Sunday, January 31, 2010

Weekend was Better

Whew... It's been a much better weekend. My sisters (especially older sis) really helped me have a good weekend, and now we're a lot closer to being able to sell our old house and only have 1 house payment again.
Still not sure what exactly this week will hold as far as work. Not sure if she'll be back or not, the ph*arma*cist thought probably not. Trying to prepare myself to be ready either way -- either extremely busy and swamped with her job and mine if she's out, or dealing with the conversations and keeping my emotions in check if she's there. Either way, I'm off Tuesday to go to the dr with hubby for a check-up, and the pha*rmac*ist I'd off Wed. One of our bosses will be coming up to fill in, so there again, I'll be trying to keep emotions in check and opinions to myself.
Regardless of how it turns out, just the thought of going to work tomorrow has filled my eyes with tears today. Hoping and praying it's a better week. The ph*armac*ist did ask my aunt (who works for our sister company that we shared an office with for a while) if I was okay, because she was worried about me... Which makes me think I was right with my theory that she didn't have a clue she and the other girl had hurt me. I'm beginning to understand her "psycho" sister-in-law more every day.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Trying to be reasonable

I'm trying to be reasonable. I'm trying to not be so wrapped up in my own pain that I don't see that of someone else. I'm trying to think the best and assume that the ph*arm*acist doesn't realize how she's hurt me. I'm trying not to have the attitude that I will go to work, discuss work, and let them find out my good news from FB or text messages. I'm trying really hard to not just stand up and scream "I AM DONE with you people!!!!" I'm trying to keep my chin up, and not cry, and hold it together.
I'm trying, but I'm not really succeeding.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

It's a Toss-up!

Ugh... As if there wasn't enough going on, I woke yesterday morning with a major, full-blown sinus infection. Skip the gradual come-on, skip the usual fix with OTC meds, go straight to, oh wait, I couldn't go straight to the doctor because I had to work! Let's just say I started an anti*bio*tic and leave it at that. I made it through the day, thankfully it wasn't extremely busy, and went to bed as soon as I got home. And stayed there until this morning.
So, now for the toss-up. Pha*rmac*ist comes in this morning, cheerful as always, like nothing has happened. So we can assume either: a) she doesn't realize how she's hurt me, or b) she's not the caring, considerate, kind friend she pretends to be. I am thinking (A), because that seems to be the case.
Not many people ever see the angry, hurt infertile side of me. I try to keep my outbursts private, as we have kept our IF journey largely private. *** Her SIL, on the other hand, has a (public) really hard time with IF. I have heard some stories- sometimes my response is "wow, she's crazy," and other times I think "ya know, that's common IF feelings right there!" Now maybe she had mental issues before IF, but all of this crap is enough to make even tha sanest among us completely nuts. I've been close to the edge a time or two myself.
But.... Maybe there's a happy medium? If non-IF'ers see an IF'er who always seems together and calm and not eomtional, they think we don't struggle and can therefore "handle" whatever news comes our way. Then we get hurt and they donakt even realize it. However, if they see a daily struggle, lots of tears, and we share every way in which we hurt, then we're "psycho," to use her words. So it's a toss-up, really... Either get your feelings hurt a lot, or be viewed as crazy. What is the haapy medium, and how do you find it?

*** Which we are currently failing, miserably more so day by day. As more and more people hear of our adoption plans, they also either figure out on their own, or someone else tells them. Which was my prediction when we first started discussing our IF issues.

Monday, January 25, 2010

and will they call her to ask if she likes and wants to keep her job?

The month we tried the hardest to get pregnant, I ended up with a cyst, in so much pain I could barely stand, a trip to the ER, etc etc etc... On the day I could barely stand, this same employee told me I could go home, then proceeded to call our home office and tell them, apparently, that we needed help because I was undependable, not calling in when I wasn't gonna be there, etc... Before I even made it HOME, one of our bosses was calling me, asking me if I liked my job, if I wanted to keep my job, did I want to quit or take a leave until things were okay... This was over about 2 and a half missed days... Not "possibly all week." Is someone gonna call her and ask her the same things? No. It will be perfectly acceptable. Why? Because I'm not telling them I'll make it through the day by myself, then calling our home office and ratting out someone who's sick.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

And Furthermore....

(Read last post forr details)
Now I feel quiet sure the whole chQurch will know of our lack of fertility. We've been deep in the IF closet the whole time, with only a few family members and a few close friends knowing anything at all. We just recently got more vocal about our adoption plans, and there are lots of blissfully ignorant people who think we're gonna have "our own" (as if adoption produces fake, not-our-own-children?).
I did go to teach my class tonight, but told the music teacher that we needed to sing a lot... Usually if I'm having a teary day, if I can just get to my kids, I'm okay. Not so tonight. The music teacher sent me bnack home as soon as she saw my face. We stepped in the hall and I told her what was going on. She knows of our adoption plans and figured the rest out on her own... And it helps that she had a friend who went through IVF and the whole nine yards. I went home and kept myself busy preparing for our friends to cpome over after church, until time for preaching. I knew if I stayed busy, I would be more composed for church. After a brief breakdown to tell my SIL, I made it through the service. Having friends over was actually a good thing... I stayed busy and didn't sit around crying all night. One of those friends had several m/c's, and struggled to maintain the pregnancies that resulted in 2 healthy boys, and the music teacher had told her why I wasn't there for class... I love the music teacher, and she does a lot with the kids... But, well, she likes to talk... So now I'm sure word is getting out to everyone... I wanted people to know, but not this way. I wanted to step out of the closet on my own, not because someone dragged me out. Chalk up yet another loss, hand over more control.
To end on a better note, I have decided to take the high road, put away tha claws, and be the bigger person. I sent a text to the co-worker to tell her I was praying... Because I am, for real... Yes, I was/am1ill be for a while hurt. Yes, I am disappointed that "friends" didn't handle it better, or at least in the way I requested when they asked how to tell me. but she's worried and hurting and possibly losing a baby, and needs to be dealing with that. So I put on my bi#g gi#rl p#an#ties and I'm dealing with it. I may not have lost a baby (we've never made it that far), but I *have* lost the dream of a biological child. As most infertiles know, it is definitely possible to grieve for and miss someone who never really existed.

Things That Really Suck: pregnancy news and loss via text messages

Pardon any typos or whatever. Typing with shaky hands and teary eyes via blacbe#rry.
Just got a series of texts from one co-worker that another co-worker will be out tomorrow and possibly the rest of the week. Her hubby is "taking her to the doctor." I have suspected a pregnancy since the beginning of the week. Well duh, I'm infertile, not STUPID!!!!! I have been asked point-blank how I wanted to be informed about pregnancy news among the 3 of us, and it sure as hell wasn't through a few damn texts... She has an infertile best friend, is she telling her the same way? I know we're not buddy-buddy or anything, but we work closely enough that we tell each other things of that magnitude, or so I thought... I'm hurt that she hadn't told me, but they would talk about her not lifting something right in front of me. I'm hurt that I have to find out in this manner. Tomorrow is gonna suck, a Monday by myself with a fill-in phar#macist who doesn't know crap about our office, when I can't do eveerything myself... But it beats trying to work with those two... I need some time before I can face them with grace and dignity....
And now I have to maintain enough composure to walk into my empty, quiet house after being with nephews all afternoon, to get my things together to go teach children who donakt belong to me, and put on my happy face for friends my husband invited over after church.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Pesky Left Ovary, and other thing bothering me tonight

Probably irritable from early PMS and a lack of sleep, but whatever!
*Darn left ovary is aching again, with occassional stabs of pain.
*trying to figure out a way to (legally) raise 45K in a year to complete a dang fast international adoption. Referral within 2 wks of dossier submission? Heck yeah.
*Now my body is aching. Started with left hip(figured that was from an earlier cramp), now includes right arm/shoulder/elbow/side of neck. Huh?
*Work... Currently dealing with psychotic chatter from one, witchiness from another, and oh by the way, it will be me and our diva difficult boss from another office on Friday. *The last thing I want to do is get up 3 hours early in the morning to take a teenager to school, but it also annoys me that I'm annoyed. I have an agreement with her mom as a sort of (mentor? Role model? Counselor?) as we all 3 work to getting this girl's life headed in the right direction. It's something I do want to do, but sometimes leaving my house when I used to wake up isn't much fun.
*Never-ending Laundry Piles, need I say more!
* MUST. Clean. Out. Old. House. So we can sell it and go back to one house pmnt, pay off some bills, and be able to save for adoption, however that happens.
Please forgive my whining and geiping.

Friday, January 8, 2010


We accept a lot of things... Gifts. Money. Apologies. We gladly accept those. Acceptance is also the last stage of grief, but does it really end there?
I have accepted that, barring a miracle from God, I will not get, much less stay, pregnant. I know I've said it before, but God has brought such a peace to me over the last months. It's a strange place to be... A peace that passes all understanding. God promised to bring that peace-- not peace like the world gives, which would probably look more like rocking my newborn to sleep our first night home from the hospital, but peace that only God can truly bring-- being okay with "just" being the fun aunt. I can go rock my nephew to sleep, and come home smiling. Gone is that empty feeling of a quiet house and nobody to care for.
Peaceful acceptance.
Acceptance doesn't mean I don't still yearn to be a mom, it means I accept that for now I'm supposed to be doing other things.
Acceptance doesn't mean I'll never cry after holding a newborn, or leave or skip a difficult baby shower or Mother's Day service, or need some time after learning of the latest pregnancy on the block. It means those times are the exception, not the given rule.
Acceptance doesn't mean I've given up hope, or quit wishing for a miracle, or quit wondering if this is the month occassionally. It means I don't have to be tied down with TTC, calendars, cycles, and being disappointed ever 28 days or so.
Acceptance is cool.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Welcome, 2010!

Dear 2010,
I hope you will be kind. I want you to be filled with laughter and fun. I want to spend my time with you, playing with nephews and niece, friends and family. I would especially like you to bring less left ovary pain and fewer migraines. Please be especially gentle in May, as we UN"celebrate" MD, and prepare to begin the adoption process. Please don't be greedy like 2009 and steal church friends and the health of lots of friends. I would really like it if you have brought a new name for me, and I can quit being NotTheMama. But I understand if your younger brother 2011 needs to bring that. Lest I ask too much from you, I will try to give you, 2010, more relaxation and living in the moment. I will be a better Christian, and I will mentor at least one teenager very closely. I'm thinking about a Bible study for some girls who, for the last 6 months, have been in a lot of trouble.Give them something better to do. I have refrained from washing clothes today at the request of my MIL, so please hold up your end of the bargain. Let's try to get along in the time you have, okay?