Monday, September 27, 2010

I feel like a yoyo

Suffice it to say, Friday was a better day, today was more crap. Gotta love it when someone flat-out refuses to do a small thing you request. Especially when you have other things to ask of them tomorrow. :) Even better when your immediate sprvsr won't do a thing about it, and even though you hate to do it, going over her head to the next boss up is the next step. Really disappointed in both people. Gotta start going in earlier due to another employee causing problems. AAAAHHHHHH, can't we all just get along?!?!?!?!
Ah, well, at least I'm losing some weight in all of this! My stomach has been in knots for a week now. My appetite has gone wayyyyyyy down, and whatever I do eat isn't staying with me for long. (Don't feel like I really have to say this here, but NO, I'M NOT so don't even suggest it)
I liked my job a lot better when things were much more simple... This too shall pass... Isn't that how it's supposed to go? Just trying to hang in there until it does finally pass!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Discouraged, Disappointed but not surprised

---wishing I had never accepted this promotion. It seems impossible to accomplish what is being asked.
---as best I can tell, I've really ticked off most of those in my office, by telling the truth to our boss. The truth about attitudes and hostilities and the way my promotion was on paper only.
---Favorite Co-worker is at it again. Received a txt msg from ph*rmacist that said to prepare myself "emotionally for news from *****". No shock there, pradar kicked in weeks ago. Also not shocked that, again, she talked about it IN FRONT of me, but wouldn't TELL ME. That's fine, whatever. Trying not to stoop to her level, trying to decide what my reaction should be if/when she does tell. I would LOVE to say "Yeah, I know. I heard you talking about it, and I figure these things out on my own; I also knew the last time you were pregnant!" But, knowing me, I'll probably just say congratulations. Well good, hopefully in 9 months we'll be able to tell her goodbye and never see her face again. I know that's ugly, and probably not the best attitude, but it's that whole pearls and swine thing. I'm tired of being nice to someone who only returns it with more bitch.
So what now? When I accepted this promotion, we were years away from adoption. Now, we could be down to a year or two. I really just want to tell them they can have their promotion back because I don't really feel equipped for the job, and we are adopting sooner than we thought. I really REALLY want to find another job, or just quit and stay home, and find some kids to baby-sit or something. There are lots of things we could cut out of our budget. I'm volunteering to go back to a regular phone, give up my favorite shows I never miss, I would even move back to our old house if it meant staying home with my babies! Our new house could be sold as soon as I said the word, to our neighbor's daughter. But hubby is a little less gung-ho.
Ugh. I give up. I'm going to sleep.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

What a Colossal Waste of time, money, hotel room, food, gas, etc

I'm "training" this week. Today I've learned how to sit quietly in a chair and wait for a meeting. Yesterday I learned how to sit quietly in a chair and try to stay awake when you're insanely sleepy.
Okay, I did learn a little more, but not enough to warrant 3 days out of my office. ;) It could've been done in an afternoon.
Oh well... I got lots of sleep last night, it's a break from the usual grind, I haven't had to put up with any smart-mouthing. I'm at work but not really working, I'm getting a break but not having to use vaca/sick time.
I have lists of stuff I want to replace/buy for our house, I have a cleaning list for when I get back home, I'm in the mood to clean things out and get rid of junk. Tomorrow, I will return home, go back to the grind, and start working on all of my lists.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

My, what a rowdy bunch!

I had 6 girls tonight... Or was it 60? It sounded like 60, but I have too much candy left for that number.
But do you want to know what I LOVE?
I love the reception I got when I walked in. They were eating, I walk in with 2 books plus my Bible, a box of candy, a bag of candy, phone, keys, etc, and am nearly knocked down by a swarm of kids of all ages all hugging me and hanging on me and asking me a billion questions, and mostly "can we have some candy?"
Rowdy bunch, those kids... But excited that Mrs NotTheMama is getting a child. And just as appalled as I am that international adoption is so darn expensive. And they think all the rules and regulations are bordering on ridiculous. And they want me to get a 10-year-old. It's funny and cute that they all request a child their age, no matter how young or old they are. Even if they know the age we requested.
I'm glad I decided to teach again this year. I have mostly "church girls," who basically know the Bible stories, with one who kinda knows some stuff, and another who is a clean slate with little to no knowledge. So I'm using 2 books. The first is a children's book of object lessons. It requires minimal preparation and not much extra "stuff"... Tonight I only needed crackers, but we used gum instead. The other book was written for adults. It explains about the different names of God used in the Bible.
I find that most people, adults and children alike, do not really know that when our KJV, NIV, etc Bibles say "God" this or "God" that, the original Hebrew/Greek meanings were so much more. We use God as an umbrella term, and miss the significance a lot of times. So it's a good book for the Clean Slates and the OMG Do We Have to Hear About Jonah And The Whale Again crowd.
It's gonna be a great year! :)

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Why am I about to watch this show???

I know it's coming. I don't know WHO is going to announce they're having another kid, but they are saying it on the preview. Is it gonna be kid #20, or grandchild #2?
I normally love this show. I want to watch this one. But I know if it IS #20, UGH. And if I hear her cheery voice one more time sing-song "Someone's expecting!" All sweet-like, I very well may punch the tv.
Okay. I'm done with my tantrum now.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Looking Back... Looking Ahead

I didn't think I had been that nervous about our visit or my eye exam, but now that they're both over ---- I'm so relaxed! I guess that explains the weird dreams, the increase in migraines, the feeling of being "off"... It's not that I thought they would tell us our house wasn't clean/big/new/good enough, or that we weren't active/old/young/home enough to take on children. More a fear of the unkown, I suppose, even though I was calm and I know that God's got our backs, I'm not one that particularly loves uncharted territory! I hesitate to try new dishes at restaurants, for cryin' out loud!
One of the questions we had to answer was whether we have any negative feelings about being childless. Our simple answer was we have just accepted it as a temporary status - that we've known we wouldn't get pregnant for so long that it just is what it is, we roll with the punches and spoil other peoples' kids in the process. A simple, and totally honest answer.
It wasn't always so easy. From the time I found out, I set my mind and heart on adoption. There was still that mourning the loss of experience, and I cannot honestly admit that baby showers are still not my favorite thing, I sometimes don't want to see huge bellies, and sometimes I still want to just disappear when people start encouraging me to not give up hope of a miracle pregnancy. Dude, how do you know that's even something we care about anymore?
(My 4-year-old nephew has picked up my "dude" and several other phrases I use, and it's rather hilarious!)
It's a little surreal to think that infertility is so NORMAL to me. I find it strange and WEIRD that some people just have to go to bed to get pregnant, MAN, some people have to try equally hard to NOT have another child! Because we never really got to try like that, it's such a foreign concept --- AND I'M FINE WITH THAT! Yeah, at one time it bothered me that we never got to try, sure, it's sad sometimes. But it's okay. This is such a comfortable place to be. Which usually guarantees change is coming soon!
Gone are the days when I try to avoid the whole pregnant vs adopting conversation. I still don't go into detail about our lack of fertility, per hubby's wishes, but I've learned that people are a lot more open to adoption than you'd realize. So many people are praying, and encouraging us, and EXCITED that we seem to be moving so close to our children. And while just a few months ago, I would've not really volunteered an incredible amount of info to complete strangers, I spent a decent amount of time today, less picking out glasses and more talking to the lady who was helping me about adoption and the whole county process and private adoption. She is trying for a private adoption, and it's just so stinkin' nice when you run into someone who is in the same place and shares similar thoughts on the same topics! I imagine this is what it's like when two pregnant mommies sees each other in the mall??? It's just awesome!
This is a great place to be. I look forward to meeting our kids and getting to know each other and finding our rhythm as a family with children... But I fully intend to enjoy the here and now. This patient waiting, days of enjoying other peoples' babies and dreaming of and praying for our own. I found 3 pennies in a parking lot tonight, 3 little pennies all laying there together, and I couldn't help but smile, offer a prayer of thanks and wonder what the significance of "3" is. Pennies are not just worthless change to me. My nephews have been collecting them for my "baby (our last name) fund" jug, and when any of us see change in town, we kind of pounce on it. Yes, I turn into a 5-year-old over roller coasters and dentist visits and a penny in the parking lot, and I am not at all ashamed of any of that! So this may sound silly, but I really felt God smiling down on me - on this significant day, for me to find 3 little pennies! I occasionally find one, but 3 is a rare find! And so I also said a prayer for the 3 children those little pennies represent - whether they will one day be entrusted to me or to someone else. Nameless, faceless children, but God knows who they are, and they absolutely matter to Him. And me. :)
I realize that may sound a little "out there" to a lot of people (good grief, she's giving lost change personalities? Really?!?) However, it's my blog and my own little world and I reserve the right to interpret things in a manner that seems fitting to possibly nobody beyond myself.) Hahaha.
I could go on and on, but alas, this is a picture-less blog, and I'm sure not everyone is as amused as I. :) More later about this comfy place and why I inwardly roll my eyes when people tell me to keep hoping for that miracle pregnancy-after-adoption phenomenon.

It's like that first gyn trip...

... You hear rumors about how bad it is, and you have this worse-than-it-really-is image stuck in your head. Then you have it, and it's over, and you sit back and think, "Now that wasn't so bad!"
Our first visit is over! We're finishing up a home-cooked lunch for a change, before my eye appt. We need a ra*il for the f*ront steps, dogs vaccinate*d, and our h20 is about 15 degrees too hot. That's it!
We have to schedule the second visit, which will only take a few minutes, she has to do an individual interview for each of us, then we can sit back and wait - for "up to a few years," she said.
Cool. Very cool.

Monday, September 6, 2010

T Minus 9 or 10 hours

So we're hours away from our visit. My mom came over to drop off some food and an awesome mop, and helped us a LOT. I had my picture frames, lamps, and various home decor thrown on the guest bed (the future child's room - you know, the one that should probably appear semi-ready for said child, no matter how imaginary he or she is right now). I had given up and decided she would just have to see it done next time. My mom, Queen of Hide it When You Need To, had the room guest-ready before she left. I was feeling a little hopeless, starting to panic, and as always, Mama comes in and it's all better. Gonna get up in the morning to do some mopping and work on more laundry (there's ALWAYS more of that!). The garage still needs some serious work, but we're just gonna go with it.
15 minutes is all she'll spend on the house. Then it's interview time. So let's hope and pray this migraine goes away and I sleep great tonight and wake up refreshed and ready to answer a lot of questions! I'll update as time allows - I scheduled an eye appt for the afternoon so I could take a sick day instead of a vacation day.
She's supposed to be here at 9am Central time. We would appreciate all prayers, happy thoughts, etc.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

We're Cleared!

So hubby checked the mail today, and our fingerprints checked out fine. Not that we were expecting any different, but it's another box checked, another hoop jumped through. We've been doing some housework in preparation for Tuesday's visit. I had a dream last night that we had a bunch of junk in the middle of the living room floor, boxes of random stuff, and hubby refused to move it before the visit! I'm sure I'll think of a billion things I should've done while we're being interviewed, but our house is clean (planning to keep the ceiling fan on - don't wanna dirty the floor to clean the fan beforehand) lol. Hubby is trying to organize the garage.
It's all coming together! If only we had pictures on our walls, lamps out of boxes, etc, we would be totally moved in our house! ;) Maybe by the second visit - I have to borrow my sister for the day for that one! We wanted to take a trip over the long weekend, but we're still paying 2 mortgages. Right now the plan is to spend one day at an amusement park with older sister and kids. Sunday is church, Monday we're getting together with friends from church. Sounds like a perfectly relaxing way to spend the weekend before a visit! I never thought we would be this ready - I thought we would be scrambling the night before!
I can't really say I'm surprised. I have a peace that passes understanding. God's got our backs. He knows who and where our children are. He has all the details worked out, He knows the exact moment every detail will pan out. It's up to me to serve Him while I'm waiting. :)