Wednesday, April 18, 2007

If I was an alcoholic....

... I would be sitting here with my bottle and crying into the keyboard by now! How many more people who I used to think were just little kids are gonna announce that they are married and either expecting a baby or already have 5 kids?!?!?! Honestly, myspace is a quick, easy way to get in touch and stay in touch with old friends, and I'm glad I signed up. I've gotten back in touch with an older friend who is interested in adopting My Little Ukrainian Friend (who has yet to be introduced in my blog! I'll save that for next time) and really wants to help out this summer with the orphan hosting program I've been involved with for a few years. This just blows my mind, because for a few years now, I have begged, pleaded, and basically offered my life, for someone, anyone, to please go with me to visit, or to help me sponsor an activity, or to write letters to orphan children, and it's always been no, I don't have time, that just doesn't interest me, I don't want to get that involved, etc. This wonderful woman read a few posts about my experiences with the orphans, and she's dying to get involved!! I can't wait for this summer!! Yeah, sorry for that big huge tangent!
Focus, focus.... Beware The Pregnant Lady. She is everywhere I go. She is at work times 2. She is in the family times 2. She is at church, times 2. She is in my friends list, not surprisingly, times 2. WHAT IS THIS? FREAKING NOAH'S ARK HERE???????????? It's okay for someone older than myself to be pregnant, that is the normal, natural thing that is supposed to happen. But when all these kids I used to think were so much younger than myself are walking around with kids on their hips or posting pictures of their big bellies, that's just not the natural order of the world!!!
I think we should start a REAL reality show, called Infertility Island. The only way you get off is if you get knocked up. Instead of competitions to see who can collect the most useless pieces of crap, let's see who can produce the most eggs. Instead of voting to see who sings the best, let's wager on who can produce the best semen. Instead of opening that case to find out how much money you just won or lost, why don't we find out how many failed cycles we're gonna go through? Instead of The Bachelor, let's have The Sperm Donor. Let's put a new spin on Survivor. Let's have our own Amazing Race of sorts, whoever gets to the next clinic first gets treated to a free round of injectibles and all-day spa treatments!
Off to bed, so I can get up early and go to hell. I'm in charge of hell tomorrow. The rest of the managers are either in the hospital, off, or close. So it's convenient for me to be a "real" manager tomorrow, instead of "just" a Team Leader. God, I really hope this other job comes through, and SOON!!!!!!
(On a separate note, my car died today, less than a week after being in the body shop because some moron who couldn't drive hit me, which was less than a week after I bought new tires... If it wasn't paid for and the first car I bought on my own.....)

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Why I am not freaking out about my wedding.....

If I've been asked once, I've been asked a million times.... "Are you getting nervous about your wedding?" "Are you nervous yet?" "Wow! I bet your freaked out, aren't you?!" And my reply is always "What is there to be nervous about?" Which really freaks out the person asking said question. To which they ask "WHY?" and look at me like I have 5 heads or something. My reply is generally that, something is bound to go wrong, something will not work out like we have planned it, but at the end of the day, the end result will still be the same: we will be married! What I can't tell most people, and thus far have not told ANYONE, is the *****real***** reason I am not at all nervous or freaked out or scared about my wedding day. Ah, the power and freedom to speak that an anonymous blog gives me!!!!! So here's the real reason I'm perfectly calm.....
We're infertile. Not just "we're-going-to-have-problems-getting-pregnant" infertile. Not just "it's-going-to-take-a-long-time" infertile. Not just "we're-gonna-need-a-turkey-baster" infertile. Not even just "freeze-those-embryos-and-we'll-use-them-next-time" infertile. There will be no grand moment we announce to the world "WE ARE PREGNANT!!!" No amount of fertility drugs will help. No amount of surgery will help. It is not just unlikely that we will ever have biological children. It is not improbable, it is completely, totally, 100% I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E. Not gonna happen. No chance.
Not many people are faced with that news BEFORE they are married. Most people "try" to have kids before they find out about any difficulties, and most of those people try and try and try every single fertility plan in the world before the doctor gives them the news that there will be no children expelling from her uterus. So it's not like there are people who completely understand me on this. DH obviously doesn't want everyone to know about this just yet. That would bring on lots of other questions that we're not ready to answer yet. Because how many people actually know before they are married that they have no chance? I could launch into a whole freakin' BOOK about the emotions and issues of knowing something like this beforehand, but I'll save that for another post, another day. Back to the reason I'm so calm about this whole wedding thing.
Our wedding is just one day. The ceremony is actually a very small portion of one day. The whole thing, ceremony and reception, are a few hours of our entire lives. Granted, it is a very important day, I want everything to be pretty, I want it to be nice and all, but it is, in fact, JUST ONE DAY. It's just the beginning. If I let something like some flowers, that are gonna die anyway, get me upset.... If I let every bridesmaid not having matching jewelry turn me into bride-zilla.... If I let the fact that 5 children ages 3 and under might not cooperate and stand exactly where we want them to the entire ceremony, if I let that make me want to pull my hair out..... If I let the fact that every aspect is not gonna be picture perfect ruin the whole day for me, what is the rest of my life gonna be like? If I can't handle imperfect flowers, how will I ever handle filling out adoption forms for the tenth time because one section wasn't worded right? If all those nephews and a niece standing in the wrong place stresses me out, how will I ever make it through a 24-hour plane ride with a child who doesn't speak the same language as me? If I expect that one day to be a fairy tale, I'm going to be in for a nightmare for life. We're never having a baby. We're more than likely going to a foreign country to adopt one or a couple of children. Knowing ahead of time that you can never have kids doesn't lessen the pain any at all, just like knowing ahead of time that you are gonna die from cancer would make you so thrilled.
There are bigger things to worry about. There are more important things to stress over. I refuse to spend my time worrying about my hair, or stressing over whether or not all the guests are sitting on the correct sides of the church. I'm going to save my tears, my stress, my worry, for bigger, more important things.
Before I type this sentence, let me state that I am absolutely, completely, one million percent, in love with my fiance. There is no other man I would rather marry, I am going into this marriage with my eyes open, and I would not trade my sweetie for anything in the world, he is perfect for me. [end disclaimer] Most little girls dream of marrying their prince, and the whole white picket fence, all the kids they want, happily-ever-after story. When you realize that marrying the man of your dreams means the end of all those dreams you had about being pregnant and giving birth to his kids, somehow the details of that important day dim greatly.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Leaving Hell.... And women in labor in the restaurant

There's a high probability that I could have another job within the next 6-9 weeks!! If it's full time, I can leave Hell completely!!! If it's part time, I'm gonna tell them I can still work in Hell, but Tuesday and Thursday and possibly every other Saturday are the only days I will be available. I've pretty much been the pin ball on the schedule. All managers in my position are "required" to close at least 2 nights a week... I'm the only one who actually is made to stick by this rule, the others don't close at all, ever!! I'm only supposed to close 2 nights, and have asked them to work with me on this while I try to plan my wedding, because we are doing most everything ourselves (making invitations, no caterer, probably doing the flower arrangements, my mom is making all the dresses... I mean everything by ourselves!!) In the past month, there have been 2 weeks that I've had to close EVERY night... This started out as a college job, and when I was going to school during the day, working at night was fine. Now, however, I'm getting married, and work is no longer going to be such a high priority. I should first be there to care for my husband and actually see him before bed time. I want to be there to cook for him, I want to be there to welcome him home from work, I want to be his wife!!! With this new job, the pharmacy hours are 8-2, possibly changing to 8-5, Monday-Friday. NO night shifts, NO weekends... My fiance is a bank manager, so our hours would be close to the same, and I would get home before him almost always. We would FINALLY have Saturdays to spend together!! I found out about the job through my aunt, and she seems to think that the job is mine if I want it. I should know something within the next few weeks. I really hope it works out!!!
Okay, women in labor in the restaurant..... That's always lovely.... Of course I've never been pregnant, and never will be, but I've known plenty of pregnant ladies and been around them long enough to know that ya can't really control where your water breaks.... But if you're in active labor, should you really come into a restaurant and eat before you go to the hospital? I mean, there IS something called a drive-thru... So anyway, Tuesday night is Family Night, which actually should be called Kids' Night, because all these little pre-school aged kids come in, generally screaming and yelling and crying.... It's not the best night for me to close anyway, partly because I CANNOT STAND a screaming, out-of-control kid pitching a fit while the parent lets them do it without disciplining the child.... However, the bigger reason is it's just painful. On a good day, I can handle it, but even on a good day when Big Mama brings her 8 kids in that she can't control because she's about to pop with her 9th, it's a little overwhelming for someone who knows she will never be there. On a bad day, the sight of parents with their small children hurts, seeing pregnant bellies hurts, and those screaming kids make me wonder why those parents could have all the babies.... So I have a deal with the other managers that I work in the kitchen on Tuesday nights if I have to close. Tonight I didn't have a chance to go on break before Family Night started, so I ***thought*** I would be safe eating in the dining room after the fun was over and the kids all went home... WRONG!!!!!!!! I ask why we're giving special treatment to this one couple (we give special treatment to lots of customers, and I was just curious), and the other manager tells me that the woman is in labor (!!!!) and she wanted to eat before she went to the hospital!!! So they're finishing up their meal, and then they come talk to us before they leave.... It's their 4th child (his 5th) and they're so excited, they can't wait, they're telling us names blah blah blah...... Well just dig out my heart and let me eat THAT for supper!!!!

Saturday, April 7, 2007

Introduction, and the beginning of the Insanity

So, after reading about 85 million infertility blogs, here I am with my own! For starters, I'm not really married yet, at least not until next month, but it was a lot easier to describe my blog as being married now, rather than having to change it in a month.... Not that I would remember to change it, and that would just be weird.... Dated DH 4 years, except for that 3-month-period in which I told him not to even speak to me about dating, marriage, etc, until he could make up his mind and was ready to get married, for sure, with a house, and a date set. Some nerve, most people thought, but eventually he came around.
We are both Christians. I will refer to God a lot, because without Him, I am nothing. Christianity is an important part in our lives. You don't have to agree with me on everything or anything, but please respect my beliefs in my blog, and I will respect your beliefs in yours. :)
The beginning of the insanity..... I guess really the insanity began when we started dating. About 2 years into the relationship, he told me he had known for several years that he could not possibly bear children. I had dreamed all my life of marrying my prince, having all the babies I wanted, and living happily-ever-after with a white picket fence. Usually when God is trying to drop hints to me, He ends up hitting me in the head with something really big and painful, and this was no exception. (You think I'm kidding -- the time before that it was an 88-thousand-lb 18-wheeler in the rear!!) I realized that God had been dropping hints all throughout my life, that I was called from the beginning to adopt. I do believe that adoption is a calling, and (I may be biased) it does take a special person with a special heart to adopt.
Not really sure just how much I'll reveal about why we're infertile or the juicy details of his life, but I'll be pretty open about my own, without revealing too many details. I'll probably post a lot about my nephews and niece, and whatever the next 2 babies are (yes, I, the Forever Infertile Bride, will have 2 T-W-O pregnant bridesmaids), because I am THE Fun Aunt. They're always saying or doing something so darned funny, and after all, they are like our children, because they are the closest thing to biological children we will ever have.
So, really in this blog, I've told you nothing, yet I've told you everything. You'll probably find all of my postings to be rambling and not very coherent, I assure you I am not always this way, but the only time I am online is way too late when I should be asleep. Ah, the price you pay for a little privacy!!
So... I'm getting married next month (4 weeks from tomorrow actually!!), we already know there will be no biological children... Oh yes, more details.... A very limited number of people know about this (like immediate family and one or two close friends is it) because we're not married yet, so unless ya know the details, ya wonder why/how we already know about our infertility (no, we haven't "tried" to have children yet!) I would love to talk about it and to let more people know, because it's tough to talk about adoption and answer questions like "Why are you not wanting to have 'your own' kids?" or not stab peoples' eyeballs out when they lecture you about how EVERY female should at least have ONE biological child, I mean you just HAVE to, I KNOW you will change your mind when you get married!! I want to adopt from Ukraine, Russia, Vietnam, or possible somewhere else. He objected at first, then decided he would rather risk his life on an airplane than go through testing/procedures it would take to determine what we already know (at which point it was obvious why men are not the ones giving birth... they are wimps)... I have serious issues with DHR in our area, and darned near absolutely refuse to even think about fostering, but also understand that it works for lots of people, and applaud and respect all foster parents. Hhmmm Okay enouhg random details....
Lastly, I'll introduce you to most of my cast of characters you'll be hearing about frequently....

  • DH -- that's Dear Hubby or whatever... He's slow, always late, and makes the weirdest associations about things, usually sticks his foot in his mouth, but ya gotta love the guy!! Awesome sense of humor, loves to pick on me (I pick back), also thoughtful at times and sensitive-but-not-too-sensitive. I'm very much in love with my sweetie!!
  • My parents -- titles yet to be determined.... Probably Mom and Dad or something.... Mom - loud, opinionated, and right, dang it!! Dad - honest, protective, hard-working.... Love them both and they have been great parents, even if over-protective.
  • OS and B-I-L -- older sister and brother-in-law.... Was like a second Mom growing up, now we're more like friends. Athletic, able to beat up the boys in school and embarass them on the basketball court.
  • YS and B-I-L -- younger sister and her hubby.... Argh, don't get me started... I love her because she's my sister, I can ssay anything I want to, but don't you dare talk about her, or I swear I WILL beat you up!!! Some things none of us ever outgrew....
  • S-I-L and B-I-L -- DH's sister and b-i-l.... Sweet girl, love her to death!!! b-i-l is athletic and hates chocolate! Both fun to be around.
  • In-Laws -- DH's parents.... Love them too.
  • Oldest Nephew -- almost 4, calls me the Fun Aunt, likes me to take him to the movies, park, playground in Hell, anywhere!!! Lots of funny stories.
  • Middle Nephew -- Oldest Nephew's brother, soon-to-be midle child, which explains the bond we have shared from the beginning. almost 1.
  • Youngest Nephew -- name to be changed in the fall... Just 7 months, like to eat and sleep and laugh.
  • Only Niece -- DH's niece, name likely to be changed in the fall.
  • Two more niece/nephew (s) to be added when we find out what they are. OS and S-I-L are about 3 weeks apart, due in November.

Hell.... That's just what I frequently call my current place of employment. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am a top-college-graduate, working in a quick-service restaurant (read: top-notch fast food place).... You can tell how much I love my job, which hopefully will change after we're married. Started out as a college job, but when ya major in just-keep-on-and-get-your-master's, I mean Psychology, and minor in let's-go-play-some-games, I mean Recreation, and live in a small town, your option are limited.... So until I decide what I really want to be when I grow up, or just find something with day time hours, Monday-Friday, I'm stuck.... Needed the insurance until I'm married and get on DH's costs-less-but-worth-more plan.

Uh, yeah.... This is kinda long and probably doesn't really say much, but things will get more interesting from here, I promise!! Oh, and.... Ignore any typos, I'm not ignorant, I'm just too lazy to go back and make changes if I miss them the first time!!