Monday, May 25, 2009

Where have I been? Entertaining Body Cast Boy!!

A week ago yesterday, my almost-18-month-old nephew fell while playing in the nursery at church. Here is a list of other nephews I thought would brek a bone first, and why...
**The Little Monkey, my older sister's middle child, who will climb on anything and everything. He also acts just. like. ME... Perfect, of course! :)
**The Big Dude, my older sister's oldest boy, who is just rough and tough and bigger than some second graders, even though he'll just be in Kindergarten in the fall.
**The Little Loner, my younger sister's son, because he isn't wathced closely enough, and likes to wander and get into things.
**The Newest Baby, my older sister's youngest, probably because the above mentioned 3 either fell/stepped/jumped on him (by accident, of course), or when he was older, they told him to do something or they would call him a baby.
NEVER did I EVER think the First Broken Bone award would go to hubby's sister's kids, The Princess Niece or the Handsome Prince, as they are the calmer of the 6. However, the HP is in a body cast, from just below his chest, to his ankle on his right leg, and just above his knee on his left leg. The boy needs entertainment, and can only be put in his "fat baby" car seat (which cost $500!!!), which he's not very fond of, because you have to strap him in it. The Princess informed me one night that it was time for the two of us to have some alone-time reading books in her room.
So, I have been busy. Not at home, definitely not blogging. Cast comes off June 17. No promises I'll be back till then!
Oh yeah... And I did finally get a new car. It's an '09 H..onda C))ivic. Brand new, not because I refuse to buy used, but because it was about $2,000 more expensive than an '06 with 19,000 miles. Not much payment difference for a new one, eh? I love it!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Well... I made it.

M-Day is over... I did go to church, but only because I felt like our pastor's family needed some support. I slept in a little, skipped Sunday School and a lesson on Hannah. I made myself go to the worship service, and I did so-so until my niece and s-i-l got up and sang a special. I went into robot-mode through the sermon, as it was pretty much on how to be a good mother (and wife, but mainly mother)... Then it was rough again at the end.
Our church is so good about praying for each other. At the end of a service, if someone is facing a new cancer diagnosis or upcoming surgery or illness or whatever, everyone gathers around that family, and we take turns praying. If you're a contemporary Christian fan and you've heard Mark Schultz's Cloud of Witnesses, that's a perfect picture of our church. So we gathered around our pastor this time, and his wife and all of the family that was present. There was not a dry eye in the place. Our pastor and his wife are both so incredibly strong. They are just leaning on Jesus through this, trusting God to heal her, either in this life or in Heaven. It makes me want to slap myself -- comparatively speaking, what I'm going through is nothing.
However, pain is pain, ya know? It's been a rough week so far... We didn't really have any peft-over food (darn it!) from Sunday lunch, but I've had plenty of left-over emotion to deal with. And the fostering classes we were considering? Not gonna work out right now, they wanted to do the classes in the early afternoon, and hubby can't get off work. Another bummer, man, and I'm just trying to hang on.
But I guess it's like he said this afternoon, apparently God is trying to tell us this is not what we need right now. I'm getting weary from being told "Wait," or "No," or "But/Except" everywhere I turn. I know God can move the obstacles out of the way, but sometimes He leaves them in place, too. To teach us to trust, to wait, to be patient. And so, the waiting continues...

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Happy M-Day, if it applies to you... If not, have some 0re0's

...That's what I had for breakfast. Yeah, good weight loss plan, ya think? ;) I followed it up with 30 minutes of w!! fit, does that count? (Not even close... I had more than a couple cookies) Hubby is at some bluegr@ass all-day concert thing, b/c the fire dept was cooking for it. I could've went, it's about 5 minutes away from home, but I'm hiding out this weekend. I slept in, got online until the puter froze, did some w!! fit, and here I am again. Wedding for a church-person starts in about 15 minutes or so, I'm not going to that, either. Church plans for tomorrow are still in the air. I know we'll be eating one meal with my parents (and sisters and b-i-l's and 4 nephews) and one meal with his parents (and sister and b-i-l and 1 niece and nephew), and I'll smile my way through it and play with kids and fake it 'till I make it. With plenty of chocolate, mac&cheese, and other comfrot foods. Bring on the w!! fit for about a million minutes.
I'm wallowing, okay, I admit it. And maybe I feel kind of guilty about that, in light of a slap in the head to bring on a new perspective.

We found out yesterday that our pastor's wife is dying. Her cancer has come back, and is basically taking over her body, with the exception of about 2 organs. They've been told to enjoy the time they have left. She's such an awesome lady, and I hate to see this happen to the whole family. Both daughters are grown with children, and thinking about the youngest of those babies not ever knowing their grandmother tears my heart out. I don't even want to think about losing my parents, but I know that eventually that day will come.

So that kind of yanks perspective back into its proper place. I'm not dying. I'm not sick. I will eventually be a Mama somehow, someday, some WAY.

It seems like that should help, that should get my butt up OFF this chair and OUT of this house, but the thought of having to put on my happy face and pretend all is well, just isn't happening for me this weekend. I'm not up to facing the questions, the comments, the recognizing-of-mothers. I think I'll stick around with my 0re0's.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

364 days from now...

...We will be able to submit applications to adoption agencies!! It feels good to finally be able to say "less than a year from now," if only to myself. It's just the little boost I need to get to work on this house. I'm even thinking about posting some before/after pictures as we make some progress on de-cluttering this little place. Depends on how long it takes, because we DO still live in the dino-land of dial-up... But living where we do, there aren't really any other (affordable) options. I'll take that :) Even though faster surfing would (theoretically) mean more time to get our house ready for little ones... You know, since we're less than a year away from home-study-central! :)

Monday, May 4, 2009

That's Better......

So... AF lets me know she's coming with a horrid migraine. She now lets me know she's leaving (like I didn't already know, she's usually very predictable, darn it) with a MONSTER migraine than makes the horrid migraine feel like a... a... something-you-barely-feel. Sorry, it's that post-migraine fog that keeps me from focusing or thinking (or seeing) straight. Big words (or even proper words at all) go right out the window. So how am I feeling chipper after an all-day, 4-excedr!n-migraine monster?
Yes. I did.
As in 4 wheels on each foot (because I'm way too old-school for the in-line kind), do-the-wipe-out, skating... And while I actually sat out on the wipe-out song, I must say I did have one good wipe-out. Oh, I didn't just fall... I ROLLED across the floor AFTER I fell. Like a tumbleweed. All 100-and-none-ya-bidness-pounds of me just rollin'....
The kids from church went, mostly the 12-and-under-crowd. Mostly my girls' class I (help) teach (mostly on my own now) (without knowing in advance I'll be by myself) (which means I come up with a lesson, well, when we get to class) (but I'm not bitter at all about the other teacher not even calling to let me know she's not coming) and the boys' class of the same age. And Niece got to experience skating for the first time. And well, let's just say my dad raised 3 girls, so we were his boys, too, and we're all three a tad bit competitive. Just a little. Which explains how I fell. And I kicked some air hockey hiney, to boot. Yes, put me in the same space as 12-year-old boys, and I become.... well, a 12-year-old boy, minus thr gross sounds and smells eeking from their bodies.
NOW..... Yes, I do indeed realize that I will pay for all this fun and acting like I'm 12 again tomorrow... In fact, I hurt already, in places I forgot could hurt. But it was fun. And I won. And I laughed and smiled more tonight than I have in a long time.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

I definitely should NOT get rid of this blog...

Ugh. I'm just so d#$% sad, and I can't shake it. I know it's some combination of AF, next week's holiday, all the kid-birthday-party-weekends we've had recently, all that jazz. Our anniversary is in a few days -- we're just close enough (12 months and 3 days, not that I'm counting) to kind of get the adoption ball rolling, but not close enough to really do any paperwork. Deciding on a country? A lot can happen in a year. The foster thing, so far, isn't working out, because not enough people in our county were interested.
I've had 2 pieces of some awesome chocolate cake @ my m-i-l's for lunch, and 2 scoops of B&J's chocolate fudge ice cream, and I still managed to get tears in my eyes on the way home. I want to cry... I want to just lay down and have a good, hard cry, like I used to have before all this if-crap started. Oh, I was a crier in elementary and high school, and somewhat in college. Then over the years, something has happened through if-land. I now react in one of a few ways... I zone out, just staring into space and ignoring everything around... I bite my lip until I practically (hey, sometimes literally, okay?) run to the restroom, where I stay until either everyone leaves, or I get angry and force myself to calm down, find my happy place, and just deal with it until I can be alone.... Or I run away -- run(literally) home from the church during a shower, disappear out a back or side door, slip away to my car and quietly leave.... Or I shut down any and all emotion, get really quiet, attempt to brave a smile when needed, and promise myself I can cry later, when it's more convenient. All very good, healthy coping mechanisms, huh? (NOT!!!!!) It seems that I have now made it to a point where somehow, "later when it is more convenient" never comes, because by the time "later" arrives, I've basically just went into shut-down mode.
Looking ahead to next week's Sunday School lesson... It's on Hannah, focusing on the vow she made to God -- that she would give her son back to God, if only He would allow her to bare a son. My mind immediately goes to Hannah, focusing on how she was so deep in her grief, that the men thought she was drunk as she prayed and begged God to bless her with a son. Why don't I let people see my emotions more often? I'm tired of giving these flippant answers and excuses when asked why we haven't started trying to have kids, or when we're going to start a family, etc. Why, instead of "We're just not ready yet," can't I say "Well, that's not really happening so easily for us!" Or instead of "I'm too busy playing with 6 niece/nephews to have my own," couldn't I say "I keep myself busy with these awesome kiddos, because we can't have our own, and we can't adopt for another year." When I'm asked why I quit singing in the choir, instead of "I just needed a break," can I not say "It just hurts too much to look out and see all the families and little kids sometimes." It would be a perfect opportunity to open up and share about our struggles and our plans to adopt, during this lesson next week, but will I instead find myself staying at home avoiding it, or running to the bathroom or running back home?