Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Looking Back... Looking Ahead

I didn't think I had been that nervous about our visit or my eye exam, but now that they're both over ---- I'm so relaxed! I guess that explains the weird dreams, the increase in migraines, the feeling of being "off"... It's not that I thought they would tell us our house wasn't clean/big/new/good enough, or that we weren't active/old/young/home enough to take on children. More a fear of the unkown, I suppose, even though I was calm and I know that God's got our backs, I'm not one that particularly loves uncharted territory! I hesitate to try new dishes at restaurants, for cryin' out loud!
One of the questions we had to answer was whether we have any negative feelings about being childless. Our simple answer was we have just accepted it as a temporary status - that we've known we wouldn't get pregnant for so long that it just is what it is, we roll with the punches and spoil other peoples' kids in the process. A simple, and totally honest answer.
It wasn't always so easy. From the time I found out, I set my mind and heart on adoption. There was still that mourning the loss of experience, and I cannot honestly admit that baby showers are still not my favorite thing, I sometimes don't want to see huge bellies, and sometimes I still want to just disappear when people start encouraging me to not give up hope of a miracle pregnancy. Dude, how do you know that's even something we care about anymore?
(My 4-year-old nephew has picked up my "dude" and several other phrases I use, and it's rather hilarious!)
It's a little surreal to think that infertility is so NORMAL to me. I find it strange and WEIRD that some people just have to go to bed to get pregnant, MAN, some people have to try equally hard to NOT have another child! Because we never really got to try like that, it's such a foreign concept --- AND I'M FINE WITH THAT! Yeah, at one time it bothered me that we never got to try, sure, it's sad sometimes. But it's okay. This is such a comfortable place to be. Which usually guarantees change is coming soon!
Gone are the days when I try to avoid the whole pregnant vs adopting conversation. I still don't go into detail about our lack of fertility, per hubby's wishes, but I've learned that people are a lot more open to adoption than you'd realize. So many people are praying, and encouraging us, and EXCITED that we seem to be moving so close to our children. And while just a few months ago, I would've not really volunteered an incredible amount of info to complete strangers, I spent a decent amount of time today, less picking out glasses and more talking to the lady who was helping me about adoption and the whole county process and private adoption. She is trying for a private adoption, and it's just so stinkin' nice when you run into someone who is in the same place and shares similar thoughts on the same topics! I imagine this is what it's like when two pregnant mommies sees each other in the mall??? It's just awesome!
This is a great place to be. I look forward to meeting our kids and getting to know each other and finding our rhythm as a family with children... But I fully intend to enjoy the here and now. This patient waiting, days of enjoying other peoples' babies and dreaming of and praying for our own. I found 3 pennies in a parking lot tonight, 3 little pennies all laying there together, and I couldn't help but smile, offer a prayer of thanks and wonder what the significance of "3" is. Pennies are not just worthless change to me. My nephews have been collecting them for my "baby (our last name) fund" jug, and when any of us see change in town, we kind of pounce on it. Yes, I turn into a 5-year-old over roller coasters and dentist visits and a penny in the parking lot, and I am not at all ashamed of any of that! So this may sound silly, but I really felt God smiling down on me - on this significant day, for me to find 3 little pennies! I occasionally find one, but 3 is a rare find! And so I also said a prayer for the 3 children those little pennies represent - whether they will one day be entrusted to me or to someone else. Nameless, faceless children, but God knows who they are, and they absolutely matter to Him. And me. :)
I realize that may sound a little "out there" to a lot of people (good grief, she's giving lost change personalities? Really?!?) However, it's my blog and my own little world and I reserve the right to interpret things in a manner that seems fitting to possibly nobody beyond myself.) Hahaha.
I could go on and on, but alas, this is a picture-less blog, and I'm sure not everyone is as amused as I. :) More later about this comfy place and why I inwardly roll my eyes when people tell me to keep hoping for that miracle pregnancy-after-adoption phenomenon.

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