Monday, March 30, 2009

The cousin is in labor (obviously, birthin' babies mentioned)

We were at hubby's parents' house when their phone jingled around 11pm... Amazing we were there at that hour, strange they got a call at the hour. We had actually just dicsussed that if the cousin hadn't had the baby by Friday, she would be induced. The aunt said coming down tonight wasn't necessary, and they do not expect a baby until morning. (Ha. Ha. Hahahaha. I have enough niece/nephews to know how those things sometimes go!) Hubby and I both have to work tomorrow, and if it was a sister, we would call in, but for a cousin, well... Ya can't miss work for everyone, as bad as that sounds! Hubby has fire class tomorrow night, not sure if he'll miss it to go to the hospital. Part of me wants to bite the bullet and get the first visit outta the way before they come home (I can leave a hospital room with a lot more tact and hubby can stay more easily), or if we will wait because of time and logistics. (The hospital is over an hour away, in a big city I'm notorious for getting lost in)...... I did okay with the phone call and announcement, so we'll see. Cautiously optimistic about a visit, I guess. Honestly, I can't wait to hold a newborn and just drink in that smell and have a tiny little baby in my arms again. They get big so fast!!! It's the times when someone else is holding the babies that get me. The dad trying to figure out how to change a diaper, the grandmother taking care of her daughter and new grandchild, the proud first-time aunt showing off her niece. The questions and comments I know will come, at a time when I'm already doing my best to just hang on until I'm in the car.... Tears and rush hour traffic don't really mix too well!! For now, we'll pray for grace and mercy and do some deep breathing and finding of the happy place in the room. :)

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Branching Out...

Oh yes, I am branching out! Yeah, yeah, 'bout time, I know... Couple of things!
Thing 1... Just shot an email to Mel at about this blog and another, new blog. I've been lurking around and randomly clicking on some different blogs through her blog, and finally made the connection to hopefully get a little more involved. It's like stepping off of the diving board into a swim ring, dude. At the age of 27. Yes, it seems that ridiculous to me, too.

Thing 2... ******drumroll****** Introducing mine and hubby's new blog! ;) http://www.battlesforadoption(dot)blogspot(dot)com You'll find our real names, our first post, and so far, not a lot else. Workin' on it. Maybe some pics, definitely more info, possibly one day I'll learn to do that strike-through thingy I have always wished I could do. Please do click over and let me know what ya think... BUTTTTTTTTTT...... Please also remember that this blog, while public, is NOT read AT ALL by ANYONE I know IRL (to my knowledge)... Feel free to use our real names on the other blog, but please refrain from mentioning this blog over there. Hubby (as it turns out, after we worked on the new blog and had already sent messages to friends/family) isn't exactly ready for the world to know we're adopting, but is willing to do this because he knows I am so past ready. "We're adopting!" is one thing -- our specific diagnosis and all that involves is quite another. Please try to keep the 2 blogs separate. Think of it as 2 different people if ya need to! ;) Thanks for that, too. End disclaimer.

Misc: The regular allergy stuff isn't really helping a lot... Switching to the "D" kind tomorrow... Good-bye sleep for a few days... 'Twas a crazy day in the pharmacy, complete with a fill-in pharmacist on the busiest day of the week, lots of calls from out-patient mental health peeps and a visit to one's house and waking up 15 minutes before I needed to be out the door to start the day... And ending with a 10-year-old girl locking herself in the bathroom at church because she saw a grave of someone she may or may not have been related to, who died when she was just little, and it made her sad that she never knew him and she wondered what he was like and then some of the kids made fun of her for crying.... And it was raining, and we couldn't play outside and all the kids showed up on the same night for once.
All that to say::::: please pardon anything that makes no sense... Leave a comment, and I'll try to clarify when I can think straight again. ;)

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I (and this snot) Need to get out of my head....

My heart loves the extra daylight... My heart loves the beautiful blooming trees, flowers, plants, etc.... My sinuses, on the other hand, kind of have this hate thing going on... I'm thinking I'm gonna have to switch from generic C!aritin, to the "D" kind. I dunno, I've heard Muc!nex is good, too. But even generic is still more expensive than the first brand I mentioned... Given another day or two of all-day-long-nose-blowing, I may be willing to pay just about anything... It's supposed to rain tomorrow through the weekend, maybe some of this pollen will wash away!!!!

I need out of my head for a while. I usually accomplish this by playing with somebody's kids... But all this snot combined with too much thinking and the looming birth of a cousin makes for a not-much-fun-"fun-aunt"-type-person. Ugh. after the Children's home meeting, I've been doing lots of "head conversations" and lots of thinking and praying about it all... I could possibly see myself fostering, but then again, I dunno.... But then again, if it would make the paperchase we'll be doing anyway easier/faster/happen sooner, let's just go for it. But what if I'm wrong and fostering ends up being the hardest thing out of it all? What if the social worker takes one look at our house/yard and runs the other way? What if we DO live outside of their coverage area? The yard... We have some kind of mole (or other critter) problem... Holes all over our back yard, which isn't a huge deal to us NOW, because we don't really go out there a lot. But with kids?... I'm not the type to sit in the house all day, my kids and I WILL be outside, weather permitting. And we have some "junk" left over from the previous owners (scrap metal, blocks, etc) that need to go. Would they tell us NO based on those things?
Asde from the foster care thing, I want to start contacting adoption agencies and find out if I can do all the work myself... Can I get the paperwork rolling myself? Can we contract with any licensed social worker in our state to do a hometsudy for us? If we come to whatever agency we choose to use, on or around our third anniversary, with ALL paperwork COMPLETED, will they accept it? Can we move on to the next step sooner? What can I do to speed this process along?
I have started a new blog. I'll make a separate blog post on here about it in a day or two.... I have several entries in floating around in my head for that one, too... It was created on Sunday, and I'm just now getting word out about it to friends and family. It is primarily for adoption news, but I could see discussing other things as well. I'm kind of worried about how that's gonna go over. Most people know I love orphans, but only a handful know we're definitely planning to adopt, and there is an even smaller number who know we plan to do so ASAP. And I know we're setting ourselves up for nosey and rude questions and comments about our fertility (or lack thereof), and I'm trying to anticipate all of that and come up with gracious, kind, loving answers. Ya know, you don't want to tell little old church ladies to mind their own $#@$%&# business, in exactly those words.
I need to get out of my head!!!!! I'm hoping to be able to get out and go somewhere with hubby this weekend, even though it's supposed to rain... There's got to be something, somewhere we can do... I would love it if we could buy a car this weekend, but I don't see that happening. I just need a break. A vacation would be ideal -- an entire week of no pharmacy/bank crap, no baby-sitting, no schedule, just me and my hubby doing whatever it is we want to do. But what with the pending car purchase, dental work to be completed next month, etc, etc, etc.... Just one day (Saturday!) AWAY.... With no plans, no phones (unless we're calling each other), no kids, no inerruptions, no bank, no pharmacy.... Some time out of my head, just spending time with my hubby.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Jochebed, Moses, and the pharaoh's daughter -- the first open adoption

This post is gonna be a little different from most. Just sayin'.
Do you know the titled story? The Israelites were being oppressed by the Egyptians. The pharaoah ordered all Hebrew baby boys to be killed. Jochebed had a baby boy, and she hid him for 3 months. Wen she could no longer hide him, she put him in a basket and set him in the river. The pharaoh's daughter finds him, and Moses' sister is looking on. She goes to the pharaoh's daughter, and volunteers to go get a wet nurse for the baby. Pharaoh's daughter agrees, and Jochebed is allowed to raise Moses for a few years, before Moses goes back to the pharaoh's daughter.
Jochebed gave up her son, because anything else meant death. Pharaoh's daughter saw an infant in need, and took him in. She didn't have a clue that she would be such a huge part of Bibe history!! The pharaoh's daughter adopted Moses so he would not be killed, and unknowingly allowed Jochebed to nurse Moses, and spend those tender first years of life with her son.
So? I've mostly been closed off and unreceptive to domestic adoption, and especially OPEN domestic adoption. Selfish, selfish, selfish! I wanted MY baby, I didn't want to share MY baby with another woman. But wait a minute -- aren't OUR children actually GOD'S children, anyway? If I was in the same situation, wouldn't I want to know that my baby was loved and cared for and being treated fairly? Can I blame a birthmother for caring enough to give birth to an unwanted or unplanned child, and caring enough about that child to give it to me, and wanting some pictures or letters or contact with "our" baby? Selfish.
It's a catch-22, this while birthmom-thing... I pray for both the mother and father from which cometh my child, to make good decisions, to be healthy and safe, to become Christians if they are not, to be whole and healed and okay. But if they DO make good decisions and stay healthy and straighten out their life and everything is just peachy-keen, then they're not going to "need" me to raise "our" child. God doesn't "need" me, but He has "CHOSEN" me.
I still feel that we will definitely go the international route, but I also have to question my motives for turning down anything domestic. There are children here in America, in the US, who need Mamas and Daddies. There are still those, albeit at a lower rate, who fall through the cracks and end up in a life of crime, abuse, and pain, because they did not get adopted. I feel the need to further investigate domestic adoption. Our pastor told us about a meeting Monday night, where (our state) B*aptist Children*s H0me was holding a meeting for prospective foster parents. Hubby and I went to that meeting, but walked away without a definitive answer. Is foster care right for us? We're still not sure. We went in to the meeting just wanting more info, not necessarily leaning one way or the other... Okay, we were actually leaning away from FC, but now we're kind of in limbo. Would it hurt? For sure. Should we put our hearts out there? Possibly. Maybe not. We don't know.
I've come to a point that I'm the most at peace about our infertility that I've ever been. I don't really want to upset that peace right now, especially in the next couple of weeks as we await the birth of a new cousin. Could I foster? My initial answer is I want to protect my heart, but what about the foster children who need a Mama and Daddy to love them, to show them Christ's love at least for a season? I have "given up" children before. I hugged a Ukrainian boy good-bye, knowing I would probably never see him again, knowing part of my heart would go back to Ukraine. I had asked everyone I knew about adopting him, but nobody could or would. I had to let go of foster kids at a summer camp for several years. I let my niece and my nephews go back home, go to Mama when they fall. I smile as the church kids leave my class when their Mamas pick them up. I recognize the emptiness in my home, when all the children leave, it is quiet, and there are no more giggles or squeals or cries. Could I do it if the kids actually lived with me?

Saturday, March 14, 2009


----> AF did come Friday afternoon. I'm okay. Not happy, for sure, but not burying myself in bed all weekend, either. Working towards a sinus infection or some kind of crud, and the ole leg isn't looking very good. Poison-something-or-other, from raking and dumping leaves. I know I got in some briars, so who knows. But the perks of working in a pharmacy means no dr's office co-pay, and free predn!sone dose pack that costs a dollar and some change. Which should help the sinus crud, and the cramps too. Had to use the trusty M!dol this morning though. Trying to hold off on any otc sinus meds until I finish the dose pack.... Then Wednesday, I get to go back to the dentist for a crown and 2 fillings, all "old" dental work that needs some tlc. Fun times.
----> New friends!! A couple with no children who goes to church with us and is on the fire dept with hubby. Our age. They don't want kids for several more years. We called them spur-of-the-moment and asked them if they wanted to go eat in a town 45 minutes away... They did, so we met them, then went for ice cream. Do you know how nice it was to sit through an entire meal without wiping the first face, or talking about midnight feedings, potty training, or school choices? Very refreshing... Guarantee they'll be pregnant within a year, because you know, that's what happens to child-free couples who start hanging out with us!
----> Car shopping... Loved the look of one car, made hubby do the test-driving in the rain... Too rough of a ride, not enough room in the back seat, a bit more pricey than we were hoping to go with... Ghetto salesman.... Sigh. Once again, we've reached an all-new level of "old"... Dude was telling us all the perks (s!r!us radio free for a year, hands-free phone connection, all doors unlock when the driver opens theirs.... Hubby and I both turn around at the exact same time and simultaneously say, "Does it have child lock?" Yes. We ARE old. And perfectly okay with being so. After enjoying dinner and ice cream with friends, we were home before 11 and both ready for bed. Would've been home sooner, but there was a wreck on the interstate. I digress -- back to the car front. We also drove a car, that has lots more room in the back seat, easy latch system for car seats, sits up high than my car, easier to get in, at least the same gas mileage if not better... I told hubby I would be content to just go back and buy that one. He wants to look around some more. I don't **have** to have that specific car (in fact I could do without the sun roof and all that jazz, for a cheaper price), but we def could shop around for that make and model. I'm just ready to be done and driving something that's not on its last leg.
----> Just to drive home the fact that we're really old... We now have 2 (TWO) bird feeders on the front porch, and as we were coming in tonight, we were discussing when we should fill the hummingbird feeder as well. Content to be old, people, we are perfectly content. Shaking my head... What will our children think? Will we start acting younger when we get them? Or will they be the young kids in class with the anciently old parents?
----> Possibility of going to a meeting Monday night for potential foster parents. Yes, the road I swore I wouldn't take. With the (our state) B@ptist Children*s H0me, just to see what it's all about. I've been completely against open adoption or even domestic adoption at all really, but the more I read, the more I have to at least question it. Perhaps this topic should have its on post, though, so remind me to get back to it.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Camp (Thanks, Mel @ Stirrup-Queens)

Oh, the stories I could tell... In the beginning, my elem school took 5 and 6 graders to a place called Camp C0sby for a few days... I went and fell in love. I dare say I was the camp favorite especially in 6th grade, when I was invited back for a (free) week of summer camp, because of a letter I had written to one of the counselors. Maybe that's when I fell in love. I was determined that when I was old enough, I would work there. My parents were saying no way, and I was one determined girl.
My sister had went to a church camp, actually not too far from the first camp, called Sh0cc0 Spr!ngs. When I was in high school, she suggested that I should just apply there, and just see what our parents said. So, during my freshman year of college, I applied. My parents took me to my interview (there was a meeting for parents, as well), and during the entire hour and 15 minute drive, my dad was saying there was NO WAY he was letting HIS LITTLE GIRL, move off with complete strangers for the entire summer, "that far from home," to do ANYTHING.... NO WAY... After the meeting was over and I was waiting for my interview time, he was asking how quickly I could pack my bags.
I worked there for 5 summers, until a really crappy full time job required that I say good-bye to the whole summer job thing. I was crushed, but I was also in a serious relationship, and part of me was ready to "grow up" and take that to the next level. Imagine my months in hell when I brought that relationship to an end (although now, we're married... awwww how sweet), and I was stuck in a job I hated, away from my second home for 5 years. It was more than a summer job -- Fall and Spring semesters were what you worked through to make it to move-in day at Shocco. My only regret was that I didn't start working there sooner. I think every teenager should have to spend at least one summer in camp-mode.
What did I do? Well, the first summer, you just basicaly got "stuck" somewhere. I usually worked the 5AM(!!!!) kitchen shift. Which also meant I was off by 2, and hanging out at the pool by 2:30. The next 2 summers, I packed up food in warmers, loaded them into a van, drove to another kitchen on the other side of campus, and set up and served a meal there. And of course cleaned up afterwards. Clean-up involved a lot of goofing off, playing cards, flirting with (or trying to avoid, as the case sometimes was) the staff from that boys' camp, taking a nap, um.. I mean we did a lot of sweeping, mopping, and general cleaning. Until the next meal. Really. The last 2 summers, I worked in recreation. I spent my days outside on the low and high ropes course, paintball field, playing games and leading youth groups through the ropes course. And I got paid pretty well to PLAY, dude!!!
My favorite part was called Camp Happy Days. This was something rec staff spent months planning for an event that lasted less than a week. This man set up a trust fund or something for kids in DHR (foster care, group homes, just crappy parents, etc) with the stipulation that the camp must be held at Shocco every summer. That was the only camp that Shocco actually planned everything for and fully staffed, and Rec was in charge of the whole thing. It was the most wonderful, emotional, exhausting, frustrating few days of the entire year. Sure, the kids were sometimes horrible and never followed the rules and were outrageous, but they had every reason to be. This was the only thing some of them looked forward to all year. Let me introduce you to a few of my friends...
**Pizza.... Yes, we even called him this to his face. One year, on the last night of camp, his cabin was going around, telling about the decisions they had made a t camp, and this kid busted out with "I made a decision.... I decided that I LIke PIZZA!!!" He was so serious. Another favorite... He got to come back even though he was too old, and he "helped" a little. Sitting around with a bunch of counselors on a short break, someone asked him what he liked on tv. Now understand, this was an extremely white, extremely redneck little guy. His favorite channel? BET.
** "A" had Down syndrome. And lots of boyfriends. Like the camp director, who ws my boss. And Pizza. And pretty much every male she saw. And sometimes, if you made her mad, you know, when you didn't sit with her or pick her for your team, she would break it off. Nope, Pizza and A were no longer getting married.
** "C" had some boyfriends of a different type. Movie Night. Elementary school kids with more ah, "experience," than I now have as I near the second year of my marriage. No lights. Oh yes. Let's just say C was my friend during movie night. 60-70 or more kids in one big room with no lights. Girls on one side, big huge empty space, boys on the other. As you are probably already imagining, that big huge empty space got a little more narrow as the movie played on. C annoyed every last person besides me. I like her, I saw a lot of potential beyond her manipulative, impulsive, annoying, survival-mode self.
Sleep was a rare commodity all summer (unless you were in the kitchen by 5AM), but especially so during the CHD week. You were running on pure adrenaline and caffeine. You were glad to get the sleep when the kids left, but sad to see them go back into the abuse and crappy life they dealt with.
Oh, the stories... And inside jokes... It was a (not so) huge secret that after the full-time staff went home, we sometimes turned on a hose pipe outside (our staff house sat on a big hill), got some baby shampoo, and slid down the hill until just before it turned to mud. I'm sure nobody thought a thing the next morning when, in the middle of a drought, there was suddenly some good-smelling water running down the parking lot, interestingly enough, only at the summer staff house. Golf carts disappeared. Girls snuck boys to the girl's side. Ghost hunts. Sneaking off to the water tower and climbing to the top. "Jello" and "whip-n-chill" "Goin to Uncle RA"
Since it's less of a "camp" and more of a conference center, I still occasionally get to go back to Shocco. It still feels like home, as I round that last curve, see the lake come into view.... I still smile and sigh, because I know I'm home.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Sometimes Insanity occurs one p*anty-check at a time...

Ugh... Don't laugh, you know you've done it. How many pointless trips to the bathroom did I make today? I normally pee when I get up, perhaps once at work, when I get home, and before I go to bed. Sometimes between coming home and going to bed, if I've had a lot to drink. I've been at least 7 or 8 times today, just to see if AF had arrived.
When she's 6 days early, I get crabby and weepy because why-the-crap-does-she-have-to-be-all-rude-and-show-up-so-darn-early-taking-any-hope-right-out-the-window. When she's more relatively on time (it's usually 6 days early, or 2 days early), I get all crabby ans weepy because I-know-she's-on-her-way-and-I-just-wish-she'd-hurry-up-and-get-HERE-ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!
Here we are, nearing the end of 4-days-early. PMS migraine-- check. Killer back ache-- double check. Pre-PMS pasta craving-- check, even though I haven't made my homemade lasagna I wanted last week because that would mean I would have to have company to share it, and my house isn't quite there yet. Irritability-- that's a big check, especially today. The only thing missing is the thing I wish wouldn't show up at all. Lovin' the dark chocolate and Dr P*epper, tryin' not to work myself into a frenzy.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

My body is falling apart!!

Slowly, piece-by-piece, my body is revolting against me. Seriously, I'm too young for this, right?
My vision has changed recently... I finally made that dentist appt I've been avoiding, and dread what they're gonna tell me beyond "You need your wisdom teeth out!" ... Thank you, AF, in advance for the migraine you flung my way today, see ya in a day or two... Apparently I'm allergic to carrots of all things... And somehow I got into some poison oak/sumac/ivy or something yesterday. I know some briars wrapped around my leg, but that's all I remember... And there was pollen on the cars yesterday and today, hello allergies. And I'm rather sore from all the yard work I've been doing in the afternoons, trying to beat the rain. I'm a walking ad for Benadryl, Caladryl, and Excedrin Migraine these days. But of course, the generic equivalents to all of the above, like a good little pharm tech.
If I keep going at this rate, I won't need an excuse to skip the birth of cousin's daughter, because who wants a sneezing, itching, potentially sick person around their newborn?

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Confession Time

Okay, I have a confession... It seems kinda silly, as confessions go... But it's a big deal to me.

Are you ready?



I have no idea when AF is due!!!!!

See? I told you it was kind of silly. But I have kept a stinkin' calendar from before we set our wedding date to last month. Did I mark CD1 on my calendar? I don't really remember... Part of the reason is, I'm not really sure exactly where I put said calendar... But it is so (ridiculously, I admit) exciting to just not know. I'm not counting, I'm not waiting, I'm not stressing out and wondering if today will be the day, I'm not calculating days to find out what I'll be doing so I can know what to expect. I feel so liberated. And ridiculous. Whew, livin' on the edge, I tell ya!

Monday, March 2, 2009

It's amazing how much calmer you feel when your house is even just a bit cleaner than "normal"... The only laundry not washed is hubby's fire clothes, which I'm waiting for the weekend when he's done with 3 more days' worth to complete a load. The kitchen is completely clean, even the table is cleaned off. Well, it could still use some more work (I really need somewhere out of sight to put cereal and stuff), but it's better than usual (ie, you can see the table)...
It's amazing how much calmer you feel when you actually find and read several blogs dealing with adoption-related issues. Preparation has begun, and I'm trying to pick up my reading on things like attatchment and grieving and whatever else I can find online. I want to start buying some books, but so far, I've just been reading about different peoples' experiences with differetn issues with kids of different ages from different countries. Geesh, that's a lot of "different," huh? But every child is different, too, no?
It's amazing how even though it kills my back (that was already hurting before) to wash dishes, it's also calming, in that I tend to zone out and have imaginary conversations in my head with real people, saying things I would never be able to say out loud. (Does that make me as crazy as it sounds? Wait... All the really crazy people think they're completely "normal," and I certainly know better than that!) For instance, I know that the first Sunday in May, our Sunday School lesson talks about how badly Hannah wanted a baby. Now, I'm usually pretty quiet in SS, and honestly probably will remain so for this lesson... But in my head, I can tell the class what it's really like... The men in the church thought Hannah was drunk, when she was praying so hard. In my head, I told them about how the church, which should be a comforting place, is usually one of the harder places for a barren woman. How the church is really good at "family," but doesn't always know what to do with those non-2.5-kids-and-white-picket-fence people -- namely, childfree/less couples and single adults and to a degree the college group. In reality, the moment I opened my mouth about how I had so much empathy for Hannah and knew exactly how she felt, I wouldn't be able to say that, because I'd be crying. I've **got** to get a better handle on my emotions, so that I *can* start sharing. Perhaps by May, I will have had enough "head" conversations to be able to do it.
Made it through that party yesterday, with no problems. Was distracted from barren stuff at work today because it's busy time again. Rode around my neighborhood trying to dodge my sister because I had too much to do to keep her kid tonight, and wondered (as I was freezing, b/c the heat in my car doesn't always work right) why I couldn't just say NO.
All in all, I'm much calmer... And I'm gonna ride this calm wave as long as it lasts.