It blows my mind: these kids weren't even born yet!

So, I took some vacation days to chaperone this trip some of my church girls were taking. We are at the same camp I went to *when I was their age* because apparently I've reached the age where I can say that... And these girls were not even BORN then. Yeah, let that one sink in.
So tonight was campfire night, held at a chapel named after 4 counselors who were killed in a car/train wreck. One of them had been my cabin counselor the summer before, and another one had been at the camp all 3 times I attended. It's great that their memory lives on, after such a horrific accident that cut their lives so so short. I've been a little busy to stop and think and remember that day, but I remember the couch I was sitting on when it came on the news. I knew it would be someone I knew, but I had a peace that it was not my *favorite* counselor. The first name they called was the girl who was driving. She was my cabin counselor almost exactly a year before. As only a 12-year-old-girl can, I immediately lost it, and didn't even hear the middle 2 names, but then that fourth one - there were 2 guys with the same first name, one was my favorite, and I never thought it could take so long to say a first, middle, and last name. I was glad it wasn't my favorite guy, but felt bad for being glad. Oh, and the anticipation during the commercial break when they were about to tell who was involved, I hope I never experience that nervous wait again.
It obviously was just not a good day, and while I still think of those counselors when I think of this camp, I haven't relived the memory of that horrible day in quite a while.
It just blows my mind that when all of the above happened, these girls in my cabin weren't alive yet. There are a lot of things about camp that are the same - there is the same structure, the same "big" activities, the same rules and cabins and trails and signs in the dining hall even... And yet it's totally different. There was less singing and skits, no sign of a guitar anywhere, and didn't the naturalists seem so much older when I was 12? Well, that part is probably not so much a change for camp as a change in my life.
I said I would work here one day. My parents made me work at another camp for one summer, before they would discuss "here," and well - I just never left that camp to come back here. And now, as a married, hoping-to-adopt-soon grown-up --- I regret that I didn't come back. Sure, I certainly enjoyed the other place, but this was where it started. This was a totally different atmosphere, and I let familiarity and a better paycheck keep me from here. I'm sure life would be a lot different if I had taken that path.
******* I hate that I've been MIA during NIAW, but it's kind of hard to read, comment, and blog about infertility with a 10-12-year-old looking over your shoulder!!! We go home tomorrow, but there will be catching up to do, and some ball games and stuff, so I'm not so sure I'll be around. Perhaps I'll jump back on board the IF blogging train soon?

Ah, where to start? I'm getting ready to use some vacation days. I'm going to c*amp with some little girls from church, much to the relief of a mother and grandmother who realllllllly didn't want to go, and are paying my way because they trust me with their children. :) it's the same camp I went to when I was their age (am I really old enough to say that?!?), where I first learned to climb, where I fell in love with the summer camp life. Sigh. Growing up stinks! If I didn't have to have a "real" job, I would still be spending my summers working camps.
It's been a crazy-buzy day at work, and I have a LOT I need to get done in the next 2 days. We are supposed to be closed Friday, but I have SO much to do before I am off for 3 days!!! I'm thinking about doing my best and just leaving the rest - we're truly "caught up," but I was hoping to leave "ahead," so I wouldn't come back in "behind." BUT hubby put in for a vacation day for Friday, so we can hang out and go for a REAL hike, not just a 30-minute or 1-hour walk on the paved trail. Because I decided this week that uh, I need to get MOVING if this sits-at-a-desk-body is gonna keep up with 5th and 6th graders in the woods for 3 days!
So glad for a break from work, and you'd think all would be AWESOME... But in the (few and BRIEF) quiet moments of today, it's been a sad, teary kind of day.
Hubby's cousin was having a procedure today after finding out the baby she was expecting had died. Pure speculation on my part, but I'm thinking they didn't come by this pregnancy exactly easy or fast. So sad for her...
And it's holiday time! Reminders abound of look-what-you-two-are-missing. Grown-ups look funny walking into a children's easter egg hunt without any children. We didn't stay, hubby just wanted to walk in there to see our niece after church, but oh how I long to NEED to stay for those events!!! Sunday morning I'm in the nursery, which is good - I won't have to watch those after church family pics being made, I won't have to look down at all those precious little families and know there's an empty spot or two or three in mine. And Mother's Day is coming up. I'm once again making plans to sleep in during church, and hang out with our moms the rest of the day. It's really such a relief, a weight off my shoulders, and gets rid of extra stress - to just stay home and relax, instead of making myself go and attempting to stay sane and not cry.
So many thoughts and emotions! The realization that I've spent all these years holding back tears at church, but when we finally have our children, I will probably never have dry eyes, out of pure happiness. The sadness that another holiday, then another will come and go with my arms still empty, mingled with the urgency that comes with the knowledge my babies are probably alive right now. My heart breaks for hubby's cousin and another old friend in the face of their losses - I wish they didn't have to be in this place, know this pain. I want to be there for them, but not really sure HOW. The happy for them / sad for me that they probably WILL one day achieve and maintain and bring home a real, live baby that they conceived and gave birth to, and I will not. I'm usually okay with never being pregnant, but this is one of those times it just makes me want to cry.
Isn't it kind of funny? We haven't really shared our fertility issues with many people, out of respect for hubby's privacy (and that of his family)... And yet people know. Just last Sunday, I had a very sweet elderly lady at church apologize for something she said weeks ago about when hubby and I were going to have kids. I told her we were adopting, and forgot about it. Another lady told her we couldn't have kids, and this lady came back and apologized because she thought she hurt my feelings. It's so nice when people apologize, and try to make things BETTER, as opposed to running you in the ground a little more, rubbing a little extra salt in the wounds.
Sorry for the rambling post! Wasn't sure where to begin, but once I did, it just came spewing out... Now I'm not sure how to end!

Pardon the silence!

So my uncle was kept on the vent for 6 days. The Saturday after his wreck, the machines were turned off, and less than 2 minutes later, he was finally at peace. The funeral home said he had more broken bones and worse breaks than the hospital told us about. We were given instructions to not let anyone touch him, because of his broken neck and shattered face. We knew about his neck, and we knew he had a broken nose and cheek bone - but apparently his face was actually shattered. His wife is supposed to come home today.
So life is returning to "normal" but it's so strange. I get caught up in what I'm doing, then I'm like "Whoa - my uncle was killed by a tex*ing driver!" It's just so bizarre that we lived that - that I was shopping in the mall when I got the call, that it actually crossed my mind when I peaked in before the nurses made us leave that I might never see him conscious again, that we spent days in the tr*uma unit, that I actually watched as the tube was removed and he took his last breaths. Just bizarre.
in other news, my house is a wreck. We simply **HAFTA** get this mess cleaned up, so we can have our second visit, so we can one day get some children in this home! A week at the hospital, followed by funeral stuff, followed by the beginning of tball/softball season for our oldest nephew and niece. One day, my little babies - one day.