Thursday, September 29, 2011

Where were we again?

Oh yes. We were waiting. With sketchy details.
Well... We're still waiting. Thanks to a friend's connection, we found out it was indeed finished X weeks ago. Which, according to my calculations, means we "should" hear something by Y holiday. IF X + Y does NOT equal Z, we should hear something by holiday Q. So between Z and Q, we should know we have been approved. Confused yet? Me too.
An aquaintance of a friend is trying to find out more info, and possibly help us out a little. Which makes me want to lean towards Z holiday, which happens sooner than Q, but last time that magic date was delayed a couple months, so I kinda don't wanna get my hopes up.
So emotional... The tears, the blank stares, the desire to just stay home. It's safe to say I'm coping a little less well. I'm gonna make it, it's just not real fun. Holding on to the light at the end of the tunnel, praying it's not a train, but tensing up all the same.
I'm thinking about a lunch date with some local people. 2 ladies from church, a pastor's wife from another local church, who all have adopted. I just need to be with people who speak my language. Who "get" why I'm so on edge, who don't bat an eye at my crazy emotions, and understand that I wasn't **really** crying because my husband was late to a pl*ay he and I were in at church. I need to be with people who have waited and survived.
And finally, I just remembered... Today is the day I was supposed to go shopping at the ki*ds cons*ignment sale. Because we were supposed to know something by now. I should have been hanging out with my sisters, having a good time. It's probably just as well... AF is a jerk, and I had to take mu*cin*ex D this afternoon. Where's that chocolate ice cream?

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Explanation, kind of

Hubby talked to the supervisor Friday. We got some kind of news - I wouldn't exactly call it an explanation. Sketchy information is a bit more accurate.
She apologized, said she meant to call. (So why did she not call?) She can't remember exactly when she received our study (according to SW that was 2 days after our last visit, 2 months ago), but she thinks it was about 3 weeks ago (which, just in case you didn't know, is way less than 2 months)... She didn't get to look at it right away, and she doesn't really know the exact day she sent it, but she overnighted it. (Shouldn't there be some kind of record of what was sent on which day?) She will email the office it went to and make sure they received it. (But didn't tell hubby she would call back or let us know if/when it was received. But we can call and "bother" them anytime. (Okay, there's something I can live with!)
It can take "up to 2 months" for the state to approve. And even then, it doesn't mean we should expect any news, because we could face a looooong wait for the age we requested. (Not the "unofficial" story we were given! Or the "official" story given by another supervisor!) We should consider FC for those ages if we want it to happen quickly (um, kids stay in FC for a while before they are eligible to be adopted, and there are no guarantees). Hubby said the rest of the conversation included the word "foster," approximately every other word. FP's are great. Don't get me wrong - there's always a need for more FP's but that is just not what we were called to do!
I am curious to speak with our SW and get her take on this. I have some "unofficial" questions that would require "unofficial" answers. Someone is not shooting straight with us - but at this point, we have a sketchy "new" timeline. Of course, not knowing whether our study was overnighted 3 weeks ago or just this week, and "up to 2 months" doesn't really pinpoint a magic date or anything... But we do have some frame of reference, we do have a window of time that we "should" hear something. This feels familiar! Bureaucracy stinks!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Frozen, for only the millionth time

It's survival time. It seems like every time we hit a roadblock on this road to our children, I shut down. I can make it through work, albeit a bit quiter than usual, trying not to bite off any heads. I get home and I'm done.
We still don't have any news. C'mon, tell us **some**thing! Death in your family? Sickness? Something wrong in our paperwork holding it up? Just overwhelmingly busy? Misplaced? Buried under other paperwork? Waiting for our medicals to expire? Something else? Just some kind of explanation would be better than none at all!
Do I need to hang on to vacation days this calendar year? How long will it take to be approved once we are actually submitted? I have other questions too! I just can't ask them yet, "officially."
I'm really trying to hold off on all things snarky. The Mama Bear is really wanting to be unleashed, but for now hubby is handling all phone calls with much more diplomacy than I could muster.
What are our children doing while we wait?

Thursday, September 15, 2011

The Prophetic Fawn

So earlier this week, I had to stop in my road for a fawn and her Mama. It's kind of hard to see on my road in the mornings on my way to work, and at first I couldn't tell what kind of animal was standing in the road. Mama quickly bounded across the road and over a fence. I stopped for Fawn, while she decided what to do. It was both sad and somewhat comical! The poor little thing followed Mama, of course... Bounded across the road, cleared the ditch - and smashed into the fence. Got up, jumped the ditch - and crashed into the fence. Got up, crossed the ditch - bam, stupid fence again! Finally, it stood up, looked around, and ran away from Mama to the woods on the other side of the road, but only hesitantly.
Poor little thing just could NOT make it. Little did I know.......
We knew we would eventually adopt even before we married. BAM- gotta wait 3 years. Okay, let's get rolling - BAM - jump through these 5 million hoops, and put a rail on your steps and hide your laundry detergent and make your house more secure than Fort Knox. Got it, done, let's get going again! **BAM** It will probably take a couple of months to be approved, but things should happen quickly.
And so, I waited. V.e.r.y patiently. Uncharacteristically patient. I was determined not to make a phone call, not to drop by our worker's second job just to check on the status of things, I was gonna give it two months, confident things were moving along. Half expecting to hear from her before the 2 months were up. Yes, I had momentary lapses in patience and calm waiting, but I was really, really GOOD, and lots of people told me so.
And that freakin' fence just won't move outta the way. Our worker did her job. The more we work with her, the more I like her. Hubby called today, at the two month mark. She completed our home study TWO DAYS after our final visit. TWO DAYS!!!!! Complete with a checklist that she went over and checked off so that her supervisor would simply have to sign and submit to the state. Which apparently takes at least a couple months... Bam! Bam! BAM!!!!!! Our worker has reminded her several times that she only needs to sign and submit.
I have several theories as to what is holding this up. The one I really want to hold on to is it's just not time. I have said all along - it will happen when it is supposed to happen. God's got this. On my way home, after my sweet sister-in-law distracted me with a trip to W*alm*rt, I was praying. And I told Him that I know He will bring my babies to me when the time is right - no supervisor or friend or circumstance will stop Him - My kids will be HOME, not a minute too soon, not a second too late.
So I will not do like the little fawn* and run away scared; I will stand firm and keep waiting patiently. It will be so worth the wait.

*which is not to say we do not have other plans if this does not work out. For now, though, we wait.

Friday, September 9, 2011

I'm doing it again...

I swore I would NOT go back to Ki*ds Mar*ket unless I knew FOR SURE what sizes of clothing I would need. In about 4 hours, I need to be up getting ready to go drop off clothes with my sister.
Our shopping day is close to the end of the month, but the public sale extends into next month. I may or may not know anything by either sale. I'm prepared either way.
By going tomorrow, I "reserve" my spot to shop early - while the good stuff is available. IF I know anything. It will be worth it.
If I don't know anything, then it was just some sisterly bonding time, and someone else can have my ticket to shop. I am prepared either way.
Meanwhile back at the ranch, I am daydreaming of meeting my (still hypothetical) child(ren). Clear as mud?

Monday, September 5, 2011

I should be nesting....

But I'm not! It's a rainy, yucky, CD-1 L*bor D*y. Hubby and his dad made plans for an outdoor event, that I quickly decided should be father-son bonding time. We still haven't heard anything, nor do we expect to just yet. We have a date marked on our calendar, when we will call and find out what is going on.
I vacillate between all kinds of feelings these days. Quiet, peaceful waiting. Desperate, tearful prayers for protection. Curious as to what "they" are doing on this tropical-rainy day. we have made small purchases - a shirt for each, based on faith and guessing what size we might need; some new bath toys; and I just HAD to buy some yummy dr*eft for their laundry.
I would say it's all just a guess, but it feels like so much more. In ways I can't yet explain, I feel such a connection to these little people I've never met! We haven't been "guaranteed" two children, but I feel it in my soul. We definitely haven't been told sexes, but I see us with two sons. We requested ages 3 and under, and when we browse the clearance section, both of us seem to return to the same sizes. We don't know if they will be pastey like us, or brown or chocolate or somewhere in between. We haven't made drastic, major purchases, but we are taking small steps of faith.
I wonder what it will be like for them. A strange house, another set of different, weird grown-ups to get used to, different food, toys, beds, friends. Ours will be at least the fourth house they have lived in. Will they trust that it's their last move, that we are their forever-parents? Will the oldest be bored, will the youngest cry for hours as a stranger attempts to comfort him? Will their New Mama be a total spaz, crying buckets and scaring the crap out of them?
I look forward to weeks off work, focusing only on our new children. Lots of playing, sticking close to home, trying new meals, hopefully getting some exercise! I try not to dwell on it constantly, but I do daydream of what season it could be, and what specific activities will be available based on the time of year. I'm holding those close to my heart for now, as if speaking them out loud will delay them further?
It's strange... Hubby and I have traded places, with him now freely giving information I am keeping close to my heart. For now, we are mostly dreaming.