Sunday, October 10, 2010

Mixed Feelings

I'm so ready for us to get a r*ail for our f*ront s*teps, finish our last 2 interviews, have our last home visit, and move on to the wait. I've been having dreams of my child, of a little boy, specifically, but I can never see his face. He's never the same race, but always a boy, and always appears to be 2 or under, but always old enough to be at least sitting up. Of course, this could be because we have mostly nephews, or it could be something more. I have come to accept that this is the way we're supposed to adopt this child.
I'm not totally comfortable with this whole idea of dhr adoption, but this is what we have to work with for right now. I'm fine with the children. I know that no matter how our children come into our lives, they will all be loved and cared for the same. I understand our lives, schedules, and priorities will drastically change, albeit in a good way.
What I'm not totally comfortable with is this... I know that I am essentially taking as my own a child whose mother probably did not willingly relinquish. I know what it's like to have the choice of being able to have children taken from you, but I'm sure that is very different from having an actual child taken away.
Our county is kind of spread out, geographically. Everyone from "town" thinks it takes "forever" to get to our community. But when you get right down to it, 30 minutes is not that far. There are lots of smaller communities, but really only one central town in the county - where everyone goes to eat, see a movie, etc. There's another city we frequent in another county, about 45 minutes away from home, but we both work in that city in our county, and for weeknight or quick trips, it's that city.
Do you see where I'm going with this? Couple a small town, with family who were essentially forced to give up their child, and running into strangers that child calls mom and dad? And it's not just made-for-tv drama; I'm not just thinking about Lifetime movies. I know, in real life, a couple who still take alternate routes home, who have had the grandmother threaten to kidnap the children, who are constantly watching their backs. And that's not the life I want for my kids!
As much as I think my baby deserves a new stroller, I infinitely more think he deserves to know his history, he absolutely has every right to know where he came from, and why his eyes are brown or whether or not cancer runs in the family or that he gets his sense of humor from his biological dad. I want my child to have access to this information at the very least. I would love for my child to have a relationship with the lady who first gave him life... But in this situation through dhr, that is definitely an exception to the rule. It is up to the adopting parents to decide how much contact, if any, will be allowed. I suppose it might be easy in court to say, "Nope, we're done!" and run away with our baby... But what about later? I know that our parents will be awesome grandparents to our children, as we have watched them with our niece and nephew. But as a child who grew up without a close relationship with any grandparents, and as someone whose grandparents all died before I was really an adult, I can't take my child away from ANY of his grandparents. As the funaunt, I can't take my baby away from aunts and uncles that have cared for him. And as long as his safety and well-being are not in question, how could I take him totally, forever, completely away from the very people who gave him life? Did they make some crappy decisions? Maybe so. Did they fall into cicumstances beyond their control, that made it impossible to raise the baby they loved? It's totally possible. Does that mean they should absolutely never see this child again? Maybe it doesn't. Maybe it does, but maybe it just doesn't.
If it does, are we willing to take the necessary steps to make certain that our children are not in danger? Is it possible to always know when safety trumps knowing your family?
Of course, it all depends on the situation. Perhaps I've thought about all of this for naught. Maybe we'll never have to find out. But I want to be prepared if we do.

1 comment:

Micha said...

You have a lot of thoughts going on there, which is understandable. If TJL and I learn that we are unable to conceive then we will be pursuing the adoption route, and failing that our last choice of foster care. So hard to know what is the 'right' way to handle any of these, given all of the variables. But I guess everyone does the best they can with what they know, and keep on learning and growing as we go. Whatever happens I am sure you will be fine!