Monday, December 29, 2008

Back to your regularly scheduled insanity, already in progress...

Whew. It's been a couple of weeks. My new nephew is here, home and doing great, minus a trip to the ER for my sister, and jaundice and weight checks for the little guy. My sister ended up with what she thought was a spinal headache, extremely high blood pressure, and a ride in the ambulance to find out she had the mother of all migraines. The baby boy weighed 9 lbs 1 oz and was 22 3/4 inches long. I've been spending a lot of time overe at their house helping out, getting up with the baby at night, and just playing with the other 2 boys. I spent several nights with them, but as my sister begins to heal, I'll be spending the night at home again. Last night I just came in and crashed. I love that little dude! He sleeps through everything -- 2 screaming little boys, lots of extended family, W!!-playing, quiet middle of the night, you name it, the babe sleeps. He only gets up a couple of times each night to eat, and goes back to bed easily. Rarely spits up. PERFECT little guy.
How is everybody's favorite aunt? Better than expected. No tears through the hospital visits, no tears after leaving their full house and coming home to my empty one. Still glad I didn't put that Christmas tree up (my mom isn't so happy about it), but overall, everything is wonderful. I almost hesitate to say it, but I think I'm finally content with just being the aunt. Ya know, it's certainly not a bad job to have. ;) The only reason I hesitate to say it is because usually once you get used to something, things have a way of changing. I'm holding my breath to see who is gonna make that next announcement that throws me for a loop, or wake up to find out the whole world is putting an end to adoption, or something. "Cautiously optimistic" is what I would call it on a good day, or "Waiting for the other shoe to drop" on a bad one. We shall see, dear, we shall see.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Keep your sick, pukin' kid at HOME!!!!

Since when is it okay to take your puking kid out ANYWHERE???? Okay, so kids get sick sometimes when you're already in town. I get that. Sucks, but you don't always know when they're gonna lose their lunch. No big deal, as long as you take them home ASAP. But when your kid has a virus, PLEASE keep them @ home!!!!
My aunt called today and asked me if I could pick up my 4-year-old cousin and take him to church with me tomorrow night... I said sure... Then she proceeded to tell me they've all had a virus. The little dude is feeling fine today, eating normally again, but she's still "a little sick"... Who's to say he won't get it again? Or that he's not over it?
It's one thing to give ME, an adult living in a house with only another adult, a virus. But this weekend, I am playing Mom. My sister is having Baby Brother on Friday morning. I am keeping her 5-year-old and 2-and-a-half-year-old Friday afternoon-Sunday night, much to hubby's, um, we'll just say delight hahaha. I understand they or any of us could pick up a virus or who-knows-what at preschool or while we're out shopping or whatever, but to knowingly place them (or me) in a room with puke-face, well, that's just unacceptable!! Especially with a mom who will be sawn in half, and a newborn baby brother.
In other news, the weekend was fabulous... We had fun at the reunion thing, even if I WAS the oldest person in the room... There was only a handful of summer staffers there from when I was on staff, but all the full-time staff remembered me, and I did get to catch up with a few people. Still no Christmas tree in my house, still fighting my mom on that one (so far I'm winning, b/c she's too tired to come do it herself!!), still not planning on putting it up... We did put up the outdoor nativity scene, which has received lots of compliments. If I didn't have dial-up, I might think about loading one on this little blog.
Cruising through this week (it's half over already!!), trying to get ready for the weekend. So far the plan is for me to be @ the hospital @ 5am Friday morning with my sister, her m-i-l is bringing the kids when they get up, then we're going to get lunch when they (or mom) need a break from the hospital, go back for a while, go to their house to sleep... Saturday we're going to sleep until they wake up, then go to the hospital for a while, then hubby and I are taking them with us to finish our Christmas shopping. Sunday, I guess they're going to church with us, too, and if everything goes well, Mom will be coming home Sunday afternoon. Then Monday, I'll go to work to rest for 3 days. :)
If you don't see me for a few days, it's quite possible I checked myself in to my former place of employment hahaha.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

The weather matches my mood....

....Kind of... It's pouring out there right now, and we're supposed to have storms and possibly tornadoes during the night.
...I didn't want to admit that I knew what was coming (so little changes it seems), but let's just say there will be no Christmas miracle again this year, or at least not the one I was hoping for.
...And where in the world are we gonna get $30,000 in another year and a half or 2-3 more years? I don't really talk finances a lot, but I make roughly half that in one year. Hubby makes about $12,000 more than the 30,000... We live in a small, but comfortable home, and of course have a mortgage. For the moment, both vehicles are paid for, but my poor little car is on its last leg. It has had a tough life, full of travel and lots of commuting. It is currently leaking (water? coolant?) from (somewhere?) but this man that looked at it said the transmission is okay, but there might be a busted head gasket or leaky tube. We are looking at buying something else for me to drive, something reliable yet cost-efficient (ie, good but cheap), that will hopefully stay with us for the long haul. Gotta be a 4-door, prefer something small enough to do 3-point-turns in town, but big enough to be safe, with my history of not-my-fault-left-hand-turn-collisions. Short story long, while we're getting by just fine, there's not really a lot left over to save. So that's got me a little bummed tonight.
...And this weekend is the "busy weekend," where we are running crazy. I'm not at all prepared, and tonight I watched a movie and did NOTHING... Not exactly what I should have been doing, but I cut myself a break. And after this weekend, I have a four-day work week, because MY NEPHEW WILL BE BORN IN 10 DAYS!!!!!!!!! So, there's preparing myself for that. I'm using the distraction tactic -- go to hospital, see/hold/hog baby, then take 2 other nephews away from the hospital. I'm Mama for the weekend, spending the night at their house or mine.
...And there was a baby found in a paper bag not too far from our town. Alive, but ugh...

...Overall, just "blah".... I watched a sad, sappy movie tonight just to top it off. But it's not all doom and gloom, I promise. I actually thought about dragging out the Christmas stuff tonight. I'm definitely putting up the outdoor manger scene. Hubby got out the snow-couple. We'll just take it one thing at a time, K? I really am excited to see and hold and touch and take care of my newest nephew, and he's gonna be just as spoiled as the rest of 'em. And if I'm not gonna be preggers for Christmas, well, at least I'm getting AF out of the way before Christmas and New Year's!!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Survive Thanksgiving... Check.

da-da-dum dum dum another one bites the dust! I survived the long weekend without any nosey questions or trips to the bathroom b/c of leaky eyes. I think we did manage to escape from hubby's aunt and uncle's house right before his cousin popped in a video of her ultrasound. Got lots of shopping done for others and ourselves, and hopefully will finish it all next weekend.
Tonight was the community Christmas Sing. Have you ever noticed exactly how mane Christmas songs are about babies and birth and such? I received several comments from people in our church missing seeing me in the choir. I've been thinking about going back, but I didn't really think this was the night to do it. Maybe after Christmas. As expected, my mom is SO not having this anti-tree thing I've got going on. Maybe I can decorate outside and she'll be happy? Last Spring, we bought this huge-mongous outdoor nativity scene for $25 at a yard sale. I saw similar ones at Christmas Village for hundreds of dollars. We can put that up in the yard, along with the reindeer, and Mr & Mrs SnowPeople. I still don't know about a tree though... I can see me in another week or two, melting in tears as AF arrives. Not. Pretty.
Again, my older sister and I talked as we were shopping, and she said she knows this is hard on me, seeing everyone else having babies and getting pregnant. Yeah, that and an entire month of celebration that reminds me I am a barren woman. And I'm hoping that people aren't getting the wrong idea. It's not that I hate singing (quite the opposite, actually), but it probably appeared that way tonight as I distanced myself and kept my thoughts away from how Mary and Joseph felt at the manger. It wasn't boredom, it was survival. And I don't mean to seem like I don't care about hubby's cousin's pregnancy, but since they don't know that it kills me to sit through showers and pregnancy-talk, it probably appears that way. I don't mean to seem like a scrooge, but sometimes I need a break from manger scenes and ever-expanding bellies on everyone but me. (Well, mine is expanding, but not for the reason I hope... Lay off the turkey, already!)
Bright spot... A little girl and boy hubby and I took around Wally World a while back, are in the process of being adopted from Ukraine. She was more focused on being her little bro's "mama" than on being a kid herself. He was amazed at such a huge store and so many toys. I can't wait for her to be able to be a kid!!!! Go visit them at
We are now less than 3 weeks away from the birth of my next nephew. I can't wait to hold that little dude and love on him. I looked through a book of baby photos last night while we were shopping. Ironically, babies bring me a lot of peace. CAn't always deal with pregnancy stuff, but put a baby in my arms, and I'm in heaven!! I love to rock and sway and snuggle them to sleep. I'm good at swaddling and diaper changing and bottle feeding, and there is no better smell than throwing one of my t shirts in the washer with baby clothes. Little B doesn't have a choice -- as my newest and tiniest nephew, he will be swaddled and lotioned and fed and changed and snuggled just like the rest of 'em!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Cooking, and new furniture, and MRSA, oh my!

My Thanksgiving cookin is under way!! Tonight I (mostly) made some pasta salad... Am adding in sliced cherry tomatoes and black olives in the morning. The oatmeal fudge is done and on a platter, although it didn't really get as hard as I like it, and took longer to get hard, so I had to just dump it out and slice it, and used too much van. flavoring.. But oh well, it tastes good! ;) Pigs in a blanket are in a zip lock bag until I decide what to put them in. I still need some decent sized platters for holiday cooking!! Tomorrow morning, I'm making mixed veggie casserole and chicken casserole, and perhaps some brownies. I'm thinking I'm taking after my mom on the holiday cooking, and she took after her mom, who I'm sure, well, you get the point. In addition to the obligatory side-and-dessert-and-maybe-meat, I never think I've made enough stuff, and there will probably be something else I add at the last minute tomorrow. Whew. AND all of my dishes so far are washed, dried, and mostly put away.
NEW FURNITURE!!!! Our couch (more like loveseat) and chair-and-a-half arrived around lunch-ish. It's browner than I remembered, firmer than hubby remembered, but it's all good. We've got some re-arranging to do, but it is soooooo nice to NOT have a couch from the '80's anymore!!! My fears of having an old couch on the front porch, on Thanksgiving weekend no less, never came to fruition, because hubby's b-i-l took it to his school. So we're all set, and we can have a major sleep-over, because both new pieces let out into beds! ;) Nephews all have somewhere to sleep, if I'm brave enough to have them all at once!! hahaha
MRSA.... The dreaded drug-resistant staff. One of my adult cousins has had it recently, who got it from her 17-year-old daughter, who got it at dance. Lots of soap and hand sanitizer, and did I mention I have a gnarly burn on my arm that will absolutely be covered? Older sister's doctor said no touching/hugging/kissing/etc anyone who might be infected, you know, with a baby due in 4 weeks and all. And a 5-year-old and 2-year-old. Ugh.
I'm thankful for..... Family togetherness, living in America, being raised in a Christian home, having my own Christian home in which to raise my own family, a wonderful hubby, great in-laws, chocolate, Dr Pepper, and way too much more to name. Even IF.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Getting a handle on things

Okay, I'm at a much better place now... Not exactly throw-up-a-Christmas-tree-better, but at least not let's-just-crawl-under-a-rock-until-January-bad. I can handle a few hours with the pregnant-cousin-in-law, I can handle their questions, and actually may just let hubby field them when he's around. I know I really should just take it one holiday at a time, but looking ahead, it looks like my next nephew's birth and Christmas and all surrounding events are in the clear from AF. Well, the one weekend is kind of questionable, but do-able. Here's what the 2nd weekend in December looks like:
Fri evening -- drive 1 hour to old camp/conference center I worked at in college. Spend evening hopefully getting back in touch with other summer staffers I worked with, and just relax and hang out. Be prepared for the questions, but hey, I rarely (if ever) actually SEE these people, which is usually when hubby is more open about stuff. SPEND THE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!! ;) Whew. Relax.
Sat morning -- finish up celebration thing, finish relaxing for a ccouple of weeks. Make mad dash home to cook for my dad's side of the family Christmas dinner.
Sat evening -- eat, open gifts, play with kids, eat, play with kids, eat, play with kids... It's gonna be a mad house... We're having it at my younger sister's house this year, the house she has yet to move into. Yeah, that's cutting it a little close! ;)
Sun -- church, etc... That evening is the church Christmas dinner, but also niece's last night of ballet-dance-thingy at a local church. Looks like we're skipping the church thing and going to the ballet thing.
Sun night -- after ballet thing -- crash, prepare for work Mon morning.
And hubby wonders why I want him to take off the day after Christmas so we can run away for the weekend!
HAhaha, for a while I wondered if it would be okay to fake an illness to get out of Thanksgiving plans... And now it appears no faking will be involved. I've got the beginning of some kind of cold/allergy/sinus funk, not sure which yet. MAybe by Thursday, I won't be sneezing and coughing in the dressing!!! ;)

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

To decorate, or not?

.. That is THE question around here these days. Half of my heart says no freakin' way, man! It's gonna be hard enough to go to all of the family get-togethers and play with everyone's kids and put up with their parents' questions and comments about us having kids of our own, and then coming back home to an empty house, with no diapers and screaming babies and cookies for Santa. Yes, I would take ALL of those. I have changed a first-poopy-diaper with my aunt-who-never-had-kids, and I would take a million of those rather than come home to a Christmas tree with no kids' presents underneath. If I'm struggling this much just thinking about decorating, what is it gonna be like when it gets here? And we're only gonna be home long enough to sleep, or come home, cook for the next place, and run out again. We won't really be here to enjoy it anyway. Then there's the whole taking it all down thing.
The other half of my heart says I HAVE to decorate. I've NEVER NOT had a tree!! Even when we had to make our own ornaments in tough times growing up, WE STILL HAD A TREE!!! And if I don't put one up, and my mom finds out, there is NO doubt in my mind, she will march over here and DO IT HERSELF!! And make me help... It'll be like those teenage years all over again, except this time, I'm not to COOL to help, I'm too SAD to help.
My brain says wait and see... I mean, we're getting furniture sometime between now and 2-3 weeks from now, so we don't really need to do it until then. December is already filled up, with more events to be added, so there's my excuse -- we don't have TIME to put one up. Will it work with my mom? Doubt it, but I would nearly try.
SO.... Any advice? Should I suck it up and decorate anyway? Or should I just leave things as they are? Also, any tips,advice on dealing with small children and large bellies at EVERY Christmas function would be greatly appreciated. ;)

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Of course not, but it's okay

My lower back started hurting @ work yesterday, so I knew what was coming. And strangely enough, I was okay. I could use some chocolate, but I'm okay. Hoping I'll feel the same tomorrow at my little cousin's baby dedication. She'll be 1 next month, and weighs a whopping 12 or 13 lbs. Tiniest little thing!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

And the waiting continues....

Have I mentioned I really don't enjoy this time of the month? 5 days to go... 4 if you don't count today, which is mostly over... It could be any day, but (even though I don't dare say it out loud, and hesitate to type it) I hope against hope that each day with no AF means one more day into pregnancy. It could happen, right?
I've been praying... Now this sounds silly, but I finally admitted to God that I do, indeed, want to become pregnant. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but up to this point I've been all "I only want it if YOU want it, God!" While I wish my heart was there, the truth is it's just not. Now, honestly, if it never happens, then I'll be okay with that. Argh, I sound so contradicting!! Is it okay to want something AND know you'll be okay if it never happens? Do I REALLY mean I would give ANYTHING to be pregnant, if I would give up so easily? Does it make me a terrible, horrible, unworthy mother-to-be-somehow, if I say "I want it, but I know I'll move on if I don't get it"???????????? I've heard it gets easier as time goes on, but right now, I'm finding the opposite is true. Each cycle is one less chance... Would this one have had my hair or eyes? Would this one have shared my nephews' sense of humor, or my niece's love of princesses AND rough-housing? Something's gotta give, dude! Now I'm giving my eggs their own personalities.... Hahaha, and I said I wouldn't become that crazy infertile....

Sunday, November 9, 2008


...And not just because it's probably already hovering near the freezing mark outside. And we keep our heat at or below 66 degrees inside. It's that time... When I know that, in the next 7 days, I will begin to hope for what I KNOW is not happening. I already see some of the signs. It's usually this time of the month I do become frozen... I saw it in Sunday School, when I couldn't concentrate and didn't make any comments on the lesson... I saw it in preaching, where I will admit, I was looking towards the end of the sermon outline, wondering when I could go home, quit sucking my stomach in to make it as flat as possible so as to avoid any questions, and change into my sweats. I saw it in our Bible study this evening, when I again didn't really contribute a lot to the discussion, other than read some verses. I saw it when I was able to remain composed around a certain baby and mother in the church. I just become a zombie and wait out the days, then it all starts again.
Better stuff.....
**Went out to eat with my friend K and her hubby A last night. They are doing foster parent classes right now, and have been able to keep a set of 3-year-old twins in their home for several weekends, that they will likely be adopting after January, when parental rights should be terminated. Good for the heart. K let us play with the twins after we ate, and just let us love on them as much as we wanted. The little boy cried when we started to leave, which K said he has ONLY recently begun doing for only her and A, and NOBODY else, not even First Mom or Foser Mom... Aunt NotTheMama, well, the kids just know, I guess...
**We're half way there! The day after my b-day marked our one-and-a-half-year anniversary, which is not that big for most couples, but that means we're half way there -- in the same amount of time, we will finally be married long enough, in the eyes of the powers that be, to adopt. I've been singing "Whooooaaaa, we're half way there, whooooaaaa livin' on a prayer... Take my hand, we'll make it I swearrr" What can I say, I am a product of the '80's.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

So I'm sitting there, waiting for church to start. I had picked up my 1-year-old nephew from the nursery, and was talking to my 5-year-old niece and her cousin while playing with baby... Didn't really have time to look at the bulletin before the service started. Then I hear our pastor saying something about a baby dedication... Wha?... But... Those are always on Mother's Day!! Which honestly sucks for that day, but you know you're in the clear for the rest of the year. Right???? RIGHT???? Um, apparently not... It was the couple who got married the weekend before we did. You know, the couple who, after announcing they were pregnant, made sure they told us we were next and basically put the pressure on for us to get pregnant SOON. Insert evil, jaded laugh here. I tried not to cry. Niece was sitting in my lap. As our pastor was praying over the new family, I held onto niece and the tears started. But I'm good at this, remember, so she never knew I was crying. During the next song, I went to the bathroom. That song is the hand-shaking song, you know, where you chat and swap handshakes and hugs with like half the church in 1 verse and chorus. I KNEW I couldn't deal with that. And I had snot threatening to run all the way down my face. Took myself into a stall in the bathroom, shed a few tears, tried to regain composure and make myself look like I hadn't been crying. Didn't succeed. Thought I was composed enough, until we started singing again. Just kept my head down throughout the remainder of the service, just in case. Hubby was off fighting a fire, I was left without car or house keys, so I walked home to sit in my swing and read my new Home Life that had several adoption articles this time. My parents pull up, tell me they are going to my fav Mexican restaurant. They leave, I walk up to the firehall to see if hubby is back yet. (Aside: the gas station convenience store is across the road from my house, and beside the firehall. The post office is beside me house, and if there were other houses, it would be a couple houses away. There are 2 empty concrete pads, and some grass instead. Yeah, it really is convenient.) So hubby finally comes back from the fire (house trailer, btw, lots of dammage, but they did manage to "save" some of it... but there were lots of holes where they had to cut into the roof and sides... when a trailer catches fire, there's really not much that can be done... But I digress again...) So we meet my parents at the restaurant, and she proceeds to tell me that our friend T, who just found out she was pregnant after an m/c and lots and lots of ttc with drugs and surgery and such, just found out that they are having TRIPLETS. Fast-forward to this afternoon, when we have another meeting for this New Year's Eve bash deal at our church, for all the community youth. T and her hubby are there, and at the end of the meeting, they request prayer, at which point our pastor jumps up and says we will gather around them NOW and pray.... I made it through the prayer, and off to the bathroom I went. Again. To regain composure. Again. And tried not to bring any attention to my red eyes. Again. And wanted to bang my head into a brick wall. Again.
On the brighter (or at least better) side, hubby and I had a nice chat tonight about well, EVERYTHING... How much this bothers me, how he is just his usual happy-go-lucky self, details about exactly why and how this bothers me... I told him I just need to cut and paste parts of my blog and let him see. It's so much easier to bang it out on the keyboard. I only threw one small object at him when he said something about my being "crazy and depressed" over all of this. Sigh... I'm becoming the woman I said I DID NOT want to become! I'm usually pretty good at hiding all emotion until I get in the car and leave the parking lot. Apparently, that's not really working for me anymore. He did decide, though, that it might be an okay time to start explaining things a little when people ask. Why am I not in the choir? Well, not just because "I needed a break," but because "Sometimes, it's just too hard to look out at all of you families and see all of your kids" (well, maybe not exactly like that, but you get it...) Instead of making up some excuse like "nah, not ey" and acting like we don't really care if we have kids right away, while dying on the inside, maybe a "Well, you know, we've been trying for a while, but we could use some prayers on that!" And to some people who we know better and are closer to, "Well, that's something I'm really struggling with right now... We're planning to adopt when we've been married long enough, but it's getting harder and harder to NOT have my babies!"
We shall see.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

A whole, sad new level of "grown-up"

So, I went to Wally World yesterday afternoon, between work and meeting up at our aunt's house to trick-or-treat with 3 of the nephews. I am extremely sad to say, for the first time in my life, I bought toilet paper on HALLOWEEN NIGHT, dudes, and not the first PIECE went on anyone's yard... No, it will all be put to its intended use... I am officially OLD!!
For real, I am feeling it. It's not like one of those threshold birthdays is coming up... I will be 27 on Wednesday, that's not really one of those b-days where you're supposed to be flippin' out, is it? Because I am. And have been for a couple of weeks. I swear I can almost audibly hear a "tick, tick, tick..." in the background. Now, I know women have babies much older than 27, but once-upon-a-time-before-I-knew-better, my plans were to be married by 25, and done having at least 3 kids by 30, so we could raise our kids and enjoy retirement and grandkids before we were running people down with our scooters. Um. 3 by 30? So. Not. Happening. Well, I guess technically it COULD happen, and actually is more LIKELY to happen through adoption than otherwise.
But I'm trying to remember that God's thoughts are not my thoughts, His plans are not my plans, and He is in control. God was looking down on me when I made my 25-and30 plans, and shaking his head saying "This girl doesn't have a CLUE!" And He saw what my future was like, and I'm positive it is way better than "my" plan for how things "should have" went. Trying to hang on to that while I buy my toilet paper. Hmph... Come to think of it, I think this is also the first year of my life that I haven't rolled someone's yard at all, and don't really care if I skip it, because it would hurt my arm too much to throw... Sheesh, I tell ya, I'm OLD!!
And finally... Trick-or-treating is dangerous, kids. Both of my sisters take their boys to the same neighborhood we went to when we were little. My aunt lives there, and we have always met up at her house (cousins, too) and walked the neighborhood. We always came back with pillowcases FULL of candy. 3 kids (now) + 3 adults = nobody gets lost. For just a couple of hours, to the outside world, I looked like a Mama!!! Nobody asked me those annoying questions, nobody had a comment about how soon I would be pregnant, I didn't have to paste a smile on my face and give some vague answer. The dangerous part was the drive home, when I had zero candy to show for my efforts, the only thing in my backseat was a couple of boxes, my front seat held not a squirmy, happy, candy-filled child, but my new thing of toilet paper that wasn't purchased for trees. That, my friends, was sad.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

As if osmosis can cure sterility... I crack myself up sometimes

Haha, you know that person with the sick/twisted sense of humor? Well, sometimes, that's moi! I was typing out a message on a message board, sort of an SOS prayer request for the church picnic in 14 hours... And described how I spent the better part of the day in front of the computer researching IF and ttc things, you know, "as if osmosis could cure sterility".... Good grief, when did I become so cynical? (I actually DO know where THIS question originated... Last night, I went with my older sis to take Oldest Nephew (whoo turned 5 AND got his first loose tooth in the same day!!) to see H!gh Sch00l Mus!cal III... All of these little 'tween and younger girls were clapping and cheering, and of course, the boy gets the girl and everything works out perfectly... I was thinking oh, if only life really worked out like that... Part of me wanted to bust their little bubbles and just stand up and yell the harsh truth of life (you know, except for that whole crazy-lady-who-gets-carted-off-to-jail-for-causing-a-scene-thing), but part of me thought oh, to be young and NOT jaded again... Let them have their fun.
Is it just me, or do I sound like I should be about 60 years older, with lots of cats and no company, ever?

"You deserve it!"

So, why do I seem to always feel like every *else* deserves the things I want most? Examples: A friend, M, is happily married and has 3 kids under 4. My first thoughts when they visited our church? "If anybody deserves all the beautiful children they can handle, it is M. If IF had to happen to one of us, I'm glad it was me!" M grew up with an alcoholic, abusive father, and she and her mom took the brunt of his abuse. It brings me a lot of joy to see her so happy with those beautiful babies. K has been through IF, and is in the process of foster/adoption classes. She and her hubby have been able to keep 3-year-old twins in their home for several weekends, and should know by Jan whether or not the parents' rights will be terminated, then they can adopt the kids. My first thoughts? "She deserves it!! They've been married for 5 years, ttc for a long time... One failed adoption because the country shut the process down. Lots of difficult times. Hubby and I haven't been waiting that long, really. It's their turn, and they deserve this more." Yet another girl, A, recently adopted a newborn straight from the hospital. My thoughts, yet again, "They deserve it!! They've been married and ttc FOREVER, been through a lot... It's past time they get to enjoy a beautiful little girl." I slipped out of her shower as to not mess up what was rightly a very happy occassion. Again, another "A" friend, should be traveling to China pretty soon to finally meet in person the little girl she has met through pictures. My thoughts on that one? "They deserve it!! After finding out their 3rd child had a terminal chromosomal problem, and living on earth for 9 minutes... They DESERVE so much to have their adoption process flow smoothly and be back home with their older daughter, son, and new little Chinese angel SOON!!"
It really does bring me great joy when I learn about other couples receiving and welcoming new babies into their families. Only someone who has "been there" can know how it is so comflicting to also feel that twinge of "I wish it were me..." When I leave another shower trying to cover up my tears... When I leave the hospital with empty arms... When I can hardly finish my meal and leave the restaurant because someone just made a very public announcement yet again... When people tell me hwo they've missed me in the choir, and I can't tell them that I quit going up there because it just hurts too much... Ya know, I'm trying to enjoy this lazy Saturday, while hubby is gone yard-sale-ing and running errands... But I would gladly give this kind of day up, for my own piece of good news. Just wish I knew why I feel that everyone else deserves it and I don't!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Random ramblings

Okay. Not really sure where this is going, but there's a lot going on inside my head, and it's gotta come out somewhere. Please don't feel oligated to read any/all of the rest...
1) Remember the shower I went to during the spring/summer (???) for the church friend who adopted a baby girl she got to bring home from the hospital? (Surely I blogged about that...) Out of all of those ladies, who were nostly from my church, who all came up to me at some point during the shower, there was ONE (1) (uno) who did NOT make a stupid comment or pose a stupid question. Now granted, they were mostly stupid to ME, because most of those people have no clue what we are facing, at hubby's request. But even if they don't know, it still hurts. For the most part, I don't hold it against them, because they didn't KNOW they were hurting me, so it's not their fault, but it still HURT... Anyway... The one lady works with my m-i-l. We'll call her S. I'm not sure if S knows anything about our situation, because it has always been such a private family matter, but it sure seemed like it at that shower. Where everyone else who walked up to our table immediately made some comment about how long hubby and I had been married, or asked when they would be doing "this" (not realizing of course that any shower we ever had would be EXACTLY like "this", but I digress again)... But S simmply walked up, patted and rubbed my arm, and didn't ask or say anything pertaining to my un-fertileness. Such a loving show of mercy, and it nearly brought me to tears right there in my cake and punch. I'm not sure if she was trying to ease the pain or just didn't think it was any of her business to ask nosey questions, but it sure did ease that pain a little, and made me hold back the tears for a whole different reason. I still thank God for her compassion, whether intentional or not. I believe God sent her my way that day.
2) Ahhh... Do I WANT to get pregnant or not? I wrestle with this one a lot, with God. Well, more like WITH myself while talking TO God, but He's there nonetheless. I struggle with why God would give me such a natural desire, let me grow up thinking it would happen and dreaming it would, only to yank that all away? But then I think, there was conscious decisions I made that led me to where I am. I CHOSE to marry hubby, knowing full well what lay ahead fertility-wise. And there were all those times throughout my life where God was plainly whispering adoption into my heart. Now, I'm careful to NOT think about the movie F#ac!ng the G!@nts, and how all it took for her to be pregnant was to look into the sky at God and say, "No matter what happens, I'll still love You!" Then BOOM!!! Out comes the nurse to say hey, you know what, there was a mix-up, and actually, you ARE pregnant. That is NOT how my God works. It's not like He is the Great Oz, or a voting booth, where you just go in, mash all the right "buttons," and BAM, out pops exactly what you wanted! My thoughts are not God's thoughts. He sees a whole heckuva lot more of my life than I do. I only see RIGHT NOW, when everyone else is getting their babies through whatever means they had planned, be it birth or adoption, and I sit with empty arms and a year's worth of knowing exactly when my period fell, with no skipped or late days. Ugh. God sees my future children, and their kids, and their kids.... It is neat to think that when I was that little tiny girl not yet in school, watching Fe%ed the Ch!ldre^n episodes, that God could see down the line to where I am now, to where I WILL be 20 years from now, to eternity. Was He smiling as he saw the little "me" and the adult "me" at the same time? Was He amused as he saw me typing this out tonight, and typing something about my kids years from now, when He knew all along how it would work out? Once again, I digress... But hey'we're in my head tonight, remember, so I can do that!!
I think it is okay for me to want to get pregnant. It is equally okay for me to NOT want to get pregnant. I think God is more interested in my honesty. I'm trying to be more honest with myseld AND with God... For however long now, I've been saying I was completely, totally okay with NOT EVER being pregnant. Was I just trying to convince myself, or God in some way? Because each month, near the end of my cycle, when I lovingly caress my belly after making sure nobody saw, or when I lay in bed and just PRETEND for those last few moments of consciousness, that I am pregnant, doesn't that mean that I'm really NOT okay with it? Right now, honestly, I DO want to be pregnant... To an extent.... If that is what God has in store, that is what I want. If that is NOT how God intends to give me children, then I want it LESS... I can't yet say that I DON'T want it, but I'm working on that. There's a commandment about not creating false gods, and I certainly don't want me yearning for a pregnancy to take a higher place in my life than wanting to please God. I read in a book recently, that God only requires of me that thing which I don't want to give up, that thing I desperately hold on to. I'm trying to hold onto it less and less, and cling to God more and more. THAT is how I will make it through upcoming births and showers and announcements, by clinging to the One who sees and knows all.
Well, I think the washer has stopped, and I know that my eyes are getting heavier with every work I type, and I'm pretty sure the wheels in my brain are creeping to a stop. Time to let sleep take over, hope for sweet dreams, and pray for feeling rested in the morning.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


It was a blah kind of day.... After work, I went to my parents' and fed their kittens, as my parents are on vacation. Mama Kitty had somehow gotten out of the cage, poor baby kitties had been in the cage without their mama for who-knows-how-long. They were pretty loud, obviously hungry! I fixed the cage so Mama Kitty couldn't get out, and I'll go check on them tomorrow morning b4 work. Other than work and checking on the cats, I just laid around all afternoon, reading, napping, etc.
I have a sick hubby... Men are wimps.
I joined fert!l!tyfr!end... who knows if I'll actually do all that monitoring stuff... I would SO like to set up an appt for hubby to get an SA.
Blah.... going to take some midol and go to bed...

Monday, October 20, 2008

Has anyone ever died from self-conflicted sanity shot wounds?

Oh, the conflict I inflict upon myself... (any other -flict words I'm missing out there?) Now, I KNOW I'm not pregnant... But why is it so easy to just... pretend... for a few days, you know, right before Mother Nature decides to surprise me a few days early? Ugh.... But hey, I'm trying to find one sunny spot each month... Based on the current trend, Thanksgiving will be cramp-free. The day after Thanksgiving shopping will not hold any of those ugly surprises this year. And perhaps the most rewarding for today, I made it through W@al M@art without buying even the first little tiny piece of chocolate. I cooked a full meal, and packed us both left-overs for lunch (look at me, saving $$$!!!)... The kitchen is clean, hubby helped me wash dishes and I didn't even have to whine... And the huge-mongous piles of laundry from vacations has been caught up to the "normal" amount of laundry.... One more load for the week, to be done tomorrow.... Tomorrow night's meal is all lined up... I made it through the dreaded baby question today with no problem at all... I'm getting to bed at a decent time again tonight... I'm feeling amazingly positive and peaceful, even as another wasted egg prepares to exit.... Kind of brings an all new meaning to "vicious cycle," n'est pas? Here's to hoping I won't need a mu#scle relaxer this time...

Thursday, October 16, 2008

A glimpse into my day....

Hahaha... Never a dull moment when you deliver meds to mental health patients.
8:57am.... Pharmacist calls to see where I am (almost pulling in the parking lot) and tells me we need to go at some point today and buy a cream to overnight to a home.
9:00... Go in the pharmacy, see a bunch of baskets... A bunch of baskets = a bunch of work (new scripts, medication changes, refills, etc) that has to be delivered after 2:00... Would really rather be home in bed, trying to trudge through the work. Waiting on the drug order to arrive, so I can make a delivery to B, an elderly, darv###ocet-addicted mental health patient, who lives in elderly apts about 6 miles away.
10:15... Drug order arrives, we pack meds, I take them to her house. I have some other meds with me, to return to our back-up pharmacy, and some things to borrow again. I go to B's house first. Ring the doorbell... I hear her talking, but can't make out what she's saying... Ring... Wait... Ring... Wait... Wait... Try the door, it's unlocked, but her dog comes up growling and barking at me... Big chicken, I shut the door. Call the pharmacist. She calls B's house, B hangs up on her, then leaves her phone off the hook. We're not sure if she has fallen, or passed out, or what... We're thinking about calling 911. Finally a neighbor is outside, so I ask them if they know her. No, ask her next-door-neighbor. NDN says she does this all the time, but she can come to the door fine when she needs a cigarette or the food van comes... Calls her... Well, she's on that phone, that's why she won't come to the door. NDN launches into a tirade about the nasty-ness B lives in, how she is catered to too much, etc. All while walking to B's door, opening it, yelling at the dog to get back, and yelling at B to come to the door b/c I have her meds. "The door was open..." "Well, she's afraid of your dog. You need to come get this medicine, She's afraid of your dog and she's not coming in. Get up and come to this door!" (Aside: How wise is it to walk into a growling, barking dog who belongs to a mental patient, when you're not sure if said patient will be found half dead on the floor???)
After a few minutes, B comes to the door, very sweet, oh thank you darlin', thank you honey, thank you so much. So NDN is standing behind me, and continues her tirade as I'm trying to get in my car. (Who's the patient here?!?!) "Somebody needs to tell her nurse how she lives!" "Well, I'm just from the pharmacy, I don't really know much about her. Thanks for your help." "Well, SOMEBODY needs to tell her nurse!! She lets that dog S#&@ on newspaper in that house, never walks it, that house is NASTY. Something needs to be done, call the health dept, she's just a chain-smoker is all she is. Catered to way too much. That's what's wrong, SOME people get catered to TOO much, and the rest of us can't get any help....." Um, sorry? hahaha
So then I got in my car while she was still going off, and on my way back to the pharmacy I though, you know, if this tirade lady really **wants** that kind of catering, all she has to do is go over to the mental health center. If she really wants to live the kind of life B lives, she can. How sad is it to be jealous of mental health patients? (For all I know, NDN is a mh patient, too!)
The rest of the day was less interesting... Which was good after yesterday, when I filled in for the other pharmacy, and was in the basement of a mental hospital preparing to fill the machines in that hospital, then driving over an hour away to another mental hospital (through the ghetto, no less) and filling up their machine. Spending a whole day in a mental hospital is a little less than fun. ;)
Tomorrow I work at the hospital in the morning, then my regular pharmacy whenever I finish at the hospital. Hoping for ZERO funny stories.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Vacation's over... Catching up

Whew.... I do NOT plan on taking 2 long weekend trips back-to-back again!!! I went to bed last night at 9:30! I usually go around midnight... Would've went earlier tonight, but I've been busy. Vacations were good, one was crazy busy with no time to rest and relax, the beach trip was nothin' but R&R and arcade games and ocean time. I thought things would slow down, but uh-uh, Friday night we're going to dinner with a Bible study group from church (forgot about that one, gotta figure out what to cook!!), Saturday is oldest nephew's b-day party, something-that-I-can't-remember is going on next weekend.... Can't a girl just catch her breath? I'll not have another (planned) day off until Thanksgiving.
There hasn't been much time for IF because I've been so busy.... Which is not necessarily a bad thing! ;) It's kind of nice to just be "normal" for a while. I did manage to find some books dealing with IF, and hope, and some good fiction, in the Smokies for CHEAP, but I'm gonna have to hold off on the hope and IF ones until we're done with this Bible study @ church in November. I did read through one of them, though, and just reading through it and not doing the Bible study made me realize some things... For one, that no matter HOW a child comes, that does not "get rid of" IF, those issues will still be there. Different perspective, I guess, than I've really thought about. Good insight from this author. On another note, it IS kind of odd how when I'm this busy, I still have random IF thoughts that seem to hit me out of nowhere... Like when I was cooking supper, and almost lost it because, out of nowhere, I thought of having to go to a cousin's baby shower in several months, and how I was going to work out driving by myself instead of with my sister- and mother-in-law, so I can make a quick exit if need be. Where did that come from?!?! I know that one day, I will be able to face those baby showers, and announcements, and what-not with no threat of tears, and that is what gets me through them now. Whew.
Time for bed!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Home for 3 days...

...And starting the mad rush to recover/unpack/do laundry from one trip, while resting/packing/ironing clothes for the next. Good trip, not much relaxing, LOTS of time loving on and playing with niece and current youngest nephew. Busy days and early nights, because we were ALL exhausted. Enjoyed my roller coasters, enjoyed nobody asking any questions. Was hoping for a little time to have tearful, adult conversations with sister-in-law, but we slept when the kiddos did. :)
I bought.... A shirt for nephew arriving Dec 19 that says "Dear Santa, I've been good ALL YEAR!! (Just ask my mom!)" Oh yeah, it's precious!... A shirt for his big bro that tells the world he is just that, because up until that day, he has been the little bro.... And some other gifts/clothes/etc for all the kids..... >5 but <10>different problem than my own. But I digress.... This store was a discount (would you find me elsewhere? hahaha) bookstore, with more Christian books than anything else. Usually I do good to find ONE IF-related book. Of course, the majority of women I've seen in the stores DO have kids, are working on home-school stuff, etc, but I KNOW there are PLENTY of Christian women who read books and deal with IF. And I also know that I personally do not always feel comfortable walking up to the clerk and saying "Pardon me, but do you have any books on IF?" But if I see a book, I'll grab it up and probably finish it within a day or two. I feel pretty sure if IF-related books were more readily available, they would be sold. Okay, stepping off my soapbox....
Soooo.... The next trip is a beach trip, leaving Thursday evening for about a 6-hour drive, coming back sometime Monday. Ahhhh... This is the relaxing trip, where we sleep in, eat b'fast in the house, head to the beach at a quarter-to-whenever, stay until it gets really hot or relatively crowded (haha private beach, crowded means those drunk empty-nesters that come on the same weekend), take a nap at the house, then get ready for dinner out somewhere and some type of arcade-bowling-go-kart-riding nonsense.... And in the past, the adults with children go back to the house, and those of us married and not with no kids ride around PC looking for something to do besides hitting the clubs, or walks on the beach... This year, though, we may just go to sleep earlier ;)
Here's to getting enough laundry done to have clothes for the beach!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

It's 2 am....

...And most of my stuff is packed. I think. Except the stuff I had to hand up to dry when I got home from the CE, which was actually a little informative this time, since I have nephews with asthma. Now if only I can remember the details I heard, you know, between text messaging and checking email, etc on my phone... (But everyone was doing it, mom!!) Hubby is still packing... Good news: not leaving @ 6am as planned. Bad news: because youngest nephew has to get tubes in his ears Tuesday (found out today!), so he has pre-op @ 7:30... We're meeting everyone else @ the surgery center around 7:30, and some of us are going to get b'fast while mom, dad, and baby do their thing. I KNOW I'm forgetting stuff.... I always do! But there is a grocery trip in the plans first thing, so maybe I'll remember before we go.
Off for a weekend AWAY from it all, enjoying my niece and youngest nephew, and their parents and grandparents, and of course my hubby. :) So why are my neck/back both still soooo incredibly tight, and why won't this dang 2-week migraine go away?

Monday, September 29, 2008

You know how sometimes, you take things a week at a time, or a day at a time? How 'bout a moment at a time? For this moment, I'm okay... Ask me again in 5 minutes, maybe the tears will be back. Sent a message to a fellow infertile friend who had become very quiet lately... Knowing the probably reason WHY she had become quiet... Yep, she's going tomorrow for a pg test b/c she had an iui 2 weeks ago -- you know, around the time she got quiet. Of course I'm happy for her... And while I wouldn't want anyone to deal with IF forever, it sure was nice when there was someone I could talk to who wasn't pregnant or "almost" there, who understood.
I also know that getting pregnant doesn't make all those fears and uncertainties go away, and ultimately adoption won't either... From reading several blogs I can see that it does get easier, but it's also easy to let those old feelings come back. It's definitely not a cake walk after you've been down this road, even with the most ideal pregnancy or adoption.
I'm reminded again of a song, by oh-what's-her-name, tha blind contemporary Christian singer/songwriter/pianoplayer.... "It may not be the way I would've chosen... But You never said it wouls be easy, You only said I'd never go alone..."
So, for this moment, I am clinging to those promises. I am holding my head up. I am getting some housework done byond the normal laundry-supper-dishes... My kitchen table is COMPLETELY cleaned off. My entire kitchen is almost SPOTLESS. I even took down the ironing board and put it and the iron away, even though I'll need them in the morning. Tomorrow I'm attacking the tub and I just might even work on my bedroom some before we go on our first trip. Yes, FIRST.... Hubby decided that we WILL indeed go to the beach, and that is what sister-in-law wanted. She wants us at the party, but she also doesn't want us to cancel our trip. Just knowing I have 2 shorter work weeks, and will be able to get away for a while, helps a LOT.... And knowing I won't be facing those prying questions from well-meaning cousins at the party lets me relax a little bit more. Knowing 2 close friends are a lot closer to baby stings, but it is a happy sting. Having understanding co-workers is so great... All three of us (myself, the pharmacist, and the other tech) had an emotional day for several reasons, but we were able to talk a lot about IF and all that goes with it. The other tech left to pick up lunch, and our pharmacist just stopped working and hugged me. We just stood there and cried together, and she told me how it WILL happen one day and I'm going to be a great mother, etc, all stuff I needed to hear. I have worked another job where nobody was really that sympathetic, and it really helps to know your co-workers are there for you, and you can be there for them. Her kids call me Aunt NotTheMama just like most kids who know me. I spoil them just like my niece and nephews.
If I don't post again before Friday, I'll be back Monday. I know I won't have computer access beyond checking email on my cell phone, but it is reallllllllllly tempting to just leave the phone at home. We'll see.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

It just keeps on getting better...

Pardon that last rant... Can you tell this is not a good time?!
Well... Let's just say I felt a little less than wonderful yesterday. I had to decide whether to treat the cramps or the migraine (the 3rd or 4th in a week, no less) first... Bring on the mid0l. Which left me with a monster migraine. Instead of cleaning house or getting ready for this weekend's trip, I stayed in bed until I had to get ready for hubby's b-day dinner, almost a month late. So last night, after we got in around midnight, I took a muscle relaxer and went to bed. Didn't make it for Sunday School, but I MADE myself get up and go to preaching. Usually, I'm poking hubby to wake him up during the sermon. Today, I was just struggling to remain conscious myself. Even after a nap this afternoon, I'm still kind of groggy and tired. But I felt better otherwise. My body finally relaxed last night as I slept. Too bad I can't take one of those every night.
So I was already not in a good frame of mind, when the announcement was made during lunch that a fellow infertile friend is pregnant. If you've been there, you know how that feels... Good for her, I'm happy that yet another person gets to experience that.... Wasn't there a better, more private way to let me in on that little bit of info? I lost my appetite, but did manage to eat what I had already put on my plate. I also managed to keep the tears away until we were in the truck. When I sat looking out the window, not talking, and let a few tears fall silently. Because I knew hubby's reaction would be that I can't let things like that bother me. It was easier to just suffer in silence. And now, he's in bed, and I can just let the tears go.
I KNOW God's timing is not right for us to have kids now. I KNOW one day it will happen, somehow. But the question is, how many more times do I have to keep my emotions in check... How many more ruined meals, mixed feelings, awkward announcements, etc will I see before I get to be on the other side.... I really need to get to the beach.

Saturday, September 27, 2008


For the past several years, we have went to the beach the 2nd weekend in October. Sister-in-law knew this, as she was planning for youngest nephew's 1st birthday party. We discussed it, she had said it would be the weekend after that. She called hubby today in tears. She messed up and planned it for the weekend we are going to be (or were supposed to be!!!!) at the beach. Hubby is thinking seriously about NOT going to the beach... In fact, I dare say we can already just go ahead and cancel. Good-bye, sand between my toes. Good-bye midnight walks on the beach. Good-bye best Italian food of my life. Good-bye relaxing weekend I deseperately NEED..... Of course, I can't SAY anything, because she has already been crying. It's not like this trip was a huge surprise. HELLO, WE DISCUSSED IT AND SHE SAID IT WOULD BE THE NEXT WEEKEND.... Ugh.... Hubby asked what I would do if it was one of MY nephews, I said I had actually missed one of oldest nephew's parties, because we were at the beach. Granted, it was not his 1st b-day. What to do?

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Oh gosh.... Mixed feelings

If you could see me right now, I would be banging my head aganist the wall... Or just shedding a few tears, because I've already had some migraine meds, and that whole banging thing probably wouldn't help. (Disclaimer: it is that time again, so hormones/emotions/appetite/give-me-more-chocolate-meter are all out of whack. End disclaimer.)
Don't get me wrong... I'm actually a little happy and glad that it's 5 days early this time... We're leaving next Friday morning for a trip to Pigeon Forge with hubby's family, coming back Monday, then leaving out the following Thursday night for our annual beach trip with church friends. Child-beaering for the month may be screwed, but hey, at least it's not ruining some perfectly good mountain and beach time. AND I can ride the roller coaster and whatever else at Dollywood with NO worries AT ALL.
But... And isn't there always a but???? One bloggy buddy is in Taiwan getting her little girl, and I saw some awesome wonderful pictures of her and the baby... Beautiful baby, and even though I was at work and the phone was ringing off the hook, I immediately started looking into Taiwan adoption...... Another blogger just announced on her blog a couple of hours ago that they are trying again. Happy for them, too, and glad they have that option.
Sigh... Which brings out the other side (does anyone else ever feel all oh shoot what was the name of that movie with the lady who had multiple personalities in like the 80's or early 90's?)..... Once again, I thought about doing an OPK... But you know, those 2 trips, peeing on a stick every day, trying not to leave any evidence.... Ugh... With MY family, maybe, but the in-laws? We're a little new for that.... Maybe next month.... And seeing the pictures of someone else finally getting there little bundle of joy (don't get me wrong, she so totally deserves this, she's been waiting forever and I'm SO happy for her!!!) makes me want to hop on a plane like YESTERDAY.... If only we had that option less than a year and a half into our marriage.... And still praying for a family dealing with heartbreak over a "failed" adoption, which leaves me with lots of questions and uncertainty about the future...... My younger sister just informed us that she is not going to be present for the birth of our next nephew, because her hubby's family is going to the mountains that weekend for Christmas.... She just really doesn't want to drive an hour south to see the new baby, then drive 6-7 hours to the mountains by herself, because she will fall asleep. There is NO WAY I would miss the birth of any of my nephews or nieces, unless it was absolutely not possible at all. I did that once, because I couldn't get off work and couldn't miss class... But I stayed as long as I possibly could that morning, and drove 4 hours back to class on very little sleep... It was hard to stay awke, but you know what, I would do it again in a heartbeat. And trust me, if the shoe was on the other foot, she would probably DEMAND that our older sister stay at the hospital for the delivery at least. And the final straw was reading that someone else is actively trying to get pregnant..... There is something they can DO that has worked before and could work again... Once again, don't get me wrong, I'm glad she has that option, I'm always glad when things work out for other people, because I know what it's like for that to not happen.
I knew this was coming... I saw the signs all week.... Sore, achy, monster migraines followed by cloudy confusion, cramping, major lower back pain.... It's not like this was a surprise. But I always allow myself to think "You know, I've heard you also could feel this way when you got pregnant..." I've thought about going back to the gyn and getting on birth control.... Fewer migraines, less cramping, lighter flow??? I'll take all of the above... NOT wondering if this MIGHT be the month, when I KNOW it's not possible? Priceless... BUT... Taking a chance on there BEING a chance, and not getting pregnant because of BC? No thanks.
I don't want to hit the fast forward button or anything, but sometimes I wish it was several years down the road, and I was looking back on all of this, while holding my own child, saying "You know, it was ALL worth it!" God, please let it be soon...

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I may have found an answer to my elbow probs!

I'm not really sure that I have ever blogged about my arm here... I played softball all my life, and started having problems with my throwing arm in high school. "It's just tendonitis," the coach said, "And if you go to the doctor, they'll just tell you not to play ball... And I NEED YOU to play ball!" So, like most good athletes, I listened to my coach. I wore a brace, slathered on the Fle!x-a%l 454, and smelled like an old man. And still hurt... Then there was a while where I could be holding something in my left hand (dinner plate, pencil, whatever) and just drop it. Fast forward several years, and I'm slicing about 10 cases of lemons in half at least once (usually 2 or 3 times) a week. I think that aggravated it more, as I had continued to have **some** pain and problems, but not a lot. This time, though, my pinky and ring fingers started tingling, along with the elbow pain and dropping things. I finally went to the doctor (and not a good one, either!) and after some nerve studies (ouch) on my arm and neck, he said I had some nerve damage and needed surgery. Did I mention the dude who did the nerve studies told us that he'd had grown men cry and refuse to finish the nerve study, and I just laid/sat there and never flinched? ;)
I had the surgery, and later found out the dude couldn't do surgery without another doctor )conveniently, his dad...) being in the room, because he wasn't yet board certified... Nobody told us this info in his office, and never once was in mentioned that this dude wasn't certified yet. So when my arm didn't improve as quickly and fully as we'd hoped, he said more surgery was needed... My mom said no way, and made me set up an appt in another (bigger, more medicall advanced, with certified surgeons) town.. THAT doctor couldn't believe the first one was going to cut on my arm AGAIN, without doing another nerve study... Repeat nerve study, in arm and neck. Ouch again. No tears or flinching again. The good doctor said there was no nerve damage showing up, but that I definitely should have had some PT after surgery. Another thing the first doctor failed to mention. I drove an hour away, 3 days a week, for 1 hour of PT. I think it hurt more than the nerve study hahaha... The PT told me not to use my left hand/arm AT ALL, for anything.... Did I mention I am completely, totally, 100% left-handed? I got pretty good at being right-handed, but I did cheat some, which lead to tendonitis on the other side of my elbow, along with the nerve problems running under my elbow. Great. It gradually got better, PT was over, I was released from the doctor, and for a while, had very little pain or tingling.... The dropping stuff, that has never went away, and gets worse if I've been doing anything that requires gripping something with my left hand. Let's just say I no longer carry plates of food in my left hand.
So last night during an extended-family-dinner, one of my aunts was talking to her cousin about nerve damage in their necks. My aunt works in the hospital, and her boss had to have neck surgery because of some nerve damage, and now deals with permanent nerve damage in her arm and hand. Can you guess what she deals with???? Yep, she drops things, still has pain and tingling in her fingers, etc. Sound familiar?
We went to a fair over the weekend.... I didn't really connect the dots until today. After gripping the handles and bars on all the rides with both hands, no wonder I've been dropping stuff all week.... I also carried around my 2 and a half year old nephew for the better part of Monday night, because the one time I let him walk, I ended up chasing him around the restaurant. Which arm did I carry him in? Of course, the left.... And that whole pushing the buggy through the store because Aunt NotTheMama is the fun driver? Yep, held on to that thing pretty tight. It's also a busy week at work, so I've been putting tablets and capsules in trays all day, every day. So, it looks like I'm dealing with permanent nerve damage in my dominant elbow and hand. Nice!
Hahaha here's a list of some of my ailments
**migraines several times a month, sometimes followed my nausea, etc
**neck/back pain from a wreck
**bad ankles from too much running and sliding
**vision probs that are getting worse (gotta get back to the dr on that)
Sheesh.... I'm not even 30 yet...

Friday, September 19, 2008

When "the plan" doesn't go like we've planned

Whew. Heart-breaking day in Ukraine today. The family I met who were supposed to have their day in court today (technically, yesterday)??? Didn't. Happen. As in, the boy chose to stay in Ukraine. I started praying last night, and prayed at different times throughout the day, and checked their blog at work every chance I got. While the pharmacist was gone to pick up her daughter from school, I sat down to read their update.... And he decided he couldn't do it. Time invested away from their country, away from their other 2 kids and family and friends and church and jobs and LIFE... Gone. Time they can't get back. That third child they had already planned on being in the family? Now there's a hole. That bedroom they had already prepared? It will be empty. That money they spent on various things to complete the adoption and get to and from Ukraine? Gone. Because he loves that family, but he loves his friends more. Because he doesn't think he can be part of a family. Because he likes the freedom of not being in the orphanage. Because he has no CLUE really what a family is/does/means, and he was probably scared. Because he is just a little boy who nobody else gave a chance, so that when given a chance, he wasn't really sure what to DO with it. Because he is just a teenager, with no way of knowing how to compare two very different futures. Sure, to us, you know, those of us who grew up in America, who never had to live on $8 a day and go from a very structured environment to figuring out how to survive on your own over night, who know that Mama will be there to kiss your boo-boos, or Daddy will teach you to drive that car, to us, it's easy to see what choice we would make, you know, if it were us. We would choose the family.
BUT.... Is this how God feels? Obviously, God is not at all surprised by the outcomes of difficult situations, He knows in advance how things will play out... But He is "not willing that any should perish," soGod provides a Way..... Even though we grew up in church, we didn't really "get it" until we made those steps to become a Christian. Sure, we stepped out in faith. God is not surprised when someone rejects Him, but it has to hurt... So this family gave up a LOT of things (time, money, work, being with their children for weeks, etc) to adopt this boy.... And I am absolutely NOT trying to minimize their pain in any way (I'm sure this is just as painful as losing a child to death)... But God gave HIS SON... His One and Only Son... Jesus died on the cross, KNOWING that people would reject Him... KNOWING that someone would say "Well, Jesus, I really do love you, but I love my (girlfriend/boyfriend/car/house/alcohol/drugs/sinful lifestyle too much to come be with You!"
But it doesn't stop just there... And I'm preaching to myself on this part.... Every time we choose to do (insert a million things here) instead of reading our Bible, praying, witnessing to that person when God whispers to us to do so, giving that extra money to missions or offerings or such.... We are telling God "Sorry, God, I know You gave Your Perfect Son to die in my place, but I love my internet/game system/athletic team/only day to rest/family time TOO MUCH to follow You." Ouch. Does realizing and admitting that hurt you as much as it hurt me?
Please be in prayer for this family, including the son they are leaving behind.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I've lost it a little more hahaha

So there's something going on with my car. It s-l-o-w-l-y loses water somehow, like over the course of a few weeks, which in turn (if left unchecked) drains the radiator. Honestly, I'm not sure how my car wasn't running hot before my dad discovered there was a problem. He says there's either a leaky hose somewhere, or a blown head gasket. No biggie, as we only have 2 more truck payments left on Mr. NotTheMama's truck, then we're getting me something else anyway. Unless....
Unless it starts running rough again... I hadn't checked the H2O in a while, and I could tell when I cranked it yesterday, I needed to add water. I was in a hurry, so I just skipped it. Today, I was a little earlier in leaving, so I went back to the house, unlocked the door, and ran in and grabbed some water. Went back to my car, poured in the correct amount, got in my car, and drove to work.... Notice a missing step in there? Notice I said I UNLOCKED the door, but mentioned nothing about LOCKING IT BACK?????????? Yeah, me either.... I left right before 8:30 this morning.... I get home after 5, and my front door is standing WIDE OPEN!!!!!!! At this point, I don't really REMEMBER not shutting and locking the door, so I call hubby and talk to him as I go in the house. My cell works in the yard, and right inside the front door, but after that, it loses signal. Hahaha I kept talking, just like I was still carrying on a conversation, until I had checked most of the house. I had to get to church, so I didn't have time to check the rest. After my little class was over, I came back home, and sat in my car for about 15 minutes waiting for hubby to get in from work. Thankfully, we live in the middle of nowhere, but "downtown" middle-of-nowhere... Um, I.E., we live across the road from the gas station, and beside the post office, which is across the road from the fire department. Which, I guess, is a good thing, since I seem to have a problem remembering to unplug the iron, too....

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Big. Freakin'. Migraine.

'Nuff said.... 2 Ex#cedrine migraine's around lunch.... Another a little while ago.... 2 Dr Pe#pper's... Piece of cake to add in some extra sugar.... All of the usual things are NOT helping. Just trying not to puke.... Now there's something that doesn't happen very often with my migraines...
Looks like Denis will be getting his stuff soon!
Catch ya later unless my head explodes.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Misc., etc.

***Ukraine stuff is sent! I knew I would forget to buy a pencil sharpener this AM when I got some copies of wedding pictures, but there was one at work... Then goofy me forgot to put it in the package! Here's to finding a pencil sharpener in Ukraine! ;)

***I found something that so far has worked better than the Sl!m*Fast diet... And I just might lose more than that same 5 lbs that usually creeps its way back in over the weekend, since I kept it away (even with niece's b-day party, how 'bout that?)

***I told the in-laws I would try to get our house cleaned up and invited them to supper later this week... They've been without a fridge for a couple of weeks. Any meal ideas? I cook a mean homemade lasagna, but I don't think they're big italian fans.

***Played with the nephews tonight while older sister went to class. Tired Fun Aunt.... We rode the 4-wheeler, played chase, helped dig up potatoes (yes, in my work clothes and Yell0w B0x flops.... Pretty thing to see. I convinced the munchkins and their cousin that if they ran around in a circle, it would make the tractor drive faster, and if they stopped, the tractor would slow down. Hey, it kept them out of the way while the tractor was moving!

***Looking ahead... Slow work week. Man, this is the first really cool night... Makes me want to go to a football game!!! Will we make it to the Japanese steakhouse for hubby's b-day 2 weeks late? We're half-way through the month, which means only half a month until 2 back-to-back weekends of Smokies then Panama City!!!! Which reminds me.... Gotta go turn in hours and mileage! ;)

Saturday, September 13, 2008

I really shouldn't be eating this second piece of cake...

...But I am. And it's GOOD. And for whatever reason, I did not even THINK about hubby's pregnant cousin being at the party. You know, the one who couldn't go to 6 Fl*ags on Friday night, because she had a "stomach virus," then called on Monday to tell us she was pregnant. You know, the one who is entering her 2nd trimester tomorrow, and doesn't look pregnant at all. I was putting on my make-up at 4:30 when I thought about it. Which, incidentally, was the same time my hubby let me know he wanted to be at said party before 5... My clothes were not ironed yet, and it was 4:30. Let's just say, it really sucks to be so darned GOOD at NOT crying during what should be a happy event.
Hubby's other cousin began the dreaded y'all-are-next-so-when's-it-gonna-be conversation. Hubby made several jokes about still having time and letting them have one before us, and we're-shopping-around-for-a-baby.... She didn't really want to let go of the conversation... "Oh, wait, do y'all have something to tell us????!!!!!" Um, no, actually... We would LOVE to be able to have something to tell you, but instead, we're not pregnant, we're never gonna be pregnant, and right now we're waiting on some stupid magic number 3 anniversary. But it tears my heart out every time someone brings this convo up, so thanks... Yeah, that's not how I responded... I mentioned something about Ukraine, but hubby made an aside comment to not even bring that up.
Talked to Older Sister when we got home. She and 2 of our aunts with a 4-year-old and 10-month-old went to drop off clothes at Kid*s M_arket (KM) this morning before daylight. Have you ever been to KM? Madhouse. Do NOT get in the way of a Mama trying to find her baby(-ies) a good deal on a whole new wardrobe. I went with Older Sister a year ago, because she had a bum arm, so I dragged her basket around an old grocery store as she looked for clothes. A little (okay, a LOT) overwhelming for someone who first, doesn't have anyone to shop for, and second, well, CAN'T HAVE KIDS..... So anyway.... One of those aunts (the one with the baby... The surprise baby with a brother and sister in middle school) is having an MRI on the day that people who brought in things can come to shop before it is open to everyone else. She'll ahve to be sedated, so my aunt doesn't really want to leave her, and she can't decide if she wants someone to come help her shop and tend to baby, or just go shop for her. Well, older sister knows that I'm always the first to volunteer to help with the babies, so she volunteered me to go shopping for our aunt. Now, the first time I helped OS shop at KM, I swore I would never, ever go back, unless I was shopping for my own, and maybe not even then. Did I say yet that it's overwhelming? I have no desire to do this, but I'll probably end up going and doing whatever they need me to do. Not really sure how that will go, for sooooooo many reasons. The last time, I was in a better frame of mind, because we were still newlyweds, and there was still hope because everything was new. (Huge disclaimer: I know that some couples will laugh at my thinging that a year and a half is a long time to try, with no luck, for baby) A year and a half later, not so much. The mere thought of looking for tiny baby clothes (little girl is still wearing 3-6 month clothes, thus one of the reasons for the MRI). I can see me breaking down in the middle of the store, and while it's not the worst area in that town, I wouldn't exactly be able to sit outside and wait on everyone else to finish shopping.
Now.... With all that said.... It makes me feel like a horrible, terrible person. My tiny little baby cousin is having an MRI done, who knows WHAT could be wrong with her, and I'm wirred about how I'm gonna make it through shopping for her with my sanity in tact. (Wait a minute, isn't it a little late for that, according to the title of this blog?) I shouldn't be so worried about myself. I should be GLAD that I have all of these babies to shop for, and I should go and enjoy every minute of it. It's not all about me, good grief. For once, I just want to feel like a normal freakin' person doing a normal freakin thing...
So, instead of coming home and having a good cry.... I eat. A big, honkin' piece of homemade b-day cake. Did I mention I keep losing the same 5lbs over and over?
It's one of those rare lazy Saturdays at home for us. We are going to Niece's 5th birthday party this evening, a family cook-out in their back yard. We went shopping last night for her present. We got her a book with like a million stories in it, because she is always wanting us to read to her, and 2 packs of "...In My Pocket..." toys. I think we ended up getting her the kitties and the ponies. She decided she has enough Littlest Pet S%hop toys. The Pocket toys were on her (humongously long) wish list. Hubby was going for the real drum set. Aunt NotTheMama said they're already cramped for space, let's not add to it.
BUT we also got some things for Denis. We got mainly school supplies, because they will pack well. We got him a bunch of pencils and pens, a calulator, notebooks, etc, that will (hopefully) all fit in a planner-type deal, and some socks. I know in the orphanage, they always needed socks. We got a toothbrush and toothpaste, but not sure if that can be carried on the plane??? We are also planning on sending some money so that he can get some things he needs that won't pack well.
We got some pictures of him in an email.... He looks so different!! It's been at least a couple of years since I saw him or talked to him. He has slimmed up a lot, and his VOICE!!!! Oh my goodness, last time I talked to him, he sounded like a little boy!!! Now he sounds like a teenager!! He's taking 10 classes, one of which is Algebra. He wants a hamster. He seems to be doing very well, and I hope he continues to do so. I said from the first time we met him, that he has so much potential. My prayer has constantly been that God would help him to use that potential for good, to become a successful, productive adult, and not succumb to the ways of the streets. So many don't make it through trade school, so now my prayer is also that Denis will stay in school and succeed. We are kind of limited on how we can financially help, but I want to do all we can.
Well, hubby is being productive in our house, so I guess I better go join him... :)

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Another prayer answered... I was going to blog about it last night, or this morning, rather, but I just had to get to sleep.
I mentioned a little about my little buddy Denis. God's fingerprints are all over that little boy, who is now a young man. When hubby and I first met him, it was our first time to go visit with the orphans. We weren't really sure what to expect, driving over an hour away, to the house they were hosted in (R&V's)... V and I had exchanged some emails, but that was about it. We actually went to the airport first, to welcome them, and saw a bunch of scared, timid little boys that weren't really sure what they were getting into. Fastfoward a few days, and hubby and I went to visit. There was a little boy sitting in a hammock off by himself. The kid I usually am drawn to, is the kid who is by himself. We introduced ourselves, made him smile, and tried to "talk" through the language barrier. All of the kids were going out that night, and we just kind of hung out with Denis until he left. While he was gone, we played with another little boy, "Little Sergey," who had a skin condition that left him very fragile. Denis came back, and found hubby and I to show us his new stuff. $ Tree toys don't really seem like a lot, but for kids who rarely get new toys, this is like ten times better than Christmas for American kids. Hubby and I had settled down to play with Denis and his new basketball goal inside the house, when V's neighbor popped her head in the door and said, "I just wanted y'all to know what a God-thing it is that you two came tonight, and are focusing so much attention specifically on Denis. He's bigger than the other kids, and he doesn't always get the same attention. He's felt a little left out, and just today, he was telling Zhenia, 'I good boy, I need Mama... Why no Mama for me? I good boy!!!!' So I just wanted to let y'all know that God has sent you here to play with Denis." I searched and searched for a family to adopt Denis, and prayed God would send the right family his way. I got to see him the next summer, which I blogged about last night.
Last night, in some of my random-blog-reading, I found the blog of a family who is in Ukraine RIGHT NOW.... At orphanage 21 RIGHT NOW..... Working with the same facilitator/translator who came with Denis' group.... So I left a comment on their blog, asking them if they could possibly find out how Denis is doing. This morning, I missed Sunday School because we woke up late, but I do believe I got way more out of checking my email than I would ever have gotten from SS!!! Ihad TWO new comments (feel free to check them out!). They speak for themselves. The way everything seemingly "fell into place," CANNOT be "just coincidence".... I am convinced that God is still all over this situation. A few weeks ago, I had been burdened to pray extra hard for Denis. I didn't really know why, and still don't, but I didn't fail to step up the prayers for the little boy who called me Mama NotTheMama (ha, well, not exactly, but you know...) God's timing on this was so PERFECT, as usual. I am looking forward to seeing some pictures, and finding out what God has in store for this little guy!! He seems to be doing very well, which is a huge relief for my heart, given the "usual" outcome for orphans after they "graduate" from their orphanage.
And the sermon at church today, very appropriately, was about the sun coming up in the morning. Weeping lasts for a night, but there's joy in the morning. Ah, what a good place to be in today. The sun has definitely come up. A few notes of encouragement for those who might read this....
****Jbeeky, your morning is coming SOON!!! When you hold that sweet baby girl in your arms for the first time, all of this waiting will be a distant memory.
****Hey you, your Suburban Saga will soon include a great new house you can finally call your OWN!! Your perfect little boy will be running through the house before you can turn around! ;)
****Weathers family, beautiful Sophie's life was not in vain. I'm praying that soon morning brings joy for your lives in the form of a little Chinese cutie pie!
****Curry's, what joy there will be when you are ALL state-side with your wonderful new SON!!!
****And you, whoever you are out there... There's joy for you, too. Whatever you are going through, just stick with God, and remember your weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
As for me, well, this little "anonymous" blog, just got a little "less" "anonymous" over night.... But what an amazing story I'll have to tell my kids one day.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Okay, another one... Great news!!!!

So, not sure how much I've mentioned about our connection with Ukrainian orphans. I know I've mention my little buddy Denis before. "R and V," as I'll call them, adopted 2 little girls from Ukraine several years ago, and have since hosted groups of orphans from Ukraine in their home. they currently have 5 kids, and I just found their blog, that says they are in the process of adopting 5 more. Two of the 5, are a brother and sister, "Z " (sister), and "V" (brother)..... Hubby and I had the opportunity to go with some friends to see the orphans summer before last while they were in America. All the kids got to go to Wal*Mart (many for the first time in their lives!!!), and one of the translators let Z and V go through the store with hubby and I, because she knew me/us from summers past. It was both amazing and heart-breaking to watch those two kids as they shopped. V would pick things up, and seemed to LOVE the huge assortment of toys! He would always look to Z, and she would tell him if he could or could not get whatever it was he had at the moment. She made sure he stayed close to her, and would not pick up the first thing until V had chosen his things. She reluctantly chose a couple of items, but you could tell she was more concerned about V and his happiness/safety in the store. Also, V, being younger, seemed to automatically latch onto hubby and I, holding our hands as we wandered through the different sections, etc. Z, a little older, but still just a kid, kind of held back a bit. Undoubtedly, she had seen too many times where people just enter and leave her life and was more guarded.
I was ready to go back to R&V's and find out more about Z&V, and try to adopt them myself. This was before I had looked closely into things and found out about the 3-year wait, because we had only been married for a couple of months!! I know that life is not fair and all that jazz, but really.... It just is not at all fair for a little girl to be more "mother" than "little girl." Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that little boy has someone watching out for him, and proud of her for being such a good big sister, but she should get to be a kid, too. My heart breaks and I still cry over the injustice ALL of these orphans face. I would give ANYTHING to be able to have kids, ANYTHING.... I have a couple of friends who are trying fertility stuff and getting ready to look into adoption, and another who is not coping so well with finding out she can't have kids at all, who would all 3 do the same. Then there are so many people in the world who CHOOSE NOT to care for their children. Now, I KNOW that some parents send their kids to the orphanage because they are trying to do what is BEST for their kids. As bad as some of the orphanages are, it beats living on the streets. That is another matter completely. It baffles me that there are so many seemingly "unwanted" children in the world, when so many of us infertiles would love to take those babies into our homes, and just love them to pieces. And not just us infertiles, but lots of fertile myrtles just can't get enough adopted children, either. Sorry for rambling.... Now I've made my way back to the 3-year wait. I just don't understand WHY I could adopt if I was single, but since we got married, we have to wait 3 YEARS, when there are children who need a home NOW. Some of those children will not be around by the time we complete the 3 years, AND the paperwork that follows!!! I also know that I need to get OUT of my head, and INTO God's word.... He will never leave us or forsake us... He has plans to prosper us not to harm us.... He WILL carry us through this storm. He can move mountains and dissipate storms and heal the sick and raise the dead. Surely if He can cause a virgin to become pregnant, He can cause me to do the same, IF that is His will. I don't know if that will ever happen, and I am okay with not experiencing pregnancy if that is NOT where God would have me go. I DO KNOW, however, that God has CALLED me to adopt. He has definitely placed the desire to be Mommy in my heart. I KNOW that all of this waiting, all of these tears, all of this heartache, will make the time when I DO finally bring home my child, SO worth it. My God is not confined to worldly time. I have seen sudden, unexpected changes in my job that I feel are God-created changes. I *could* see those same changes happen with adoption. Wait. Wait. Wait on the Lord. Hey, one of those verses I taught my pre-schoolers one Sunday night --- "I cried unto the Lord, and He answered me" ---
So back to Z&V.... It looks like they could be adopted soon. Z will get to be a little girl. MamaV has such a huge heart for all of "her" orphan kids, and she is so tender and gentle with those babies. As far as I know, my little buddy Denis did not get adopted, and if he is still in the orphanage, he will be "kicked out" soon. I have cried many tears over this little boy, and my heart breaks all over again when I remember R&V's neighbor telling me that just that day, Denis had been asking his translator "Why no Mama for me? I need Mama!" I pray for him often, and think of him often. Another one I would love to just bring on over. Ha, even if we had been married for long enough, I'm a few months too young to adopt him! So, while I am still sad for Denis, I am happy for Z&V, that it looks like they will be able to come to America an have a Mama and Papa and plenty of brothers and sisters and hugs and love, and a chance at LIFE.


It is on, like donkey kong.... Birthday parties, I mean. The season has arrived, and will not stop until after Christmas. Nephew #3's 2-year-old party was tonight, abruptly ended by a fire call, to assist another department, who was assisting ANOTHER department, for a woods fire. Yeahm I'm guessing it's not just a couple of trees on fire, for 3 departments to be toned out. But I digress.... Niece's party is in the next couple of weeks (I think next weekend?!) Nephew #1's is in October, as is Nephew #4's. And #1 & 2's mom.... Mine and my mom and s-i-l in November.... My dad's, #3's mom's, Youngest Baby Cousin's in December, with Baby Nephew #5 set to arrive on my younger sister's b-day. Yes, folks, things are looking a little down on the whole slim****fast diet, not that I could afford it, what with all the birthday presents, births, and Christmas presents to buy.
Tonight's party was full of screaming, whining kids, that only got worse when the 4-wheeler was brought out. This kid got a 4-wheeler much bigger than himself, at the age of TWO, so one of those fire calls may be in the works for him.... I hope not, but wow.
Now I'm back in my quiet house.... The quiet, empty one..... With no babies. I saw soooooo many babies and toddlers and big bellies in town today, and at the party tonight. I want to just grab a baby and snuggle up with it all night. I know that God is in control, and I'll get my baby when the time is right.... But tonight I'm feeling like it's a little cruel to plant the desire to be mommy in someone's heart, then keep that title and priviledge away from them for an indefinite amount of time.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Non-IF Things I've Learned in the Past Few Days

1) If a toilet cleaning product says it contains bleach, it really does. A LOT of bleach.
2) Said product, when (accidentally) squirted directly onto clothing, will turn gray jogging pants you only wear around home orange, immediately, and a black shirt you really (used to) like, a different color of orange, even if you rinse it out real quick.
3) And your black underwear will then have light-purple spots....
4) Those hispanic people in the street are NOT just playing... It's really a fight.
5) Nosey people are sometimes helpful, like that dude on the balcony who told us the other guys were, in fact, fighting and not playing like we thought.
6) A 4-year-old will ride a lot more rides than he did the year before, and get upset when he isn't tall enough or old enough to ride things that some adults can't handle.
7) What should be a 3-4 hour trip takes between 5-9 hours with a hubby who likes to make lots of stops, while his wife sleeps in the (HOT) car, and make a detour on an hour-long cave tour.
8) You know you REALLY needed that weekend get-away-vacation when you actually feel RESTED and RELAXED upon returning home from the following: having a 4-year-old's feet/elbows/head/knees/etc in your face/ribs/back/etc all 3 nights, while you have the worst cold/sinus/allergyjunk you've had in a couple of years, only stopping to sleep at night, chasing around a 4- and 2-year-old and keeping up with their parents, too....
9) Drum Roll....... Your job is about to get a whole lot sweeter!!!!! You're graduating in a month from driver/technician, to full-time technician!!! Yes, folks, I showed our potential new driver around most stops around town today. She kept saying "WHEN I start," which I take to mean she wants the job. She's coming back Friday, when I'll be going to make deliveries in one of the other towns an hour away. I'll still be doing some local deliveries, and occassionally possibly driving to the other town, but for the most part, I'll just stay in the pharmacy and get the medicine ready for someone ELSE to deliver!!
I'm feeling a lot better... I really stepped up the cold medicine and sleep yesterday on the way home, but I usually stay sick for 1 or 2 weeks when I get this junk... I didn't really **feel** sick until yesterday, but that could be because I had been busy chasing after 2 little boys all weekend! This weekend starts the Birthday Party Run that will last until the week before Christmas.
Last.... I keep losing the SAME 5 lbs. I generally do pretty good during the week, then by the end of the weekend, I'm close to where I started... Of course vacation weekends don't really help, especially when I am within walking distance of my favorite ice cream shop that has completely shut down in our state.... At least 2 birthday party weekends this month, and several in Oct, Nov, and Dec, not to mention the 2 weekend trips in Oct, PLUS all the family get-togethers in Nov and Dec..... Something's gotta give!!!! ;)

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Not adopt? Are you kidding?

Okay... Granted I had to talk/sing/yell to/at myself to stay awake during deliveries today... And eventually just gave up skipping lunch and got a :) meal to keep myself awake for the longest stretch of road back from one town to the next... And have accomplished NOTHING in my house or packing for a weekend trip because I took a "short nap, 1 hour MAX" which turned, of course, into sleeping about 4 or 5 hours.....
BUT... I feel much more at peace with things on the adoption front. I inadvertently found some blogs from (relatively) local people who have adopted older kids from Ukraine (my second country of choice, with the first being Romania, but that's closed so not an option). Next time I start that crazy talk, please remind me that I only need to find some adoption blogs and read them like crazy to remind myself why it is so important that we do all of this!! I think that I think we should start out with younger children (an infant would be ideal, but I'll take toddler!), but remembering what happens to these older children when they are NOT adopted really makes me want to just skip the baby years. And trust me, that's saying a LOT, when you know how much I absolutely LOVE babies. It's just not fair for your country to expect you to go from orphanage life to "Hey, you're an adult now, figure it out yourself... Here, have some change to start your new life!!" at the age of FIFTEEN or SIXTEEN.... Even if you were a "good kid" as I was, do you remember what you were like when you first started driving a car? Yikes.... My heart hurts for these poor babies that are just thrown out to the dogs and usually nobody cares what happens to them. My little pal Denis could be living on the streets right now for all I know... All I know about him now is, when I get the urge to pray for him, I don't care WHAT I'm doing, I stop and PRAY like crazy. Gosh, I love that kid. I miss that kid. He had such potential, and I can only pray that somebody, ANYBODY in Ukraine will recognize just how bright a young man he is, and just give him a CHANCE....
Sigh.... Trying to get to bed earlier than 4 am tonight.... Then between 5-5:30 this morning, the fire radio started going off like crazy, for a crap load of downed trees froma ll the rain. Honestly, Fay, I am thankful for your rain, but PLEASE go away and you know, make room for the NEXT hurricaine already!! I DID see a bit of blue sky here and there today, both literally and figuratively.
Mentioned a weekend trip... Hubby and I are going with my older sister's family to Gatlinburg for the weekend. (Tough job being the fun aunt, but somebody's gotta do it!!) I was wondering how I would make it through until October, when we have a Fri-Mon trip to Gatlinburg one weekend, and a Fri-Mon trip to Panama City the next. I ****really**** need a break. So, there's cleaning and packing to be done.... Tomorrow evening, assuming I get off work in time, I'm supposed to be going visiting with our Wed. night church crew, so I'm gonna ***try*** to get up when hubby does and clean some house or get some clothes together or something. Gah, we're leaving in practically 2 days.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

I guess you could say that one of my biggest fears through all of this is suddenly going "Oh look, honey, we're in our 50's, and we never adopted any kids..." I try not to think of it, and often shove it out of my mind as quickly as it comes, but in the past couple of days, I've really thought about it. I mean financially, it just doesn't feel like we are getting there, or will get there very soon. Sure, we've made decent, significant progress on getting some things paid off in the past year and 3 months, but it seems like in the grand scheme of things, well, a lot of $$$ needs to be saved. His truck is less than $1000 away from being paid off, but then we will be buying me a car that is more reliable, since I do a lot of driving for work. So we won't be losing that bill, just signing up for it again.
But even beyond just the financial aspect, even as much as we both wants kids, I could see us putting it off and putting it off, until we're too old to keep up with the little munchkins. I don't want to ALWAYS be Aunt NotTheMama, as virtually every kid who KNOWS me calls me, but I couls see it happening. I don't really want to always have my house **this** quiet, but there are moments after I return home from niece/nephews/cousins homes or from being out in town, where I am glad to get back into my quiet little house. Don't get me wrong, I'm usually making more noise than the kiddos, it's fun that way..... But I also enjoy the quiet. Maybe I'm just not accustomed to it, because my older sister says she doesn't really hear kid-racket! ;)
And then there are times when I think I like the routine (or lack thereof) we have set up around home. I don't have to stop reading blogs because the baby needs something to eat. If I want to sleep in, I do. I only have to get myself ready to go somewhere. I don't have to find a babysitter for funerals and weddings and showers and such. But those are all very selfish reasons for wanting to remain a family of two. And I would give up my routine and quiet house for a baby when the time finally comes, without a doubt. Sometimes the quiet is TOO quiet. Sometimes I would much RATHER be trying to calm a screaming baby than read of yet another woman's misadventures in trying for baby. I am in awe of how moms do it all. They keep their house cleaner than mine, and take good care of their kids, and go to ball games and plays and concerts and manage to go to work, too.... Honestly, some weeks if the laundry all gets washed but stays on the couch, I feel like for that week it was significant progress. But with a baby crawling around, you can't really just NOT sweep the floor because it will take away from your blog-reading time. You can't really leave those dishes for another day, because baby NEEDS those bottles NOW. The ominous Yellow Room (extra bedroom / storage room) can't be left open when a toddler could fall and cut herself on that mirror we just HAD to have, or empty all those Christmas decoration containers.
Sigh.... I'm beginning to think that whole "three-year rule" is in place because it will take me that long (or longer!!!) to actually get my house organized and a set cleaning routine established!!!
Thanks to Jbeeky and Ellen for your comments. :) Yeah, it really would have been quicker to postpone marriage until after I had adopted as a single woman!!! And Ellen, my hubby has Klinefelter syndrome, or XXY, and as a result, his body likely doesn't produce any sperm. We are thinking about an SA, though, just to "prove it" even though the doctor just laughed when I was freaking out a couple of weeks before our wedding about our chances of getting pregnant on the honeymoon. I can laugh now, because obviously that didn't happen and I was flipping out for no reason!
Ugh, my thoughts are just all over tonight!! I had a brother and sister in the classroom tonight, waiting on their mom to take them to preaching. The brother (1st grader) asked me if we had any kids. The sister (age 4) piped in and said that we needed to have some. Then the brother got this confused look on his face and said, "Did y'all EVER have any kids????" So cute and funny!!! I later found out that they had been talking at home about how some people just don't have kids. Their mom explained that it was kind of like their grandparents not having kids, because their kids had grown up and had kids. So those poor kids are thinking that our kids are already grown, I guess!! Or that we just got tired of them and kicked them out! It really doesn't bother me at all for kids to ask questions, because they are just innocent and really want to know the answer. They are not trying to be nosey or rude or pushy, they just really want to know why we don't have kids, when everyone else does. And right now, for this moment, I am doing better with everything.... There were several visiting newborns/babies at church today, and I was completely fine with holding them ALL. We went to see some friends who have a 2-week-old baby brother for their 2-year-old son, and I really and truly enjoyed visiting and holding that tiny little boy!!! No threat of tears at all. AND we had a family reunion yesterday, and NOBODY asked me when we were having kids!!!! There were, in fact, NO questions about our future children, AT ALL.... It was very nice to just be able to relax and play with everyone else's kids and hold their babies, without trying to dodge questions and bite my lip to keep the tears at bay.
Okay, this is getting long, and very scattered.... And that laundry is just about done, so it's off to bed!!