Monday, June 30, 2008

Thanks for making me cry in Wal**M@rt!!

So any time you go to that store, you're gonna run into someone you know... Regardless of which particular store in whichever town you happen to be in, it's gonna happen. I've witnessed my sister bring someone (we'll call her T) to tears when she tolder T she was pregnant again. Well, now it's happened to me, glad I can get that one out of the way!! ;)
I knew another friend ("A") was expecting her adopted baby daughter to be born soon. I saw A and her beautiful 5-day-old baby Friday at WM. We hugged, I fussed over the baby (she really was such a beautiful baby, and I know how long she's waited/hoped/prayed for this baby, so I AM very happy for them), etc. She asked me how much longer we had to wait (I didn't even know that she really knew we were infertile and planning to adopt, too), I of course was disgusted, and told her 2 more years. She hugged me again and said "See, in just a couple more years, you'll be doing this too, it'll be here before you know it!!" And I rushed off to the bathroom before anybody saw me cry.... Not sure what the deal was towards the end of last week, but the emotions were running rampant!!! (Uh, shouldn't that have been happening around the 20th instead of last week?)
In other news.... Four day work week, one day down!! Got a good bit of cleaning and straightening today, which means I'm in for a productive week @ home. Hubby's only work day was today, he has taken tomorrow-Thurs. off (his office is closed Fri anyway), to sell fireworks for a man who lives in our community and goes to church with us..... And I've got some kind of scratchy throat, sinus crud lingering around that doesn't seem to be changing, even with the Clar!t!nD I took for a few days..... And I've been busy spoiling ALL of the niece and nephews a lot more than usual. So it's life as usual, I guess, with a lot more tears than usual thrown in, just for good measure!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

VBS-Hopping, infertility, and more

I thought once I hit adulthood (okay, actually once I was finished with elementary school), that I was finished church-hopping for VBS. When we were growing up, our mom would take us to every Bible School at every church in our community. Sure, you ended up with 10 of the same craft, because everyone used the same kits, but it was fun!!! I helped teach the 4-year-olds at my church, and thought I was done for the year... Then my sister needed help, so here I am this week, going to Bible School at one of the churches I participated in Bible School at as a child. My main job has been keeping up with my 2-year-old nephew, and occassionally with my 5-year-old nephew and 4-year-old cousin, depending on who was crying/running away/screaming at me/clinging to me at the moment. It is definitely more fun to go to VBS as an adult who is free to be a kid-chaser! :) I've had a blast. And been called gorgeous by a 2-year-old, after 3 hours of chasing him around in 90 + degree weather.
Then I come home and cry. Because I. Want. That. Tonight, I brought the 2-year-old home with me while my sister was finishing up some craft stuff, and hubby and I entertained him. You know you ***really*** want kids after you chase them all week long, then chase them on your couch and in your living room, and even though the quiet is nice when they go home, you miss them like crazy!! Seriously, it's getting so bad that the last time I cooked at home, I cut up hubby's country fried steak. There have been lots of tears tonight, after the tot left... Hubby and I sat on the couch with a tired baby squirming and wiggling and chattering away, and it was so nice. Hubby brought me my pizza, fixed my drink, etc, which is what I usually do for him, then put everything up after we were finished. He took the baby off my hands for a few minutes when the poor little creature was driving me nuts. (The same poor little creature I cried for when he left hahaha... I've got it bad!) I hid my tears from hubby, because it's not really fair to cry in front of him. I'm supposed to be a strong woman and just handle it, right? I don't want to make things harder on him. Then later, I cried because I knew that (TMI, sorry) our actions did not result in the baby I (we) want. I saw it in his eyes when he was playing with our nephew on the couch... He wants a munchkin, too. And such a good man really does deserve a son that looks just like him, or a daughter with his eyes.... Tears again....
That peace is still there. Isaiah 40:31 keeps coming to mind... They that WAIT upon the Lord, shall renew their strength.... Mount up with wings like eagles..... I'm trying to wait patiently. Wait. Wait. Wait...... There is actually peace in the waiting, even though we live in a world that tells us waiting is bad and we should have the newest, biggest stuff NOW. Peace that God has plans to prosper us, not to harm us, to give us hope and a future. I have peace because I have hope. Not hope that God will give me what I think I want/need, but hope that He knows the perfect plan for me, and if I'll just WAIT, life will be so much better, so much sweeter, than if I try to do things my way.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Peaceful days

Life has been much more peaceful lately. I was trying to log on to to copy most of a message I setnt a friend earlier in the week, but it's taking forever just to log in... Darn dial-up!! That's all we can get out here in the country. Anyway.
I like control. I like to plan. I like to plan because then I can control what is going on.... Or at least that's the way it's **supposed** to be. Lately, God has been teaching me that I don't have to be in charge, I don't have to plan, I don't have to spend my time and energy on the things I've been focused on for so long. (TMI coming!) I don't have to pee on a stick every day of every month to see if I'm ovulating, because God is in control. I don't have to map out an adoption plan for 5 years down the road because God is in control. I don't have to spend hours trying to learn everything there is about adoption and bringing a child home 5 years before I'm even going to need that information (which is really just another way for me to control and plan.. I may not have the kids, but I'll spend my time doing what I can to prepare for them.. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it can become a bad thing when you are using that research time to replace kids.. Anyway, sorry about the psychology tangent hahaha), because God is in control.
That's the main thing we all need to remember, isn't it? That God is in control. Even the most fertile lady in the world can't really control when/if she becomes pregnant. Granted, there are things you can do to prevent pregnancy, and actions you can take to make it more possible, but in the end, none of us really control it. You can read all the reports and studies you want, but in the end, those people don't know your child. A lot is going to change in 5 years on the adoption front, so even if I think I'm doing us a favor by "being prepared," it's probably going to be completely different when we do adopt.
More practical things I can do, and am in the process of doing...
*** Restoring order to my house... You know, finish decorating it, unpack the rest of those boxes that have been in there for more than a year, clean out, get rid of those size 4 clothes that, let's face it, aren't going to ever be on this body again, PUT UP THE CHIRSTMAS DECORATIOONS ALREADY!!!! (Hey, there are just a few out, and I had to buy another container to put them in, and I just remembered to do that last night, okay? Sheesh. Relax...)
*** Starting that infertility support group. When my Grandfather died, I got rather off course while I was taking care of the rest of the family. I have 2 ladies interested currently. I also am probably about to send a card and letter to a third lady in the community who just found out she can't have kids.
*** Continue enjoying our niece and nephews, and helping out our sisters... I was just thinking today about how glad I am that I have been able to be the aunt I always wished I had. My dad's sisters were all too old to be as much fun as we wanted them to be. My mom's sisters were all in high school and college, too busy for their nieces. So we play in the hose pipe and catch lightening bugs... I took 2 of them (ages 4 and 2) to Wal>M?Art with me today to get an oil change, and we drove the buggy around like a crazy driver, and played, and tickled each other, and laughed, and made lots of other people laugh, too. And got bubble guns. And ate a corn dog and chicken. And took naps on the way home. (Well, I didn't nap...)
Anyway... I find myself much more content to just let go of the planning and controlling, and just live in the moment. It is actually a relief to NOT be spending time on making plans and watching the calendar and thinking I am in control... Because actually, I am not in control. And I'm learning to be okay with that. :)

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Etc. insanity

Argh... I had plans to get a lot of housework done tonight, as hubby is away on business. What did I do instead? Went out to eat with my parents, my dad's sisters, and some cousins... Came home prepared to check "just one thing" online, then I was going to be a cleaning machine! Well, even before the "one thing," I got distracted with a different project, then got distracted by a couple of new blogs.... Mainly one by a lady who has adopted 4 kids from Russia/Ukraine. One of her posts was about the dreaded MD before she was a mom and it mentioned they had wanted kids for 10 years. That makes my 2-3 more years of waiting seem a lot easier to deal with!!
Did I mention I burned my back pretty badly? Let me introduce you to the clumsy/stupid/not-thinking-ahead side of me that tries not to come out very often, but really stands out when it does.... I was getting ready for work. Hubby had already left. It was really hot. (air was set on 75 or 78) I had taken a hot shower. (Shut up, I know it's 90-something outside, I just enjoy my hot showers, okay?) I had dried my hair with a hot hair dryer. I had curled my hair with a hot curling iron. I had either already ironed my clothes, or was about to do so, with a hot iron. My hair is really thick. My head was really hot. It's hard to put on make-up when you're sweating. I had hung up the hot curling iron on the towel rack, because I tend to get burned less when it's not on the counter. Usually.... Then I get the bright idea that I will put my head next to the air vent (that is on the wall, about head-level, conveniently) (that is also above the towel rack, that is about back level, INconveniently).... And forgot the curling iron was close by. So I back up to it, only thinking of cooling off my head, and suddenly my back gets a lot hotter. I have about an inch-long burn in a near-nonreachable spot on my back. The only thing I have remotely to be used for burns is Triple Antibiotic Ointment. (There is a locally made salve that will leave you with no blisters even after sticking your fingers in aa humongous vat of extremely hot oil while working in a restaurant... Yeah, I've done that too... But that's one of those things you don't really think about, until you need it... And it's a little hard to find...) I can't reach the burn to cover it with a band-aid. My bra strap goes over the worst part of the burn. Hubby has been a (mostly) good nurse and applies more TAO and a fresh bandage whenever I ask him to. And the bandage.... It has to be big. I've never been bothered by any kind of adhesives. I could wear whatever, wherever, and no biggie. Apparently my back does not like this particular adhesive. I'm sporting a humongous red rectangle on my back from the adhesive, with some minor skin breakdown. So now the bandages are out the window, I have more places to apply TAO (by myself in the am, remember hubby is gone), and can't really put any kind of covering over it. The plan is to apply the TAO, and layer with a white tank top and a difficult-to-iron white button-down shirt. In June. In the Deep South. In a pharmacy where the temp is set on 78 because I work with skinny, cold women. And do deliveries in the hottest part of the afternoon, getting out, turning off the engine about the time I stop suffocating in the car. And did I mention the "check engine soon" light came on AGAIN yesterday? And that I have to go to the worst part of the ghetto again tomorrow?

Monday, June 9, 2008

Now back to your regularly scheduled insanity, already in progress....

So, it's back to work after the funeral goings on. I thought this might (relax, I said might) get my house cleaned back up after the insanity of last month and the beginnings of this one... Then I remembered we have VBS this week, and I'm helping teach the 4-year-old class! After 2 days (Sat and Sun) of sleeping 12 hours each, I still don't really feel rested. Today was a usual (looooong) Monday, of having to be in a town more than 30 minutes away, in less than 30 minutes, then back in the first town with deliveries finished before a few places closed... And VBS started @ 6... I made it there by 6:30-6:45! Cutting back on Dr Pe**pper again? Yeah, not happening this week... I've got one in the freezer now. Clear out clutter, sweep, and mop the whole house? Maybe next week.... Clean laundry and clean dishes? Now there's something I have to MAKE myself do. It's work from morning-whenever, rush to VBS, home by 9 or 10 pm. Crash. After the clothes get done.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Family, Food, Funeral... And Fun?!?!

My sisters and I were told more than once tonight that we were having too much fun in the funeral home. It was really like a big party. There were few tears, mostly lots of talking and laughing and remembering. And doing things that would have gotten us in trouble 20 years ago.
The differences in my grandmother's and grandfather's deaths are amazing. Grandmother went in to have major surgery, which had the possibility of death, but she would've died without the surgery... She made it past the dangerous part, then died a few days later from infection. We knew the risk, but also knew how strong-willed she was, so her death was a big shock. I wasn't able to be there for much of the time, because I had a horrible job that wouldn't let me leave, even when my family called and told me she was dying. They didn't turn off the machines before everyone arrived, but my grandmother was gone before I got there. My grandfather spent the last 2 years missing the love of his life. He fell a few times, and had some fractures along his spine, but there was really not much physically "wrong" with him. I think he died of a broken, lonely heart. We knew this day was coming, and were much more prepared. I have a different job, and didn't even have to ask to be off for the funeral. With my Grandmother, I knew I couldn't find anyone to take my shift on short notice, so the day of her funeral, I went in to work for several hours, and the boss didn't bother to send me home.
I couldn't be there with Grandmother, and I wasn't there when Granddaddy died, but I was able to spend a lot of time with him in the days before. The last night of his life, I was there, and I was the one who held his hand through the night, so the others could get some sleep. It makes the circumstances of Grandmother's death a lot easier to deal with.
I was also the entertainer of everyone's kids. My mom and her brother are the oldest siblings, and all of their kids are grown, and half have their own babies. The other 3 sisters are a good bit younger, and have kids from 5 months-12 years. Sunday afternoon, I took 5 kids (4 10-12 year-olds, and a 4-year-old) to play putt putt and eat lunch. Whew. Hubby went with me. We decided that older child adoption is NOT what we will be doing first!!! ;) Another night (I think Monday or Tuesday, but they all run together) I took 5 kids ages 10-13 to the local park for an hour and a half. They needed to get out of the house for a while (everyone was basically living @ Grandaddy's house), to run around and be loud and play. They thought he was going to go that night, but it was the next day. We were all there (his 5 kids, all but 1 of the grandkids, and 1 great-grandchild, his cousin, his brother, and several others) that night, telling him it was okay to go home, and figuring out that he kept looking in the corner of the room, because he saw Grandmother. It was a sweet, sweet night. He had moments where he was very aware of who was in the room, what was going on, and he told us he loved us and answered questions when we were each talking to him.
The funeral is tomorrow, so that will be one more day of total family togetherness. And while I've enjoyed seeing everyone, Aunt NotTheMama needs a break!!! I'm good at taking care of everyone else, that's just what I do. Hold Granddaddy's hand, take the kids off everyone else's hands, feed the baby, play with the baby, answer a 4-year-olds questions about Heaven, that's just how I deal with death and sadness and loss. I'm much, much worse at taking care of myself. Saturday I'm planning to stay home, clean house (ugh, it's terrible!), and rest... Probably read a book, sleep in.... It's time for some "me" time!!!
As per usual, though, there has to be some family drama... Usually it's my mom and the oldest younger sister. They've actually done really well, but argh..... My Uncle is about to marry for the 3rd time, and there is more drama surrounding this than a junior high girls' sleepover. (Did I mention BOTH of his ex-wives came to the funeral home tonight?) Anyway. They're not married yet, but he's been living with her for a while. I'm pretty sure they were together before his divorce was finalized. Well, she had a m/c sometime recently. (He's in his 50's, she's 40-something) In the process of her procedures for that, it was discovered she has an std, which she gave to my uncle, who had to have some kind of procedure or treatment or something for that, yesterday. They couldn't go to the funeral home before lunch yesterday to plan everything, because they both had appointments yesterday. Even though they're not married, she was included in the obituary, because he doesn't have anyone else.... Well, it's his own choice!!!! And don't even get me started on how I feel about my uncle acting like a hormone-driven teenager and ending up in this whole predicament in the first place.... Or how my Grandfather was one of the most conservative men I know, and how disappointed he would've been if he even knew about all of this. And about how many times I was asked if my nephew was my son, because apparently the whole town thought I was expecting. I had heard this rumor a couple of months ago... My standard answer is no, I'm just the Fun Aunt, and I am spoiling everyone else's kids and sending them home when I want some quiet time. Honestly, after holding my 5-month-old, almost-10-lbs cousin and spoiling her rotten the past few days, NOTHING could be further from the truth.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

My grandfather died

Grandaddy died this afternoon while I was driving home from work. We will probably be at the funeral home Thursday night, and the funeral will be Friday. All I can say right now is, I'm glad he's not hurting anymore, I'm glad he's with Grandmother again in Heaven... And I am very thamkful to have spent the last night of my grandaddy's life, holding his hand and trying to be of comfort to him, and letting my aunts, uncle, and mom all get a good night's sleep. Before that, I took the 5 middle cousins (ages 9-12) to the local park for a little over an hour, so they could play and didn't have to be quiet or get in trouble.
Stayed in the (comfortable) wheelchair by Grandaddy's side until about 3:30am, when I heard the youngest cousin (5 months old) crying. I gently laid Grandaddy's hand on his extra pillow and went to get the baby, then my mom made me go to sleep. I am much more at peace with my grandfather's death than I was my grandmother's. :)
I'll probably be away for the remainder of the week, see y'all next week.