Thursday, April 29, 2010

Public Lewdness, and Sodomy, and Arrests, OH MY!!!!

This guy, who I know from that place that didn't invent the chicken, just the chicken sandwich, and hubby knows from the department store they both worked at, was arrested. Rewind several days, to the story in the news about 3 men being arrested for public lewdness at a boat dock restroom in the city. Now fastforward to Tuesday, when hubby called to tell me it was Mr Shoe Salesman!! What, exactly, does this mean? Were they "just" (?) Exposing themselves, or more? I told hubby that if I were Mr. SS's wife, he wouldn't get bailed outta jail before the next day, for his safety! It's just so disturbing! And the other 2 men he was with were so gross! (As if it would be okay if they were clean, shaven, and not nasty) not to mention, dude, you're nearing 50 - go HOME to do that!
Then, when I got home after midnight, I sat down with the paper, and another rumor was confirmed - a really creepy guy from high school was convicted of sodomy. The victim was his stepdaughter. This guy was always creepy, I mean from the time we were like 10.
So today, after a crazy day at work, I'm just hoping to NOT see any familiar mug shots or read about another sex offender. Got another probable crazy day tomorrow, a busy weekend, then I'll work Monday and HIT THE ROAD!!!!! We've had to change our plans a little. We're going to Memphis first, then Nashville. Someone who will remain nameless (hubby) waited until last night to book a room, and the hotel in Nashville was booked Tuesday and Wednesday. Eh, who cares, we're not big planners! ;)

Monday, April 26, 2010

BC is back

Ugh!! At the sucky advice of my doctor, I started bc again last night. Right now, I'm just glad I don't have to worry about AF making a surprise visit next week while we're on vacation. Vacation!!!
We are both sooooo ready to get away! We're going to Nashville for a couple of days, then probably Memphis for a couple of days. We have no real agenda, we only know for sure that we're staying in the Opryland Hotel for 2 free nights. We've kicked around the idea of a massage, and I've been facebooking with a cousin who lives in Nashville about a quiet non-kid-friendly place to eat. I want to go to one of the zoos, but not sure which one is better. Other than that, we may do a little, we may do a lot. It will jus be so nice to get away and focus on each other!
The countdown is on... 4 more days of work this week, and only Monday next week, then we're off Monday night or Tuesday morning.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

A Baby and a Promise

We mwt some friends at a restaurant tonight, then went for ice cream. At the ice cream place, we ran into some other friends from church, who had a baby a few weeks ago. It's been many months since I held a snuggly lil guy, and she said we could take him out of his seat. Aaahhhhhhh I opted out of the ice cream in exchange for snuggle time! The scale will thank me later, and my baby meter is full.
As we were walking back to the car, hubby found a penny on the ground to put in our baby fund. (Remember the Christmas gift from the nephews, the jug for change they find?) I wasn't sad that we're going home empty-handed; in fact, I'm still holding it so it won't get lost in my purse. This little copper promise of things to come will go straight from my fist to the baby fund!

Friday, April 23, 2010

At least I know the answer!

Apparently, my cycle is on its way back to normal. Apparently, stopping the bcp's just made for a whacked out couple of months. Apparently, it WAS just the drainage that made me feel like puking.
And I'm okay. I'm really and truly okay with a BFN. I was thinking, but refused to say outloud, that this was some big cosmic joke, and not a very funny one - that pregnancy would be dangled in front of my nose when we were weeks -- WEEKS(!!!) away from celebrating our 3rd anniversary and eligible to adopt. I'm really glad I listened to hubby and didn't POAS.
In other news, I pulled something in my back at work today, so on top of cramps and normal lower back pain, I'm having muscle spasms, too! Thank God for Vico*profen! I don't take stuff like that very often (they gave me 9 or 10 last July, and I still have 7), but I took 1 tablet a couple hours ago, and it's taken the edge off. Thinking it's gonna take another to get rid of the pain and make me sleep... But we're supposed to have storms and tornados, so I don't want to be KO'd. Better just stick with some pain!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

What is this impending feeling that I'm gonna puke? And CD 35 (or could it be 21?) SUCKS!

Maybe I should reverse those. And for all I know, I guess it COULD be CD1, I've been stuck in a car for the past 4 hours, so I haven't been able to check the toilet paper like a mad woman lately. Seriously, when you start shutting the door so your hubby won't know you're checking it AGAIN, you just might be obsessed.
Anyway, it is now CD 35 (I've only made it to 28 ONCE, it's usually more like 24-27)... Unless you count the 3 days of bleeding during what should have been the middle of this cycle, as a new cycle of its own. Did I explain that okay? Still considering POAS, just in case, hopeless fool that I am... But if this is just CD 21, and not 35, then of course it's too early. My freakin' body is seriously screwed up. The nurses already had that sound of "Oh crap, don't YOU want to answer it this time?" when I called earlier this month.
It is all made so incredibly much better with this random feeling that I could puke. My stomach doesn't hurt at all, but I feel like I'm gonna puke throughout the day. I'm trying to rationalize that by saying it's just from all the drainage from all this pollen... But I don't remember feeling like this with sinus/allergy stuff before. A sip or bite of something makes it better for a minute, but it's there again a few minutes later. I don't want to ask anyone IRL what that loathed pregnany symptom feels like, to avoid getting anyone's baby radar on alert. Hubby says I'm irritable, but that could be anything - pms, pg, or just BECAUSE IT'S FRIGGIN' CD 35!!!!!!!! What.The.Crap.

Monday, April 19, 2010

@ the doctor for my nephew to get his head glued back together, and my sister bought an HPT today

So I had been in from work long enough to eat a slice of left-over pizza, when my sister called to see if I could ride with her to get my nephew's head glued. Apparently he was pushed by his little friend into a door while her m-i-l was keepiing him, and she didn't see any reason to take him to the doctor. Eh, what's a gash in the head? My b-i-l and his sister didn't really ever go to the doctor. So I grabbed a pack of gum for a bribe, and off we went...
During the ride over, she updated me on half the women in the world and their pregnancies. Or two. Or three if you count herself. That just-graduated-from-high-school couple? Their baby was born last week. Sister's best friend from high school, the once-anorexic-binge-drinking-turned-crack-head!? Finding out next week if it's a boy or girl! Aaaaaaaaaand.... she bought an HPT for later this week or next. Because they are officially trying for #2 as of this month, and even though she's not late yet, she wanted to go ahead and test because last time, she had AF for the first 3 months. (She pulled it out of her purse to show it to me in the doctor's office, and again in the drive-thru to get ice cream for being such a big boy) I hate that I've become so jaded that I raise an eyebrow and say, if only to myself, "hope it works out like that for ya..."
I find myself saying that a lot lately. I guess because I've never had the luxury of making a plan to be pregnant on our own by this time or that month, I forget that it actually does work out for some people like that. I'm usually okay with knowing that I found out about our infertility at summer camp surrounded by non-English-speaking Chinese people... But other times, it makes me a little sad that we never had the blissful ignorance of assuming it could happen easily, quickly, and without mucho assistance.

Friday, April 16, 2010

She gets it!!!! And if AF doesn't come by tomorrow...

I don't always get into my religious beliefs on this blog (absolutely do on my other blog!)... But this is one time I MUST say that God's hand was directing me to tonight. She gets it! She understands what I have been crying over and camping out on my soapbox about for the past week. I don't know where my kids will be born, I don't know if they're already alive, barely conceived, or not yet conceived, but I do know I've never loved children as much as I love *my* babies. And I love, and am loved by, a whole lotta kids! They flock to me, and I to them, but I digress...
She gets what, NotTheMama? Get to your point already! This adoptive Mommy gets that your baby is your baby is your baby, and a loving parent will do whatever it takes for her child. Oh, it does my heart good to know that she is taking such good care of this beautiful little boy. It gives me strength that I will NOT be eating my words one day, and doing the same things I cry out against right now. It's absolutely difficult, and she embraces that fact, but you do it for your baby. Another ongoing story is - I find myself checking her blog every day or 2, waiting on the next part of her story. Call me Pollyanna, but I just love a good story where it just clicks and I find themes of unconditional love and acceptance.

If AF doesn't show tomorrow, and if I have time to slip off to the store, I'm gonna try to work out a way* to buy an hpt. Just because. While I know in my head that I'm setting myself up for disappointment and will likely down that entire pint of Ben & Jerry's I bought yesterday, then crumble into a pile of tears and snot, I just need to know. Rolling my eyes over the fact that I just had a stinkin' exam AND u/s Monday and they should've seen **something** if there's anything there.... My older sister says it's funny that AF hasn't showed, and I know exactly what she's insinuating there, and she says it's possible I "could be" and they just didn't see it... Highly doubtful, and as happy as I would be, there's also the apprehension of becoming "that woman" who swore there was no way possible. A matter of weeks away from becoming elligible to adopt. And did I mention I've been pumping my body full of a cocktail of OTC meds to get rid of this drainage and congestion and cough? AF is stupid. I'm thinking about talkin' 'bout her Mama, but I'm sooooo afraid of how she would retaliate!

*Strange way to word it? Only store I could possibly get to tomorrow would be Wzally Wzorld. The local one, that everybody and their brother goes to. Where I would certainly see someone at any time on a Saturday. And I just don't want THAT rumor floating around. Why do I feel like a teenager trying to buy cond*oms from my best friend's dad's drugstore?

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Injustice! Or, the post where I jump on my soapbox about people who harm children, when they signed up to care for them

Whew. Several things in the past few days have had me crying, "Injustice! It's just not fair! What can I do about it?!?"
This whole deal with Russia and the lady who's name escapes me at the moment. Granted, I don't know the specifics, and granted I have yet to adopt... But as a parent, you DO NOT have the right to send your child away! Might you need outside help? Certainly. Can love and hugs solve everything? Sometimes not. But when you make a decision to become a parent, regardless of how that happens, you make the decision to love that child FOREVER - NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO OR DO NOT DO!!! Regardless of whether your child becomes the president or is never able to live completely independent, they deserve your undivided, whole and complete love. Sometimes that love is tough and shown through discipline - not abuse - and sometimes it's an arm around the shoulder and "I don't understand, but I love you and will do anything to help you and support you!" Love is NEVER putting a lost, scared, angry, hurt child on a plane because they are somehow "too damaged" for you. I understand in extreme situations love even means having to have your child admitted to a treatment facility that may feel like abandonment, but to cheapen the life of a child by putting a return policy on them is just sick. EVERY child deserves a mother's love, a father's concern. So there's my stance on that.
I've recently been introduced to some different perspectives from adult adoptees. More injustice! A pastor, Tony Nolan, whose story you should really hear, went through all kinds of hell in the foster care system and then adoption... And a random stranger with a story that makes me both sad and angry. Again, when you sign up for fostering and/or adoption, you sign up for becoming a responsible, loving parent. It sounds harsh, but I wonder if there is a special place in hell, reserved for those who harm children and are never sorry and never change. As I've already mentioned, ALL children deserve to be loved and cared for. When you make the decision to care for children in foster care or adoption, you make it your responsibility to ensure those children are loved and cared for. Throwing a baby down the stairs just for kicks and gambling purposes, reminding them how much you "paid for them," threatening to "send them back" or telling them you could/should do so is OFF-LIMITS, even as a joke. The thought of such dispicable actions brings me to tears and leaves me wanting to find someone in a dark alley... Mark my words, I will do everything in my power to let my children know that I would do anything for them, I will never turn them away or send them back, and they can tell me anything - nothing is taboo. Oh, and it would probably be smart to never even look like you might be thinking about hurting one of my babies. Just sayin'.
So. What to do, where to go next? I plan to keep reading, to educate myself on all angles of the adoption triad, and pointing out injustice where I see it.
And for now, I'm trying to stop coughing and keep breathing and sleep without getting choked. Pollen sucks.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Truth, Lie, Bounce, per SQ

Playing along in the Virtual Lushary. So is it truth or lie? Did I really go to school to learn to play games and analyze people?
Yes, I actually did! I majored in psychology, and minored in Recreation Administration. And yes, there was entire course devoted to playing group games, where we went to a field or the gym, and played a crapload of games. We had several required camping trips, but I never got to take the rock climbing course, because it was always full.
On one of those trips, I totally forgot bedding. My mom had to drive over an hour, and she brought me 2 lap blankets and no pillow. It was freezing that night, and I woke up throwing up in the middle of the night, and had to leave the next morning and drive over an hour back home, still puking. Pleasant trip. I also only did about half the "required" work in a related class, and got an A.
My plans were to use ropes course in therapy for abuse victims, only it turns out no such program exists where I live. I am now the ph*armacy m*anag*er for the company that originally hired me as a delivery person.
Mel, this is a fun game! ;)
If you have no clue what I'm blogging about, go to and see the Virtual Lushary post.

Monday, April 12, 2010

No New News

Ugh... So it seems I should have followed my own assvice and restarted bc when AF comes, waited it out until my annual exam in July, and saved a co-pay. I was introduced to ultrasound encounters of the vag*inal kind, and while it wasn't something I'd sign up for every day, it really was nowhere near the horror stories I've heard and read about.
Dr said nothing seemed unusual in his exam, but he wanted the ultrasound just to make sure; if I don't hear back from him, that means everything is okay and he'll see me in July. I can go back on bcp's if I would like to. They are really the best option for cysts and preventing prgnancy and yesn he really told me that! Gee, doc, I thought that whole lack of sperm thing was pretty good birth control! I need MORE methods of pregnany prevention?!?
He said he could do lap to explore other possible problems, as a cyst is really just their assumed educated guess, but first he would recommend a gastroenerologist to rule out other problems. Gee, doc, I figured with the pain occuring around ovulation time AND irregular periods, THAT just MIGHT be a freakin' blue paw print of a clue!
Sigh. So, looks like it's back to the pill for me. Because one way or another, I can't go through this hell every month. And we WILL be discussing EVERYTHING in July. I just really want to be DONE!
As for a not-so-friendly comment on a previous post... I just don't have the energy to deal with it tonight. Whatever.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

To the doctor in about 15 hours!

Hoping to get some answers, or at least schedule some tests to get some answers!
I've been in a funk. It's been one of those days where I really just wanted to stay home and not see anyone. Woke up late, hubby used all the hot water, so I missed Sunday School and made it - late - to preaching. Jetted out the door as soon as was polite after church.
There was a brief hour or two this morning that I considered what it would be like to really TRY. What if three injections a week were covered under insurance, and he actually DID begin to produce sperm in his semen? We could totally do a few rounds of IUI's. Maybe even 1 round of IVF if the injections didn't work and I could talk him into TESE.
But see? There would be no stopping! One thing would lead to another, and we would find ourselves 5 or 10 years down the road, wayyyy in debt, most likely still childless. And I am convinced I would need lots of drugs, therapy, and probably a mental health hospital to recover. I hate to say it's not worth it, because IF it ended with a living, breathing, healthy child, with only a little debt, it would be totally worth it. But in all honesty, it's just not going to happen that easily, I'm terrible at quitting before I prove something can happen, and there would be no stopping point.
In high school and early college, nothing would have stopped me. I would prove it, dang it, or die trying, if you told me something was impossible. Most of my life has been about proving I was athletic enough, intelligent enough, talented enough, in love enough, committed enough, or just plain good enough to do what everyone said could not be done. After a bad wreck and some abuse and other stuff, I learned that sometimes, it's better (easier? wiser? chickener?) to just admit that, hey, you're right - it's not possible, it'll never happen, and trying is only going to make things harder, more painful, and more difficult to get over.
I realized this morning that I can NOT give birth and still have a happy life. A lovely church friend, J, never gave birth, and she is a happy grandmother with a full life. I'm sure it hasn't been a bed of roses; in fact, I know otherwise, as her husband was killed in a terrible car crash last year... It hasn't been easy, but it's possible to be HAPPY after IF. Even if I never have a chance to get pregnant.
After reading some blogs, I'm not sure I have the heart to go through all the BFN's that are sure to come with highest-end ART's. This is one time when I'm throwing in the towel, admitting defeat, and not trying to prove to the world that I!Can!Do!It! I'm hoping my doctor will agree and at least take this darn, pesky left ovary.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Excerpt from an article I read, about adoptees mourning their loss

"Adoptees are faced with a feeling of loss and grief that they are not allowed, by society, to actively mourn... She is aware that family members are lost to her, but is expected to not mourn the loss of this family member she has never known."
Not in my house. When that issue arises, I'm hoping I will remember my own grief and mourning of losing a family member (or a few family members!) that I never knew, and never existed. (And now I'm looking at that word - existed - ans wondering if it's spelled correctly. Don't you hate those words that just look wrong on paper?)
Should you google aladult adoptees," you will find lots of scary stuff. Some wish adoption was illegal. A lot are angry at the parents who adopted them, and think more highly of their birth parents. A good many are disappointed with reunions or the lack thereof. I'm wanting to believe that it's a "support group" type thing. I want to believe that those adult adoptees who are happy in life and treated well by their families, just don't see the need to blog about their life as an adopted person, because it's just not an issue. Much in the same way you wouldn't really expect someone who's never been touched by infertility to blog on and on about how easy getting pregnant was, and how awesome it is to not have to spend a year's salary trying to get that first baby here.
So I'm left with wondering how to get from here to there; how do you raise an adopted child to feel loved and wanted more than anything in the world, while balancing that with acknowledging the loss of a different family, and appreciation of the birth family, regardless of the circumstances leading up to the adoption? It seems to be a balancing act. If I weren't so darn shy, I would ask these questions of people I know who have/were adopted. Maybe I'll try's Fearless Friday challenge, and just step out and do it!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Broken bone, If I wasn't so tired, Doctor appt, Other randon stuff

***my poor little nephew has a cast on his leg for the next 3 weeks. His first tball game is Saturday, so he's pretty upset that he can't play. His younger brother, the middle child, is having a hard time with big bro and little bro getting so much attention and needing so much help. I'm an old pro at being in the middle, so I'm gonna rescue him and make him king for a day one afternoon. Same for big bro. Baby bro (15 months) doesn't really care, as long as mommy doesn't disappear!
***So.Tired. Aching ovary, sore lower abdomen, new intermittent stabbing pain near right ovary... I think just the aches and pains have me completely worn out. I'm so tired I could cry. But nobody IRL really knows just how much I hurt or just how tired I really am. Doctor appt Monday afternoon, hoping for a solution and some answers!
***I was offered a pretty sweet promotion @ work Monday, accepted it Wednesday, and am working on learning exactly what this is going to look like. My official title is ph*rmacy m#anager, and I'm (theoretically) in charge of, well honestly, everything. A little scary, a bit overwhelming, but hopefully worth it. Hubby and I have been praying and discussing how to finance international adoption, and God drops a substantial raise in my lap, with another considerable raise to follow if I take and pass a test. Lots of drama surrounding my promotion - one got demoted when she refused to work full time, discussions about firing our drivers, home office was prepared for all of us to walk out, and it goes on and on.
Vacation in 3 weeks!!!!! I'm working that Monday, then we're off to relax from Tuesday-Saturday, coming home in time for Mother's Day. Possibly visiting 2 cities, 2 free nights in a really nice hotel, and 2 or 3 nights somewhere cheaper. The 2 free nights are in Nashville, then we're thinking about going to Memphis as well. A trip to the zoo in one of those cities is on the agenda, and there's a fire museum in Memphis, but we don't really follow an itinerary on vacation. Very little scheduling involved - it's more about relaxing and meandering here or there or nowhere!
***Funny story to end! Hubby is a volunteer fireman. They give him a hard time about sleeping through calls - he missed a call just down the road from us around Christmas because I couldn't wake him up! Well, a strong thunderstorm came through this morning and took out some trees and power lines in several parts of our county. Hubby turns on his fire radio and hears one of our guys call in route. A few minutes later, he sees flashing lights out the front door... A tree is blocking the road, and half of it is laying IN OUR YARD!!!! He was friggin' LATE to a fire call in our own YARD! Pretty funny, poor guy!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

What the #*+?=%?????

So I'm needing some GOOD news towards the end of a stressful day, and tell google as much. What's the first friggin' site that pops up? What else except, "Expecting a baby?" Hello, that's not exactly what I call good news! My husband doesn't have crappy sperm, or even low sperm counts... ZERO!!!!
In truly happy(-ier) news, my mom admitted last night that she new there was no hope for a pregnancy. I'm pretty sure I heard angels singing the hallelujah chorus on that one!
More health and job news coming soon.... Gotta make an appt for this stupid recurring cyst problem. Work is way too full of drama and fruit basket turnover! So that means I should probably get off my lunch break and go DO some work!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Ruptured Cysts SUCK

Day 3 of horrible cramping and lower back pain. Attempted to call the doctor yesterday to have my questions answered, ans was quivkly cut off andtold I talked to a different nurse the day before, and that doctor was off and I would have to call back next week, and something about I should stop bleeding "sometime next week," while she was talking to someone in the background.
So my sister's idea last night was to call the on-call number, tell them I ended up in the ER last time this happened, and the doctor on call would call me back. Except this is not like last time, it's so much worse! The cramps and backache are such that I would rip everything out right now if I could. I declined to call the doctor last night, but I'm thinking I will today. Something's gotta give!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Yep, another cyst.

Blah. I called the dr today, and the nurse said it sounds like another cyst, but this one ruptured. No more spotting last night, but I've been bleeding pretty much all day. Nurse said as long as pain continues to decrease, I shouldnakt need to come in.
My annual exam should be in July, and my plan before this was to wait it out until then to discuss options for being DONE. A hysterectomy would be splendid. I know I'm young and all that jazz, but I'm SO DONE. At least take this stinkin' left ovary. 2 months off bc, and it's been a miserable week. I couldn't really talk to the nurse when she called, as I had a therapist sitting in the pharmacy, waiting on meds for her patient who was getting out of the hospital, near closing time, on the day before a holiday. So, my plan is to call back tomorrow (I'm hoping they aren't closed!) and ask more questions. Will I have a "normal" period even though I'm bleeding now? Should I be prepared for hellacious cramping, or less-hellacious cramping? Should I start bc again until I get an appt and we discuss options? Could she please *not* inform me that if I'm ttc'ing that NOW is a great time to have sex? 'Cause, you know, that kinda requires an ingredient we rather lack. Sigh. I know she was just trying to help, but I struggled to keep it together to finish up my work.
My top choice: go ahead and take it ALL, it's doing me NO GOOD! At this point, I'd be more than happy to take hormones for the rest of my life. My next choice: please just take the left ovary! My ultimatum: if you're gonna leave everything intact, I need more pain meds. Like, enough that I don't have to ration them. Problem: I know what doctors think of people who request pain meds. I'm not big on taking meds for every little ache or twinge - I've always had that suck it up and deal with it attitude. Couple that with a pretty high threshold for pain, and by the time I'm hurting bad enough to take some meds, otc products don't really make the pain go away.
And work - well, that's a whole other post for another day, when I'm not on pain meds. Suffice it to say fruit basket turnover is about to begin, and come Monday it's a toss-up as to who is fired, who gets mad and quits, and what position those remaining assume. I'm fairly certain my job is not at stake, but then again, half of the ffice doesn't know anything is going on, and those who are aware were only inadvertently informed late today.
Here's to making it through a busy weekend, with 2 places to be for lunch and 2 places for supper. Oh, and Happy Easter!