Monday, June 28, 2010

On Homework and procrastination

Wow. My thumb hurts! Some things never change - in high school, I started a new project or assignment with gusto, promising myself this one would be spaced out and completed early, and I'd get plenty of sleep the night before. Which usually meant I did great on the first day, but truly did my best work in the 11th hour. Or later.
Yikes. Add 10 plus years to that, and you'll have an already exhausted adult, who goes to bed after midnight with a sore thumb, and almost-completed work. Between a lunch break and an hour between work and class, this week's assignments will be DONE. Hubby is a bigger procrastinator than I, and is still working. Rumor has it there's a lot of homework at the beginning, and less at the end.
Let's hope... It's interesting work, and things we want/need to discuss... And while I'm glad this homework comes sans teenage angst, I was hoping we'd have school-aged children before we had homework as adults!
Here's to getting finished and staying awake for week 2 ;)

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Just sounding off about the in-laws

Ugh. If. I KNOW they don't like a restaurant, I don't PICK that place when we're going to be eating a meal with them... I would like the same consideration, dang it!!! But no, it's our Sunday to eat with them, and we're going to a disgusting, greasy fish place. I don't eat fish at all, and they know this. They also fry their chicken in the same oil, so I don't eat that either. Looks like it's a yummy lunch of cheese sticks that I will have to share with my niece and nephew.
My mother-in-law was kind enough to buy me a picture at a yard sale. "I know you don't like flowers, but I thought this picture of flowers would look good in your bedroom!" Uh, thanks. That's the most (in)considerate gift!
I was told last week that I'm the most agreeable person a co-worker has ever met. I'm beginning to hate being so agreeable, because it seems like nobody ever wants to return the agreeableness, and you just end up with half a cheese stick for lunch. And hubby wonders why I don't exactly jump at the chance to hang with his fam!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Looking forward

I'm sitting here @ home, by myself, watching some tv while waiting on the washing machine to stop. I went to a state park this afternoon, to play with some nephews.
One might think I would be more than happy to sit here in silence after a crazy day @ work followed by lots of playing and singing and inadvertently teaching an 18-month-old to say "good golly"... And refraining from teaching his big brothers (ages 6 and 4) Y*our Ma*ma jokes. Because so far, I've only taught them to talk about yer mama.
In truth, I'm not sad or upset that it's quiet and I'm about to go get some uninterrupted sleep. It's more a quiet hope, an expectation that life is so close to changing. Will I look back and miss these quiet nights? It's possible... But I am so accustomed to creating kiddie chaos wherever I go, that I don't think I'll really miss it. We're gonna play hard, and run in the house, and play in the mud, and sometimes eat too much junk and not enough "good" stuff for a meal.
While I may bask in the quietness for now, I definitely look forward to a screaming baby and rowdy toddlers. Does this make me sound insane?

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

First class over... So much homework!

Okay, it's been several years since I had homework! Our first class was lasnt night. Go figure, we knew people in the class - one lady and I went to the same high school for a year, hubby has met at least a couple through his job. Most of those in the class are looking to foster or foster-adopt.
There was one other couple besides us who was only interested in adoption... They look young, too, and I think she and I were the most nervous people in the room! They jetted out the door as soon as we were done, but hopefully we can get to know them better throughout the class.
We have lots of homework - like pages and pages of "together" work, and many more pages of "separate" work. There will be no stone left unturned, no skeleton left in the closet... Not that we really have skeletons in the closet, but if we did, they would be found and dragged out and thoroughly examined.
And speaking of the closet... And spare bedrooms, and garage. We've got a couple of weeks to get them all cleaned out and organized and ready for a child to occupy. There's an entire manual that I have yet to read, that will let us know what we need to do, such as fire extinguishers and safety stuff, to get our house approved.
One of our worksheets is specifically for "loss of fertility," as it reads. It asks a lot of questions, basically to see if we have grieved the loss of biological children and if we have done our research. The past several years have been more about the big IF than adoption, but that trend is changing. I've felt a disconnect for quite sometime, between myself and IF, and last night's class was a huge, therapeutic step away from poor, but fun, infertile Aunt NotTheMama, and toward the fun Mommy. I finally feel like we're making tangible, deliberate movrs towards becoming parents.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

We could be parents within the year

Apprehensive is probably the most accurate description of how I feel! I said from the beginning that I would *not* go through our state to adopt. I was dead set on international adoption, and yes, I've done my homework on both. Hubby has signed us up for this 9-week class, telling me we're just gonna "give it a try."
I'm gonna be straight up with the two of you who may read this - fostering, foster-adopting, d*h*r in general scares the hell out of me! I know personally several families who have done or attempted some combination of all of the above, and I can count more cases that have NOT ended well than those that have. Children promised to a couple that had them for years, then were quite literally ripped from those parents' arms and sent to another state to live with stranger-relatives. FP's that made their FC's live in a totally separate part of the house, and when we visited, we were not allowed to go to the "adult" side of the house to eat with our parents. Young friends hoping to adopt an adorable set of twins who were again promised these children, and "suddenly" an aunt decided that since mom was out of the picture, she would take them. Friends of hubby who, even after the adoption of their children is finalized, take alternate routes, watch their backs in public, and within the last couple of months, the biological grandmother saw them at a school function, made threats to take them, and nearly pushed down the wife!
I have been reassured by multiple people that we do NOT have to foster, we can straight up adopt. Don't get me wrong, FP's are greatly needed, and "good" FP's I'm sure are hard to find... It's just not for me. I get too attached, I wouldn't fare so well if I had to send a baby back to who-knows-what. Maybe if we hadn't been through so much already... But I've already given up the *dream* of (biological) children, and I I know how hard that has been. I'm not sure how many losses of actual children my heart and mind could take before I was admitting myself to one of the facilities I package medication for. :) I'm only half joking - I honestly think I would lose my mind.
But suppose I actually DON'T get crapped on in this deal, and we actually DO bring home a living, breathing child, and nobody comes out of the woodwork to take him/her back, and I'm NOT constantly looking over my shoulder for abductors... Holy crap, batman, it's theoretically totally possible that we could be parents by the end of the year!? Well, not really sure what the "wait" is, and how many hoops there are to jump through *after* this class. But wow. Not to sound like Debbie Downer, but while a part of me wants to start buying diapers and wipes and baby paraphenalia, the other part of me thinks about all of the things that could go wrong between now and then. Will there be a time when I just enjoy the moment instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop?

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I just want to lay down and cry, and I'm not gonna proofread this either

It's nothing, really. Then again, it's everything. Remind me next year to *not* volunteer for 2 weeks straight of v*b*s! I'm just exhausted, I'm ready for an evening at HOME after work, where I can just come in, do some housework, and COOK a real meal - or not. Being around all these babies is like getting some bad crack - I KNOW it's gonna make me feel crappy, but I just can't stop myself! Last night, I held the little girl who belongs to my best friend from high school, while the grandmother took out her son. Beautiful red curls, made my heart ache to think that she and her big brother have just about made it to the age where my friend will just be done with them and give them to her mom. And she just keeps poppin' 'em out.she just had # 4, she doesn't have custody of her oldest, and more often than not, the grandmother has the next 2. She just no longer has the mental capacity to take care of children, due to an extended illness when we were in high school.
All those "kids" I used to think were just babies? Yeah, I'm taking care of THEIR kids now! Everyone comments on how most of the kids at all of the churches around here call me AuntNotTheMama, and how awesome I am at playing with and caring for any and all children... While that's true, it makes my heart ache, because I want to love and care for my own children like that! I'm tired of "substitute" children, but the alternative (no children in my life at all) is unfathomable.
Work is always a blast (not)... Favorite co-worker always finds a way to mention infertility and someone who "magically" got pregnant after being told it wasn't possible. It's obvious she "really does understand," after today... A girl we all know got pregnant using IF treatment, with thriplets, and now has lost one. Favorite co-worker is all "but I'm sure she's just thrilled with the other 2, and if something does happen, then at least she knows she CAN get pregnant!" Um, yeah. As if the knowledge that yes!you!can! Get pregnant completely negates that you have already lost 1. As a friend who recently had a m/c put it, this was not a practice round! UGH!!! It just goes to show how completely CLUELESS this girl is!
So. It's bedtime. I could go on for hours, but that would only make me more tired and thus more weepy and irritable. And with 15 4-year-old-and-under children to keep up with this week, weepy and irritable are a bad combination! Did I mention AF will be here tomorrow? FUN TIMES MAN!!!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Trying not to lose it on a fire call

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that hubby is on the vo*lunteer f*ire dept in our community. So are younger sis and b-i-l, Daddy, about half the men in our church, etc. It's just not for me, I'd rather spend my giving-back-time working with the kids @ church.
We hadn't been in the door even 5 minutes tonight when the radio went off, for a house on our road. I don't generally go on calls with him, unless we're out together, or the power is off (big chicken that I am), or there's something going on where I'm afraid to stay by myself. Like when there's an "unkown" problem with a "female" about a mile down the road, and the sh*errif's off*ice is sending an off*icer to investigate.
I'm probably not supposed to go into details, but let's say narcotics and alcohol are involved, a l*dy is on her way to the e*r, and now the guys are checking out the b*by, whose s*ippy c*p smells like the same thing mommy was drinking with the mo*rphine that was NOT prescribed to her. I'm really glad I only had salad for supper, because I'm having a hard time keeping even the little I ate of it down.
I'm also trying hard not to judge, especially not knowing the whole story. But c'mon. You just gave your baby WHAT?????? I'm sitting here dying for a baby, and you're on your way to the hospital, while strangers take care of your scared-out-its-mind 1-or-2-year-old, who may be dr*unk and/or h*igh, on who KNOWS what!
They found at least 1 cup with a lil more than apple juice in it, and d*h*r is on their way for the baby. The baby, who in just a few minutes, will be taken to some more strangers' house. If you're gonna be stupid, get a baby-sitter.

Saturday, June 12, 2010


If you are already coughing and snotty and congested, pulling weeds from your flower bed is not wise.
If you are accustomed to spending your days in an air-conditioned car, office, and home, only venturing outside for short (less than an hour) periods of time, spending several hours pulling weeds in direct sunlight when it's over 90 degrees, is less than intelligent.
If you simply must get rid of the weeds, you would be smart to drink some water and have some food BEFORE you begin your endeavor.
But you should probably just let the weeds have their way, or only tackle one section.
If you insist on doing the whole thing, you will reach a point where suddenly, you are weak and extremely hot and not sure you can make it up the steps, into the house, down the hall, and into the bathroom.
But supposing you do make it, you will probably really freak out your sweet hubby who is trying to figure out why you're dying on the bathroom floor. He will, however, go get you a bottle of water.
You will take a nap in the bathroom floor, make sure you sloooowly sit up, slooowly get to your knees, then sloooowly stand up and proceed to the shower.
You will spend the rest of the day, not cleaning house the way you'd planned... Instead, you will lay on the couch, make fun of your odd sunburn lines, and have a headache for the remainder of the day.
Of course your sister will call from your parents' house, needing your help. And you will put off going over there, because they don't run their air, and they are putting up veggies from the garden, and you're not sure you are up to playing. But you will go, and the 4 boys will make you laugh a lot, and you'll stay way longer then you'd intended. And you will sincerely enjoy the time spent making the baby laugh, and wrestling the big boys, and trying to keep the baby out of the kitchen and away from mama. That boy loves his mama. :)
Then you will come home and marinate the chops that have been thawing in the sink all afternoon. Your wonderful hubby will cook his ailing wife a supper of chops on the grill and broccoli with cheese. Then you will take one more cocktail of sinus/headache/cough/bcp meds and try to sleep.
Wow. It actually IS possible to spend an entire day at (or around) home, and be perfectly content to NOT make plans for town, and NOT invite company over, and NOT go out to eat. We should do this more often! Minus that whole almost passing out thing. That was not so awesome!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Here we go again...

Would it be too much to ask you to have your breastfeeding conversations *away* from the infertile?

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Did I say boring was good? What I meant was, please, everyone make me cry.

Okay, so I contained the crying to a few tears in my car. Which makes me mad and more upset; sometimes, I wish I could just pitch a big ole' fit like my nephews do, with no regards to how crazy I look or what people would think.
We had a substitute ph*armist today, one who has a young son, and since I was surrounded by young mommies and pregnant mommy, you can probably guess what every conversation was about today. Don't get me wrong, I love children, and I do talk about them a lot, but I've also been around plenty of mommies who can and do talk about a vast array of topics. And don't friggin whine and gripe about how horribly sucky it is to have a newborn. Really? Because I would love love LOVE to be able to experience that. So you don't sleep a lot, but I would trade sleep for that newborn smell and cuddling. The good thing was, I was able to get an incredible amount of work done today! I tried to keep to myself. Ya know, I really thought whispering and talking in hushed tones went out with about third grade. Turns out, there are adults who do the same things! Granted, I don't really CARE a lot about this person... But it's pretty darn RUDE to talk *around* a person standing 10 feet away. Ugh. But it's over, and thank God I get a break for a few days from Favorite Co-worker.
Fastforward to Wal*Mart. Of course you always run into someone you know. Cue strong suggestion that we should have a child of our own SOOOOOON! What I wanted to say: "Whatthacrap do ya think we've been doin' for THREE FRICKIN' YEARS!?!?" What I said, with a wave of the hand: "I dunno, sometime...". Which was met with the ever-so-popular, "But you would make such a GREAT Mom!!!!" Ugh.
BEFORE this encounter, I had already maxxed out my brain, to the point that I was just kind of standing in the aisle staring at nothing. I hate that mental fog, that feeling that my brain can't comprehend what I actually came in the store to get. After that encounter, I found myself staring at the tuna and canned meats, past them really, just trying not to think or cry. I managed to make it back to my car. But I didn't have time for crying, because I had to get the WM stuff to my sis-in-law, then run home to throw the pizza in the freezer, then get on to VBS @ my sisters' church.
Normally, such a WM encounter wouldn't really bother me that much. But after being surrounded by pregnant-this and baby-that All.Day.Long.Non.Stop. Well, that was just the last slap-in-the-face I could take.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Still here, putting along :)

Just checking in... There's not really a lot going on, yet I'm constantly busy... I guess it would be more accurate to say, there's plenty going on, just not much is blog-worthy. We had an "average" weekend, just hangin' out with family and playing with all the kids. I'm remembering why I can only handle younger sister in small doses when she's pregnant - soooooo moody!!! Love that girl, but I refuse to be the butt of her bad moods. We're still working on an application (read: it is sitting on our ottoman, blank) for an adoption/fostering class that I'm still not really sure I want to be involved with *ever*, and really don't feel prepared to tackle this month.
I guess the biggest news is, we are really close to selling our old house!! We've had several people look at it, and if we include a tiny little spot of land, we may actually get the price hubby is asking. It will be so nice to only have one mortgage payment, 1 electric bill, water bill, NO gas bill, etc. Yay!!!
Sorry to not have any super huge exciting news, but normal-busy boring is a nice place to be for a while! ;)

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Gotta get a new air conditioning unit

The only problem with buying a 10-15-year-old house? Time to replace the air conditioning! We haven't had cool air all Spring/Summer. Thankfully, it's "only" been in the upper 80's for the most part. Except it's been raining a lot, therefore add humidity, and drying then curling my hair in the mornings is like getting ready in a greenhouse. I've been on a cooking strike, except for a family reunion. The air man is coming out tomorrow to replace our unit. Which means cleaning the kitchen and tidying up the living and dining rooms. Why is it I don't really care WHAT my house looks like if my mom comes over, but let a repairman or my mother-in-law come over, and I'm spazzin' out trying to make things presentable?
Don't get me wrong - we aren't nasty or anything, just messy. Admittedly lazy, as it were. The newspaper doesn't make it to the recycle bag for a week... We're home and/or awake long enough to wash and dry laundry, but somehow it doesn't make it off the loveseat until we are ready to use/wear it again. The dining room table is where hubby LOVES to throw bills/work/meds/dry cleaning. Kick your shoes off by the couch and leave them there, it makes them easier to find tomorrow. That kind of thing. I do admit that I didn't wash those dishes from the family reunion b/c the house is soooooo hot... But I'm doing it now, and sweating through it, because I'm so sure the air man cares whether my kitchen was spotless.
As we've had several visits from several companies lately, I keep saying I won't let it get piled up again.... And every time a new one comes, I miss some sleep making my house look like I've got all my s#*+ together. Why does it matter?
But it does... So let's go wash some dishes when I should have been in bed an hour ago. Aaaahhhhhhh... It will be so worth it, though, to not sweat directly after taking a cpold shower!