Saturday, September 22, 2007

Tonight we went to eat with some church people. It was supposed to be an evening for all the younger married couples, sans children. Some didn't have baby-sitters, some had to work, so it ended up being my hubby and me, his sister and b-i-l, a couple we are friends with, and one of our cousins, whose hubby had to work. It was a good evening, fun to go out with other couples, and my steak was delicious!! S-I-L found out one of her friends had a baby today, at only 30 weeks. The baby is doing okay, almost 3 and a half pounds, and the doctor said fairly well developed for such a young baby. Mommy is feeling fine. Please pray for them! I've been feeling rather yucky since Thursday, just regular the-weather-changed-and-my-sinuses-always-do-this-type stuff. Hearing about the baby kind of put a bit of a damper on things, then talking about grandmothers and older people making things for babies right before they died.... Yeah, it made for some moments of melancholy! It's always a little tough for me to be around pregnant women (not that I let them know that, I hide it well!! I don't want for things to be awkward) and I love love LOVE my s-i-l and am very happy for her, but there are times when that big belly is just a little much! Not only for myself, but as I rubbed her belly and talked to my nephew, it brought back memories of bending down to kiss my other tiny nephew and tell him I would see him in heaven, through his mommy's tummy, the night before she went for her "procedure," as it was called. What happened to that little guy? We'll never know... Anyway, I digress... I was already a little sad, then walking to our truck, I thought about how all the other people with us were going to pick up their kids, and hubby and I would come home to an empty house, with empty arms, and an empty tummy.
Then we went to check on my grandfather on our way home, and my little 3-year-old cousin was there. He really brightened up my night!! :) We watched part of the Alabama game, until he asked for the second or third time if I would come watch Peter Pan with him. Hubby was already in there with him, and little cuz came to sit beside me on the couch, then scooted his way between hubby and I because he thought he should be in the middle. Then he looked over at me and said "You need to have a little boy!" Surprisingly, it did not make me the least bit sad, I just smiled and asked him what about a little girl. "Nah, just a boy." "What about a little boy AND a little girl?" "Well, that would be okay..." "How about just a little girl?" "NOOOO!!!!!" It was so cute!
Now we're home and hubby is preparing some songs for church. He is directing the choir while our choir director is on vacation. I'm so proud of my wonderful hubby!! I don't talk about his health issues very much, but he has done so much more than the doctors would say he should. Low IQ? Hardly, instead he helped my older sister in high school with a class or two. Not a people person? Yeah right! He is a funny guy, and had our waitress laughing several times. Not at all shy, very outgoing. Don't even bother with college, just go to trade school? Not only did he go to college, he graduated and is a successful banker of all things. He tried trade school, but said it just wasn't for him. He does have trouble using words correctly sometimes (like calling a shetland pony a clydesdale!), and he does make the most weird associations about things, and of course there's the whole infertility thing.... But tonight I'm focusing more on what he HAS accomplished. God blessed him with parents who expected the best of their children, who expected their children to be successful. God has allowed him to accomplish so much more than doctors expect, to be so much more than most KS men. Sure, there are some sad days, but we are too blessed to be depressed!!! God has blessed us in so many ways, and I wouldn't change anything at all about my hubby. Not really sure what the future holds as far as children are concerned, but I do know that I serve a loving and faithful God, who has great plans for us.
Going to bed tonight with the peace that God is in control, and our arms will not always be empty.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Different stuff

So far, all of my blogs have been about infertility. It is, at times, an important part of my life, but honestly there are also lots of times when it doesn't really matter. I know that 10-20-30 and more years from now, it's not really going to play such a huge part that I never had biological children.. Or perhaps, that I did.... I know we will adopt, no matter what. I don't know if anybody even reads this stuff, but just in case, here's a little view of things that really do consume a lot of my time on a regular basis.....
*****Family.... Just the two of us in our home, but I have 2 sisters, hubby has one sister, and all three are married with a combination of 4 (soon to be 5) children, and one nephew who never made it into this worrld alive. Family has always been important to me and hubby both, so it's no surprise that we spend a lot of times with our families. We are the Fun Aunt and Fun Uncle. We get in the floor and play, we take them to the movies or meet them at the fair, we play games, we scuffle, we draw, we have trouble with birthday-Christmas-etc gift limits.... Basically we spoil all the little creatures! When my sister had her miscarriage, I spend the night with them several nights that first week. I neglected my house and just let it go, because with no children, you can do that, and my sister needed me. She will have some surgery in a week, and I'll do the same things again. When hubby's sister has her little boy next month, I will go play with my niece, rock my nephew, clean up, help however I can. All of us call each other on a ragular basis (almost daily), and we generally get together several times throughout the month. Sunday afternoons after church we alternate spending the afternoon with my family and his family.
********Church. We go Sunday morning and night and Wednesday night. Both of us were raised in church, and were not given the "option" of staying at home, and so for the most part, we have continued on. We both sing in the choir. We both teach classes. We tithe. We participate in other activities as well, like this Saturday night when the young couples are all going out to eat WITHOUT children. (This is huge!!! We are one of like 2 couples in our church who don't have children!!! Not that we mind having them around; actually, we enjoy the entertainment factor, and are really just big, older kids ourselves when it comes to having gun, but an evening of adult conversations with no "Mommy, I need to tee-tee," or "Don't hit your brother," or "Stop playing and eat"... WOW!!!!!!!!!!!)
********Free time!!! When we are not hanging out with the fam and playing with the kids, we go to the movies, play putt-putt, eat out.... When we were dating, we got on a kick of touring caverns, but we haven't done that in a while. Saturdays are usually our days to just do whatever. Find some yard sales... Do some housework (haha, not very often!!)... Sleep late... Just hang out together... Week nights are usually filled with cooking, cleaning, and some fun thrown in for good measure. I get on the internet, hubby watches a movie. Have we really only been married 4 and a half months?!?!
*******Work.... Hubby is a bank assistant manager. I am a pharmacy tech. He's not really that fond of his job... Mine's great! Or will be.... We are in sort of a transition phase right now, and I'm not really sure how many hours I will be working for the next year, while they are trying to get more business. Trying to hang in there for the one year, because after that, I will have the sweetest job ever.
*********Kids.... While I was working in a fast food restaurant through college and until we got married, I met a wonderful family. They had a set of twins that had been coming regularly to our family nights, then just sort of stopped. We later found out that one of the twins had fallen and hit her head, like kids are prone to do, and through that, they found out she had a brain tumor. There's a lot more to the story of how I came to care so much for this family, but I keep a regular check on her website to see how she is doing. Then an aquaintance's 11-year-old daughter was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. I've been spending a decent amount of time in the last few weeks checking up on several local kids with cancer. I don't really know why , but I've always been interested (I hate to use that word though) in how other families make it through things like illness and loss. (My mom says I should've been a doctor or nurse, but the old chemistry and related subjects didn't really like me too much)
********Adoption.... It will probably be 2 or 3 years before we are really getting into the process (hubby says 1, but I don't think we'll be ready by then!), but I am the type of person who HAS to be prepared, HAS to have all the information available, and yesterday, please!!! I have volunteered with an organization that brings over orphans from Ukraine, and am now trying to learn more about Korean adoption. I have looked into several countries. I have also recently taken an interest in finding blogs of older adoptees. I love orphans, and they hold a special place in my heart.
Yeah..... Sorry for the incredibly long post!! I didn't really intend for it to be that long when I sat down, but generally once I start to write, it's hard to stop!!! I have toyed with the idea of writing a book (fiction or non), but have no idea where I would even start! A lofty goal, I know, but right now I have some time on my hands at work, and playing games on the computer gets old pretty quick... I try to find productive work-related things to do, but there's only so much busy work a person can find!! So anyway, there's some non-infertility-related stuff about me.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

She came.....

AF decided to show up between the yard sale-ing and the 4-year-old birthday party. You know, the one with 5 million pregnant Mamas running waddling around. Saturday night, we had to stop at W*lM*rt to buy gifts for the baby shower that was today (Sunday).... So first I went over and picked up some pads for myself, made my hubby pick out the card (because I didn't think I could read all those baby cards), then trudged over to the baby stuff and bit my lip, sucked it up, and bought lots of baby paraphenalia. Hubby thought I was just tired because we got up way early. Managed to make it out of the store without crying. Managed to make it through the birthday party with no tears. Fought away the tears during the baby shower. My mom made me cry tonight when I was at my older sister's house (the one who had the miscarriage a few months ago), talking about the miscarried baby, but somehow we also found ourselves laughing at it too. The connection is there for the 3 of us: my mom had 2 or 3 miscarriages between my older sister and me; my sister has had one; and I will likely never make it to that point. I hope our younger sister never has to be connected to us in that way.
***************CONFESSION TIME ***********************
I DO want to have a baby. Okay, there, I said it. For so long I've said I was okay with not experienceing child birth, that it was not something I HAD to do, that adoption would be my thing and that's what I really wanted anyway. But oh, how I do want it! I want to be the one with the big belly that everyone is making comments over. I want to go through the process of giving birth. I want to pick my baby up out of that hospital bassinet. I can picture myself hovering over his/her crib, telling other people how I want MY baby cared for. I want to know what a combination of hubby and me would look like. Someone once asked how you could miss someone who never existed. When your arms are empty, it's really easy....

Friday, September 14, 2007

So when's it coming?

While I still like to consider that I might be pregnant, I am also not trying to get my hopes up TOO high.... So I find myself saying "When ya gonna come, AF? Huh? Will it be during the high school football team tonight? While I'm trying to find some scrubs at a yard sale Saturday morning? At the 4-year-old niece's birthday party that afternoon? How about the aunt's party that night? Or will you be especially nasty and come just in time for the sister-in-law's baby shower Sunday afternoon? How 'bout this, you heifer? How 'bout you just don't show up at all!!!!!!!!!"
Sigh.... So I'm reduced to having conversations with AF now.... And I said I wouldn't become that crazy-obsessed lady....

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Pregnant or just wishful thinking?

Though I didn't blog about it, I thought the same last month, and it was just wishful thinking.... But this month.....
I've felt pretty rotten for about the last 2 weeks. I felt like I could puke a lot (in the morning, not so much during the day, but it was still happening, and at night).... Always tired.... My lower back hurts more than usual.... I was trying to not get my hopes up, then my older sister asked me when my last AF was, because I had mentioned some of this to her. Then I mentioned at work that I didn't think I could handle pizza for lunch, then my aunt told my mom about it.... So yeah.... Hopes are up... BUT.... Yesterday I woke up with a migraine, which usually comes a day or 2 before AF... "Just in case," though, I didn't take anything... Until I got home and couldn't take it anymore, so I took 1 Exc1dr1n M*gra1ne.... Of course just 1 didn't really help that much, when they get that bad it usually takes 2 p1lls, a long nap, and 2 more before bed. So, was it a regular before-AF-migraine, or a pregnancy migraine? AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm always early, or at least while I was keeping up with it I was.... So if by the weekend (okay, that's what my sister said, I'm gonna be a chicken and wait until next week) AF has not shown her ugly head, I will probably be making a trip to W@lM*rt for a cheap little test. Probably just wisfhul thinking again, but why do I feel so rotten? Guess I'll be making a trip to the good ol' doctor if AF does come and I'm still feeling this way.
So, this is what it's gonna be like every month?
Busy weekend! Football game, niece's b-day party, aunt's b-day party, plans with the 'rents one AM, I'm sure I'm forgetting something!!!