Thursday, June 30, 2011

July is Tomorrow!

I can't really say the First of July has ever made me want to celebrate! Sure, there was the year I spent the week of the 4th at summer camp - that was awesome!
But THIS July? It marks the beginning of the end! Which will bring about a new beginning!
It's going to be hard to *not* watch the phone, to *not* beg hubby to call the worker who is supposed to come for our last visit. I want to get this last visit scheduled and DONE.
And holy crap, we need to clean house!!!!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

She's having her fifth.

Child, that is. My best friend from high school. The one who doesn't even have custody of her oldest child. The one who will have 4 children ages 4 and under. The one who throws the older ones off on her mom every chance she gets. The one who does good to just take care of herself. I spent snack time at vbs feeding a 2-year-old, holding/feeding a 5-month-old, and trying to eat my spaghetti, surrounded by women talking about pregnancy and babies and planning for the next baby like I plan for my next day off. Honestly, I made it fine feeding the three of us, and I was glad for the distraction it created so I didn't feel like I had to participate in the conversation.
And this, my friends, is what happens when I start thinking I'm in a better place.* And when I try to cut down on soft drinks and snacks, because I stepped on the scale and it said, "You are disgustingly fat, please get off!"

*Which, I suppose I AM in a somewhat better place. I didn't have to bite my lip and run away from the lady who told me about my friend. And while I thought I might cry on the way home, I'm more just disappointed.


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Another Adoption Box Checked Off, AND it's VBS Week!

Another box checked off! Yesterday, hubby and dhrlady finally connected. She could interview him yesterday during lunch and me today at 4.
At FOUR. VBS starts AT SIX. THIRTY MINUTE drive to our church. Hubby's interview lasted TWO HOURS. I had to buy some supplies. You do the math!
It's another box checked off. Just a simple hour of sweat rolling down my back as I answered questions such as, "what is your first memory!" Whattha... How do you remember what exactly is your first memory?!? Seriously, it wasn't that bad - just honestly answering questions about family dynamics and such. Kind of like the ol' annual exam, not something you would choose for funsies, but you get through and you're done!
So as I was driving, my mind did it again. "By the next" is a dangerous game that guarantees "next fill-in-the-blank" will not be fun. Before I was outta the parking lot, it was "by the time vbs rolls around next year, I will be busy with my child, NOT teaching a class!" I made myself stop. I turned on the vbs cd, and got distracted by bi-bi-bi-big apple adventure music, and loving Jesus more than ice cream, and a rap song about the ABC's.
It seems like we might not be waiting an incredible amount of time. Nobody has said as much, but the you-are-getting-a-kid-soon-vibe was sooooo strong. But if we have to wait, then we have to wait, and that will be okay too.
The only other things left are our last home visit, gathering a couple of proofs of insurance, and waiting. She will come out in July for our last homevisit, then turn everything in to the state! So of course my mind goes to, "this could SO happen by the end of the ye-NOOOOOO!!!!" "Ye-ye-ye-ye-yes to v-v-v-v-b-s!!!!!"
Because right now, distracting myself from "by the next" with teaching other peoples' children about God is exactly what I need....

Monday, June 6, 2011

Stretched Thin

I'm feeling stretched rather thin these days! I know it's a decent misperception, but I'm kinda feeling like I'm the only person doing anything, anywhere.
I know that's not possible, because I obviously don't work or live or attend church all by myself. At work, we're barely getting things out the door on time, and as time-crunched as we are, there are bound to be more errors. That *I* get phone calls about and have to fix. And I swear nobody can look anything up for themselves, I have to stop what I am doing and answer questions they could easily answer just by looking in the computer. Am I also the only person who can pick up the stinkin' phone when it rings?
At home... I realize I work fewer hours than hubby... But I still work over 40 hours a week... But guess who is in bed right now, and guess who is waiting up on laundry? It would even make a difference if he was doing more *outside* work, but do his parents really need to mow the grass?!? I mean I'm glad they offer and are able to, but c'mon... I'm trying to clean UP and OUT, room by room, and keep things in order. I'm not the only one who contributes to the mess, but it seems like I'm the only one contributing to the WORK.
Church is busy... VBS is next week, I was asked to teach a class this time, and I usually am just a helper. I'm about to start teaching on Sunday mornings again. The Bible study I was getting to participate in on Sunday nights has kind of fallen apart, but I realllllllly honestly don't want to start teaching again. I was also asked to help with the Wed night children's summer program after VBS. I like teaching, I like kids, and I love teaching kids... But wow, could someone else step in and HELP?!?
Nieces and nephews have become very needy again. I love those kids, and if it's been more than a few days, I'm running to their house to see them... But it seems like they all need me at the same time.
So it's easy to see why I'm just ready to pull my hair out, or run away, or something. A deserted island where nobody needs me for anything, and people serve ME for once... A girl can dream, right?
So sorry... I don't mean to gripe, and I don't really hate life as much as it seems. I just need to be needed a little less. :( It's hard to keep filling others' cups when you're all poured out youself!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Got another blog for you!

I have another one to share with you! How did I find this blog? I do believe I came across it while searching for yard-rolling stories. Why was I g.oogling such a subject? I teach children at church. They like to roll yards. They like to roll my yard. They LOVE it when I take them to roll someone's yard. 'Cause I'm cool like that, to take my church girls to do something slightly illegal. (We almost always have permission) I say almost because if you roll my yard, I assume you are BEGGING for me to come roll yours - better!
This blog is written by a writer/teacher. She writes a lot about, well, writing, and life, and tells some hilarious stories! So go on over to and read and come back.
I love it when she talks about "just" writing a book. Does that not sound like familiar advice? "Just" adopt. "Just" get pregnant. "Just" adopt, THEN you WILL get pregnant! "Just" relax. My reaction to "just" depends on my mood. My first reaction is an eye-roll and a "sure, whatever!" Sometimes, I want to educate (roughly 8 percent adopt-then-conceive, and it really depends a lot on the diagnosis); sometimes the best response is no response; and sometimes, I just smile and remember what that blind ambition and cheery optimism feels like. Refreshing to hear that someone thinks it so simple! Whatever the reason for advice beginning with "just," it's never as simple as it sounds... Any seasoned professional, no matter how positive, no matter the subject, laughs at "just!"
I think my favorite part of this post was next. "Nobody owes you anything." Now I want you to go back and read the paragraphs, starting at "we all want something," and ending with "even when we don't see it that way." Sometimes we feel entitled to something, but we're really not. Sometimes we can make things happen, other times we can only pray.
Isn't that so true? I'm gonna speak for myself for a minute. I know it's easy for me to think some people don't "deserve" a child, and I absolutely do! Not often, but it's still there. That young dad who broke BOTH arms of his 4-month-old child? My best friend from high school who, due to a sickness resulting in a brain injury, can't take care of herself, much less her kids, but keeps having more? The mom who doesn't put her kids first? The parents who ignore their kids all the time? It's easy to think that they should just hand them over... But I'm not entitled to other peoples' children just because it's impossible for me to have "my own" kids.
I also can't "make" adoption happen. I can complete classes, answer all the questions, put those darn plastic covers on all my outlets, double-lock all medicines and cleaning supplies, make it impossible for our friends and family to open our doors leading outside because of those little doorknob things, and jump through every.single.hoop. necessary, but in the end, it's not up to me. In the same way all the trying in the world can't "make" me conceive, all the prepping in the world won't "make" me adopt.
Whew. I'm obviously a lot more wordy than my writer/teacher/blogger friend, but that's what I took away from her latest post. Now be brave, and leave me a comment to let me know what *YOU* are reading! ;)