Friday, October 22, 2010

Train up a tween in the way she should roll, and when she is old, she will teach someone else...

The 4-6 grade girls I teach at church have been begging me to go roll yards with them. But they rolled my yard a couple of times instead! So Wednesday night after class, they asked me if I could take them, and I said sure. So one of their moms met hubby and me for supper, then took off. The first yard was not very successful, and the mom of the house was actually kind of mad - HER boys don't DO that kind of thing because it's soooooo TRASHY!!!! (Or fun, and the neighbors have seen those boys doing some rolling, but whatev)
We had an ah, "appointment," for our adult Sunday School class, to "visit" some new members, with our b-i-l, and the girls came along to "visit" with us. Between 15-20 of us, over 1 case, it looks good!
Finally, one of the little girls at church is kind of between that group of girls (the "big" girls) and our niece's group (the "little" girls), and she was upset b/c everybody else was getting THEIR yard rolled, and NOBODY was rolling hers!!!! So most of us went to her house and did a quick pitty job.
And now we are home... My back hurts, my legs are already sore from running, and usually that much (read: any) running brings on a migraine the next day...
BUT we had so much fun, and so did the kids! Obviously, as their teacher, imparting the word of God and helping them learn their Bible verses are very important, as is setting a good example by living what I am teaching... But sometimes, they just need to see you having fun. They need to know that it's okay to have fun, and that even grown-ups like to let loose and do ridiculous things!
I also told them that I'm only an adult when it's absolutely necessary, but the rest of the time, I just like to have fun!
Now I'm off to unlock my medicine box and get a head start on this old body!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

My Parents

Hubby has been busy putting out fires for about a week now. No, for real, putting literal fires, like with flames and smoke and 911 and the whole shebang. And it sounds like the're about to get called out again...
So what's a girl to do while her hubby is busy with hoses and big trucks and a buncha men? Eat with her parents, of course! Sunday, I actually had lunch with hubby's parents, because there was a brush fire that got a house. Or house fire that turned into a brush fire, I don't really remember what caught fire first. Anyway...
Tonight the guys were gonna be busy fighting a woods fire, so my mom asked if I wanted to go eat with her and my dad. It got me thinking...
I really don't spend enough time with my family. Especially my parents, who won't be around forever. I'm ashamed to say I don't talk to my dad enough, much less see him! It's no excuse, but I get caught up with work, nieces, nephews, church, housework, etc... And sadly my parents have come after all of that. I don't expect them to be going any time soon, but you never know. None of us are getting any younger, my dad had cancer several years ago, my mom has RA and other stuff... I've got to do better. I told them I would cook for them soon... But what I really need to do is just go over and hang out, or invite them to do the same. And thank them for all the sacrifices they made, for keeping me safe, for keeping our family together through some really hard times, for staying together in a time when so many haven't. My parents are awesome, and I want to spend time with them while I can.

Monday, October 18, 2010

8, 9, 10... Ready or not, here I come!!

Please tell me everyone else saw the news story about the couple in Michigan whose children were born on 8/8/8, 9/9/9, and 10/10/10!
I smiled when I read her quote about definitely not having a 11/11/11 baby - they wanted 3, and she's glad they have that. Such thoughtful wording makes me wonder if she has a sister/friend/etc with IF.
But I have to admit, there is a part of me that would betcha 11/11/11 will be happening.

Friday, October 15, 2010

... And then the poo hit the fan

Apparently, I "st*ea*l the j*o*y" from pg announcements. And apparently, I get mad at people when they are able to make that announcement. At least that's what I was told today. And I responded that no, it doesn't make me mad, I'm GLAD other people don't have to go through this. Does it hurt? Sure. Am I a little quieter and do I keep to myself after an announcement? Sure. If that is misconstrued as anger, then I'm sorry.
Am I angry? Or what am I angry at? I'm angry at and about people who don't have the kahunas to tell me they are expecting. It makes me angry when someone maliciously keeps that news from me, but talks about it in front of me. It hurts my feelings AND makes me angry when someone kicks me when they KNOW I'm already down. I'm angry with the whole IF situation, but not with people for whom IF is not a problem. It does make me angry when a cr*ck he*d can have all the babies she wants, then people like hubby and me spend years trying to help those children straighten out their lives. I'm NOT AT ALL angry with the birthmother who knows she can't give her child the life she desires, and chooses to let someone who can do so raise that child. It takes great strength, bravery, and love to do that, and I have the most respect and gratitude for the women who make that choice.
Those announcements do in fact hurt. I can honestly say I am happy for someone, and still hurt for myself at the same time. I may need some time to digest the news, but I'm still happy for the person.
It sucks to be in these shoes... It's easy to get beaten down when announcements and big bellies and second and third and fourth children all happen so easily for everyone around you, but you've never made it past CD28, and you're trying to follow all these ridiculous rules so that someone else can tell you that you are "good enough" to adopt a child. But apparently, I'm also supposed to walk around with a crap-eating grin on my face and never be sad or upset, so I won't "st*e*al the j*o*y."

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Biting My Tongue :)

No wonder my appetite hasn't been great - it's probably because I spend 3 days a week chewing in my tongue all day. :) just biding my time... Why, you ask? FCW is pregnant. FCW is telling people, and talking about her pregnancy, right smack in front of me, but doesn't have the anatomy necessary to tell me so. And it's really hard to not insert a crapload of smart aleck remarks every time she says something. I really just want to punch her in the face and tell her exactly what I think, in no uncertain terms. But instead, I keep turning the other cheek, and letting her play her game, and let God handle it. It will catch up with her eventually, and I am only responsible for myself and my reactions.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Mixed Feelings

I'm so ready for us to get a r*ail for our f*ront s*teps, finish our last 2 interviews, have our last home visit, and move on to the wait. I've been having dreams of my child, of a little boy, specifically, but I can never see his face. He's never the same race, but always a boy, and always appears to be 2 or under, but always old enough to be at least sitting up. Of course, this could be because we have mostly nephews, or it could be something more. I have come to accept that this is the way we're supposed to adopt this child.
I'm not totally comfortable with this whole idea of dhr adoption, but this is what we have to work with for right now. I'm fine with the children. I know that no matter how our children come into our lives, they will all be loved and cared for the same. I understand our lives, schedules, and priorities will drastically change, albeit in a good way.
What I'm not totally comfortable with is this... I know that I am essentially taking as my own a child whose mother probably did not willingly relinquish. I know what it's like to have the choice of being able to have children taken from you, but I'm sure that is very different from having an actual child taken away.
Our county is kind of spread out, geographically. Everyone from "town" thinks it takes "forever" to get to our community. But when you get right down to it, 30 minutes is not that far. There are lots of smaller communities, but really only one central town in the county - where everyone goes to eat, see a movie, etc. There's another city we frequent in another county, about 45 minutes away from home, but we both work in that city in our county, and for weeknight or quick trips, it's that city.
Do you see where I'm going with this? Couple a small town, with family who were essentially forced to give up their child, and running into strangers that child calls mom and dad? And it's not just made-for-tv drama; I'm not just thinking about Lifetime movies. I know, in real life, a couple who still take alternate routes home, who have had the grandmother threaten to kidnap the children, who are constantly watching their backs. And that's not the life I want for my kids!
As much as I think my baby deserves a new stroller, I infinitely more think he deserves to know his history, he absolutely has every right to know where he came from, and why his eyes are brown or whether or not cancer runs in the family or that he gets his sense of humor from his biological dad. I want my child to have access to this information at the very least. I would love for my child to have a relationship with the lady who first gave him life... But in this situation through dhr, that is definitely an exception to the rule. It is up to the adopting parents to decide how much contact, if any, will be allowed. I suppose it might be easy in court to say, "Nope, we're done!" and run away with our baby... But what about later? I know that our parents will be awesome grandparents to our children, as we have watched them with our niece and nephew. But as a child who grew up without a close relationship with any grandparents, and as someone whose grandparents all died before I was really an adult, I can't take my child away from ANY of his grandparents. As the funaunt, I can't take my baby away from aunts and uncles that have cared for him. And as long as his safety and well-being are not in question, how could I take him totally, forever, completely away from the very people who gave him life? Did they make some crappy decisions? Maybe so. Did they fall into cicumstances beyond their control, that made it impossible to raise the baby they loved? It's totally possible. Does that mean they should absolutely never see this child again? Maybe it doesn't. Maybe it does, but maybe it just doesn't.
If it does, are we willing to take the necessary steps to make certain that our children are not in danger? Is it possible to always know when safety trumps knowing your family?
Of course, it all depends on the situation. Perhaps I've thought about all of this for naught. Maybe we'll never have to find out. But I want to be prepared if we do.

Why my (still hypothetical) child deserves a NEW stroller

It's Sunday. I should, and would normally, be at church, but the coughing, hacking, and sharing of germs would probably not be appreciated, especially by those 3 battling cancer in our relatively small church. And the antibiotic I finished last night has decided it really doesn't like my stomach. So anyway, here are some adoption-related thoughts I haven't taken the time to blog about...
***My baby deserves NEW. I realize that at first glance, that sounds extremely stuck-up and very new-mommyish. But... We are adopting through dhr. I have been told by a dhr worker that she had to take kids from their doctor-parents before, it's not just limited to the poor, the addicted, the abusive. At any rate, my child will be leaving a crappy situation, where he has not received the things he needed, much less wanted.
So when I went to k*ids m*rket, my sister looked at me like I was a crazy person, when I didn't purchase the ONE stroller that was for jogging, with 1 swivel-type wheel on front, and 2 big wheels in back. My reason for leaving it? It was really scratched-up, especially the tray on front. I don't want a secondhand-looking stroller before my baby is even here. My baby deserves a new stroller he can scratch up himself! I don't mean it like it sounds... I'm normally the let's-find-it-at-a-yard-sale girl. Let's look there first, and we'll buy new if we need to. Our first couch was what the previous owners didn't want to move. We sleep in the bed that was my grandfather's, I would have no other dining room table than the one I grew up sitting at for family dinners, card games, and homework time. Our guest bedroom furniture came from an aunt. Most of the toys we currently have are from my childhood. I don't mind second-hand stuff. But for my baby, my baby that may have been abused, or mistreated, or left to his on infant devices... He deserves a new stroller! Without scratches! The crib, I would use the crib my sisters and I all slept in, and older sister's boys all slept in... I know the history of that crib. I know we were all lovingly placed there after being rocked to sleep. I know none of us were left in there for days, never were we "locked" in our crib for punishment. There was a lot of love in that crib. It is still in good shape, though obviously not new after 6 babies and over 30 years, but I would use it in a second.
So I'm not above hand-me-downs. As the middle, but smallest, child, I had plenty. There was a time I had no shoes for school, and my parents couldn't buy them. A friend cleaned out her closets, gave us several bags, and the last thing in the last bag was a pair of nearly-new shoes in just my size. I cried, and wore those shoes with pride. I sometimes like hunting through the thrift store, if I'm in the right mood, and finding an awesome pair of jeans. (As long as I have some hand sanitizer close by... I feel so dirty when I leave!)
Used is fine. Used is great. There was a time when, without used stuff, we would have had to do without. I've never had a new washer-dryer, my fridge at both houses were used, we brought the verrrrry used deep freeze with us to the new house. The houses themselves were made for and used by multiple other families before we moved in them!
But we can afford a new stroller, even though the kind I'm wanting is one of the more expensive kind. Hahah no, I'm not planning to do any jogging with it, I only run if chased, but it's a LOT easier to maneuver than the other kinds. It may be a small thing to some, it may seem silly to experienced parents who know that saving a few bucks is okay, and the kid really doesn't care. Heck, he may not have ever been IN a stroller!
I don't do it because I expect my child to look up through the little sun-flap and say "Oooooh, mommy! This shiny new stroller is soooo perfect! Now I expect only the newest and best for all of my life! Thank you for caring enough to get me the stroller without the scratches!" I don't do it because I am "too good" for used, or because we just have the extra cash floating around for new EVERYTHING.
I do it because...
-My baby deserves new.
-Maybe I'm trying, in some way, to make up for whatever he's been through, probably in the same way that he'll be hugged and kissed forever, he'll have all the bedtime snacks he wants, and will be, through some eyes, spoiled rotten through and through. But he will obey, he will have manners, he will have chores, he will be expected to be the best person he can be.
-And if you come to my house around bedtime, you'd better not laugh when my teenaged son's legs are dragging the ground as I rock him to sleep. Just sayin.
I already have plans to shop for clothes at k1ds m*rket. If our adoption is timed right, I can be set with used clothing for 2 whole seasons. If it's not, I plan to get enough "new" to get us to the next KM sale.
But a new stroller, we will have.

Friday, October 8, 2010

They're on #2 (or 3, or...) and we're still sitting at a big, fat 0

It's so hard sometimes to remember that my time will come.
I look around, and so many people who married at the same time we did now have at least 2 children. People who married way after we did are teaching their babies to crawl, their toddlers to talk, their big boys to read. Bloggers I started reading a few months before our wedding have multiple children, and they had none when I started reading. On fb, I see "kids" that seemed soooo much younger than me in school, and they have multiple children.
I can't say that being a SAHM was "all I ever wanted," but I also can't say I really ever wanted to be a career-driven woman. If someone came to my house tonight, with 1-3 children, and told me I could quit my job and be a SAHM, I would probably hug them until I squeezed them in half. We are discussing and re-evaluating this whole fostering thing.
I try to remind myself that having children in your home doesn't autonatically guarantee a perfect life... That I know people who have children and are miserable, who have children and have other problems. I try to remember that my life is just different - it's not necessarily bad, we're just doing things in a different way, and we're definitely on a different - I hate to say schedule - I guess it's more that our life is taking on a different time line. My time will come and all that jazz.
I've always prided myself on being my own person, not really going along with the crowd.... But just this once, I would give almost anything to just do things the normal way.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Seeing old friends in a new light

I ran into an old kind-of-friend last week at a con*signment sa*le. We worked at the same camp, in the same department, except I was "sumrstf" and she was a "townie."
I kindasortamaybe thought there was a possibility she could be with child, but I REFUSE to ask that question unless I KNOW that I KNOW there is a baby in that belly. She and her hubby are going through the same kind of class we just finished, but they are planning to foster. We chatted for a few minutes, and both said we'd look each other up on fb.
When we connected on fb, I looked at her profile, and lo and behold, my pradar was right again - it rarely fails me! Looking back a little more, I saw a comment from another sumr-staffer who we both worked with my first summer. Through their brief exchange, I learned that they both are (or were) experiencing infertility.
If only we'd known! When we were so incredibly busy playing volleyball, going to Sonic or dollar movies, back when we had TIME to just sit and chat for hours after we finished our shifts! Which might also have been weird, I mean none of us were dating the guys we're married to now, and how would we have known where we'd be 9 or so years down the road.
I get this crazy idea every now and then of staging some sort of weekend get-together at this camp for all us infertiles. Kind of like the blogher event I've read so much about, but on a much MUCHHHHHH smaller scale. Granted I'm not really sure I could drum up an incredible amount of attendees, and I would have no clue how to set up such an event. It would absolutely NOT be to make any money, but there would be expenses, such as on-campus lodging, dining, speakers, etc. Maybe not even have set, paid speakers, but just a weekend to get together with women who are all in the same boat. You know how women like to talk - heck, I would take sitting around and just sharing our stories, sharing what's going on.
Getting back in touch with this old friend, and learning that she and another person-from-the-same-place and I are all IF, renews this idea. But how do you get from idea to actual event? I mean, wouldn't it be a little awkward to shoot a message and be all, "Hey, I noticed on your fb that you and so-and-so are infertile, too! Wanna get together and sing KumBaYah?" Not that there's anything wrong with singing KumBaYah or anything. And yes, there *was* some limited amount of campfire singing back in the day, but not KumBaYah. ;)
So... I wish we had all known about IF back then... And I wish we could all get together NOW and make it into a pseudo-conference-type-event. Any suggestions? Thoughts?

Saturday, October 2, 2010

It was a fun, relaxing day -- then we hit a deer :(

Finally, after 2 weeks of unbelievable stress from my job, we had a fun, relaxing day. No emergency trips to the bathroom. We spent the middle of the day at an outdoor craft festival with hubby's family and a couple of friends. Hubby and I stayed a little longer, then did some furniture shopping and went to eat.
Then, we were 5 or 10 miles from home, I was reading something on my black*berry, heard hubby's frantic "ohhhhhh nooooo".... Followed by a flash of deer, some loud crashing and the deer disappearing under his truck. So much for relaxing! We pulled over to turn around and see if the deer was in the road and heard some horrible scrubbing... It's kinda driveable, but the way the fender is bent in, it scrubs against the tire if you turn right. If you're wondering, the deer is definitely dead.
We are fine. We have insurance. Trucks are fixable and/or replaceable... But it sure does suck. It took some work to stay calm and not have the mother of all nervous breakdowns on the side of the road... Since we still haven't sold our old house, money continues to be tight. We have different schedules, and now 1 driveable car. My job is driving me reallllllly nuts realllllly fast. How 'bout another thing to add to a growing list of things that make me want to take a long vacation and not come back? Except then we would have to own 3 houses :(...
Oh well... The important thing is we are okay. :) And we're glad we weren't in my little car. We probably wouldn't have driven OVER that deer, it would've probably totaled my little car! Just a few weeks ago, we responded to a horse vs car, and they both lost. This, too, shall pass. One day (hopefully soon), we will be past this, and life will not always be this stressfull. Or there will be different stress. Or somethin'!