Friday, October 15, 2010

... And then the poo hit the fan

Apparently, I "st*ea*l the j*o*y" from pg announcements. And apparently, I get mad at people when they are able to make that announcement. At least that's what I was told today. And I responded that no, it doesn't make me mad, I'm GLAD other people don't have to go through this. Does it hurt? Sure. Am I a little quieter and do I keep to myself after an announcement? Sure. If that is misconstrued as anger, then I'm sorry.
Am I angry? Or what am I angry at? I'm angry at and about people who don't have the kahunas to tell me they are expecting. It makes me angry when someone maliciously keeps that news from me, but talks about it in front of me. It hurts my feelings AND makes me angry when someone kicks me when they KNOW I'm already down. I'm angry with the whole IF situation, but not with people for whom IF is not a problem. It does make me angry when a cr*ck he*d can have all the babies she wants, then people like hubby and me spend years trying to help those children straighten out their lives. I'm NOT AT ALL angry with the birthmother who knows she can't give her child the life she desires, and chooses to let someone who can do so raise that child. It takes great strength, bravery, and love to do that, and I have the most respect and gratitude for the women who make that choice.
Those announcements do in fact hurt. I can honestly say I am happy for someone, and still hurt for myself at the same time. I may need some time to digest the news, but I'm still happy for the person.
It sucks to be in these shoes... It's easy to get beaten down when announcements and big bellies and second and third and fourth children all happen so easily for everyone around you, but you've never made it past CD28, and you're trying to follow all these ridiculous rules so that someone else can tell you that you are "good enough" to adopt a child. But apparently, I'm also supposed to walk around with a crap-eating grin on my face and never be sad or upset, so I won't "st*e*al the j*o*y."

1 comment:

Teresa said...

I have not gone through the trouble you've gone through, but I know those feelings of anger. Hang in there. If you ever need someone to rant to, I got a couple of good listening ears!