Wednesday, December 7, 2011

And then, I got over it

Just in case you were wondering, no I didn't go over the edge. After a good way-over-due cry, I had a much better day. People need help, plans change. Yeah, it stinks and it hurt my feelings, but I'll live. One day, it will be my turn.
That being said... My mom and I happen to be taking vacation days the Tues and Wed after Christmas. I told her last night that she is MINE for one of those days and I.Will.NOT.SHARE. With anyone ;)
We'll see if that works out in my favor!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Just Once...

Just once... I would like to be SOMEone's top priority, just because. Not because I'm the only one who can keep their kids, not because nothing better came along, but just because they think I matter more than fill-in-the-blank.
Just once... I would like for someone to call and ask what help I might need, not to ask for yet another favor.
Just once... I would like someone to tell me I'm doing a good job, or even an okay job, instead of only calling when there is a problem.
Just once... I would like to go out to eat with just me and my mom, instead of our date being crashed, or cancelled altogether, because of other people's kids.
Just once... I would like for someone to call me back when they say they will, instead of waiting for me to call a day/week/month later because there has been no response.
Just once... I would like for someone to do what they promise, when they promise.
just once... I would like for someone to not freak out when I say I'm not putting up a Christmas tree at all this year.
Just once, I'd like someone to understand instead of condemn me for doing/thinking/acting/choosing differently than they would.
Just once... And it doesn't have to be the whole list in the same week/year/decade.
It would just be nice to hear someone say, "you matter. Period." Just once. Is that really too much to ask?

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Thanksgiving Thoughts

Really, so much to be thankful for. The usual- God, family, friends, a job, a house, my car has been repaired and we will pick it up this weekend, our relatively good health, etc.
It's bittersweet. I pray that my children are fast asleep somewhere safe, or perhaps peacefully in bed, falling asleep to the comforting sounds of their foster mother bustling around the kitchen. I pray that next Thanksgiving Eve, I'm busy taking little ones back to bed, that next Thanksgiving morning I am snuggled on the couch with them, watching the parade on tv in our pajamas.
I'm thankful we're as far along as we are- took a fellow blogger's advice and we called the state ourselves to see where we are in the process. We're so close, and will find out exactly "where" we stand sometime next week.
I really am thankful. I left work, ran to the store to get the last 2 items, went to choir practice, and hubby washed dishes for me when we got home. I have 6 (or was it 7?) casseroles assembled in the fridge, ready to throw in the oven, 1 pan of brownies and pasta salad ready. Great family, awesome friends... How many people are so loved they are pulled in 4 directions for 2 meals? I mean, if that's our problem for tomorrow, what is there to complain about?

Tuesday, November 8, 2011


Hubby and I went to clean out my car tonight. Last night, after hearing it might be totaled, I was rather frustrated. I was happy with my car, we are still paying for it, and our goal was to pay it off, then buy hubby a truck. Having only 1 vehicle payment is a lot nicer than 2... Working out logistics for 2 working people and 1 car stinks.
Tonight, I have a new perspective. I didn't realize just how bad it was. Had we been going any faster at all, I might have had the whole windshield in my lap, not just tiny fragments. Our repairman said it hit closer to the roof, rather than full-on windshield, and that kept the deer from coming in on me. He also said the airbags should have deployed- which would have meant more injuries for us both. Hubby had a bottle of water up to his mouth on impact, and I was reading something on my phone.
Less than a year ago, we buried my uncle after a horrific crash. We spent several days at the hospital with him. That smell, those memories... Wow.
My hubby helped me clean out my car - not the clothes from our room. I have a cut on my pinkie that isn't looking so great - not multiple broken bones. Last night, my mom baked my birthday cake - instead of someone bringing her food to the hospital and making her eat it. I cleaned out my fridge tonight - instead of laying in bed (or worse) and letting someone else do it.
It truly is all about perspective.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Oh, Deer!

I turned 30 today. Just so happens, it was also Season Pass Appreciation Day at S*ix Fl*ags. Hubby and I loaded up late last night and drove over, so I could both sleep late, and enjoy the day.
As we stepped in line for our second roller coaster, and walked right up to the loading dock, I thought, "I want to turn 30 every year!" Rather chilly, but so awesome to not wait in line for 1-2 hours. They closed at 6, so we were gonna grab some supper and get in early. Some g*oogling and gps'ing was taking us to a bbq restaurant we have close to home, that we knew would be yummy.
We're 6 miles away, driving on a dark, busy, 5-lane road... BAM!!!! Out of nowhere, our windshield just explodes! On my side... Hubby did an awesome job keeping us steady, maneuvering through traffic to the side of the road. I look up and see something pointing at me. I thought something came through the windshield and stopped inches from my face. Whew, okay, that was just the visor.
We both determine we are okay, and are trying to figure out what in the world just happened. I have tiny pieces of glass all over my clothes and hands.
This guy knocks on our window and tells us a truck hit a deer, and he saw the deer then hit our car and go flipping through the air. He was kind enough to stay with us until the police arrived.
It took a good 20 minutes or so for the police to find us. We had no clue where we were, I could only give them the road name based on the gps. He said we couldn't drive home, because the windshield was too damaged. He said we would either get a ticket, or the windshield would collapse on us. He did allow us to drive on to the restaurant to wait for a tow truck, since hubby could still see fairly well out of his side.
My car? I don't even care. It can be fixed. Or we can get another one. Aggravating, for sure, but hubby and I work near each other. He will have to go in early, and I will have to stay late, but we're okay! Can't say washing my hands felt good - several small scratches and cuts, but wow. The tow truck driver said we were very fortunate the deer did not totally break through the glass. He worked another wreck where that did happen. The deer did not die on impact, and it kicked and kicked through the glass, seriously injuring one of the guys in the car. Hubby could've lost control and slammed into the other traffic. It stinks, but I told him - maybe that was saving us from something worse happening further down the road.
So, 30 has started out with a bang - quite literally! I'm hoping for fewer deer, but more excitement. Namely good news from the state.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Dumb, followed by torture

I couldn't help but roll my eyes when I saw the title for this year's Christmas cantata for the adult choir. If there's one Christmas song I could place in a box and hide away from the rest of the world, it would be M*ary Did You Know... (Sorry, Mark, it's just a difficult song!)
If you don't know, that song is written "to" Mary, the mother of J*esus, asking her if she knew her baby boy would do the things He did and be the thing He is. You should definitely g*oo*gle it, but get a tissue handy first. I'll wait...
So that's the title of our musical this year. Of course, MDYK is in it. Tonight, for the first time, I heard the song before MDYK, which is a solo... Written from the perspective of Mary. "Mommies and Daddies" are the first stinkin' words, and the song talks about imagining what your child will be when they grow up, and who would imagine He would be a King?
In my mind, I crossed my arms over my chest, stomped my foot, and said "this is a DUMB song!" Really, it's a good song, and I like it, but it stings. I long to hold my children, to meet them and know them, so I *can* have dreams for them. I managed to keep the tears away. Even though I started thinking about how a few months ago, when we started practicing this music, I was still thinking I might have to sit out because I could be holding my babies*. It doesn't look so likely now, and Christmas morning has the potential to be painfully quiet and very sad. But I didn't cry.
Then we started singing MYDK... I tried really, really hard not to cry. It's not just the words, but the feelings and thoughts that song brings with it. It's torture, really, for me to try to sing it. At first, I thought it would just be a few tears I could easily wipe away. Yeah, except not. I quietly left the choir loft and went to the bathroom.
It's not the first year I've struggled through a musical. I just thought it would be soooooo different this year.

*I guess, technically, it could still happen. The optimistic side of me is holding out hope. The realistic side is trying to prepare for another quiet, childless Christmas.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

It feels wrong...

So, as we continue to wait, I continue to think and dream and pray. As we get (hopefully) closer to an adoption placement becoming our reality, I get more specific... Except...
Except it feels soooooo incredibly wrong to pray for TPR. It's a necessary step to make our kids become our kids... But I'm having trouble getting excited over it. Think about what a drastic change, and for so many people. No parent wants to be told their child is being permanently taken away. No child truly wants to leave Mama and Daddy, I don't care what that sulky teenager says. And yet, we are waiting for that very thing. I do believe if someone were to come to me and tell me they were taking my children, the first phrase out of my mouth would be something like "over my dead body!" And yet, I am waiting for that to happen to someone else. It feels wrong to be excited.
Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins... I do hope that we can maintain some kind of contact with some family member, but it's a game-changer for all of the above. They are losing someone they love. Little friends at school or church or wherever, who will grow up and one day wonder what happened to that little boy or girl...
And for the children... Yes, they will be coming to a "better" home, with more "suitable" parents, and smothered with hugs and kisses and lots and lots of love... But they will also be saying good-bye to family, friends, and an entire life - the only one they've ever known.
Everyone else is giving me nothing but excitement and happiness, but there is a part of me that realizes the brevity of the situation soon facing our children. Change is good, but change is hard. They don't call them growing PAINS for no reason. Any other adoptive moms feel the same?

Sunday, October 23, 2011

With a Consultant

Hubby happened to run into our SW one day last week, while he was out for lunch. He said it kind of surprised him to see her, so he didn't ask her all the questions I probably would have, but she did mention that our study is with a consultant. So now, the SW is just waiting to hear back from the consultant.
Hubby was correct, I have several other questions! Looks like I will be stalking a local grocer where our SW holds a second job. ;) It doesn't hurt that their meat is cheaper than my usual big box store that carries everything. I'm wanting to know if I should hold on to my few remaining vacation days this year. I have a very specific question for her that we aren't really sharing with much of anyone just yet.
Every month that passes means our babies get a little older... They've been in the system a little longer... While I hope and pray they are in a loving FH, another month may mean more abuse, neglect, pain, bad memories. Another month away from Mama and Daddy. Another month closer to Christmas...
But really, overall I'm in a good place right now. The last couple weeks have been okay. Staying busy usually means I don't have time to dwell on the waiting, and there has definitely not been a shortage of things to do! I think I have cooked supper at home exactly once in 3 weeks. One more week of baseball for our oldest nephew, and we should have a little while before basketball starts up. Thankfully, those games are all on Saturday, so we should have a few week nights open again.
And now, I'm rambling... This bed sure is warm, but I really should be in the shower. Our pastor got married on Thursday, rather unexpectedly, so I'm sure it will be an exciting day at church! A nephew has a birthday party after. I'm not really sure, but I may be expected to start teaching again tonight, and I have no lesson... The busy-ness continues!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

No News... But here are some books i read growing up!

Yeah, there's nothin' to report. All is quiet. But since I haven't posted since the end of September...
I was commenting on an author's blog, about my favorite character, and it brought back a lot of other characters I "grew up with" when I was little. So, let me share.
**ram*ona qu*imby... Yes, pretty sure it was the whole middle child thing. I wanted her to be real, so we could chat, and so I could be her friend.
**the girls from the Gi*rl Talk series. My mom understood my obsession with books, and even though we likely couldn't afford it, she signed me up for the book club. I received 3 books (a month? A few times a year? I don't remember)... She would have to hide them from me so I wouldn't read all 3 books the day they came in the mail.
**Ironically, the Box*car Children. I wanted to bring them home with me and let them be my brothers and sisters.
***Goo*sebu*mps. Even though they freaked me out, even though a few terrified me... ME, the scaredy-cat child who jumped at her own shadow...
If I had "my own" money, you can be sure I was buying books. In college, I would easily spend a paycheck on books.
Of course, now I have other things to spend money on, such as a house, car, etc. I don't have as much time to read. One day, though, I hope to instill that same love of books in my children.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Where were we again?

Oh yes. We were waiting. With sketchy details.
Well... We're still waiting. Thanks to a friend's connection, we found out it was indeed finished X weeks ago. Which, according to my calculations, means we "should" hear something by Y holiday. IF X + Y does NOT equal Z, we should hear something by holiday Q. So between Z and Q, we should know we have been approved. Confused yet? Me too.
An aquaintance of a friend is trying to find out more info, and possibly help us out a little. Which makes me want to lean towards Z holiday, which happens sooner than Q, but last time that magic date was delayed a couple months, so I kinda don't wanna get my hopes up.
So emotional... The tears, the blank stares, the desire to just stay home. It's safe to say I'm coping a little less well. I'm gonna make it, it's just not real fun. Holding on to the light at the end of the tunnel, praying it's not a train, but tensing up all the same.
I'm thinking about a lunch date with some local people. 2 ladies from church, a pastor's wife from another local church, who all have adopted. I just need to be with people who speak my language. Who "get" why I'm so on edge, who don't bat an eye at my crazy emotions, and understand that I wasn't **really** crying because my husband was late to a pl*ay he and I were in at church. I need to be with people who have waited and survived.
And finally, I just remembered... Today is the day I was supposed to go shopping at the ki*ds cons*ignment sale. Because we were supposed to know something by now. I should have been hanging out with my sisters, having a good time. It's probably just as well... AF is a jerk, and I had to take mu*cin*ex D this afternoon. Where's that chocolate ice cream?

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Explanation, kind of

Hubby talked to the supervisor Friday. We got some kind of news - I wouldn't exactly call it an explanation. Sketchy information is a bit more accurate.
She apologized, said she meant to call. (So why did she not call?) She can't remember exactly when she received our study (according to SW that was 2 days after our last visit, 2 months ago), but she thinks it was about 3 weeks ago (which, just in case you didn't know, is way less than 2 months)... She didn't get to look at it right away, and she doesn't really know the exact day she sent it, but she overnighted it. (Shouldn't there be some kind of record of what was sent on which day?) She will email the office it went to and make sure they received it. (But didn't tell hubby she would call back or let us know if/when it was received. But we can call and "bother" them anytime. (Okay, there's something I can live with!)
It can take "up to 2 months" for the state to approve. And even then, it doesn't mean we should expect any news, because we could face a looooong wait for the age we requested. (Not the "unofficial" story we were given! Or the "official" story given by another supervisor!) We should consider FC for those ages if we want it to happen quickly (um, kids stay in FC for a while before they are eligible to be adopted, and there are no guarantees). Hubby said the rest of the conversation included the word "foster," approximately every other word. FP's are great. Don't get me wrong - there's always a need for more FP's but that is just not what we were called to do!
I am curious to speak with our SW and get her take on this. I have some "unofficial" questions that would require "unofficial" answers. Someone is not shooting straight with us - but at this point, we have a sketchy "new" timeline. Of course, not knowing whether our study was overnighted 3 weeks ago or just this week, and "up to 2 months" doesn't really pinpoint a magic date or anything... But we do have some frame of reference, we do have a window of time that we "should" hear something. This feels familiar! Bureaucracy stinks!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Frozen, for only the millionth time

It's survival time. It seems like every time we hit a roadblock on this road to our children, I shut down. I can make it through work, albeit a bit quiter than usual, trying not to bite off any heads. I get home and I'm done.
We still don't have any news. C'mon, tell us **some**thing! Death in your family? Sickness? Something wrong in our paperwork holding it up? Just overwhelmingly busy? Misplaced? Buried under other paperwork? Waiting for our medicals to expire? Something else? Just some kind of explanation would be better than none at all!
Do I need to hang on to vacation days this calendar year? How long will it take to be approved once we are actually submitted? I have other questions too! I just can't ask them yet, "officially."
I'm really trying to hold off on all things snarky. The Mama Bear is really wanting to be unleashed, but for now hubby is handling all phone calls with much more diplomacy than I could muster.
What are our children doing while we wait?

Thursday, September 15, 2011

The Prophetic Fawn

So earlier this week, I had to stop in my road for a fawn and her Mama. It's kind of hard to see on my road in the mornings on my way to work, and at first I couldn't tell what kind of animal was standing in the road. Mama quickly bounded across the road and over a fence. I stopped for Fawn, while she decided what to do. It was both sad and somewhat comical! The poor little thing followed Mama, of course... Bounded across the road, cleared the ditch - and smashed into the fence. Got up, jumped the ditch - and crashed into the fence. Got up, crossed the ditch - bam, stupid fence again! Finally, it stood up, looked around, and ran away from Mama to the woods on the other side of the road, but only hesitantly.
Poor little thing just could NOT make it. Little did I know.......
We knew we would eventually adopt even before we married. BAM- gotta wait 3 years. Okay, let's get rolling - BAM - jump through these 5 million hoops, and put a rail on your steps and hide your laundry detergent and make your house more secure than Fort Knox. Got it, done, let's get going again! **BAM** It will probably take a couple of months to be approved, but things should happen quickly.
And so, I waited. V.e.r.y patiently. Uncharacteristically patient. I was determined not to make a phone call, not to drop by our worker's second job just to check on the status of things, I was gonna give it two months, confident things were moving along. Half expecting to hear from her before the 2 months were up. Yes, I had momentary lapses in patience and calm waiting, but I was really, really GOOD, and lots of people told me so.
And that freakin' fence just won't move outta the way. Our worker did her job. The more we work with her, the more I like her. Hubby called today, at the two month mark. She completed our home study TWO DAYS after our final visit. TWO DAYS!!!!! Complete with a checklist that she went over and checked off so that her supervisor would simply have to sign and submit to the state. Which apparently takes at least a couple months... Bam! Bam! BAM!!!!!! Our worker has reminded her several times that she only needs to sign and submit.
I have several theories as to what is holding this up. The one I really want to hold on to is it's just not time. I have said all along - it will happen when it is supposed to happen. God's got this. On my way home, after my sweet sister-in-law distracted me with a trip to W*alm*rt, I was praying. And I told Him that I know He will bring my babies to me when the time is right - no supervisor or friend or circumstance will stop Him - My kids will be HOME, not a minute too soon, not a second too late.
So I will not do like the little fawn* and run away scared; I will stand firm and keep waiting patiently. It will be so worth the wait.

*which is not to say we do not have other plans if this does not work out. For now, though, we wait.

Friday, September 9, 2011

I'm doing it again...

I swore I would NOT go back to Ki*ds Mar*ket unless I knew FOR SURE what sizes of clothing I would need. In about 4 hours, I need to be up getting ready to go drop off clothes with my sister.
Our shopping day is close to the end of the month, but the public sale extends into next month. I may or may not know anything by either sale. I'm prepared either way.
By going tomorrow, I "reserve" my spot to shop early - while the good stuff is available. IF I know anything. It will be worth it.
If I don't know anything, then it was just some sisterly bonding time, and someone else can have my ticket to shop. I am prepared either way.
Meanwhile back at the ranch, I am daydreaming of meeting my (still hypothetical) child(ren). Clear as mud?

Monday, September 5, 2011

I should be nesting....

But I'm not! It's a rainy, yucky, CD-1 L*bor D*y. Hubby and his dad made plans for an outdoor event, that I quickly decided should be father-son bonding time. We still haven't heard anything, nor do we expect to just yet. We have a date marked on our calendar, when we will call and find out what is going on.
I vacillate between all kinds of feelings these days. Quiet, peaceful waiting. Desperate, tearful prayers for protection. Curious as to what "they" are doing on this tropical-rainy day. we have made small purchases - a shirt for each, based on faith and guessing what size we might need; some new bath toys; and I just HAD to buy some yummy dr*eft for their laundry.
I would say it's all just a guess, but it feels like so much more. In ways I can't yet explain, I feel such a connection to these little people I've never met! We haven't been "guaranteed" two children, but I feel it in my soul. We definitely haven't been told sexes, but I see us with two sons. We requested ages 3 and under, and when we browse the clearance section, both of us seem to return to the same sizes. We don't know if they will be pastey like us, or brown or chocolate or somewhere in between. We haven't made drastic, major purchases, but we are taking small steps of faith.
I wonder what it will be like for them. A strange house, another set of different, weird grown-ups to get used to, different food, toys, beds, friends. Ours will be at least the fourth house they have lived in. Will they trust that it's their last move, that we are their forever-parents? Will the oldest be bored, will the youngest cry for hours as a stranger attempts to comfort him? Will their New Mama be a total spaz, crying buckets and scaring the crap out of them?
I look forward to weeks off work, focusing only on our new children. Lots of playing, sticking close to home, trying new meals, hopefully getting some exercise! I try not to dwell on it constantly, but I do daydream of what season it could be, and what specific activities will be available based on the time of year. I'm holding those close to my heart for now, as if speaking them out loud will delay them further?
It's strange... Hubby and I have traded places, with him now freely giving information I am keeping close to my heart. For now, we are mostly dreaming.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

It's a rough life...

It's a rough life, but somebody's gotta live it! ;)
We're back to coasting. I've returned to patient and calm waiting.
Hubby and I had one of those extremely rare evenings where we both were home - with no company, no plans, and no housework that couldn't wait another day. (Kitchen is clean, laundry is okay for one more day, everything else can wait!) My only goals were to clean out my car, and prepare an order for my p*amp*ered che*f party I had over a week ago. I did both! We also watched an entire movie on a work night.
The only down side is we are both different degrees of sick. I am getting over this cold or allergy attack or sinus infection or whatever, but hubby is just starting.
So I'm still looking at the calendar, still counting the days, but in a much better frame of mind to deal with it. Enjoying these days, because soon enough they will be long gone for about 18 years! ;) It's a rough life, but it'll do for now!

It's a rough life...

It's a rough life, but somebody's gotta live it! ;)
We're back to coasting. I've returned to patient and calm waiting.
Hubby and I had one of those extremely rare evenings where we both were home - with no company, no plans, and no housework that couldn't wait another day. (Kitchen is clean, laundry is okay for one more day, everything else can wait!) My only goals were to clean out my car, and prepare an order for my p*amp*ered che*f party I had over a week ago. I did both! We also watched an entire movie on a work night.
The only down side is we are both different degrees of sick. I am getting over this cold or allergy attack or sinus infection or whatever, but hubby is just starting.
So I'm still looking at the calendar, still counting the days, but in a much better frame of mind to deal with it. Enjoying these days, because soon enough they will be long gone for about 18 years! ;) It's a rough life, but it'll do for now!

Monday, August 22, 2011

Just admitting it...

I admitted it to myself somewhat a few days ago... But tonight, I admitted it to another person.
And it turns out, just admitting to someone else that you are suddenly stressing out about something totally beyond your control - takes a little of the edge off.
Of course, creating order in your kitchen and catching up laundry doesn't hurt. Ah, there are a couple of things I can definitely control.
And it helps that I did some reading that told me what I'm feeling is normal and natural, and I'm not really losing my mind.
Buckle up, it might be a bumpy ride!

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Patience and Peace

That has been the theme of this wait. People have been amazed that I am so calm and so patient and so peaceful. No, we haven't heard from our worker, and no, we haven't called her to see what the heck is going on. She said it would be a couple months, so I'm trying to just wait and be patient and maybe keep my calendar FULL so I'm not sitting around thinking too much.
I know they will come home at the right time, when *all* of us are ready. Maybe before this year is out, maybe not. Ringing my hands and making myself a nervous wreck will not bring them home any sooner, but it will make the wait a lot more difficult and miserable. This also isn't the first time I've surprised people with my laidbackness, if I may make up a word... I was totally zen about our wedding, too, because hey, it's only ONE DAY, and no matter what happened, we would still be married at the end.
That's not to say we don't have our moments. Last night was one of those.
Patience, peace, and waiting all went out the window! For whatever reason, I just needed my babies home NOW!!! I wish I could tell you every last detail, but for now I can't... But the last time I felt like this, there was very good reason for it! Call it mother's intuition, I suppose. I can only hope they are currently in foster care. I can only hope they are in a loving foster home, not being subjected to further abuse and neglect. I know several foster families and children, and there are some awesome, awesome foster parents in this world. I hope my children are with one of those families... And I hope that if any of them are reading this, they won't get offended. Because THANK YOU so much for taking care of my baby while I can't. You are doing an incredible job, and words can't express how much I appreciate everything you are doing for our children! But last night was one of those nights - nobody can love you like your Mama. My kids need to be HOME with their Mommy and Daddy. I need them to be home.
All of that nervous anxiety was taken care of with some prayer over their safety - guarding their hearts, shielding their eyes, covering their ears, to name a few - and some awesome worship music in the car. I don't even know how my radio got on that station. It's not what I was listening to the last time I was in my car. But just what I needed.
Hopefully, last night was a blip in the radar screen of peaceful, patient, quiet waiting. Hopefully, the wait will soon end. But if not, I have some pretty stinkin' awesome ways to deal with it!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

New Territory!

Ah, yes... We're finally in new territory! Sure, we've made it to "hurry up and wait" in the adoption process, and - for now - it's a good place, but I never knew just how much relief would come with this stage.
I went to a baby shower this week, and for the first time in forever, I was NOT running off to the bathroom, or sneaking out the back door to go home early so I could cry in private. The only reason I had any tears in my eyes was because this is her first baby since her mom died, and she was upset that she would have to buy her own new pajamas. (She doesn't - several of us were thinking about just that, and she has several new sets!) I can't tell you how much relief it is to be able to just **BE** there.
I can confidently browse the baby aisles in stores. Without tears. Without getting mad and stomping off. Without thinking (or saying out loud to myself like a crazy person) "Who would want this dumb crap anyway?" We have made our first (very minor) purchases for our children, but we're not going crazy just yet. For one, we don't really know for sure what age/sex/size. Or how many. Or how long the wait might be. But... We are looking and shopping around! With no tears!
And... I am almost Mama, y'all!!! I mean I "am" Mama, just missing my kids, but I'm starting to FEEL like a Mama. I'm slowly getting to hang out with my Mama friends. They're including me more as a peer. I mean, they have always been super nice and sweet and all, but up until now, I've been mostly That Girl Who Plays With Our Kids And We're Glad They Really Love Her And We Can Chat While She Takes Care Of Them... Now granted, I only claim to be a grown-up when it's convenient for me, but it's nice to be *treated* like a grown-up, *by* other grown-ups. I'm a big kid, look what I can do. I can wear big-kid pants, too. Oh, wait... That's pull-ups. ;)
These are just a few of the welcome changes we are experiencing. Sure, I am a bit more emotional, and I cry at different things now... But happy tears are so much better than sad or frustrated tears. I'm at a good place right now. I don't want to get overly excited just yet - some of our family are handling that job rather well - it's a cautious, guarding-my-heart-but-dreaming optimism. We are really doing this!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

I would be a terrible crack*head... Or a really good one, depending on your point of view!

Hi, I'm NotTheMama. (Everybody say hi) I am a recovering Dr Pep*per and Mtn D*ew drinker. I am currently struggling to consume only ONE bubbly soda per day - down from anywhere between 4-6 or 7. Cans. I really really REALLY struggled to not grab a can outta the fridge while doing some late-night cleaning. I had one and a half today.
I'm struggling with afternoon drowsiness, crabbiness, and I'm pretty sure it's a sign of a big problem when your blood sugar is obviously in shock over the sudden decrease in that sugary goodness. Tomorrow starts the weekend. We are having friends over tomorrow night for lasagna and cards. Family reunion Saturday. Should I even attempt to stay on the wagon? I'm guessing I'll end up diving off, forget falling!
Tonight was also the first time hubby or I have eaten out all week. Even for lunch. Unheard of! I spent less than 5 bucks at Su*bway, with my parents.
Just stepped on the scale. I weigh a little less tonight than I did in the morning at the beginning of the week. Would love to lose 30-40 lbs. Wow. Can't believe I let myself get in this shape! :(

Monday, July 25, 2011

Cleaning Strike 2011 is over, and more!

Yes, The Great Cleaning Strike of 2011 is officially over. Tonight, my kitchen is spotless, my LR and DR are mostly tidy, the shower stall floor has been scrubbed, and the laundry is more done than not. A coupla loads tomorrow evening, and I'm done with that for the week! Hubby is pitching in - tonight, he dried and put away dishes, cleaned off the table, and put his shoes away. That gets him a gold star lol ;)
I for real have got to lose a LOT of weight. Yeah, I watched myself on video tonight, from a month or two ago. I was totally disgusting. Time to start stepping on the scale everyday, and stop eating so much.
I'm probably meeting up with a fellow blogger tomorrow. The handful people I've told, have made me promise I'll let them know when I get there, when I leave, what I'm wearing, etc. Sheesh. And I hafta call or text them when I get in. (For the record: I've read back over a year. I'd say it would be more than a little difficult to be consistantly making crap up for an extended period of time. And we're meeting in a public place, and please give me a break!) I will humor them and no, I haven't given my address or phone number or hometown even my real last name.
There's some stuff in store for Wednesday night that has the potential to be pretty exciting. Thursday, I will probably be grocery shopping for Friday evening - we usually go eat Mexican with friends on Friday nights, but this weekend, we're bringing the party to our house to play cards. One of our friends requested lasagna, so I'm hoping to get as much prep-work done Thursday. Saturday may be free, but I'm thinking about a trip to GA to a fun little place with 6 fabric rectangles on poles. Sunday morning, I'm filling in for the 4YO-K class, Sunday night is a special night of local kid choirs performing, and I'm kind of hoping next week is a bit slower!
Keeping busy is a good thing for now...

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

We're done!

:) And just like that, we've reached the end!
I would love to tell you more, but there's not an incredible amount to tell. She went over some forms, we signed some different forms, she looked at the rail and checked out the rooms, and gave us some information, and we were done. Now, we wait! :)

Monday, July 18, 2011

T Minus 15-ish Hours Until Final Visit

Dear "Just" Adopt Morons:
I have been cleaning for the past 8-9 hours. After working my usual 8-hour shift at my "real" job. Please bring me a dull, rusty knife so I can use it to "just" dig out your eyeballs. KThanksBye!
But for real - our last visit is tomorrow! I have just sat down to eat my brownie and have my itreallyisnoneofyourbusinesssixthorisitseventh soft drink of the day, so I could take some nap*roxen for my screaming back and foot. I'll stop tomorrow. Wait, maybe Wednesday, since I'll kind of need to stay conscious tomorrow.
Whew. It's been a long year! I probably will not at all relax until after she leaves, but starting around 5:30 tomorrow, my plans are to play, eat, play, relax, eat, and collapse on the couch for the rest of the week. I shall wash dishes, and I might could be persuaded to do a load of laundry if I really was pushed into such nonsense.
Oh yeah, and the closet door broke off the hinges tonight. As in, the door itself is broken. The door to the closet. The closet where we hid all the crap that doesn't really have a home.
Eh, well, all our dr*ugs are locked up, my laundru detergent is safely locked away, and we even still have most of the outlet covers in place. As long as the rail doesn't fall off the porch or anything, we're good. (Note to rail: that was in no way a challenge - please stay where you are)
Next time I talk to you, I will probably be stinky from playing with a niece and nephew in the park, instead of furiously cleaning. Special thanks to my mom, older sister, and sister-in-law for helping us get this place ready!!!!
Now, SLEEP!!!

Saturday, July 16, 2011


Baby Niece just left the house, and right after, hubby walked in with lunch! Now I could really stretch out on the couch and take a nap. But I.will.NOT.
Why? Because I love my children. I may not be able to protect them from whatever they are facing this weekend. I may have to just rest in believing that someone else is taking care of them tonight. But what I *can* do is clean the bathrooms, organize the toy room, clean out the kid room, and get my house ready for the last step, hopefully in the next 7 days. I will spend the rest of the day doing the things I CAN do for my children.
What a difference a week makes!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

I Might Miss His First Birthday (Or, I've really lost it, someone call the psych unit and reserve me a room)

So, instead of cleaning, organizing, cooking, or flippin' washing the dishes, I'm watching tat*too shows on t*l*c. Not sure where the fascination comes from, but I must admit I kind of want a tat now. And L*A I*nk is totally coming on again in a few weeks! YES!!!
So I'm sitting here, half watching these people learn the trade, and half reading random blogs. Because I don't have my final home visit next week or anything!
I ran across a blog post of a baby's first birthday, and it made me cry.
I might miss my baby's first birthday! Now, we did say age 3 and under, so you would think that wouldn't be so surprising. I guess I haven't really thought about it until now. I was totally okay with not changing diapers in the hospital. The possibility that we won't need bottles is fine with me. A walking, talking toddler? Sure, bring it on! I've never really thought about missing the first tooth, or the first steps, or a million other firsts, but none of that really brings me to tears. We/I had been talking about international adoption for so long, I knew there would be lots of typical "firsts" we witnessed with our nieces and nephews, that we would miss with ours.
So, why *this* milestone? The only thing I can come up with is it marks the end of the baby stage and the beginning of the big boy stage. I guess for the first time, I'm realizing that I may never know my child as a baby. And it makes me a little sad.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

The Waiting Room

I feel like I'm perpetually stuck in the waiting room.
After some surprisingly quick work on the county's end, hubby will not be able to leave work early any this week. So, next week? Maybe.
And I'm paralyzed again. So much I needed to do yesterday, but I spent the day on the couch, reading, eating (because that really helps my expanding body), and mentally blocked from cleaning out my room to get rid of all those clothes I haven't been able to put on in years.
It hit me again - this realization that my baby(ies?) is (are?) out there somewhere. It was Saturday - if not in care yet, were they being hit, burned, abused, ignored, fending for themselves because nobody else was around? If in care, were they being loved, held, played with, maybe even spoiled? Hurt there too? Instead of moments of rubbing my belly, knowing my baby is safe and cared for, and being able to control exposure to tobacco, alcohol, and drugs, I am left to hope and pray, and possibly find out years down the road!
I had a dream last night that I was called and given a time and place to be, where I would have the opportunity to "hand-pick" my child. I got there, and there were 8-9 children crammed into a small Sunday School-type room. They were all over the age we have requested (3 and under), the youngest was 6, and I wondered why we were even called... But at the same time, I sat down to play with them, and tried to imagine myself with any or all of them. Then they brought in one baby, probably around 9 months old, only to tell me he had already been adopted.
I'm ready to meet my baby, already! I woke up yesterday slowly, to a quiet house. Immediately I thought it was too quiet! I'm ready to wake up to giggles and squeals and even cries. Soiled sheets and morning pukefests and gallons of milk on the floor and sharpie toddler art on the wall? Bring it. Just don't let my house be too quiet for much longer, please!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

And we have progress!!!

As in, the worker called our references today! Then called us to say she wants to set up a time to follow us home from work one day to do our last visit! I'm shooting for one day next week.
I've been soooooo good about not getting my hopes up and playing the "by this time next year" game, but I can't help but think... Are things moving so quickly now because they have a child/children in mind? Is this the "normal" pace? I suppose we'll see!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Observations... Or, Shopping with Baby

Observation #1: Whoa, it's sooooo different to shop with a baby! Fun and enjoyable and made me very happy, but there's a bag and a kid to keep up with. And it required 2 trips back inside the restaurant, to get the pacifier I dropped under the table, and have someone fish my debit card out of the trash. Then I left it in the car at the store!!! Aaaahhhhh!!!!

Observation #2: If we get an infant, who is still in a rear-facing carseat, a taller car is in order.

Observation #3: "Strolling" through the mall with said baby will wear you out, especially if you leave her seat in the car and carry her.

Observation #4: Eau de BabyPuke is a genuine, free fragrance that will not wear off or fade away for many, many hours.

Observation #5: Why is it that I couldn't just say a simple thank you when someone commented on those blue eyes or sweet grin? It was so fun to walk through the mall and daydream about doing that with mine... But almost every.single.time. someone asked a question or made a comment, I just had to throw in that I'm just the aunt! Must admit, though, it was almost always because I was bragging that she gets to go to church with me tomorrow, and I was looking for a cute, festive dress.

Observation #IForgetWhich#: it is next to impossible to find a festive dress, size 0-3 months, the weekend of the holiday. "We" (as in I, as 5-month-olds really only care about food and attention) found ONE 6-9 month size sailor dress in the whole town. No other R,W&B to be found! :(
Observation #Last: After a full day of baby crying due to teething, and 4 little boys busy playing, and about 50 grown-ups having a fish fry at my parents.... It is soooooo nice to come home to a quiet house. I hear only the hum of the air conditioner, and summertime bugs outside.

It was a super fun day, and I'm a very happy, tired girl. A verrrry sleepy girl, who is looking forward to an uninterrupted night of sleep, so I can take care of the little girl and her 5-year-old brother again tomorrow. A girl could get used to this!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

July is Tomorrow!

I can't really say the First of July has ever made me want to celebrate! Sure, there was the year I spent the week of the 4th at summer camp - that was awesome!
But THIS July? It marks the beginning of the end! Which will bring about a new beginning!
It's going to be hard to *not* watch the phone, to *not* beg hubby to call the worker who is supposed to come for our last visit. I want to get this last visit scheduled and DONE.
And holy crap, we need to clean house!!!!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

She's having her fifth.

Child, that is. My best friend from high school. The one who doesn't even have custody of her oldest child. The one who will have 4 children ages 4 and under. The one who throws the older ones off on her mom every chance she gets. The one who does good to just take care of herself. I spent snack time at vbs feeding a 2-year-old, holding/feeding a 5-month-old, and trying to eat my spaghetti, surrounded by women talking about pregnancy and babies and planning for the next baby like I plan for my next day off. Honestly, I made it fine feeding the three of us, and I was glad for the distraction it created so I didn't feel like I had to participate in the conversation.
And this, my friends, is what happens when I start thinking I'm in a better place.* And when I try to cut down on soft drinks and snacks, because I stepped on the scale and it said, "You are disgustingly fat, please get off!"

*Which, I suppose I AM in a somewhat better place. I didn't have to bite my lip and run away from the lady who told me about my friend. And while I thought I might cry on the way home, I'm more just disappointed.


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Another Adoption Box Checked Off, AND it's VBS Week!

Another box checked off! Yesterday, hubby and dhrlady finally connected. She could interview him yesterday during lunch and me today at 4.
At FOUR. VBS starts AT SIX. THIRTY MINUTE drive to our church. Hubby's interview lasted TWO HOURS. I had to buy some supplies. You do the math!
It's another box checked off. Just a simple hour of sweat rolling down my back as I answered questions such as, "what is your first memory!" Whattha... How do you remember what exactly is your first memory?!? Seriously, it wasn't that bad - just honestly answering questions about family dynamics and such. Kind of like the ol' annual exam, not something you would choose for funsies, but you get through and you're done!
So as I was driving, my mind did it again. "By the next" is a dangerous game that guarantees "next fill-in-the-blank" will not be fun. Before I was outta the parking lot, it was "by the time vbs rolls around next year, I will be busy with my child, NOT teaching a class!" I made myself stop. I turned on the vbs cd, and got distracted by bi-bi-bi-big apple adventure music, and loving Jesus more than ice cream, and a rap song about the ABC's.
It seems like we might not be waiting an incredible amount of time. Nobody has said as much, but the you-are-getting-a-kid-soon-vibe was sooooo strong. But if we have to wait, then we have to wait, and that will be okay too.
The only other things left are our last home visit, gathering a couple of proofs of insurance, and waiting. She will come out in July for our last homevisit, then turn everything in to the state! So of course my mind goes to, "this could SO happen by the end of the ye-NOOOOOO!!!!" "Ye-ye-ye-ye-yes to v-v-v-v-b-s!!!!!"
Because right now, distracting myself from "by the next" with teaching other peoples' children about God is exactly what I need....

Monday, June 6, 2011

Stretched Thin

I'm feeling stretched rather thin these days! I know it's a decent misperception, but I'm kinda feeling like I'm the only person doing anything, anywhere.
I know that's not possible, because I obviously don't work or live or attend church all by myself. At work, we're barely getting things out the door on time, and as time-crunched as we are, there are bound to be more errors. That *I* get phone calls about and have to fix. And I swear nobody can look anything up for themselves, I have to stop what I am doing and answer questions they could easily answer just by looking in the computer. Am I also the only person who can pick up the stinkin' phone when it rings?
At home... I realize I work fewer hours than hubby... But I still work over 40 hours a week... But guess who is in bed right now, and guess who is waiting up on laundry? It would even make a difference if he was doing more *outside* work, but do his parents really need to mow the grass?!? I mean I'm glad they offer and are able to, but c'mon... I'm trying to clean UP and OUT, room by room, and keep things in order. I'm not the only one who contributes to the mess, but it seems like I'm the only one contributing to the WORK.
Church is busy... VBS is next week, I was asked to teach a class this time, and I usually am just a helper. I'm about to start teaching on Sunday mornings again. The Bible study I was getting to participate in on Sunday nights has kind of fallen apart, but I realllllllly honestly don't want to start teaching again. I was also asked to help with the Wed night children's summer program after VBS. I like teaching, I like kids, and I love teaching kids... But wow, could someone else step in and HELP?!?
Nieces and nephews have become very needy again. I love those kids, and if it's been more than a few days, I'm running to their house to see them... But it seems like they all need me at the same time.
So it's easy to see why I'm just ready to pull my hair out, or run away, or something. A deserted island where nobody needs me for anything, and people serve ME for once... A girl can dream, right?
So sorry... I don't mean to gripe, and I don't really hate life as much as it seems. I just need to be needed a little less. :( It's hard to keep filling others' cups when you're all poured out youself!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Got another blog for you!

I have another one to share with you! How did I find this blog? I do believe I came across it while searching for yard-rolling stories. Why was I g.oogling such a subject? I teach children at church. They like to roll yards. They like to roll my yard. They LOVE it when I take them to roll someone's yard. 'Cause I'm cool like that, to take my church girls to do something slightly illegal. (We almost always have permission) I say almost because if you roll my yard, I assume you are BEGGING for me to come roll yours - better!
This blog is written by a writer/teacher. She writes a lot about, well, writing, and life, and tells some hilarious stories! So go on over to and read and come back.
I love it when she talks about "just" writing a book. Does that not sound like familiar advice? "Just" adopt. "Just" get pregnant. "Just" adopt, THEN you WILL get pregnant! "Just" relax. My reaction to "just" depends on my mood. My first reaction is an eye-roll and a "sure, whatever!" Sometimes, I want to educate (roughly 8 percent adopt-then-conceive, and it really depends a lot on the diagnosis); sometimes the best response is no response; and sometimes, I just smile and remember what that blind ambition and cheery optimism feels like. Refreshing to hear that someone thinks it so simple! Whatever the reason for advice beginning with "just," it's never as simple as it sounds... Any seasoned professional, no matter how positive, no matter the subject, laughs at "just!"
I think my favorite part of this post was next. "Nobody owes you anything." Now I want you to go back and read the paragraphs, starting at "we all want something," and ending with "even when we don't see it that way." Sometimes we feel entitled to something, but we're really not. Sometimes we can make things happen, other times we can only pray.
Isn't that so true? I'm gonna speak for myself for a minute. I know it's easy for me to think some people don't "deserve" a child, and I absolutely do! Not often, but it's still there. That young dad who broke BOTH arms of his 4-month-old child? My best friend from high school who, due to a sickness resulting in a brain injury, can't take care of herself, much less her kids, but keeps having more? The mom who doesn't put her kids first? The parents who ignore their kids all the time? It's easy to think that they should just hand them over... But I'm not entitled to other peoples' children just because it's impossible for me to have "my own" kids.
I also can't "make" adoption happen. I can complete classes, answer all the questions, put those darn plastic covers on all my outlets, double-lock all medicines and cleaning supplies, make it impossible for our friends and family to open our doors leading outside because of those little doorknob things, and jump through every.single.hoop. necessary, but in the end, it's not up to me. In the same way all the trying in the world can't "make" me conceive, all the prepping in the world won't "make" me adopt.
Whew. I'm obviously a lot more wordy than my writer/teacher/blogger friend, but that's what I took away from her latest post. Now be brave, and leave me a comment to let me know what *YOU* are reading! ;)

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Random bullet points

Crazy times. Bullet points it is!
*short trip - We spent the weekend in the mountains with my parents. With no children! Love them, but when none of them truly "belong" to you, sometimes it's nice to have some grown-up time. And it was awesome! Lots of good ice cream, no agenda, changing plans on a whim all weekend. So relaxing!
*work - is crazy. I enjoy a long weekend a few times a year, but the catch-up craziness almost makes it not worth it! :/ And our fax machine stopped working over the weekend! We have, in the last couple of weeks, fired one, hired one, and been short-handed (and therefore behind) during the turnover. Throw in some crazy demands from our home office, and more days than not, I'm ready to just walk out. However, that's not an option, so I'm just making the best of it.
*house - is cleaner in the past 2 days than it has been in months! Laundry is relatively caught up (washed, dried, folded, AND put away, yo!), with only a couple loads left. ALL dishes are washed, dried, *and* put away, all my kitchen counters are cleaned off... We came home last night, and my plan is to set reasonable goals daily, and do just a bit more than I had planned. Last night, I planned to straighten the living room. I did that, and washed up a few dishes while I was waiting on some clothes to finish washing. Tonight, I planned to cook supper, finish the dishes, and keep the living room clean. I also cleaned our smallest bathroom from top to bottom, and cleaned off an extra counter. Not sure what will happen tomorrow night. I need to go to church, I need to work on VBS stuff for later this month, I need to keep on this cleaning streak so I don't start falling behind again. I want to see my nephews and nieces. I'll probably be exhausted, seeing as it is after midnight and I would normally have been in bed for at least 2 hours by now ;) Goals are good!
*adoption - is still... Holding on! Hoping to schedule this pesky last home visit that continues to not happen. Hoping for the end of June? Really wanting to get approved and hurry up and wait. I know it will happen when it's supposed to happen, but I want to be doing something proactive to make it happen.
*more - I'm sure I had more to say... But it's late, I'm tired, and I just heard the dryer shut off. Time to finish it up and get some sleep, preparing for another crazy day!

Monday, May 23, 2011

Role Reversal

Usually, during the week, I get home several hours before hubby. I have time to relax before cleaning/cooking (on the rare days I actually get to come home, and we get to STAY home - usually niece/nephew ball games, baby-sitting, etc keep us gone), and I'm up and moving until bedtime.
Hubby usually comes home in time for a late supper and a little time to relax before bed. I try not to say anything, because I do have *more* time at home.
Tonight, I fixed supper - cheated, too: had some chicken casserole mixture in the fridge, only needed to spoon it into a bowl, spread some ground-up crackers on top, drizzle with butter, and pop in the oven.
That is all. I worked an hour and a half later, had to go buy some stuff on the way home, and got in about 3 hours later than usual. Not feeling the greatest, and otc meds don't really so the trick. Hubby came in at his usual time... So far, he has started dishes, put in some clothes, and took supper out of the oven.
You can just call me the slacker wife. ;) I predict I will feel better in a day or two, and... Not cleaning house, because I just found out we will be watching softball tomorrow night, and baseball Thursday night. :)
Hopefully, we're leaving the state for the weekend, with my parents!

Monday, May 16, 2011

I just need to blog about my friend!!!

I could tell you how dumb my job is right now, but I read a blog post last night that made me smile, and did my heart so good!
Meet Ruthie. (Everybody say hi) She and I and her now-hubby worked together at a summer camp several years ago. I don't even remember how I ran across her blog, but she has two beautiful little twin girls. She tells the funniest stories about them, and she writes just like she talks - she's hilarious! ;)
I think I've mentioned the tragedy our state experienced a few weeks ago, when we had some record-breaking tornadoes. Last week, Ruth wrote about perepective. Sunday afternoon, I was waiting for my baby cousin to wake up, and I was clicking through some blogs I tend to click through in my spare time.
Ruth had posted again, and it was her last paragraph that reached out and grabbed me in a huge bear hug. My favorite part was where she acknowledged those of us who are moms, but don't have our children in our arms yet. Go on over to and then come back.....
!!! I wish I could say that it's not the exception to the rule for someone to see me as a Mama. I wish I could say that rolling eyes and weird looks were not the "norm" when I talk my kids. The truth is, aside from my blog, I've become extremely selective about just who I talk about it with. Mainly just immediate family and a select few close friends who I KNOW "get it."
It's something so simple. Just one little comment in a whole big post about being thankful for what she has. But those little comments really mean so much! In a world where people facing infertility or being childless NOT by choice are segregated and even looked down upon, it is so comforting when someone can reach over the huge divide and simply validate the way so many of us feel!

Friday, May 13, 2011

Clean off the couch, clear your mind

Okay, so maybe that sounds like a drive-thru psychiatric clinic, but whatever, it's Friday! ;)
Weeks (and weeks) ago, I went through my bedroom and gathered jackets, sweatpants, velour jogging suits, various winter parphenalia - and washed and dried it all, and dumped it on the couch. Where it stayed.
And stayed.
And stayed.
Because I was never home, too busy running from niece and nephew ball games, church, grabbing a "quick" bite to eat, buying groceries, you name it. I made time and energy to wash clothes, but then I picked through the pile that threatened to overtake our living room, instead of folding and putting away.
That changed today. People can SIT in our living room now, in multiple places, on BOTH couches.
I always forget just how awesome it feels to get everything in its place! It really takes away so much stress, it really clears my mind. I can sit on the couch and bask in the blissful blankness.
For about 5 minutes. Then I moved the latest round of washed-dried-and-flung-in-an-empty-corner laundry to the living room.
But that just means I have a clean CORNER now, so that's still progress, right? RIGHT???? Whatever. It's Friday!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

What Drives Me Crazy

***Some people can call in sick, or "hurt" for as many days as they wish, when truthfully nothing is wrong. Others literally can't stand up due to pain, and get harrassing phone calls asking if they like their job and want to keep their job, before they even get home. Care to guess which group I fall into?
***My house is a wreck, but we have "stuff" planned for every.night.this.week, and now I'm baby-sitting a 13-year-old and 4-year-old for the weekend. Because they are girls I love, and they need some positive adult attention! And I'm a big sucker. I don't mind any of the things we are doing (attending ball games, teaching at church, singing at a funeral), but I seriously need to FINISH laundry, dishes, cleaning floors, etc all at the same time, instead of leaving clothes on the couch for weeks, and oh the dust bunnies.
***But what is really driving me nuts right now? People who want to solve our infertility. Hate to break the news, but if several doctors and all of my g.oogling can't solve it, chances are Random Suzy can't suggest something we haven't considered.
And yes, there are limited things we **could** technically attempt. TESE with ICSI with IVF for one. We could try DI for an "easier" attempt. The first one isn't right for us for a lot of reasons, only a couple of which are it's not financially do-able, and one of us isn't exactly jumping to get in line for biopsies and needles and stuff. The second one could be rather simple and much more affordable, but for a whole different set of reasons, not for us, at least not at this time.
What drives me crazy is that most people can't just accept that adoption is what we are doing. If I had cancer, people wouldn't say "But wouldn't you much rather just have an appendectomy instead?"
Because it really is very simple. Almost all of the time, I do not feel like I **hafta** experience pregnancy or give birth. It's just not something I NEEEEEEEED to do. Some women DO feel that need, and that is fine and perfect and natural for a lot of women. But I absolutely feel the need to nurture and mother and adopt.
When I get to the end of my life, I almost always feel that if I look back and say "I never did get pregnant," I will be fine with that. But if I am laying on my death bed without ever having adopted, without ever having been Mama, I will absolutely feel regret and like I totally missed what I was supposed to do, like I failed those who would have, should have been my children. And that is why we are choosing to adopt, not pursue endless fertility procedures.
Some things totally NOT driving me crazy right now: the ability to spend a couple of unexpected free hours relaxing with hubby, instead of frantically working... And Breyer's Smooth and Dreamy Dark Chocolate Velvet ice cream, with 1/2 the fat and 1/3 fewer calories than regular ice cream, AND extremely tasty!

Friday, May 6, 2011

It's Our Anniversary, and not my favorite day is Sunday

In a flash of genius... No, wait, that's not it.
Because I was thinking ahead... Uh, hardly.
It just so happens, I planned our wedding on 5/6/7. Hubby said I made it really easy to remember!
It was also the weekend before Mother's Day, but the two fall on the same weekend this year.
4 years. I can remember thinking we would NEVER make it to 3 years, that magic number where we had suddenly been married long enough to adopt. And now a year later, we need to schedule one more home visit and we're done except for the wait. (Don't think about how other people who were in our class already have their baby. It *will* happen when it's supposed to happen.) But we really need to get our house organized and get her back out PRONTO.
So part of me thinks it stinks that we will always have to cut short any anniversary trips to be with our moms, but part of me is glad I get a legit gift this weekend, as opposed to the (very thoughtful and much appreciated) pity gift I get from my sister. The one that always makes me cry, both because I'm glad she's thoughtful and recognizes that it's not an easy day, and that I'm still getting the pity gift.
Sunday I will skip church. I spent some years MAKING myself go, MAKING myself not cry, MAKING myself appear to be okay. Then last year, I decided it's just not worth it! I grew up in church. My mom played the piano, so we! Not Wednesday night, not revival, not prayer meetings, not funerals, we even went when she had to practice with someone else. If you were sick enough to miss church, then you didn't do anything else fun the rest of the day and were banished to your bed. We didn't really have a set curfew (be home at a reasonable hour, let me know where you're going), but if you couldn't get yourself up and be ready when Mama was ready, then you'd have to stay home on Saturday night. That is still ingranied in my head. There is no "just stay home because you wanna" at our house. Even when we'd rather not go back on Sunday night, we almost always do. But especially Sunday morning church (as if God is "more there" and keeping attendance then?), we just don't miss... We may not be at our church, but we ARE at church somewhere!
Ah, skip it! It's so... Liberating. It takes off a ton of pressure, I don't have to get mad at myself for trying not to cry (which only makes me cry harder), or try not to look upset when they are recognizing all the mothers, or answer questions about when I'm gonna be a mother. There are no looks of pity, there's just blissful, rare Sunday morning extra sleep. I leisurely get a shower and get ready to spend the rest of the day with our parents. And that is my mother's day gift to myself. :)
And finally... I picked out my anniversary gift tonight! It's beautiful. It was painted by a local artist. It has an infant sleeping peacefully, with a man's hand gently caressing the baby's cheek. The Bible verse is Isaiah 41:10, "I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
And suddenly, it's perfect that my fourth anniversary, when my baby is so close and yet so far, and mother's day are two days apart. Because I *am* a Mama, even if I can't yet hold my baby, but don't physically show signs of impending motherhood either. And what better place for my children than the hands of God?

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

It blows my mind: these kids weren't even born yet!

So, I took some vacation days to chaperone this trip some of my church girls were taking. We are at the same camp I went to *when I was their age* because apparently I've reached the age where I can say that... And these girls were not even BORN then. Yeah, let that one sink in.
So tonight was campfire night, held at a chapel named after 4 counselors who were killed in a car/train wreck. One of them had been my cabin counselor the summer before, and another one had been at the camp all 3 times I attended. It's great that their memory lives on, after such a horrific accident that cut their lives so so short. I've been a little busy to stop and think and remember that day, but I remember the couch I was sitting on when it came on the news. I knew it would be someone I knew, but I had a peace that it was not my *favorite* counselor. The first name they called was the girl who was driving. She was my cabin counselor almost exactly a year before. As only a 12-year-old-girl can, I immediately lost it, and didn't even hear the middle 2 names, but then that fourth one - there were 2 guys with the same first name, one was my favorite, and I never thought it could take so long to say a first, middle, and last name. I was glad it wasn't my favorite guy, but felt bad for being glad. Oh, and the anticipation during the commercial break when they were about to tell who was involved, I hope I never experience that nervous wait again.
It obviously was just not a good day, and while I still think of those counselors when I think of this camp, I haven't relived the memory of that horrible day in quite a while.
It just blows my mind that when all of the above happened, these girls in my cabin weren't alive yet. There are a lot of things about camp that are the same - there is the same structure, the same "big" activities, the same rules and cabins and trails and signs in the dining hall even... And yet it's totally different. There was less singing and skits, no sign of a guitar anywhere, and didn't the naturalists seem so much older when I was 12? Well, that part is probably not so much a change for camp as a change in my life.
I said I would work here one day. My parents made me work at another camp for one summer, before they would discuss "here," and well - I just never left that camp to come back here. And now, as a married, hoping-to-adopt-soon grown-up --- I regret that I didn't come back. Sure, I certainly enjoyed the other place, but this was where it started. This was a totally different atmosphere, and I let familiarity and a better paycheck keep me from here. I'm sure life would be a lot different if I had taken that path.
******* I hate that I've been MIA during NIAW, but it's kind of hard to read, comment, and blog about infertility with a 10-12-year-old looking over your shoulder!!! We go home tomorrow, but there will be catching up to do, and some ball games and stuff, so I'm not so sure I'll be around. Perhaps I'll jump back on board the IF blogging train soon?

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Ah, where to start? I'm getting ready to use some vacation days. I'm going to c*amp with some little girls from church, much to the relief of a mother and grandmother who realllllllly didn't want to go, and are paying my way because they trust me with their children. :) it's the same camp I went to when I was their age (am I really old enough to say that?!?), where I first learned to climb, where I fell in love with the summer camp life. Sigh. Growing up stinks! If I didn't have to have a "real" job, I would still be spending my summers working camps.
It's been a crazy-buzy day at work, and I have a LOT I need to get done in the next 2 days. We are supposed to be closed Friday, but I have SO much to do before I am off for 3 days!!! I'm thinking about doing my best and just leaving the rest - we're truly "caught up," but I was hoping to leave "ahead," so I wouldn't come back in "behind." BUT hubby put in for a vacation day for Friday, so we can hang out and go for a REAL hike, not just a 30-minute or 1-hour walk on the paved trail. Because I decided this week that uh, I need to get MOVING if this sits-at-a-desk-body is gonna keep up with 5th and 6th graders in the woods for 3 days!
So glad for a break from work, and you'd think all would be AWESOME... But in the (few and BRIEF) quiet moments of today, it's been a sad, teary kind of day.
Hubby's cousin was having a procedure today after finding out the baby she was expecting had died. Pure speculation on my part, but I'm thinking they didn't come by this pregnancy exactly easy or fast. So sad for her...
And it's holiday time! Reminders abound of look-what-you-two-are-missing. Grown-ups look funny walking into a children's easter egg hunt without any children. We didn't stay, hubby just wanted to walk in there to see our niece after church, but oh how I long to NEED to stay for those events!!! Sunday morning I'm in the nursery, which is good - I won't have to watch those after church family pics being made, I won't have to look down at all those precious little families and know there's an empty spot or two or three in mine. And Mother's Day is coming up. I'm once again making plans to sleep in during church, and hang out with our moms the rest of the day. It's really such a relief, a weight off my shoulders, and gets rid of extra stress - to just stay home and relax, instead of making myself go and attempting to stay sane and not cry.
So many thoughts and emotions! The realization that I've spent all these years holding back tears at church, but when we finally have our children, I will probably never have dry eyes, out of pure happiness. The sadness that another holiday, then another will come and go with my arms still empty, mingled with the urgency that comes with the knowledge my babies are probably alive right now. My heart breaks for hubby's cousin and another old friend in the face of their losses - I wish they didn't have to be in this place, know this pain. I want to be there for them, but not really sure HOW. The happy for them / sad for me that they probably WILL one day achieve and maintain and bring home a real, live baby that they conceived and gave birth to, and I will not. I'm usually okay with never being pregnant, but this is one of those times it just makes me want to cry.
Isn't it kind of funny? We haven't really shared our fertility issues with many people, out of respect for hubby's privacy (and that of his family)... And yet people know. Just last Sunday, I had a very sweet elderly lady at church apologize for something she said weeks ago about when hubby and I were going to have kids. I told her we were adopting, and forgot about it. Another lady told her we couldn't have kids, and this lady came back and apologized because she thought she hurt my feelings. It's so nice when people apologize, and try to make things BETTER, as opposed to running you in the ground a little more, rubbing a little extra salt in the wounds.
Sorry for the rambling post! Wasn't sure where to begin, but once I did, it just came spewing out... Now I'm not sure how to end!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Pardon the silence!

So my uncle was kept on the vent for 6 days. The Saturday after his wreck, the machines were turned off, and less than 2 minutes later, he was finally at peace. The funeral home said he had more broken bones and worse breaks than the hospital told us about. We were given instructions to not let anyone touch him, because of his broken neck and shattered face. We knew about his neck, and we knew he had a broken nose and cheek bone - but apparently his face was actually shattered. His wife is supposed to come home today.
So life is returning to "normal" but it's so strange. I get caught up in what I'm doing, then I'm like "Whoa - my uncle was killed by a tex*ing driver!" It's just so bizarre that we lived that - that I was shopping in the mall when I got the call, that it actually crossed my mind when I peaked in before the nurses made us leave that I might never see him conscious again, that we spent days in the tr*uma unit, that I actually watched as the tube was removed and he took his last breaths. Just bizarre.
in other news, my house is a wreck. We simply **HAFTA** get this mess cleaned up, so we can have our second visit, so we can one day get some children in this home! A week at the hospital, followed by funeral stuff, followed by the beginning of tball/softball season for our oldest nephew and niece. One day, my little babies - one day.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Prayers, please

Disclaimer: please excuse all @'s, *'s, 1's, and incorrect spelling - attempting to keep the g00gling family members away!!!
My uncle R, his wife D, and her son M were involved in an accident a couple of days ago. They were h!t from beh1nd, pushed into another l*ne, where they were h!t he@d-on, then h!t in the s!de.
M is fine, only a bro*ken f1nger, but he was dr1ving, so feels responsible, even though it was clearly not his fault. D has several broken bones (r1bs, hip, maybe ankle, something funky with the knee), and now they are taking a second look at her b@ck, she is having tr0uble breathing and they put her on 02 today. She was laying down in the b@ck se@t, and ended up with her le*gs in R's lap in the front!
R isn't so "lucky," if you can call it that. He WAS restr*ined in the front, but the @1rb*g was turned off. His breaks include but are probably not limited to: vertebr@e in neck & b@ck, nose, cheekbone, left @arm and/or elb0w in at least 2 places. Initially, he was very consc1ous, spouting off his injuries and room number and code, and demanding to be laid on his b@ck. He was bleeeeeeeeeding, they think from his nose, and it wouldn't stop. During that, he "p@ssed out" according to some, and "c0ded" according to others. (They DID call a Code for his room, hello - do they do that for someone who "just" passes out?) He has been sedated and on a resp1r*tor since late Sunday night. There are conflicting reports ranging from no response and only reflex1ve movement, to an 1ncre@sed he*rt rate at the sound of our voices and frowning/clenching when his various tubles in his mouth are disturbed, to it's too early to tell if it's brain de*th or dam*ge, to some combination of all of the above.
I'm exhausted. And sick. We were at the h0spital until 4am M0nday, then I got around 4 hours of sleep before working in a different ph*rm*cy than usual (my ant works for our s1ster company, and of course she was at the hosp1tal, so they made me work for her. I was only 10-20 minutes away from the hospital, so I went and we got home after midnight last night. I struggled through work today, trying to stay awake. Somewhere between another hospital last weekend (when another aunt was suspected to have a he*rt att*ck, but later found out it was ac1d reflux), this hospital this week, and wiping snotty noses at church Sunday morning, (and I'm sure the stuff that is blooming doesn't help, either) I have what feels like a sinus infection coming on. So tonight, I didn't go to the hospital, but my nephew had a baseball game... It was coooooold, but I couldn't NOT go to his game!
So now I'm in bed - this is the earliest I've been HOME to be in bed all week. Tomorrow night, assuming there's no major changes for anyone, I need to go to the funeral home... A teacher fron h1gh sch00l died from complications with leukem1@, after being diagnosed less than a month ago.
Whew. Lots going on! Please say a prayer for everyone mentioned above!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Shows they should let us film

Since my favorite "reality"-type show has yet to appear, and since my favorite channel is favoring hoar*dies and freaks making ba*lloon things and weirdos "saving" tons of money using coupons on a billion boxes of cereal over wicked awesome tats, how 'bout some shows "they" should REALLY consider?
***A Bachelor spin-off where a birthmom chooses adoptive parents. Or heck, maybe let older children decide who will adopt them.
***A Hoarder spin-off that shows the left-over fertility drugs in AnotherFailedCycle's fridge, or the completed baby room including diapers and ready-to-wear clothes behind a closed door for the girl who lost yet abother baby.
***Or maybe 19 Embryos and Counting! Watch next week to see if Suzy Q can produce more eggs than Michelle ever thought possible, and STILL manage to NOT get preggo!!! Keep 'em guessing, make the 2WW be in real-time.
***In an Intervention-esque special, all the infertiles surprise the new mommies with the shock and horror of how we really aren't interested in your latest 12-D ultr*asound pics, and horror of horrors, have the audacity to ask that you please talk about something besides baby puke and dirty diapers and not sleeping?
***Picture it: a race over the world to see who will find and obtain the cheapest HCG injections: the overweight bride-to-be, or the formerly-skinny infertile.
Yeah. I should pitch these ideas and see how it goes.

Monday, March 14, 2011

The Comment that Rubbed Me the Wrong Way

So I got caught up in The Bac*helor. Tonight was the fi*nal r*ose, and he chose who I wanted him to choose. BUT. But. But.
When his family met the final two, his SIL said something that rubbed me the wrong way.
His family was commenting on which one they felt he should choose. One of his sisters-in-law made the comment that E was a better fit with the fam, because she was already a mom, and you don't really "get it" until you become a mom. WHOA. STOP. PAUSE.
Actually, that's just what I did. I paused my tv, and gave the girl a piece of my mind. First, I know plenty of girls/women who have "became a mom," and TOTALLY didn't get it.
I read plenty of blogs written by barren women who "get it." MORE than "get it," actually! The ability to get (and stay) pregnant does NOT automatically mean you GET **anything** beyond less sleep and more (albeit positive) stress. Likewise, just because you can't get (or stay) pregnant, that doesn't automatically equate with not "getting it." Are there differences? Sure. It's a different lifestyle. Different responsibilities. Different goals, dreams, priorities, different CARS, for cryin' out loud!!!
Then my mind goes back to a post by Sara at a few days ago. She reminded me that I **am** a Mama. I forget the title of her post, but it was about praying for your children. For real, you should just go read everything - she hits the nail on the head on a LOT of things! I've been praying for my babies for years. I truly mean that -years. The very night I knew we would adopt, I started praying. For their biological parents. For God to protect my kids' hearts and minds and shield their eyes. For so many things - that's barely scratching the surface.
I am Mama, but I wish other people could see that. Of course not everyone "gets it." I suppose if you never had to wonder if you would ever have children, or if they came easily, maybe you didn't pray for them for years. Certainly there are women who faced no ferility issues who prayed for their children for years, or months, or days, before they were conceived.
But don't tell me I don't really "get it" because you do not SEE children who call me Mama.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Speaking Up

So we started something new at our church in the new year. We've had a w*m*u program forever (no, really - forever... It's a bap*tist thing, specifically sou*thern, if I'm correct), but it's mainly been an elderly thing for a loooooooong time. It's meant to be a time for the women of the church to gather and focus on missions. We have a growing, thriving women's ministry in our church, that only gets better as more of us get more involved and many of us share the same passions and burdens. Oh, I'm not saying I really "fit in" with the rest of the ladies. I mean, I'm not a mom, so that seperates me from all but one other "grown-up" lady, and she and I are not necessarily taken as "serious grown-ups." Which, granted, we don't really take ourselves extremely seriously, even though we're both in the medical field and dependable grown-ups in every way besides Mommy. I dunno, it's like if you've somehow veered off the expected path of the adult (because, y'know, there's only one path) you are somehow less of an adult, or at least not an adult to be taken seriously. But I digress, hugely!
Where was I? Oh yes. Women. Of all ages. Coming together, with similar minds and hearts and burdens and concerns. We meet once a month. (We have other, more-age-specific activities and Bible studies and classes the other Sunday nights) So the lady "in charge" of getting someone to do the devotion happens to be a 10-ish-year-old girl. One of "my girls," as in one of the girls I teach - one of those constantly hanging on me, wanting to just hang out with me and soaking up all the NotTheMama they can. I LOVE it. And I LOVE these girls! Every one of them! And I'm digressing and rambling again!
So yesterday morning, this girl "A" told me she forgot to ask someone to do the devo, and would I pleasepleasepleasePRETTYPLEEEEEEEEASE do it on short notice? Ha. Maybe she knows that my best lessons and classroom ideas are never planned, but things I pull out of the air at the last minute. Or maybe it's more that God takes pity on me and knows if I planned and made notes, I would be second guessing those notes, get all nervous, and not really say what I should anyway. As I digress again.
So I'm very comfortable and used to teaching kids. Give me one or 100 babies-to-teenagers, for 5 minutes or 3 hours, and all will be entertained and learning something. Adults, on the other hand, that's a whole other can of worms! We're talking moms of the kids I teach, and their moms, and THEIR moms! Some of these women remember when MY DAD was born!!!! That was more than 60 years ago! To say I feel underqualified would be a huge understatement.
What do you speak about when your audience goes from age 5-85? You speak what is on your heart. What is constantly and forever on my heart? Orphans. My babies. The "least of these" are my babies. I read a couple of scriptures that talk about God adopting us as sons (Ephesians 1:5 and Romans 8:15) So I asked several kids and adults what an orphan looks like. I got answers like dirty, poor, etc. Then I mentioned several orphans in the Bible - Moses, Esther, Samuel. Jesus. Me and you before we became believers. Adoption - a perfect picture of what God did when He chose me to be His child. And I finished with James 1:27 - pure and undefiled religion is to care for orphans and widows - and that it doesn't just mean adopting literal orphans... We're also supposed to love and care for ALL of the "least of these," including the smelly kid at school, to the grown-up every one else tries to avoid.
Which worked out wonderfully well, as the big topic of discussion was beginning a food ministry. To serve those who need food, for whatever reason - from too poor to too busy to too sad - and minister to them and/or bring them to God.
I have received lots of compliments and "we're praying for you"'s and such. I was told I was very confident by one, and "I could never get up and share my heart like that" by another. Honestly, I never saw myself doing that, either, but I can only say it was a God-thing. The oldest lady in the church choked back tears as she told me she was praying for me, and said she's been meaning to call my mom and tell her how proud they all are of me, and what a great job my parents did raising me. I say that not to brag about myself, but to say look what God is doing! Oh if you only knew how far God has brought me! Truly from despair and depression and thoughts of su*ic*ide, to THIS. What a might God we serve!
There's quite the paradox developing... The closer we get to putting faces on these children, the harder it gets to not have them with me; but it gets easier and easier to talk about them, to tell other people about them, to share with the world how God has revealed to us He would grow our family.
I feel like I'm transitioning into a "real" grown-up. And I'm doing so among a number of women who encourage and support me, and are sososo excited about God's plan - not only for my family, but also for our women's ministry, our church, and our community.I'm so blessed to have been planted in this community at birth, and this body of believers as a young adult. I cannot wait until he plants some young babes in my care, under these ladies!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

It's Noon on Saturday...

... And I'm still laying in bed. I woke up and read for a while, then fell asleep again. The only reason I'm getting up now is b/c I'm starving.
You see, there ARE advantages to **not** hearing the pitter-patter of little feet early in the AM!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Wait. No. Not yet.

Wait. No. Not yet. I'm weary of hearing those words. I'm ready for green lights and go aheads. My sister sings this song that says when God says no, there must be a greater yes. I'm trying to wait patiently, and be content with where we are right now, and serve Him while I'm waiting.
Right now, though? Right now I just want a week off. To rest, relax, and just BE.
It's been a weird week.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

My Biggest Fears

Because there are some things going on right now that I don't want to blog about until I can wrap my head around them... Because I haven't even talked to my husband yet... Because I know I'll just write-freak-delete-repeat... Because maybe writing about this will get my mind off writing about that... Let me tell you my biggest fears. Doesn't that sound like FUN?!?
Being alone. I don't mean just like for a few hours (I usually love that, and *need* my alone time). I play out life scenarios in my head (control issues, much?), and in one of those, we never made the adoption thing happen, hubby died, and I ended up an old maid all alone. My nieces and nephews were busy with their own families. In my line of work, I do see that a lot. And any time I read an obituary or hear about a local person like that, it scares me. We have several widows in our church, and a couple never had children, or their children and families don't come around much.
I'm afraid to not be needed. I like to take care of people, but I also NEED to do that. I guess it makes me feel needed? Granted, there are times I feel *too* needed, but what if one day, nobody needs Aunt NotTheMama for anything?
But that's not what I really wanted to say tonight. It's been a strange couple of days. I'm having trouble remembering some dates, I have no clue what is going on in certain areas of my life, and I'm on the proverbial roller coaster. I did something yesterday I never thought I would do, and got results that I half expected, but reacted totally different than I ever imagined. It's nothing bad, but I'm just not ready to really mention it.
More to come....

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Everyone is in agreement

There has been a common theme over the last week or so. At first I dismissed it as my crazy infertile thoughts in overdrive. I attributed it to announcement, after announcement, after announcement. But it's not just in my head anymore....
His ways are not our ways. His thoughts are not our thoughts. Nothing is impossible with God. He makes the impossible, possible.
And tonight, without knowing the thoughts that have been running rampant in my mind, without me mentioning anything beyond adoption, a church friend felt it. She prayed for us. In the parking lot, with just a few close friends. A prayer in faith. If God could raise dead bodies and give them life again, and we all believe He did, He could correct whatever problems we have. She prayed for whatever adoption plans God has for us, too, and prayed for God to grow our family in whatever way He sees best.
I've started lots of posts about what a bad infertile I am, because I don't remember where I am in this cycle. Then I decide I'm being ridiculous and delete them. We definitely haven't been truly ttc. It hasn't even been a thought, we haven't even entertained the notion of temp charting or perfect timing or counting the days.
For the first time in a long time, I want to hope. I want to believe. But do I dare? My body seems to be pointing towards CD1 within a day or two, but what if I'm wrong? It's dangerous ground, this hope, and it's easy to get caught in a (21-28) day cycle of hope and despair. But maybe it's different this time. Maybe God is not wanting me to try, try, try. Maybe He simply wants me to trust, trust, trust. If I wake up to CD1 in the morning, maybe I'm just supposed to do as my favorite verses say, and remain joyous in the Lord. Even if the fig tree doesn't bud. Even if there are no grapes on the vines, the olive crop fails, there's no food in the fields, no sheep in the pen or cattle in the stalls. Even if this egg doesn't bud into an embryo. Even if there are no sperm. Even if there is a pregnancy and it fails. Even though there's no bun in the oven, no babies in the beds, and the house remains quiet and toy-free. I'm still supposed to have my joy. Why? Because the Sovereign Lord is my strength. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to go on the heights.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

In My Dreams...

Have I told you that I sometimes dream of my children? I don't get to see their faces, but it's so precious.
Last night I had another one. It was really weird, because we were on our church bus, pulling into the parking lot of another local church, when our pastor caused a chain-reaction massive wreck (even though we were barely moving? lol dreams are weird)
So they were removing bodies (massiven indeed! People DIED!!!), cleaning up debris, etc, and this 3-or-4-year-old little boy was wandering around looking for his mommy. He was so so sad, and understandably so. There was discussion of did she die in the crash, or did she drop him off before the crash, because she couldn't take care of him. So she was dead, or had abandoned him. I looked in the ditch for her body, in case they missed it since it was dark, but it was finallly decided she abandoned him.
This time I couldn't see his face because it was dark, but I DID GET TO HOLD MY BABY!!!!! (!!!) I was trying to console him as he just cried and cried. He told me he missed his mommy, and I told him "I know, baby, I know. And that's okay, it's understandable!" He said he "just wanted to go home," and I told him something about how there's no place more comfortable, no place you feel like you can really relax, except for home. He told me he wanted to go back to his first home, with his mommy. I told him he couldn't do that, but I promised him I would take very good care of him and love him so so much forever and always.
I love these dreams, and cherish every God-given dream I have. I am thankful He gives me glimpses of my babies, if only in my dreams for now, and I truly believe He has given them special angels to watch over them until Mama can hold them for real.
Hold tight, little dudes. Mama will be there as soon as it's time!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Plugging along

We're just pluggin' along here. Baby Niece is doing great, no more blueness, chubby little cheeks, actually cried to be put down tonight! Love that little girl, even though her brother says I can't! ;)
Weird dreams abound, not sure what that craziness is all about... Stress? Too tired? Random occurence? Oh well.
We need to clean out a closet, so we can figure out how to turn the hot water heater down a little. And find our list to make sure that's all we like, and schedule the final visit!
It's strange... We've spent the last few years with adoption being this far-off thing that happened to other people - and now, here we are - thinking in months instead of years! Totally weird to think that I could need mat*ernity leave this calendar year!
Final thought: the closer we get, the more I miss them; my quiet house and lack of toys in the floor grates on my nerves more now than ever.

Sunday, January 30, 2011


1. The baby came home Friday. I held her a little bit, but my mom was having some bp issues, and we debated taking her to the er. It came down some, so she went to d*ocin*abox, who proceeded to give her some really dumb meds that she's not gonna take. So she's going to find a family doc.
2. I just can't get enough of holding and kissing the baby girl.
3. I hate those movies where everything works out in the end, and of course the couple lives happily ever after and has 2.5 kids with zero fertility issues. I hate that I'm this jaded, but IRL, the good guy doesn't always have it easy, just because he makes the right decision. Let's have him marry the right girl, but struggle through IF. Ugh I sound like a crochety old man. 4. I just woke up from a dream where there was some big party going on. It started in a restaurant, but then we were in a lodge. There were random people I really know, but from different times and places in my life. They all had babies or big bellies, except for me. They were passing one little girl around on posterboard, which I thought was dumb, then I almost dropped her and she cried. Then I held her and she went right to sleep.
5. I also had dreams about finishing all of this adoption stuff. Probably b/c hubby and his dad finished the rail yesterday, and we're just about ready for our final home visit.
6. Today is the 5th Sunday of the month... Which means that tonight is the community singing at our church... Which means I really will see random people from random places, and most of them will have babies and/or big bellies.
7. Sometimes I just want to lay down in the floor and pitch a good ol' fit - screaming, crying, kicking, and saying "When's it MY turn????"

Sunday, January 23, 2011

And then comes the crash....

Or actually, the slow, downward spiral that will result in a crash. A crash that will hopefully come in the comfort of my own home, with no company and witnesses of the ugly mess.
Because my precious little baby is back in the hospital, and I have to wait until morning to find out if she's still okay.
Because I will have to wait days and days to snuggle her up and kiss her and love on her and smell that little baby smell. Assuming she's okay.
Because I am once again an "only"....
"Only" the aunt. People who don't know our history do not understand there is so much more. Aunt NotTheMama is so much more than "only," the big brother wants her to look like me because I'm the funnest aunt. I may not BE Mama, but I am able to step in with a large number of children, and be substitute Mama when the "real" thing can't be there. With almost equal parts spoiling, loving, and discipline - Aunt NotTheMama is fun and bends the rules to some varying extent as long as safety is not compromised, but you still have to behave and eat your veggies and have manners.
Strangers do not even begin to know that Aunt NotTheMama can be counted on to be Mama at any time, with little to no notice, with sick kids, in the middle of the night, get them to have fun in the midst of tragedies, etc etc etc.
So "just" the aunt doesn't get to go in the nicu. And it's just hospital policy. And I'll just have to look at her through the window. And just wait until she comes home. And just take another slap in the face, another stab in the heart, because while family sees me as special, to the rest of the world, I am still "just" and "only" the aunt.

Hospital, Home, NICU

Brand New Baby Girl is in the NICU!!!! She did fine in the hospital, we figured her little hands and feet would be normal color in time. Everyone noticed that she turned blue from chin-nose, but it seemed to happen when she was sucking her pacifier, so they took it away. Then last night, I held her for a while, then laid her on the couch for a while. She started turning blue again, so sister called a local peds office. The dr on call (not out favorite, but not the least-liked either) basically asked her questions about being full-term. He didn't really offer any advice, so sister called the hospital nursery where she was born, and they said get her there asap. So far, they haven't really found anything, but they've done a lot of testing and cultures. Hopefully we'll know something soon!
They are only letting parents and grandparents in the NICU, so Aunt NotTheMama isn't liking that at all!!! They did get to hold her up in the window, and she looked better. I'm just ready to know she's okay, and snuggle her up again! Big Brother's care is being managed by me. He spent the night with us last night, is spending the night at home tonight, with me tomorrow night, and we'll see from there. Hopefully they will get to come home Tuesday, if everything goes okay.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Baby is here, I witnessed it all, and they haven't locked me in a room with my own white jacket yet ;)

Turns out it was a good day all around. God is good, and has given an abundance of the grace and mercy I've prayed for. We did get here before she was born, and I did decide to stay in the room. I watched it all! And I got to cut the cord! And then, I got to hold her fuh-evah! Then I got to hand her to nephew C, who was beaming with the pride only a big bro can have.
So take that, AF! Yeah, she decided a coupla days ago that she needed to join this party.
I'm so glad I decided to go in there.

It's all good :)

Last night, I went to see a coworker's brand new baby girl. And I was fine! :) Today, nephew C and I are just hanging out, waiting in his baby sister to make her appearance. We're at the best indoor playground fastfood place, and I'm sitting here talking with another Mama, like I actually belong here in the middle of the week... I told her I'm tha aunt, and yet I still feel like an imposter ;) Bottom line is, we're all good, we're all happy, and nobody is near a nervous breakdown just yet. Now if baby sister will quit being stubborn and just get here, already!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

What's *really* going on?

I started to post about how I miss my babies. I've wondered why I have this unexplainable urge to cry at random times today. Why am I so stinkin' tired, and why can't I get motivated to get off the couch and DO something?!? And wow at the anger monster rearing its ugly head over the smallest thing! (No, I'm not - that whole lack of sp*erm thing, remember?)
Duh. Couldn't have anything to do with Tuesday night and Wednesday plans, could it? Meet Niece #2. Seventh person to call me Aunt NotTheMama and really "belong" to me. Well, eighth, really, but one never made it to Earth. :(
Tuesday night, nephew C will spend the night. I was able to arrange an early morning dental cleaning to avoid taking a vacation day, then we will be playing it by ear. We will either be heading to the hospital, or a restaurant-with-a-playground, depending on when Little Sister will be joining us on the Outside.
I'm so excited to finally meet my newest niece! And see C's face when he gets to hold her for the very first time! And spend our last "unshared" time together!
But... And I'm really weary of all the "but's" I have to insert... Hospital time has been difficult for a few years, but this is the first hospital time since we started the adoption process, and since we "officially" found out there would be no 9-months-and-hospital-time for us, and even though she's only younger by 13 months, my baby sister is having her second and I'm still waiting on my first. And I have to hold it together until I hand off the nephew to someone else.
What a major whine-fest!!! But it's where I am. This, too, shall pass. In 6 more days. :)