Sunday, January 30, 2011


1. The baby came home Friday. I held her a little bit, but my mom was having some bp issues, and we debated taking her to the er. It came down some, so she went to d*ocin*abox, who proceeded to give her some really dumb meds that she's not gonna take. So she's going to find a family doc.
2. I just can't get enough of holding and kissing the baby girl.
3. I hate those movies where everything works out in the end, and of course the couple lives happily ever after and has 2.5 kids with zero fertility issues. I hate that I'm this jaded, but IRL, the good guy doesn't always have it easy, just because he makes the right decision. Let's have him marry the right girl, but struggle through IF. Ugh I sound like a crochety old man. 4. I just woke up from a dream where there was some big party going on. It started in a restaurant, but then we were in a lodge. There were random people I really know, but from different times and places in my life. They all had babies or big bellies, except for me. They were passing one little girl around on posterboard, which I thought was dumb, then I almost dropped her and she cried. Then I held her and she went right to sleep.
5. I also had dreams about finishing all of this adoption stuff. Probably b/c hubby and his dad finished the rail yesterday, and we're just about ready for our final home visit.
6. Today is the 5th Sunday of the month... Which means that tonight is the community singing at our church... Which means I really will see random people from random places, and most of them will have babies and/or big bellies.
7. Sometimes I just want to lay down in the floor and pitch a good ol' fit - screaming, crying, kicking, and saying "When's it MY turn????"

Sunday, January 23, 2011

And then comes the crash....

Or actually, the slow, downward spiral that will result in a crash. A crash that will hopefully come in the comfort of my own home, with no company and witnesses of the ugly mess.
Because my precious little baby is back in the hospital, and I have to wait until morning to find out if she's still okay.
Because I will have to wait days and days to snuggle her up and kiss her and love on her and smell that little baby smell. Assuming she's okay.
Because I am once again an "only"....
"Only" the aunt. People who don't know our history do not understand there is so much more. Aunt NotTheMama is so much more than "only," the big brother wants her to look like me because I'm the funnest aunt. I may not BE Mama, but I am able to step in with a large number of children, and be substitute Mama when the "real" thing can't be there. With almost equal parts spoiling, loving, and discipline - Aunt NotTheMama is fun and bends the rules to some varying extent as long as safety is not compromised, but you still have to behave and eat your veggies and have manners.
Strangers do not even begin to know that Aunt NotTheMama can be counted on to be Mama at any time, with little to no notice, with sick kids, in the middle of the night, get them to have fun in the midst of tragedies, etc etc etc.
So "just" the aunt doesn't get to go in the nicu. And it's just hospital policy. And I'll just have to look at her through the window. And just wait until she comes home. And just take another slap in the face, another stab in the heart, because while family sees me as special, to the rest of the world, I am still "just" and "only" the aunt.

Hospital, Home, NICU

Brand New Baby Girl is in the NICU!!!! She did fine in the hospital, we figured her little hands and feet would be normal color in time. Everyone noticed that she turned blue from chin-nose, but it seemed to happen when she was sucking her pacifier, so they took it away. Then last night, I held her for a while, then laid her on the couch for a while. She started turning blue again, so sister called a local peds office. The dr on call (not out favorite, but not the least-liked either) basically asked her questions about being full-term. He didn't really offer any advice, so sister called the hospital nursery where she was born, and they said get her there asap. So far, they haven't really found anything, but they've done a lot of testing and cultures. Hopefully we'll know something soon!
They are only letting parents and grandparents in the NICU, so Aunt NotTheMama isn't liking that at all!!! They did get to hold her up in the window, and she looked better. I'm just ready to know she's okay, and snuggle her up again! Big Brother's care is being managed by me. He spent the night with us last night, is spending the night at home tonight, with me tomorrow night, and we'll see from there. Hopefully they will get to come home Tuesday, if everything goes okay.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Baby is here, I witnessed it all, and they haven't locked me in a room with my own white jacket yet ;)

Turns out it was a good day all around. God is good, and has given an abundance of the grace and mercy I've prayed for. We did get here before she was born, and I did decide to stay in the room. I watched it all! And I got to cut the cord! And then, I got to hold her fuh-evah! Then I got to hand her to nephew C, who was beaming with the pride only a big bro can have.
So take that, AF! Yeah, she decided a coupla days ago that she needed to join this party.
I'm so glad I decided to go in there.

It's all good :)

Last night, I went to see a coworker's brand new baby girl. And I was fine! :) Today, nephew C and I are just hanging out, waiting in his baby sister to make her appearance. We're at the best indoor playground fastfood place, and I'm sitting here talking with another Mama, like I actually belong here in the middle of the week... I told her I'm tha aunt, and yet I still feel like an imposter ;) Bottom line is, we're all good, we're all happy, and nobody is near a nervous breakdown just yet. Now if baby sister will quit being stubborn and just get here, already!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

What's *really* going on?

I started to post about how I miss my babies. I've wondered why I have this unexplainable urge to cry at random times today. Why am I so stinkin' tired, and why can't I get motivated to get off the couch and DO something?!? And wow at the anger monster rearing its ugly head over the smallest thing! (No, I'm not - that whole lack of sp*erm thing, remember?)
Duh. Couldn't have anything to do with Tuesday night and Wednesday plans, could it? Meet Niece #2. Seventh person to call me Aunt NotTheMama and really "belong" to me. Well, eighth, really, but one never made it to Earth. :(
Tuesday night, nephew C will spend the night. I was able to arrange an early morning dental cleaning to avoid taking a vacation day, then we will be playing it by ear. We will either be heading to the hospital, or a restaurant-with-a-playground, depending on when Little Sister will be joining us on the Outside.
I'm so excited to finally meet my newest niece! And see C's face when he gets to hold her for the very first time! And spend our last "unshared" time together!
But... And I'm really weary of all the "but's" I have to insert... Hospital time has been difficult for a few years, but this is the first hospital time since we started the adoption process, and since we "officially" found out there would be no 9-months-and-hospital-time for us, and even though she's only younger by 13 months, my baby sister is having her second and I'm still waiting on my first. And I have to hold it together until I hand off the nephew to someone else.
What a major whine-fest!!! But it's where I am. This, too, shall pass. In 6 more days. :)

Sunday, January 9, 2011

It really did snow!

I know, our friends up north are laughing right now - most of the state has already called off school, work, and all activity for tomorrow. Nurses are spending the night at their hospitals, it's a major winter storm - all 5 inches! ;)
I was imagining the weather forecaster who cried wolf. We've not had this much snow in YEARS! It's crazy! Hubby came home, and there was a little ice/sleet on our deck... Less than an hour later, I look outside and everything is covered! IF it snows at all (and there have been many winters when it didn't) IF we see any snow at all, it usually doesn't stick. IF it sticks, it takes all day to get an inch or less. At Christmas, we got almost enough to cover the ground, but the sidewalks and roads were still visible. Tonight, within an hour, it was ALL covered!!! I just looked outside again, and everything - the road, driveways, ditches, grass, EVERYTHING is just a big, white blanket!
Hubby heard earlier that his office would open at 12, unless that changes with their 8am conference call, and I haven't really heard official word, but assume we will be closed... IF hubby has to go, I will probably ride with him and do some work too. But he's currently in bed running a fever (seems like it could be the flu!) so I can just see me trying to inch down the road to the dr tomorrow... I've never driven in anything like this, but if he needs to go, I'll have to just take it slow and see what happens!
I'm such a little kid - I'm ridiculously excited about a snow day! I've been going from front door, to back door, to garage door every few minutes. Gotta see what it looks like now! I'm too excited to sleep, but too afraid of the dark to go play by myself. Gonna go finish the laundry and dishes in case we lose electricity!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Gearing up for BS, Round 2, and another announcement, and ready for baby

***Gotta go get some pink plates, pink cups, and pink napkins and forks today for sister's surprise BS. All pink, because she's having a girl, and has sworn that she hates pink and will not make her little girl wear pink. Our family is just smartaleck enough to go overboard with the pink, just 'cause! Just ready to get it over with really. Mostly family, but I'm sure some others will be there and ask questions. This is one I can just stay busy at, though, and hide if I need to. Staying busy is good.
***Hubby kindly told me that someone from church is expecting her third little one. Pradar had kinda already kicked in, along with common sense - she wants 4 children, her youngest is the age her first was when she had the youngest. It really makes it easier to be told like that, instead of those large group announcements, or a million other ways.
***as much as I dread watching other women experience pregnancy, I don't hesitate to just eat up those little babies once they get here!!! Sure, the hospital is difficult, but I manage. Sorry that I perpetuate that baby-starved wingnut myth, but I spoil babies rotten, don't put them down or share unless asked/begged, and just drink in their lotiony sweetness. Kiss those little cheeks, rock them back to sleep, count those little fingers and toes... I always have to unwrap them and take off their little socks, so I can see their full length and those precious little toes! I'm not a feet-person; I refuse to touch the feet of anyone over about age 5, and 5 is pushing it, but I will kiss little baby feet. I will kiss little toddler feet too, but only when they are fresh out of the bathtub, and only if I have bathed the child myself and know they are clean and I have carried them to the changing table or couch or bed. So really after about age 3, I am done with your feet!
I just can't wait to snuggle up my baby niece! It's been 2 years since we had a new baby in the family! That little girl is already spoiled rotten. ;)

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Aaaaannnnnndddddd... I'm done with being mad, for now :)

Turns out the trip to buy the gift was the suckiest (pretty sure that's not a word?) part. Nobody asked any dumb questions, I didn't need to escape to the bathroom, and not the first tear was shed. Rewarded myself with some yummy Mexican food after. I'm not angry anymore, but someone forgot to transfer that little bit of info to my tummy. :(

i'm just gonna be mad, okay?

I've got 30 minutes to pull it together, make it look like I've not cried, pack these dumb diapers and stupid wipes into the useless giftbag, and drive the 15 minutes to this dang baby shower. And repeat on Sunday. With a smile.
But right now, I'm just mad. I'm mad I looked like I was on a death march, just trying to walk through the dumb store. I'm mad that I just spent another 20 bucks to get somebody else more diapers, and I've yet to need any for my own children. I'm mad that I can't just enjoy the freakin shower. I'm just mad.
I'm mad that my mom will ask me what's wrong. I'm mad that I really gotta pee now, but I'm holding it in case I need to escape for a few minutes. I'm mad that well-meaning people are gonna ask me STOOPID STOOPID questions, and I'm gonna have to smile and give them a fake, happy answer, instead of "because we can't, you moron!" and a frown.
I'm. Just. Mad!!!!
I'll be even madder if I don't make it through this shower without tears. Have I mentioned that when I'm mad, I cry even more?
I'm just mad, but I'll get over it.

Monday, January 3, 2011

A New Friend from Ukraine?

I wandered across a blog yesterday (or was it Saturday? I was sick in bed both days, they're kinda running together). It is written by a missionary in Ukraine who works for a ministry that aids street children. My little Denis is too old to be aided by her ministry, as they work with children under 16... But hers is a nifty little blog with lots of pictures and tells of current goings on in Kiev. The last I heard of Denis, he was in school, and wanted to train to be a banker. A while back I had a disturbing dream/vision that he was sinking in a river, and I awoke as his arm was being bitten/eaten by a fish. I do hope it was only a dream, but it startled me so there was no going back to sleep - only lots of prayers for my little buddy.
So now through this new blog, assuming D is still doing well and in school, or at least in Kiev, I can see pictures of the places he frequents. I know this may sound corny, but I wonder if he admired that same purple Christmas tree? Did he walk past that monument today, or down that street last night? Is he warm? Is he eating, is he still in school, alive? Is he staying out of trouble? Does he still think of hubby and I?
Every time I get a new link in Kiev, it both breaks my heart and gives me hope. It breaks my heart that I couldn't find such a bright, loving little boy a home, and that he will have to struggle so just to have a chance. It gives me hope that Someone is watching over him, that my prayers are being heard, and maybe, just maybe, this new link can provide a story or picture or phone call. Hey, it has happened before!
It's not easy having part of your heart on the other side of the world! is the blog... I hope she won't mind me sharing!