling into bed between 7:30 and 9:30 the past couple weeks.
** My stomach hates me. But the scales are thrilled that I either have to eat something bland, or stay near a restroom for a while. Thinking it's stress, but...
** Adding up everything makes me wonder if I should be making an appt. But where? With whom? And when?
** 4 vacation days. Trying to find a time when I can get away from stupid work.
** I've typed this all with one eye open, and it's about to close. Spell check will have to wait.
**Good night!

November - Thanksgiving, birthday, NAAW

... But not really in that order!
All month, it's National Adoption Awareness Month. I'm telling myself (and now all 3-ish of you) that I will post at least one adoption-related fact/verse/statistc/anecdote per day, to my f*cebook. I didn't really make that announcement on fb, because I didn't want to look like a total goof if I make it to Day 5 and get caught up in other things... Or just forget that I was going to do it, or decide to post instead about how awesome my chicken and dumplins are, even if I DID make them... But it's okay to put it here, because there is exactly one person who is my fb friend AND a reader of my blog, so I'm pretty safe... Unless the rest of you are on fb and send me a friend request! ;) (which is totally okay, too lol) People like to talk about their kids; while I'm waiting, I like to talk about how mine will join our family!
My birthday is a few days away. The last year of my 20's, but hey, all 30 means is I'm old enough to adopt from China! 28 hasn't been that bad overall, but I'm hoping 29 is better. :)
Thanksgiving... We have so much to be thankful for, and I'm working on that. I tend to see the "realistic" (read: sometimes "negative") side of things. It's easy to get caught up in the busy-ness and that feeling of being pulled in a million directions, and forget that life IS good, things could actually be MUCH worse, and one day things WILL get better.
Of course there's also shopping, and holiday-vacation time, and family time, and hopefully a completed porch rail and home study. Busy month!

Train up a tween in the way she should roll, and when she is old, she will teach someone else...

The 4-6 grade girls I teach at church have been begging me to go roll yards with them. But they rolled my yard a couple of times instead! So Wednesday night after class, they asked me if I could take them, and I said sure. So one of their moms met hubby and me for supper, then took off. The first yard was not very successful, and the mom of the house was actually kind of mad - HER boys don't DO that kind of thing because it's soooooo TRASHY!!!! (Or fun, and the neighbors have seen those boys doing some rolling, but whatev)
We had an ah, "appointment," for our adult Sunday School class, to "visit" some new members, with our b-i-l, and the girls came along to "visit" with us. Between 15-20 of us, over 1 case, it looks good!
Finally, one of the little girls at church is kind of between that group of girls (the "big" girls) and our niece's group (the "little" girls), and she was upset b/c everybody else was getting THEIR yard rolled, and NOBODY was rolling hers!!!! So most of us went to her house and did a quick pitty job.
And now we are home... My back hurts, my legs are already sore from running, and usually that much (read: any) running brings on a migraine the next day...
BUT we had so much fun, and so did the kids! Obviously, as their teacher, imparting the word of God and helping them learn their Bible verses are very important, as is setting a good example by living what I am teaching... But sometimes, they just need to see you having fun. They need to know that it's okay to have fun, and that even grown-ups like to let loose and do ridiculous things!
I also told them that I'm only an adult when it's absolutely necessary, but the rest of the time, I just like to have fun!
Now I'm off to unlock my medicine box and get a head start on this old body!

My Parents

Hubby has been busy putting out fires for about a week now. No, for real, putting literal fires, like with flames and smoke and 911 and the whole shebang. And it sounds like the're about to get called out again...
So what's a girl to do while her hubby is busy with hoses and big trucks and a buncha men? Eat with her parents, of course! Sunday, I actually had lunch with hubby's parents, because there was a brush fire that got a house. Or house fire that turned into a brush fire, I don't really remember what caught fire first. Anyway...
Tonight the guys were gonna be busy fighting a woods fire, so my mom asked if I wanted to go eat with her and my dad. It got me thinking...
I really don't spend enough time with my family. Especially my parents, who won't be around forever. I'm ashamed to say I don't talk to my dad enough, much less see him! It's no excuse, but I get caught up with work, nieces, nephews, church, housework, etc... And sadly my parents have come after all of that. I don't expect them to be going any time soon, but you never know. None of us are getting any younger, my dad had cancer several years ago, my mom has RA and other stuff... I've got to do better. I told them I would cook for them soon... But what I really need to do is just go over and hang out, or invite them to do the same. And thank them for all the sacrifices they made, for keeping me safe, for keeping our family together through some really hard times, for staying together in a time when so many haven't. My parents are awesome, and I want to spend time with them while I can.

8, 9, 10... Ready or not, here I come!!

Please tell me everyone else saw the news story about the couple in Michigan whose children were born on 8/8/8, 9/9/9, and 10/10/10!
I smiled when I read her quote about definitely not having a 11/11/11 baby - they wanted 3, and she's glad they have that. Such thoughtful wording makes me wonder if she has a sister/friend/etc with IF.
But I have to admit, there is a part of me that would betcha 11/11/11 will be happening.

... And then the poo hit the fan

Apparently, I "st*ea*l the j*o*y" from pg announcements. And apparently, I get mad at people when they are able to make that announcement. At least that's what I was told today. And I responded that no, it doesn't make me mad, I'm GLAD other people don't have to go through this. Does it hurt? Sure. Am I a little quieter and do I keep to myself after an announcement? Sure. If that is misconstrued as anger, then I'm sorry.
Am I angry? Or what am I angry at? I'm angry at and about people who don't have the kahunas to tell me they are expecting. It makes me angry when someone maliciously keeps that news from me, but talks about it in front of me. It hurts my feelings AND makes me angry when someone kicks me when they KNOW I'm already down. I'm angry with the whole IF situation, but not with people for whom IF is not a problem. It does make me angry when a cr*ck he*d can have all the babies she wants, then people like hubby and me spend years trying to help those children straighten out their lives. I'm NOT AT ALL angry with the birthmother who knows she can't give her child the life she desires, and chooses to let someone who can do so raise that child. It takes great strength, bravery, and love to do that, and I have the most respect and gratitude for the women who make that choice.
Those announcements do in fact hurt. I can honestly say I am happy for someone, and still hurt for myself at the same time. I may need some time to digest the news, but I'm still happy for the person.
It sucks to be in these shoes... It's easy to get beaten down when announcements and big bellies and second and third and fourth children all happen so easily for everyone around you, but you've never made it past CD28, and you're trying to follow all these ridiculous rules so that someone else can tell you that you are "good enough" to adopt a child. But apparently, I'm also supposed to walk around with a crap-eating grin on my face and never be sad or upset, so I won't "st*e*al the j*o*y."

Biting My Tongue :)

No wonder my appetite hasn't been great - it's probably because I spend 3 days a week chewing in my tongue all day. :) just biding my time... Why, you ask? FCW is pregnant. FCW is telling people, and talking about her pregnancy, right smack in front of me, but doesn't have the anatomy necessary to tell me so. And it's really hard to not insert a crapload of smart aleck remarks every time she says something. I really just want to punch her in the face and tell her exactly what I think, in no uncertain terms. But instead, I keep turning the other cheek, and letting her play her game, and let God handle it. It will catch up with her eventually, and I am only responsible for myself and my reactions.

Mixed Feelings

I'm so ready for us to get a r*ail for our f*ront s*teps, finish our last 2 interviews, have our last home visit, and move on to the wait. I've been having dreams of my child, of a little boy, specifically, but I can never see his face. He's never the same race, but always a boy, and always appears to be 2 or under, but always old enough to be at least sitting up. Of course, this could be because we have mostly nephews, or it could be something more. I have come to accept that this is the way we're supposed to adopt this child.
I'm not totally comfortable with this whole idea of dhr adoption, but this is what we have to work with for right now. I'm fine with the children. I know that no matter how our children come into our lives, they will all be loved and cared for the same. I understand our lives, schedules, and priorities will drastically change, albeit in a good way.
What I'm not totally comfortable with is this... I know that I am essentially taking as my own a child whose mother probably did not willingly relinquish. I know what it's like to have the choice of being able to have children taken from you, but I'm sure that is very different from having an actual child taken away.
Our county is kind of spread out, geographically. Everyone from "town" thinks it takes "forever" to get to our community. But when you get right down to it, 30 minutes is not that far. There are lots of smaller communities, but really only one central town in the county - where everyone goes to eat, see a movie, etc. There's another city we frequent in another county, about 45 minutes away from home, but we both work in that city in our county, and for weeknight or quick trips, it's that city.
Do you see where I'm going with this? Couple a small town, with family who were essentially forced to give up their child, and running into strangers that child calls mom and dad? And it's not just made-for-tv drama; I'm not just thinking about Lifetime movies. I know, in real life, a couple who still take alternate routes home, who have had the grandmother threaten to kidnap the children, who are constantly watching their backs. And that's not the life I want for my kids!
As much as I think my baby deserves a new stroller, I infinitely more think he deserves to know his history, he absolutely has every right to know where he came from, and why his eyes are brown or whether or not cancer runs in the family or that he gets his sense of humor from his biological dad. I want my child to have access to this information at the very least. I would love for my child to have a relationship with the lady who first gave him life... But in this situation through dhr, that is definitely an exception to the rule. It is up to the adopting parents to decide how much contact, if any, will be allowed. I suppose it might be easy in court to say, "Nope, we're done!" and run away with our baby... But what about later? I know that our parents will be awesome grandparents to our children, as we have watched them with our niece and nephew. But as a child who grew up without a close relationship with any grandparents, and as someone whose grandparents all died before I was really an adult, I can't take my child away from ANY of his grandparents. As the funaunt, I can't take my baby away from aunts and uncles that have cared for him. And as long as his safety and well-being are not in question, how could I take him totally, forever, completely away from the very people who gave him life? Did they make some crappy decisions? Maybe so. Did they fall into cicumstances beyond their control, that made it impossible to raise the baby they loved? It's totally possible. Does that mean they should absolutely never see this child again? Maybe it doesn't. Maybe it does, but maybe it just doesn't.
If it does, are we willing to take the necessary steps to make certain that our children are not in danger? Is it possible to always know when safety trumps knowing your family?
Of course, it all depends on the situation. Perhaps I've thought about all of this for naught. Maybe we'll never have to find out. But I want to be prepared if we do.

Why my (still hypothetical) child deserves a NEW stroller

It's Sunday. I should, and would normally, be at church, but the coughing, hacking, and sharing of germs would probably not be appreciated, especially by those 3 battling cancer in our relatively small church. And the antibiotic I finished last night has decided it really doesn't like my stomach. So anyway, here are some adoption-related thoughts I haven't taken the time to blog about...
***My baby deserves NEW. I realize that at first glance, that sounds extremely stuck-up and very new-mommyish. But... We are adopting through dhr. I have been told by a dhr worker that she had to take kids from their doctor-parents before, it's not just limited to the poor, the addicted, the abusive. At any rate, my child will be leaving a crappy situation, where he has not received the things he needed, much less wanted.
So when I went to k*ids m*rket, my sister looked at me like I was a crazy person, when I didn't purchase the ONE stroller that was for jogging, with 1 swivel-type wheel on front, and 2 big wheels in back. My reason for leaving it? It was really scratched-up, especially the tray on front. I don't want a secondhand-looking stroller before my baby is even here. My baby deserves a new stroller he can scratch up himself! I don't mean it like it sounds... I'm normally the let's-find-it-at-a-yard-sale girl. Let's look there first, and we'll buy new if we need to. Our first couch was what the previous owners didn't want to move. We sleep in the bed that was my grandfather's, I would have no other dining room table than the one I grew up sitting at for family dinners, card games, and homework time. Our guest bedroom furniture came from an aunt. Most of the toys we currently have are from my childhood. I don't mind second-hand stuff. But for my baby, my baby that may have been abused, or mistreated, or left to his on infant devices... He deserves a new stroller! Without scratches! The crib, I would use the crib my sisters and I all slept in, and older sister's boys all slept in... I know the history of that crib. I know we were all lovingly placed there after being rocked to sleep. I know none of us were left in there for days, never were we "locked" in our crib for punishment. There was a lot of love in that crib. It is still in good shape, though obviously not new after 6 babies and over 30 years, but I would use it in a second.
So I'm not above hand-me-downs. As the middle, but smallest, child, I had plenty. There was a time I had no shoes for school, and my parents couldn't buy them. A friend cleaned out her closets, gave us several bags, and the last thing in the last bag was a pair of nearly-new shoes in just my size. I cried, and wore those shoes with pride. I sometimes like hunting through the thrift store, if I'm in the right mood, and finding an awesome pair of jeans. (As long as I have some hand sanitizer close by... I feel so dirty when I leave!)
Used is fine. Used is great. There was a time when, without used stuff, we would have had to do without. I've never had a new washer-dryer, my fridge at both houses were used, we brought the verrrrry used deep freeze with us to the new house. The houses themselves were made for and used by multiple other families before we moved in them!
But we can afford a new stroller, even though the kind I'm wanting is one of the more expensive kind. Hahah no, I'm not planning to do any jogging with it, I only run if chased, but it's a LOT easier to maneuver than the other kinds. It may be a small thing to some, it may seem silly to experienced parents who know that saving a few bucks is okay, and the kid really doesn't care. Heck, he may not have ever been IN a stroller!
I don't do it because I expect my child to look up through the little sun-flap and say "Oooooh, mommy! This shiny new stroller is soooo perfect! Now I expect only the newest and best for all of my life! Thank you for caring enough to get me the stroller without the scratches!" I don't do it because I am "too good" for used, or because we just have the extra cash floating around for new EVERYTHING.
I do it because...
-My baby deserves new.
-Maybe I'm trying, in some way, to make up for whatever he's been through, probably in the same way that he'll be hugged and kissed forever, he'll have all the bedtime snacks he wants, and will be, through some eyes, spoiled rotten through and through. But he will obey, he will have manners, he will have chores, he will be expected to be the best person he can be.
-And if you come to my house around bedtime, you'd better not laugh when my teenaged son's legs are dragging the ground as I rock him to sleep. Just sayin.
I already have plans to shop for clothes at k1ds m*rket. If our adoption is timed right, I can be set with used clothing for 2 whole seasons. If it's not, I plan to get enough "new" to get us to the next KM sale.
But a new stroller, we will have.

They're on #2 (or 3, or...) and we're still sitting at a big, fat 0

It's so hard sometimes to remember that my time will come.
I look around, and so many people who married at the same time we did now have at least 2 children. People who married way after we did are teaching their babies to crawl, their toddlers to talk, their big boys to read. Bloggers I started reading a few months before our wedding have multiple children, and they had none when I started reading. On fb, I see "kids" that seemed soooo much younger than me in school, and they have multiple children.
I can't say that being a SAHM was "all I ever wanted," but I also can't say I really ever wanted to be a career-driven woman. If someone came to my house tonight, with 1-3 children, and told me I could quit my job and be a SAHM, I would probably hug them until I squeezed them in half. We are discussing and re-evaluating this whole fostering thing.
I try to remind myself that having children in your home doesn't autonatically guarantee a perfect life... That I know people who have children and are miserable, who have children and have other problems. I try to remember that my life is just different - it's not necessarily bad, we're just doing things in a different way, and we're definitely on a different - I hate to say schedule - I guess it's more that our life is taking on a different time line. My time will come and all that jazz.
I've always prided myself on being my own person, not really going along with the crowd.... But just this once, I would give almost anything to just do things the normal way.

Seeing old friends in a new light

I ran into an old kind-of-friend last week at a con*signment sa*le. We worked at the same camp, in the same department, except I was "sumrstf" and she was a "townie."
I kindasortamaybe thought there was a possibility she could be with child, but I REFUSE to ask that question unless I KNOW that I KNOW there is a baby in that belly. She and her hubby are going through the same kind of class we just finished, but they are planning to foster. We chatted for a few minutes, and both said we'd look each other up on fb.
When we connected on fb, I looked at her profile, and lo and behold, my pradar was right again - it rarely fails me! Looking back a little more, I saw a comment from another sumr-staffer who we both worked with my first summer. Through their brief exchange, I learned that they both are (or were) experiencing infertility.
If only we'd known! When we were so incredibly busy playing volleyball, going to Sonic or dollar movies, back when we had TIME to just sit and chat for hours after we finished our shifts! Which might also have been weird, I mean none of us were dating the guys we're married to now, and how would we have known where we'd be 9 or so years down the road.
I get this crazy idea every now and then of staging some sort of weekend get-together at this camp for all us infertiles. Kind of like the blogher event I've read so much about, but on a much MUCHHHHHH smaller scale. Granted I'm not really sure I could drum up an incredible amount of attendees, and I would have no clue how to set up such an event. It would absolutely NOT be to make any money, but there would be expenses, such as on-campus lodging, dining, speakers, etc. Maybe not even have set, paid speakers, but just a weekend to get together with women who are all in the same boat. You know how women like to talk - heck, I would take sitting around and just sharing our stories, sharing what's going on.
Getting back in touch with this old friend, and learning that she and another person-from-the-same-place and I are all IF, renews this idea. But how do you get from idea to actual event? I mean, wouldn't it be a little awkward to shoot a message and be all, "Hey, I noticed on your fb that you and so-and-so are infertile, too! Wanna get together and sing KumBaYah?" Not that there's anything wrong with singing KumBaYah or anything. And yes, there *was* some limited amount of campfire singing back in the day, but not KumBaYah. ;)
So... I wish we had all known about IF back then... And I wish we could all get together NOW and make it into a pseudo-conference-type-event. Any suggestions? Thoughts?

It was a fun, relaxing day -- then we hit a deer :(

Finally, after 2 weeks of unbelievable stress from my job, we had a fun, relaxing day. No emergency trips to the bathroom. We spent the middle of the day at an outdoor craft festival with hubby's family and a couple of friends. Hubby and I stayed a little longer, then did some furniture shopping and went to eat.
Then, we were 5 or 10 miles from home, I was reading something on my black*berry, heard hubby's frantic "ohhhhhh nooooo".... Followed by a flash of deer, some loud crashing and the deer disappearing under his truck. So much for relaxing! We pulled over to turn around and see if the deer was in the road and heard some horrible scrubbing... It's kinda driveable, but the way the fender is bent in, it scrubs against the tire if you turn right. If you're wondering, the deer is definitely dead.
We are fine. We have insurance. Trucks are fixable and/or replaceable... But it sure does suck. It took some work to stay calm and not have the mother of all nervous breakdowns on the side of the road... Since we still haven't sold our old house, money continues to be tight. We have different schedules, and now 1 driveable car. My job is driving me reallllllly nuts realllllly fast. How 'bout another thing to add to a growing list of things that make me want to take a long vacation and not come back? Except then we would have to own 3 houses :(...
Oh well... The important thing is we are okay. :) And we're glad we weren't in my little car. We probably wouldn't have driven OVER that deer, it would've probably totaled my little car! Just a few weeks ago, we responded to a horse vs car, and they both lost. This, too, shall pass. One day (hopefully soon), we will be past this, and life will not always be this stressfull. Or there will be different stress. Or somethin'!

I feel like a yoyo

Suffice it to say, Friday was a better day, today was more crap. Gotta love it when someone flat-out refuses to do a small thing you request. Especially when you have other things to ask of them tomorrow. :) Even better when your immediate sprvsr won't do a thing about it, and even though you hate to do it, going over her head to the next boss up is the next step. Really disappointed in both people. Gotta start going in earlier due to another employee causing problems. AAAAHHHHHH, can't we all just get along?!?!?!?!
Ah, well, at least I'm losing some weight in all of this! My stomach has been in knots for a week now. My appetite has gone wayyyyyyy down, and whatever I do eat isn't staying with me for long. (Don't feel like I really have to say this here, but NO, I'M NOT so don't even suggest it)
I liked my job a lot better when things were much more simple... This too shall pass... Isn't that how it's supposed to go? Just trying to hang in there until it does finally pass!

Discouraged, Disappointed but not surprised

---wishing I had never accepted this promotion. It seems impossible to accomplish what is being asked.
---as best I can tell, I've really ticked off most of those in my office, by telling the truth to our boss. The truth about attitudes and hostilities and the way my promotion was on paper only.
---Favorite Co-worker is at it again. Received a txt msg from ph*rmacist that said to prepare myself "emotionally for news from *****". No shock there, pradar kicked in weeks ago. Also not shocked that, again, she talked about it IN FRONT of me, but wouldn't TELL ME. That's fine, whatever. Trying not to stoop to her level, trying to decide what my reaction should be if/when she does tell. I would LOVE to say "Yeah, I know. I heard you talking about it, and I figure these things out on my own; I also knew the last time you were pregnant!" But, knowing me, I'll probably just say congratulations. Well good, hopefully in 9 months we'll be able to tell her goodbye and never see her face again. I know that's ugly, and probably not the best attitude, but it's that whole pearls and swine thing. I'm tired of being nice to someone who only returns it with more bitch.
So what now? When I accepted this promotion, we were years away from adoption. Now, we could be down to a year or two. I really just want to tell them they can have their promotion back because I don't really feel equipped for the job, and we are adopting sooner than we thought. I really REALLY want to find another job, or just quit and stay home, and find some kids to baby-sit or something. There are lots of things we could cut out of our budget. I'm volunteering to go back to a regular phone, give up my favorite shows I never miss, I would even move back to our old house if it meant staying home with my babies! Our new house could be sold as soon as I said the word, to our neighbor's daughter. But hubby is a little less gung-ho.
Ugh. I give up. I'm going to sleep.

What a Colossal Waste of time, money, hotel room, food, gas, etc

I'm "training" this week. Today I've learned how to sit quietly in a chair and wait for a meeting. Yesterday I learned how to sit quietly in a chair and try to stay awake when you're insanely sleepy.
Okay, I did learn a little more, but not enough to warrant 3 days out of my office. ;) It could've been done in an afternoon.
Oh well... I got lots of sleep last night, it's a break from the usual grind, I haven't had to put up with any smart-mouthing. I'm at work but not really working, I'm getting a break but not having to use vaca/sick time.
I have lists of stuff I want to replace/buy for our house, I have a cleaning list for when I get back home, I'm in the mood to clean things out and get rid of junk. Tomorrow, I will return home, go back to the grind, and start working on all of my lists.

My, what a rowdy bunch!

I had 6 girls tonight... Or was it 60? It sounded like 60, but I have too much candy left for that number.
But do you want to know what I LOVE?
.
.
.
.
.
I love the reception I got when I walked in. They were eating, I walk in with 2 books plus my Bible, a box of candy, a bag of candy, phone, keys, etc, and am nearly knocked down by a swarm of kids of all ages all hugging me and hanging on me and asking me a billion questions, and mostly "can we have some candy?"
Rowdy bunch, those kids... But excited that Mrs NotTheMama is getting a child. And just as appalled as I am that international adoption is so darn expensive. And they think all the rules and regulations are bordering on ridiculous. And they want me to get a 10-year-old. It's funny and cute that they all request a child their age, no matter how young or old they are. Even if they know the age we requested.
I'm glad I decided to teach again this year. I have mostly "church girls," who basically know the Bible stories, with one who kinda knows some stuff, and another who is a clean slate with little to no knowledge. So I'm using 2 books. The first is a children's book of object lessons. It requires minimal preparation and not much extra "stuff"... Tonight I only needed crackers, but we used gum instead. The other book was written for adults. It explains about the different names of God used in the Bible.
I find that most people, adults and children alike, do not really know that when our KJV, NIV, etc Bibles say "God" this or "God" that, the original Hebrew/Greek meanings were so much more. We use God as an umbrella term, and miss the significance a lot of times. So it's a good book for the Clean Slates and the OMG Do We Have to Hear About Jonah And The Whale Again crowd.
It's gonna be a great year! :)

Why am I about to watch this show???

I know it's coming. I don't know WHO is going to announce they're having another kid, but they are saying it on the preview. Is it gonna be kid #20, or grandchild #2?
I normally love this show. I want to watch this one. But I know if it IS #20, UGH. And if I hear her cheery voice one more time sing-song "Someone's expecting!" All sweet-like, I very well may punch the tv.
Okay. I'm done with my tantrum now.

Looking Back... Looking Ahead

I didn't think I had been that nervous about our visit or my eye exam, but now that they're both over ---- I'm so relaxed! I guess that explains the weird dreams, the increase in migraines, the feeling of being "off"... It's not that I thought they would tell us our house wasn't clean/big/new/good enough, or that we weren't active/old/young/home enough to take on children. More a fear of the unkown, I suppose, even though I was calm and I know that God's got our backs, I'm not one that particularly loves uncharted territory! I hesitate to try new dishes at restaurants, for cryin' out loud!
One of the questions we had to answer was whether we have any negative feelings about being childless. Our simple answer was we have just accepted it as a temporary status - that we've known we wouldn't get pregnant for so long that it just is what it is, we roll with the punches and spoil other peoples' kids in the process. A simple, and totally honest answer.
It wasn't always so easy. From the time I found out, I set my mind and heart on adoption. There was still that mourning the loss of experience, and I cannot honestly admit that baby showers are still not my favorite thing, I sometimes don't want to see huge bellies, and sometimes I still want to just disappear when people start encouraging me to not give up hope of a miracle pregnancy. Dude, how do you know that's even something we care about anymore?
(My 4-year-old nephew has picked up my "dude" and several other phrases I use, and it's rather hilarious!)
It's a little surreal to think that infertility is so NORMAL to me. I find it strange and WEIRD that some people just have to go to bed to get pregnant, MAN, some people have to try equally hard to NOT have another child! Because we never really got to try like that, it's such a foreign concept --- AND I'M FINE WITH THAT! Yeah, at one time it bothered me that we never got to try, sure, it's sad sometimes. But it's okay. This is such a comfortable place to be. Which usually guarantees change is coming soon!
Gone are the days when I try to avoid the whole pregnant vs adopting conversation. I still don't go into detail about our lack of fertility, per hubby's wishes, but I've learned that people are a lot more open to adoption than you'd realize. So many people are praying, and encouraging us, and EXCITED that we seem to be moving so close to our children. And while just a few months ago, I would've not really volunteered an incredible amount of info to complete strangers, I spent a decent amount of time today, less picking out glasses and more talking to the lady who was helping me about adoption and the whole county process and private adoption. She is trying for a private adoption, and it's just so stinkin' nice when you run into someone who is in the same place and shares similar thoughts on the same topics! I imagine this is what it's like when two pregnant mommies sees each other in the mall??? It's just awesome!
This is a great place to be. I look forward to meeting our kids and getting to know each other and finding our rhythm as a family with children... But I fully intend to enjoy the here and now. This patient waiting, days of enjoying other peoples' babies and dreaming of and praying for our own. I found 3 pennies in a parking lot tonight, 3 little pennies all laying there together, and I couldn't help but smile, offer a prayer of thanks and wonder what the significance of "3" is. Pennies are not just worthless change to me. My nephews have been collecting them for my "baby (our last name) fund" jug, and when any of us see change in town, we kind of pounce on it. Yes, I turn into a 5-year-old over roller coasters and dentist visits and a penny in the parking lot, and I am not at all ashamed of any of that! So this may sound silly, but I really felt God smiling down on me - on this significant day, for me to find 3 little pennies! I occasionally find one, but 3 is a rare find! And so I also said a prayer for the 3 children those little pennies represent - whether they will one day be entrusted to me or to someone else. Nameless, faceless children, but God knows who they are, and they absolutely matter to Him. And me. :)
I realize that may sound a little "out there" to a lot of people (good grief, she's giving lost change personalities? Really?!?) However, it's my blog and my own little world and I reserve the right to interpret things in a manner that seems fitting to possibly nobody beyond myself.) Hahaha.
I could go on and on, but alas, this is a picture-less blog, and I'm sure not everyone is as amused as I. :) More later about this comfy place and why I inwardly roll my eyes when people tell me to keep hoping for that miracle pregnancy-after-adoption phenomenon.

It's like that first gyn trip...

... You hear rumors about how bad it is, and you have this worse-than-it-really-is image stuck in your head. Then you have it, and it's over, and you sit back and think, "Now that wasn't so bad!"
Our first visit is over! We're finishing up a home-cooked lunch for a change, before my eye appt. We need a ra*il for the f*ront steps, dogs vaccinate*d, and our h20 is about 15 degrees too hot. That's it!
We have to schedule the second visit, which will only take a few minutes, she has to do an individual interview for each of us, then we can sit back and wait - for "up to a few years," she said.
Cool. Very cool.

T Minus 9 or 10 hours

So we're hours away from our visit. My mom came over to drop off some food and an awesome mop, and helped us a LOT. I had my picture frames, lamps, and various home decor thrown on the guest bed (the future child's room - you know, the one that should probably appear semi-ready for said child, no matter how imaginary he or she is right now). I had given up and decided she would just have to see it done next time. My mom, Queen of Hide it When You Need To, had the room guest-ready before she left. I was feeling a little hopeless, starting to panic, and as always, Mama comes in and it's all better. Gonna get up in the morning to do some mopping and work on more laundry (there's ALWAYS more of that!). The garage still needs some serious work, but we're just gonna go with it.
15 minutes is all she'll spend on the house. Then it's interview time. So let's hope and pray this migraine goes away and I sleep great tonight and wake up refreshed and ready to answer a lot of questions! I'll update as time allows - I scheduled an eye appt for the afternoon so I could take a sick day instead of a vacation day.
She's supposed to be here at 9am Central time. We would appreciate all prayers, happy thoughts, etc.

We're Cleared!

So hubby checked the mail today, and our fingerprints checked out fine. Not that we were expecting any different, but it's another box checked, another hoop jumped through. We've been doing some housework in preparation for Tuesday's visit. I had a dream last night that we had a bunch of junk in the middle of the living room floor, boxes of random stuff, and hubby refused to move it before the visit! I'm sure I'll think of a billion things I should've done while we're being interviewed, but our house is clean (planning to keep the ceiling fan on - don't wanna dirty the floor to clean the fan beforehand) lol. Hubby is trying to organize the garage.
It's all coming together! If only we had pictures on our walls, lamps out of boxes, etc, we would be totally moved in our house! ;) Maybe by the second visit - I have to borrow my sister for the day for that one! We wanted to take a trip over the long weekend, but we're still paying 2 mortgages. Right now the plan is to spend one day at an amusement park with older sister and kids. Sunday is church, Monday we're getting together with friends from church. Sounds like a perfectly relaxing way to spend the weekend before a visit! I never thought we would be this ready - I thought we would be scrambling the night before!
I can't really say I'm surprised. I have a peace that passes understanding. God's got our backs. He knows who and where our children are. He has all the details worked out, He knows the exact moment every detail will pan out. It's up to me to serve Him while I'm waiting. :)

It's finally here!!!!

So we FINALLY got in touch with the lady when she had her calendar handy! Our first visit is next Tuesday. We were talking about going on a weekend trip since we're both off work Monday, but now we're staying home, and I'm really not that bummed! Our house is clean, but there's still a lot of straightening and unpacking and picture-hanging we need to get finished. We both need to get our physicals done, and finish some paper work, before she comes. My b-i-l needs to come over and install the cabinet child locks. We've gotta hunt down a fire extinguisher. I'm hoping to get a lot done this week, and not have so much over the weekend.
I'm also taking our niece and nephew to school this week.Hubby's dad began 39 radiation treatments this morning. It's so fun! I have to get up just a tad earlier, and they come over and watch cartoons while I finish getting ready. Both schools are on my way to work. I drop our niece off for 1st grade at our local elementary school, then take the nephew to his preschool at a church our cousins attend. They both cracked me up this morning. I admit I have raised a brow and looked at some parents like they were crazy, but I can already see that I will be that mom you see crying when she drops her kids off! WOW!!!! If the nephew cried, he would probably just have had to come to work with me!
So... We're sticking around home, and taking a vacation later.

It always helps to have friends in the know!

So it turns out, what sounded like a calculating, conspiracy-theory-ish scheme that I made up... Is absolutely true.
I had said early on, even before starting our class, that "they" would probably try to talk us into fostering. They did. We stuck to our guns. There is a huge need for fp's, but right now that's just not for us. One for me, zero for "them."
I then theorized that "they" would use psychological tactics to talk us into adopting children older than we first intended. It honestly sounded a bit like the crazed-infertile coming out, but turns out, I was right on that one, too.
What psychology did they use? Shaping. In college, I had to train a pigeon in one of my psych classes. It was quite the experience, as I'm not an animal person - we had to remove the bird from its cage, stuff it head-first into a cup, weigh it, then remove it from the cup and put it in a special box to observe its behavior. The first behavior we had to shape was pecking a disc on the side of the box. My poor bird was so freaked out, it sat stone-still in the box for days! Of course none of the birds went straight over and pecked the disc, and thus the shaping began. It was a gradual thing. "Closest approximation to the desired behavior," it was called. in my case, if the bird flippin' MOVED, we rewarded it with food. Then if it turned toward the wall containing the disc. Then if it walked closer to the disc. Then if it moved its beak closer to the disc. And finally if it pecked the disk. Allegedly reportedly, you could also pet a wild tiger much in the same way, going from just being on the edge of the tiger's environment, creeping closer and closer each day, until you were snuggled up to its furry stripes.
And that was my crazy-sounding theory. That they would "hook" us into the class by saying we didn't have to foster, then gradually tell us that was our best chance to get an infant, and gradually work fostering into our brains. I told hubby this theory, and I'm not really sure he believed it! ;)
So then the desired behavior would have been to adopt older children, as there is more of a need to place them. We had been told a million things by a million people, both in the county office, and friends and family. Some said we could absolutely get a toddler or even a baby, but probably not under 6 months old - it would take a little longer than if we fostered, but it was absolutely do-able. Others said we would be waiting years. Others said it would never happen. The last night of class, we were told that the instructor should have told us up front that it was difficult to impossible to get a child under age 3 without fostering, and she told us about some young brothers who will be available soon. Young, but both older than 3.
So my latest theory was that "they" would try to scare us into older than 3 by saying we could wait for YEARS. That babies/toddlers absolutely are available, but if they could talk you into an older child, they wouldn't even tell you about younger children.
So I messaged a friend who worked for a different county several years ago. She basically told me I was spot-on with all of my theories and such. And she proceeded to tell me about another program we were not even made aware of, where if an infant is dropped off at the hospital, they are put in care until couet proceedings take place 4 months later, and the only plan is for the fp's to adopt.
It's so good to have friends in the know. It's also good to have those same friends confirm that you are NOT some crazy infertile making up evil plots and schemes that agencies use.
The psychology junk doesn't work on me. Sorry! Our friend confirmed that it's not crazy thinking on my part, I was totally right, and that if we stick to our guns, we should be able to get a young child (or young sibling group), and it shouldn't take years. So there, "they!!!" I feel like I'm beating you at your own system!

Aaaaaaannnnnnd... We're done. Kind of. Almost.

So tonight was our last night of class. If we could get the worker to schedule our first home visit, we could prepare for the second visit, and sit back and wait. If. IF. What IF we could get it scheduled? Ugh. She ran out of time - we'll discuss it next week. She forgot her calendar - we'll set it up next week. She forgot her calendar AGAIN, we'll have to call her to set it up. GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!! I've gotten the vibe, based on comments from other workers including her supervisor, that she's not really the most responsible or dedicated or with it. She certainly has the personality of a stinkin' brick!!!
So we also finally got our fingerprints done, something else that everybody else had already done. (Are you catching on here?!?) The supervisor does that, so it did give us a few minutes to talk with her. Aaaaaannnnndddd.... She told us it's rare to be able to adopt a child or children under age 3, because they usually get adopted by their foster parents; in fact, we could be waiting for YEARS, unless we're open to sibling groups or special needs or different races. Which we are, depending on what kind of special needs. Our county does have 2 young brothers who will be available soon, she doesn't know exactly how old because they're not yet available, but she thinks they may not be in school yet. They are in foster care right now, and their fp's aren't interested in adopting them. She doesn't think there's anything "wrong" with them.
She also said we will be available to any county in the state, which is exciting! There are ummm, let's just say a lot of counties in our state, so woohoo.
Hubby is giving the worker a call tomorrow to try, once again, to set up our first visit. I'm hoping we can set up the second for a week or two after the first. I'm so ready to sit back and wait!

Isn't it Ironic?

Whoa, that song brings back some memories. Anyhoo.
I'm sitting in the lobby for my annual exam. Had an uneventful, if not sleepy, drive down, with surprisingly little traffic, hit all the red lights perfect, etc. But I digress.
The ironic thing? There's a pile of "baby talk," and family-type magazines on one table. All conversing happily, of course. On the table beside it, is one, single, lonely Conceive magazine.
And could the nurse please not sound so cheery when I hear her make a call to another patient that her "numbers are going down," and to come back in 2 weeks for bloodwork?
And with that, bring on lots of staring at the ceiling, biting of the lower lip, and just trying to make it back to the car. All for a stupid check-up, seriously?
In other, more positive news, my blood pressure is good :)

Calm, Patient, Waiting.

I am calm. I am patient. I am waiting.
Waiting for an interesting panel night tomorrow night.
Waiting for our first home visit to be scheduled.
Waiting to find out the next steps.
Waiting to have my Tuesday nights back! (Last class is next week)
Waiting to see if my mom is okay.
That last one just might be the straw that breaks this camel's back.
I am insanely calm. Well, there was that one, brief (seriously, maybe 5 minutes, if that) breakdown in the shower Saturday. But I am so chill.
Keeping comforting scripture close at hand and fresh on my mind. Reminding myself that God is still in control. Determined to enjoy the wait. Lots of deep breathing. Keeping focused only on what I can do **right now**, not the future.
As far as my mom... I want to believe that it is nothing, that she's gonna be fine. After all, at her church Friday night (revival), they sang the same song we sang at my church the Sunday after my dad was diagnosed with cancer. The doctor found it in his leg, but was sure it didn't start there, and not sure it could be stopped or cured. Between 4 and 5 years later, there has still been no sign of cancer anywhere in his body. Praise the Lord!
Today was a bit less calm and peaceful, but I'm working on it.
I'm not worried about my house being **perfect** for our first home visit. Clean, yes; organized, mostly; perfect- I'm so over that! I want to do a little more tidying up, but I'm not gonna stress myself out over it.
Calm. Patient. Waiting.

"Questionable" test results for my mom

My mom is one of those people who takes awesome care of everyone else, but not so much herself. My older sister made her an appointment b/c it's been years since she went to any doctor. All the doctor would tell her was some results were "questionable," or at least that's all she's telling US right now.
I'm trying to NOT think the worst, but my mind goes straight to the c-word that I'm not ready to say. And suddenly, I'm back to that scared, worried little girl - there are so many reasons I still need my Mama.

Reprieve!

So imagine my relief last night when The Lady (who will be doing both of our home visits) said she will talk to us next week about scheduling the first visit. She's out of the office for the rest of this week... Which I'm assuming (hoping?) means she won't be actually coming until the last week of class. Which would give me another weekend and some week days to get our house just the way I want it.
We did get some tips from people who have already had their first visit, so we'll be locking up chemicals, finding somewhere not in our house to store paint, and making sure to put those plug protector things to good use. We know we need a rail added to our front steps, but we're waiting until after the first visit to ask about our porch. It's probably around 3 feet high or so, and we want to know if we need a rail for the porch, too. No sense in paying someone to come out twice!
I'm thawing out. I wouldn't say I'm perfectly calm, cool, and collected about the whole thing, but I'm not freaking out about it either. I'm cutting myself some slack. After all, the first visit is to let you know what needs to be done before the second visit, and they don't expect perfect. So what if there are a couple of dirty towels in the bathroom, and a dirty dish or two in the sink? We do live here, after all! And I'm pretty sure she doesn't expect to talk in to freshly baked brownies and what have you. We're gonna make it through this, and we're gonna sit back and wait for our baby(-ies).
...And about that... I'm trying to refrain from guessing when it will happen. I'm not playing the "by this time" game. You know - by Christmas/Spring/Etc, we'll have a baby. Or counting on this Mother's Day to be happy flowers and sunshine. Realistic expectations are key!
Absolutely, without a doubt I'm excited. We're excited together, and looking forward to being parents. But let's keep it real, too. Was it dizzying when a friend said, "So in X weeks, you could have a baby?!?" Definitely. But really there's no time line. It *could* be weeks... Or months... Or years. I don't like that it could be a year or more, but it will happen when it's supposed to happen. Until then, let's enjoy the journey. :)

Working Through It

Can't really say I've thawed since my last post, but I'm definitely working through it. Tonight, I cleaned my bedroom. I admit it: I suck at keeping clothes hung up and out of the floor. I may change clothes 5 times before I find a combination that works, and most of those end up on the bed, then in the floor when I go to bed. Not sure why the huge aversion to hanging it back in the closet right away, but it's there. Hugely ashamed to admit there were sweaters - SWEATERS, PEOPLE!!! - in that pile. Did I mention it's in the triple digits here? But, it's done.
The master bedroom (save for hubby's dresser top) is ready for an inspection. I cleaned off the top of the washer, and once I wash, dry, and put away some blankets, the laundry room will be ready. The kitchen only needs everyday cleaning between now and inspection day. Same for the living room. Oh crap, gotta remember to draw up a fire escape plan for tomorrow night.
What's left? Well, the room intended to be for toys is still at least half full of random stuff/junk/crap. I'm thinking I'll be able to sort through it starting Wednesday or Thursday. A lot of it is hubby's work stuff, or papers he needs to go through to save or toss or shred. Thus tiny trails of shredded paper throughout the house. Choose your battles, right? The garage needs some serious attention - again, mostly crap hubby has to find a place for. I say garbage or yard sale most of it, he says ohhhh nooooo we might be able to use it one day!!!!
Just to shoot straight from the hip, here's how it *always* works out when we're cleaning, or getting rid of stuff, or getting ready for company. I get as much done as possible. D-O-N-E, done. Finished. I stay mostly focused on one area until it is DONE, then move to another area, and so on and so forth. Hubby, bless his heart, bounces allllllll over the house, doing random bits here and there. Put up some socks. Move 1 can off the bathroom counter into a drawer. Wash 2 cups and a spoon. Move the lawn mower out of the garage and into the shed. Hey, how 'bout a tv break? He just cannot stay on task.
Furthermore. I somehow manage to get enough done that I at least give the appearance that I have it all together. That may be because I shoved a wholelottacrap in the master bedroom and shut the door, but what really matters is done and presentable. (Haha, in this case, every room has to be presentable) I'll come through and get it done. But poor hubby. He does enough to scrape by, and doesn't really give a rat's... Well, he just really doesn't care... Let's just say, it doesn't bother him if people come in and see our house when it's messy. Which is often, granted, but dang it, I work full time, too, and do the best I can!
Sigh. I don't want to sound like I'm throwing him totally under the bus. He's a great guy, he doesn't really expect much more than occasional cooking and bare-minimum cleaning. He helps with laundry, takes care of most of the yardwork, and handles the bills.
We just have a LOT to get done in a LITTLE time. We're both world class procrastinators. I'm frozen, wanting to pitch a good fit because it's been a while, and this is stressing me out, and I want to just do something the easy way for once. He is currently sleeping on the couch, I'm guessing, instead of doing some reading and writing for class. Mr. NoFocus.
We WILL get there. She's not gonna eat us for lunch or refuse to come back or think we're the WORST house she's EVER seen or deny us a child because there's some dirty laundry in the basket and some boxes that we haven't unpacked. She and the other workers have told us it's not as bad as we think it will be, and not to freak out and worry about it, even though they know we will. So I'm going to sleep now. Calm, cool, collected. Because I can see my bedroom floor again, and my laundry room is good to go.

Frozen...

...Which is a little odd, what with the triple-digitedness going on here in the Deep South. Unless you've been at the office, where I wear a fleece jacket more often than not. Alas.
I was browsing some blogs on my lunch break, and realized I've kind of hit FreezeMode. Our first home visit is coming up in the next 2 weeks (not scheduled yet), and there are lots of things I SHOULD be doing. Every time I think about the daunting task of preparing those last 2 rooms and hanging pictures and decorating because all of that stuff is still boxed up from moving, I freeze. I can't decide where to start first, what room to focus on, I just freeze.
I'm ready for this. We've waited a long time for this whole process, but I want to first hit the "pause" button, then "fastforward" through visits 1 and 2 and possibly through the parts of the wait that I'm sad or frustrated or freaked the heck out.
But I know there will be good parts to the wait, just as I know the home visits really will NOT be that bad. So why am I a popsicle? Fear of the unkown? While we indeed have been looking forward to adoption, I've also become quite okay with being the infertile aunt. Or maybe not so much "okay," as "used to it." For our whole engagement, marriage, and even before that, I've known and drilled it into my head that parenthood would have to wait. And suddenly, we're here. Almost.
I like a good game of freeze tag. I mean, I lead games for groups large and small throughout the year, and even minored in play (or rec admin) in college. But for my future children's sake... Would somebody PLEASE unfreeze me now?

The C-word, Death, and Dying

I know, I know - happy little post! But it needs to be done.
First, my father-in-law is going to be having r#d!ation soon. He had surgery a couple of years ago for pr0st*te cancer, and now his #'s are going back up. He did mention that the first time, the doctor had given him those options, and told him if he chose the option he has to do now, there would be nothing that could be done later, if it came back. It's back... And I'm assuming after this, nothing more can be done? Hopefully, this will "work," he will be cured, and life will go on. But we've had a good bit of that sickness in our church, and usually coming back leads to the end of life, albeit weeks, months, or a year.
Hubby and I were talking last night, about how we don't really know how his mom would do - we think not well on her own. And I was thinking, have we made it to the point that we should start considering the deaths of our parents? My initial thought was that I'm too young for this. I more or less just let hubby talk, as he really needed to. He is concerned about the tiredness, and whether or not his parents will be able to do with our children what they have done with our niece and nephew - or if his father will be here at all.
Then, a brilliant teacher from high school, the epitome of perfect health - healthy eater, in perfect physical shape, Very active lifestyle - had to retire quickly, because the doctors found the c-word in her lungs and noggin'. (Please excuse the g00gle extinguishing) Doctor said he could give her another year, but couldn't guarantee anything after that. Over a matter of weeks, she went from perfect health to death sentence. How does this happen?
So, yesterday, instead of cleaning like a mad woman while hubby was at work, I slept in. When I got up, I kind of wanted some breakfast, so I drove to get what I wanted. Instead of staying home and slaving away to get ready for an upcoming home visit for adoption, we went out and spent the evening together. Yes, we do need to get the stuff done, but sometimes it's more important to just be.
I challenge you to go enjoy your day. Leave those dishes in favor of playing with your children. Get off-line and call your parents if they are still alive. Have an extra piece of cake. Go enjoy life while you have it.

Why do i feel like i'm repeating myself?

Could it be because I am? I am fine with not having biological children. I'm so over that. But, as usual, that's the advice I got tonight. You know what, using donor gametes IS possibly an option. We've looked into that. And decided it's not for us. Yes, I understand it has worked out quite well for a lot of other people. More power to anyone who decides that is the best option for them. I'm glad that for those to whom experiencing pregnancy and birth was important, that option was available.
Adoption is the option that suits us best right now. Adoption isn't for everyone, but I felt called to adopt even before I knew what it meant, before I realized that not every child had a stable 2-parent family. We could change our minds, later on, and decide that we DO want to try other things. But we're not there right now.
I wish that people would just support the decisions we're making, and not try to "fix" everything. We do have people in our lives who do support our decisions, who understand that we need to do what is right for us. Thank God for that! When it comes to those "fixers," I usually just smile and nod... But wouldn't it be so liberating to politely, kindly, tell them we've considered our options, and adoption is the best choice we can make right now?
I'm glad people care and want to help. For future reference, the best way to help someone is to ask what help they need.

As it turns out...

...It is ***TOTALLY*** possible that we absolutely can adopt a baby or young child through d*h*r, WITHOUT fostering at all!!!
Whew. This was such a relief. And I hesitate to say it like that, because of the potential backlash from pro-foster people, but IN OUR SITUATION, not fostering is for the best. Yes, there is a HUGE need for foster parents, and especially "good" ones (whatever that means!). And maybe one day, that would work for us.
Right now, though, our desires and goals are to be the permanent parents for a child or children. If we already had one or more in our home, it might not be so difficult to let go. Maybe.
We have a friend who has IF issues, and she and her hubby are about to go through this same class in a different county, to adopt their 2nd child. The first was a private, somewhat open adoption. Her mother-in-law works for d*h*r in our county, and she sits in on some of our classes. We had a chance to talk to her after class Tuesday night, and she reassured us that adoption without fostering is totally doable. She said we most likely won't get a baby younger than 6 months, and we may have to wait a little longer than if we chose to foster, but the security will be so worth the wait.
I needed some good news for once!!! And I may have said this once or a thousand times before...But it's really strange to think that this time next year, that could be ME feeding the baby in the mall! I'm trying to decide whether or not I should teach the class on Wednesday nights at church that I taught last year. On one hand, I don't want to sit around all school year, disappointed that I'm not teaching AND we still haven't gotten a placement; on the other hand, if we DO get a placement before May, I plan on stopping a lot of the "extra stuff" I've been doing these past few years. I've waited a long time to be a Mommy, and I'm gonna step back, and spend as much time as possible with my baby (babies?).
Wow. We have a lot of work to get done, and a lotta stuff to buy!

People just don't get it!

Ugh, ugh, ugh!!!! People just don't understand. All weekend, I had people asking me various random questions and making comments about adoption and pregnancy. Here are the top few that got under my skin:
***From *several* people, over several days, in several different venues, I got the "So do you HAVE to adopt, or do you WANT to?" Well. No, we don't HAVE to adopt. I HAVE to go to work, I HAVE to clean house, I HAVE to go to the doctor. I'm sure they mean well, or maybe they're just trying to politely ask if we're infertile without really going there... But dude, c'mon, you make adoption sound like a CHORE. Yes, we very much WANT to adopt. And no, we don't HAVE to, we could also remain child-free. (A phrase I really don't like, but anyhoo)
***"Maybe when you get one, you'll end up getting pregnant!!!! I know that happened for so-and-so!!!" Thanks, but we're not really trying! And unless so-and-so had the same diagnosis as us, that's the equivalent of, "oh, you have cancer? Well I know that so-and-so had strep throat, and they didn't even need chemo and they're perfectly healthy now!!!"
***Have you tried (fill in the blank with anything from, no lie, "put his stuff and your stuff in a dish," to surrogacy, to just about anything else) yet??? You know, just in case I haven't g**gled the hell out of it. And this was asked by a woman who dated someone who couldn't have children, and the two of them "looked into their options," so why was she referring to our "stuff," instead of using proper medical terms. We didn't exactly receive a diagnosis yesterday, and this particular person has known that for a couple of years.if you don't even know the proper terms for the procedures you think we may need, you probably shouldn't be doling out advice.
***Finally... "Well, we're just gonna pray that you do get pregnant and it happened for me!!!" Don't get me wrong, I truly DO appreciate the prayers... But a better thing to do would be to ask "how can I pray for you?" Now this could be debated a hundred different ways - some would say I should be praying until God gives me a biological child, others would say I should accept what God has planned and focus on adoption. I am choosing to pray for whatever God sees best - if He chooses to bless me with a biological child, awesome; if He chooses to bless me only through adoption, awesome; I can also now say if He chooses to bless me only through my niece and nephews, awesome.
I must admit there WAS *one* 1 ONE person who didn't ask me anything stupid, or do the "belly scan" to see if I "looked" pregnant. She went to high school with me. She's been married for several years and has no children. I saw her Saturday, and just got that "feeling" that I sometimes get. The two of us danced around the issue, talked about adoption and other options, but neither of us ever went right out and said "I bet you're infertile too!!!" We both understood each other. We both knew that we didn't want any lame-but-well-intentioned advice, and no words needed to pass for us both to get each other.
Sigh. At least I am learning to deal with ridiculous statements and questions with grace and dignity. I know the questions and comments will only change when children do come into my life. May I also remember this when I am talking with other people going through difficult times.

People just don't get it!

Ugh, ugh, ugh!!!! People just don't understand. All weekend, I had people asking me various random questions and making comments about adoption and pregnancy. Here are the top few that got under my skin:
***From *several* people, over several days, in several different venues, I got the "So do you HAVE to adopt, or do you WANT to?" Well. No, we don't HAVE to adopt. I HAVE to go to work, I HAVE to clean house, I HAVE to go to the doctor. I'm sure they mean well, or maybe they're just trying to politely ask if we're infertile without really going there... But dude, c'mon, you make adoption sound like a CHORE. Yes, we very much WANT to adopt. And no, we don't HAVE to, we could also remain child-free. (A phrase I really don't like, but anyhoo)
***"Maybe when you get one, you'll end up getting pregnant!!!! I know that happened for so-and-so!!!" Thanks, but we're not really trying! And unless so-and-so had the same diagnosis as us, that's the equivalent of, "oh, you have cancer? Well I know that so-and-so had strep throat, and they didn't even need chemo and they're perfectly healthy now!!!"
***Have you tried (fill in the blank with anything from, no lie, "put his stuff and your stuff in a dish," to surrogacy, to just about anything else) yet??? You know, just in case I haven't g**gled the hell out of it. And this was asked by a woman who dated someone who couldn't have children, and the two of them "looked into their options," so why was she referring to our "stuff," instead of using proper medical terms. We didn't exactly receive a diagnosis yesterday, and this particular person has known that for a couple of years.if you don't even know the proper terms for the procedures you think we may need, you probably shouldn't be doling out advice.
***Finally... "Well, we're just gonna pray that you do get pregnant and it happened for me!!!" Don't get me wrong, I truly DO appreciate the prayers... But a better thing to do would be to ask "how can I pray for you?" Now this could be debated a hundred different ways - some would say I should be praying until God gives me a biological child, others would say I should accept what God has planned and focus on adoption. I am choosing to pray for whatever God sees best - if He chooses to bless me with a biological child, awesome; if He chooses to bless me only through adoption, awesome; I can also now say if He chooses to bless me only through my niece and nephews, awesome.
I must admit there WAS *one* 1 ONE person who didn't ask me anything stupid, or do the "belly scan" to see if I "looked" pregnant. She went to high school with me. She's been married for several years and has no children. I saw her Saturday, and just got that "feeling" that I sometimes get. The two of us danced around the issue, talked about adoption and other options, but neither of us ever went right out and said "I bet you're infertile too!!!" We both understood each other. We both knew that we didn't want any lame-but-well-intentioned advice, and no words needed to pass for us both to get each other.
Sigh. At least I am learning to deal with ridiculous statements and questions with grace and dignity. I know the questions and comments will only change when children do come into my life. May I also remember this when I am talking with other people going through difficult times.

10 Years later: we're not the only infertile ones!

So my 10-year class reunion was tonight. I debated with myself whether or not to go, because I haven't really kept in touch with anyone, beyond being friends on fb. Of course, I developed a major migraine, which is still hanging around.
So many in our class have kids, but there are still a few of us that don't, some by choice, and others not so much.
We have chosen to be not so vocal about our infertility. Our close friends and immediate family know. Some people in our church and community have figured it out - I mean, it's not that hard, for someone who loves kids as much as we do, and at our ages, to be married as long as we have... A guy I graduated with and his wife are a lot more vocal, talking about their infertility at the table. To be honest, I was relieved we weren't the only ones.
I knew the questions and comments would come at our reunion, and prepared myself. That's what it takes to maintain sanity - preparation. I prepare myself for family reunions, holidays, baby showers... I totally forgot to prepare myself for this morning! My mom and sister wanted me to come to their church for a ladies conference. I totally didn't prepare myself for songs and teaching about going through hard times, and God being in control, and God remembering us. Throw in some comments at lunch about how an elderly lafy is praying for me and wanting to see me with babies, and another lady admitting she had thought we were infertile, then praying for me, and you've got one weepy, stressed out, migraine-laden girl!
We're now at the mall, waiting for a movie to start. (Yes, I AM a glutton for punishment, that migraine is STILL hanging around, and it's not exactly a quiet movie. But I don't let these silly ol' headaches stop me from doing whatever is in the plans.) We did a little shopping before, a little retail therapy. I haven't reached this point in a looooooong time, but it's not surprising when the events of the day are taken into consideration: I had to stop shopping and head to the dressing room. Yes, friends, I was close to losing it in public. I was near panic mode. One of those rare times when I thought about the fact that they make (legal, Rx) drugs just for those times. And I know how inexpensive some of those are. And it would probably make this so much easier, or at least take the edge off.
Those moments are few and far between, and so far, I haven't asked the dr for anything. I hesitate because I don't want to get to the point that I go, "oh, I'm late for work, let's pop a x*n*x or an *tiv*n!"
Need to make that annual appt with the gyn... My sister says I need something stronger for my migraines. Would I sound like a drug*ie of I mentioned that I also occasionally have near-meltdowns?

The way I would like for it to happen...

...At least in my own little world, where things work out the way I want them to...
We get to the end of this class. Even before we finish, they get a young child that is immediately available for adoption. Their first thought is, "this is the baby for NotTheMama and her hubby!" And we all live happily ever after.
I've always been a "beat the system" kind of girl. I'm gonna prove that I CAN do the things "they" say can't be done. There have been a lot of "they's" over the years, up to and including God. (Guess what? Turns out you can't really prove God wrong!) After a while, I learned that there are times when it's best to step back and say "ya know what? You're right. This would not be smart to try." That scrappy little fighter remains, though.
We're continuing on through the class. At the least, we'll be more prepared for whatever way a child enters our life... Or not... Because this class has helped me see that in fact, I am *not* willing to do ANYTHING to "get" a baby.

I KNEW it would happen: "You know you *have* to foster before you can adopt a child that young!"

I KNEW it would lead to this. I didn't know how long it would take, I didn't know who would be the first to say it, but it happened tonight, week three, said by someone in the class who has "friends" who work for d*h*r. "You know if you want babies, you pretty much *have* to foste* to adopt."
I KNEW they would get you involved in the class, telling you up front that fostering was NOT required, let you do all this bookwork and answering questions and writing a paper and commit to 30 hours for 10 weeks, because who's gonna say "No thanks," after all of that? ... And then come back and try to talk you into fos*tering, because that's what they really need. I majored in psychology at a university that drills be*havior ana*lysis into your head the whole time, so I know how this works. I may have forgotten the technical term over the years, perhaps it's close approximations of the desired behavior? The desired behavior is becoming an fp. Perhaps the closest approximation in the beginning is that you contact the agency to inquire about adoption. They reward you by letting you in this class. They ask you carefully crafted questions about adoption/fostering, with focus on fostering. They reward you with a week closer to your imagined child. You answer questions about this imaginary child, and what would make you change your mind about fostering. They reward you by feeding your desire for said imaginary child. "Suddenly," by the end of week 10, they have roped you closer and closer to desiring to become an fp. By this point, you've put in 30 hours of class time, you've spent several more hours answering questions, writing a paper, and preparing your home for a visit by a worker. Surely, if you have invested this much work, time, effort, and even some money, into this, you'll change your mind and decide to foster if that's what it takes to get your desired imagined child.
Except for a few things...
1) I got a degree in this. I know how it works.
2) I have yet to feel peace about this whole thing, and I'm still hypervigilent and on edge about the whole reunification thing.
3) I still don't want to end up in a mental hospital because you promised me a child, let me have it for a few months/years, then took it away. Because, as you say, I need to "know my family," and I know myself enough to know I WILL get attached to any child who lives with me.
4) While it is true I am a very agreeable and flexible person, sometimes to a fault, this is one time when I will NOT back down. We did not go into this to foster. We do not want to be "substitute" parents. While it is true that we have chosen not to pursue fertility treatments in part because there are plenty of children who already exist who need parents, it is equally true that we are not JUST doing this "for the kids."
This is not our only option. This is not a "last resort." This is not the sole way we feel we HAVE to aquire children. We have spent the past years/months/weeks/days discussing and considering adoption options. Some of our thoughts and feelings change, and some remain the same. As recently as tonight, decisions continue to be made. On the way home, I was thinking about the comments made by our fellow classmate, and reached a new conclusion on the foster/not foster subject. If it comes down to always being "just the aunt," or fostering to adopt, I dare say I would be content to remain the f*un aunt and love on everyone else's children. My sanity matters that much.

Progress - Our hypothetical child has a mostly functional bedroom!

We have spent the day cleaning out one of our bedrooms. The state is gonna want to see evidence that there is a physical space for this supposed child. When we moved into our new house, I had planned on moving a little at a time, and having a place for everything.
Then we decided to speed up so we could sell the old place, and my sister got a bee in her bonnet. We moved everything in a weekend, and contained all the stuff to the 2 spare bedrooms.
That's where it's been for 6 months. We have thrown out papers and junk, made a yard sale pile, and found a home for the stuff we want to keep. We determined there is room in that room, the guest room, for a crib, without taking down the bed.
Now we need to tackle the big mess in the othert spare room... That's where most of the junk is. That room is gonna be a playroom for now, but right now, there's no floor space. This one may take a while.
I have more to share, but I do believe my rather anonymous blog has been found by a co-worker.(Yes, I know you're reading, S!) Perhaps another time. :)

On Homework and procrastination

Wow. My thumb hurts! Some things never change - in high school, I started a new project or assignment with gusto, promising myself this one would be spaced out and completed early, and I'd get plenty of sleep the night before. Which usually meant I did great on the first day, but truly did my best work in the 11th hour. Or later.
Yikes. Add 10 plus years to that, and you'll have an already exhausted adult, who goes to bed after midnight with a sore thumb, and almost-completed work. Between a lunch break and an hour between work and class, this week's assignments will be DONE. Hubby is a bigger procrastinator than I, and is still working. Rumor has it there's a lot of homework at the beginning, and less at the end.
Let's hope... It's interesting work, and things we want/need to discuss... And while I'm glad this homework comes sans teenage angst, I was hoping we'd have school-aged children before we had homework as adults!
Here's to getting finished and staying awake for week 2 ;)

Just sounding off about the in-laws

Ugh. If. I KNOW they don't like a restaurant, I don't PICK that place when we're going to be eating a meal with them... I would like the same consideration, dang it!!! But no, it's our Sunday to eat with them, and we're going to a disgusting, greasy fish place. I don't eat fish at all, and they know this. They also fry their chicken in the same oil, so I don't eat that either. Looks like it's a yummy lunch of cheese sticks that I will have to share with my niece and nephew.
My mother-in-law was kind enough to buy me a picture at a yard sale. "I know you don't like flowers, but I thought this picture of flowers would look good in your bedroom!" Uh, thanks. That's the most (in)considerate gift!
I was told last week that I'm the most agreeable person a co-worker has ever met. I'm beginning to hate being so agreeable, because it seems like nobody ever wants to return the agreeableness, and you just end up with half a cheese stick for lunch. And hubby wonders why I don't exactly jump at the chance to hang with his fam!

Looking forward

I'm sitting here @ home, by myself, watching some tv while waiting on the washing machine to stop. I went to a state park this afternoon, to play with some nephews.
One might think I would be more than happy to sit here in silence after a crazy day @ work followed by lots of playing and singing and inadvertently teaching an 18-month-old to say "good golly"... And refraining from teaching his big brothers (ages 6 and 4) Y*our Ma*ma jokes. Because so far, I've only taught them to talk about yer mama.
In truth, I'm not sad or upset that it's quiet and I'm about to go get some uninterrupted sleep. It's more a quiet hope, an expectation that life is so close to changing. Will I look back and miss these quiet nights? It's possible... But I am so accustomed to creating kiddie chaos wherever I go, that I don't think I'll really miss it. We're gonna play hard, and run in the house, and play in the mud, and sometimes eat too much junk and not enough "good" stuff for a meal.
While I may bask in the quietness for now, I definitely look forward to a screaming baby and rowdy toddlers. Does this make me sound insane?

First class over... So much homework!

Okay, it's been several years since I had homework! Our first class was lasnt night. Go figure, we knew people in the class - one lady and I went to the same high school for a year, hubby has met at least a couple through his job. Most of those in the class are looking to foster or foster-adopt.
There was one other couple besides us who was only interested in adoption... They look young, too, and I think she and I were the most nervous people in the room! They jetted out the door as soon as we were done, but hopefully we can get to know them better throughout the class.
We have lots of homework - like pages and pages of "together" work, and many more pages of "separate" work. There will be no stone left unturned, no skeleton left in the closet... Not that we really have skeletons in the closet, but if we did, they would be found and dragged out and thoroughly examined.
And speaking of the closet... And spare bedrooms, and garage. We've got a couple of weeks to get them all cleaned out and organized and ready for a child to occupy. There's an entire manual that I have yet to read, that will let us know what we need to do, such as fire extinguishers and safety stuff, to get our house approved.
One of our worksheets is specifically for "loss of fertility," as it reads. It asks a lot of questions, basically to see if we have grieved the loss of biological children and if we have done our research. The past several years have been more about the big IF than adoption, but that trend is changing. I've felt a disconnect for quite sometime, between myself and IF, and last night's class was a huge, therapeutic step away from poor, but fun, infertile Aunt NotTheMama, and toward the fun Mommy. I finally feel like we're making tangible, deliberate movrs towards becoming parents.

We could be parents within the year

Apprehensive is probably the most accurate description of how I feel! I said from the beginning that I would *not* go through our state to adopt. I was dead set on international adoption, and yes, I've done my homework on both. Hubby has signed us up for this 9-week class, telling me we're just gonna "give it a try."
I'm gonna be straight up with the two of you who may read this - fostering, foster-adopting, d*h*r in general scares the hell out of me! I know personally several families who have done or attempted some combination of all of the above, and I can count more cases that have NOT ended well than those that have. Children promised to a couple that had them for years, then were quite literally ripped from those parents' arms and sent to another state to live with stranger-relatives. FP's that made their FC's live in a totally separate part of the house, and when we visited, we were not allowed to go to the "adult" side of the house to eat with our parents. Young friends hoping to adopt an adorable set of twins who were again promised these children, and "suddenly" an aunt decided that since mom was out of the picture, she would take them. Friends of hubby who, even after the adoption of their children is finalized, take alternate routes, watch their backs in public, and within the last couple of months, the biological grandmother saw them at a school function, made threats to take them, and nearly pushed down the wife!
I have been reassured by multiple people that we do NOT have to foster, we can straight up adopt. Don't get me wrong, FP's are greatly needed, and "good" FP's I'm sure are hard to find... It's just not for me. I get too attached, I wouldn't fare so well if I had to send a baby back to who-knows-what. Maybe if we hadn't been through so much already... But I've already given up the *dream* of (biological) children, and I I know how hard that has been. I'm not sure how many losses of actual children my heart and mind could take before I was admitting myself to one of the facilities I package medication for. :) I'm only half joking - I honestly think I would lose my mind.
But suppose I actually DON'T get crapped on in this deal, and we actually DO bring home a living, breathing child, and nobody comes out of the woodwork to take him/her back, and I'm NOT constantly looking over my shoulder for abductors... Holy crap, batman, it's theoretically totally possible that we could be parents by the end of the year!? Well, not really sure what the "wait" is, and how many hoops there are to jump through *after* this class. But wow. Not to sound like Debbie Downer, but while a part of me wants to start buying diapers and wipes and baby paraphenalia, the other part of me thinks about all of the things that could go wrong between now and then. Will there be a time when I just enjoy the moment instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop?