Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Random bullet points

Crazy times. Bullet points it is!
*short trip - We spent the weekend in the mountains with my parents. With no children! Love them, but when none of them truly "belong" to you, sometimes it's nice to have some grown-up time. And it was awesome! Lots of good ice cream, no agenda, changing plans on a whim all weekend. So relaxing!
*work - is crazy. I enjoy a long weekend a few times a year, but the catch-up craziness almost makes it not worth it! :/ And our fax machine stopped working over the weekend! We have, in the last couple of weeks, fired one, hired one, and been short-handed (and therefore behind) during the turnover. Throw in some crazy demands from our home office, and more days than not, I'm ready to just walk out. However, that's not an option, so I'm just making the best of it.
*house - is cleaner in the past 2 days than it has been in months! Laundry is relatively caught up (washed, dried, folded, AND put away, yo!), with only a couple loads left. ALL dishes are washed, dried, *and* put away, all my kitchen counters are cleaned off... We came home last night, and my plan is to set reasonable goals daily, and do just a bit more than I had planned. Last night, I planned to straighten the living room. I did that, and washed up a few dishes while I was waiting on some clothes to finish washing. Tonight, I planned to cook supper, finish the dishes, and keep the living room clean. I also cleaned our smallest bathroom from top to bottom, and cleaned off an extra counter. Not sure what will happen tomorrow night. I need to go to church, I need to work on VBS stuff for later this month, I need to keep on this cleaning streak so I don't start falling behind again. I want to see my nephews and nieces. I'll probably be exhausted, seeing as it is after midnight and I would normally have been in bed for at least 2 hours by now ;) Goals are good!
*adoption - is still... Holding on! Hoping to schedule this pesky last home visit that continues to not happen. Hoping for the end of June? Really wanting to get approved and hurry up and wait. I know it will happen when it's supposed to happen, but I want to be doing something proactive to make it happen.
*more - I'm sure I had more to say... But it's late, I'm tired, and I just heard the dryer shut off. Time to finish it up and get some sleep, preparing for another crazy day!

Monday, May 23, 2011

Role Reversal

Usually, during the week, I get home several hours before hubby. I have time to relax before cleaning/cooking (on the rare days I actually get to come home, and we get to STAY home - usually niece/nephew ball games, baby-sitting, etc keep us gone), and I'm up and moving until bedtime.
Hubby usually comes home in time for a late supper and a little time to relax before bed. I try not to say anything, because I do have *more* time at home.
Tonight, I fixed supper - cheated, too: had some chicken casserole mixture in the fridge, only needed to spoon it into a bowl, spread some ground-up crackers on top, drizzle with butter, and pop in the oven.
That is all. I worked an hour and a half later, had to go buy some stuff on the way home, and got in about 3 hours later than usual. Not feeling the greatest, and otc meds don't really so the trick. Hubby came in at his usual time... So far, he has started dishes, put in some clothes, and took supper out of the oven.
You can just call me the slacker wife. ;) I predict I will feel better in a day or two, and... Not cleaning house, because I just found out we will be watching softball tomorrow night, and baseball Thursday night. :)
Hopefully, we're leaving the state for the weekend, with my parents!

Monday, May 16, 2011

I just need to blog about my friend!!!

I could tell you how dumb my job is right now, but I read a blog post last night that made me smile, and did my heart so good!
Meet Ruthie. (Everybody say hi) She and I and her now-hubby worked together at a summer camp several years ago. I don't even remember how I ran across her blog, but she has two beautiful little twin girls. She tells the funniest stories about them, and she writes just like she talks - she's hilarious! ;)
I think I've mentioned the tragedy our state experienced a few weeks ago, when we had some record-breaking tornadoes. Last week, Ruth wrote about perepective. Sunday afternoon, I was waiting for my baby cousin to wake up, and I was clicking through some blogs I tend to click through in my spare time.
Ruth had posted again, and it was her last paragraph that reached out and grabbed me in a huge bear hug. My favorite part was where she acknowledged those of us who are moms, but don't have our children in our arms yet. Go on over to bogueandweejer.blogspot.com and then come back.....
!!! I wish I could say that it's not the exception to the rule for someone to see me as a Mama. I wish I could say that rolling eyes and weird looks were not the "norm" when I talk my kids. The truth is, aside from my blog, I've become extremely selective about just who I talk about it with. Mainly just immediate family and a select few close friends who I KNOW "get it."
It's something so simple. Just one little comment in a whole big post about being thankful for what she has. But those little comments really mean so much! In a world where people facing infertility or being childless NOT by choice are segregated and even looked down upon, it is so comforting when someone can reach over the huge divide and simply validate the way so many of us feel!

Friday, May 13, 2011

Clean off the couch, clear your mind

Okay, so maybe that sounds like a drive-thru psychiatric clinic, but whatever, it's Friday! ;)
Weeks (and weeks) ago, I went through my bedroom and gathered jackets, sweatpants, velour jogging suits, various winter parphenalia - and washed and dried it all, and dumped it on the couch. Where it stayed.
And stayed.
And stayed.
Because I was never home, too busy running from niece and nephew ball games, church, grabbing a "quick" bite to eat, buying groceries, you name it. I made time and energy to wash clothes, but then I picked through the pile that threatened to overtake our living room, instead of folding and putting away.
That changed today. People can SIT in our living room now, in multiple places, on BOTH couches.
I always forget just how awesome it feels to get everything in its place! It really takes away so much stress, it really clears my mind. I can sit on the couch and bask in the blissful blankness.
For about 5 minutes. Then I moved the latest round of washed-dried-and-flung-in-an-empty-corner laundry to the living room.
But that just means I have a clean CORNER now, so that's still progress, right? RIGHT???? Whatever. It's Friday!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

What Drives Me Crazy

***Some people can call in sick, or "hurt" for as many days as they wish, when truthfully nothing is wrong. Others literally can't stand up due to pain, and get harrassing phone calls asking if they like their job and want to keep their job, before they even get home. Care to guess which group I fall into?
***My house is a wreck, but we have "stuff" planned for every.night.this.week, and now I'm baby-sitting a 13-year-old and 4-year-old for the weekend. Because they are girls I love, and they need some positive adult attention! And I'm a big sucker. I don't mind any of the things we are doing (attending ball games, teaching at church, singing at a funeral), but I seriously need to FINISH laundry, dishes, cleaning floors, etc all at the same time, instead of leaving clothes on the couch for weeks, and oh the dust bunnies.
***But what is really driving me nuts right now? People who want to solve our infertility. Hate to break the news, but if several doctors and all of my g.oogling can't solve it, chances are Random Suzy can't suggest something we haven't considered.
And yes, there are limited things we **could** technically attempt. TESE with ICSI with IVF for one. We could try DI for an "easier" attempt. The first one isn't right for us for a lot of reasons, only a couple of which are it's not financially do-able, and one of us isn't exactly jumping to get in line for biopsies and needles and stuff. The second one could be rather simple and much more affordable, but for a whole different set of reasons, not for us, at least not at this time.
What drives me crazy is that most people can't just accept that adoption is what we are doing. If I had cancer, people wouldn't say "But wouldn't you much rather just have an appendectomy instead?"
Because it really is very simple. Almost all of the time, I do not feel like I **hafta** experience pregnancy or give birth. It's just not something I NEEEEEEEED to do. Some women DO feel that need, and that is fine and perfect and natural for a lot of women. But I absolutely feel the need to nurture and mother and adopt.
When I get to the end of my life, I almost always feel that if I look back and say "I never did get pregnant," I will be fine with that. But if I am laying on my death bed without ever having adopted, without ever having been Mama, I will absolutely feel regret and like I totally missed what I was supposed to do, like I failed those who would have, should have been my children. And that is why we are choosing to adopt, not pursue endless fertility procedures.
Some things totally NOT driving me crazy right now: the ability to spend a couple of unexpected free hours relaxing with hubby, instead of frantically working... And Breyer's Smooth and Dreamy Dark Chocolate Velvet ice cream, with 1/2 the fat and 1/3 fewer calories than regular ice cream, AND extremely tasty!

Friday, May 6, 2011

It's Our Anniversary, and not my favorite day is Sunday

In a flash of genius... No, wait, that's not it.
Because I was thinking ahead... Uh, hardly.
It just so happens, I planned our wedding on 5/6/7. Hubby said I made it really easy to remember!
It was also the weekend before Mother's Day, but the two fall on the same weekend this year.
4 years. I can remember thinking we would NEVER make it to 3 years, that magic number where we had suddenly been married long enough to adopt. And now a year later, we need to schedule one more home visit and we're done except for the wait. (Don't think about how other people who were in our class already have their baby. It *will* happen when it's supposed to happen.) But we really need to get our house organized and get her back out PRONTO.
So part of me thinks it stinks that we will always have to cut short any anniversary trips to be with our moms, but part of me is glad I get a legit gift this weekend, as opposed to the (very thoughtful and much appreciated) pity gift I get from my sister. The one that always makes me cry, both because I'm glad she's thoughtful and recognizes that it's not an easy day, and that I'm still getting the pity gift.
Sunday I will skip church. I spent some years MAKING myself go, MAKING myself not cry, MAKING myself appear to be okay. Then last year, I decided it's just not worth it! I grew up in church. My mom played the piano, so we did.not.miss.anything.at.church.Ever! Not Wednesday night, not revival, not prayer meetings, not funerals, we even went when she had to practice with someone else. If you were sick enough to miss church, then you didn't do anything else fun the rest of the day and were banished to your bed. We didn't really have a set curfew (be home at a reasonable hour, let me know where you're going), but if you couldn't get yourself up and be ready when Mama was ready, then you'd have to stay home on Saturday night. That is still ingranied in my head. There is no "just stay home because you wanna" at our house. Even when we'd rather not go back on Sunday night, we almost always do. But especially Sunday morning church (as if God is "more there" and keeping attendance then?), we just don't miss... We may not be at our church, but we ARE at church somewhere!
Ah, skip it! It's so... Liberating. It takes off a ton of pressure, I don't have to get mad at myself for trying not to cry (which only makes me cry harder), or try not to look upset when they are recognizing all the mothers, or answer questions about when I'm gonna be a mother. There are no looks of pity, there's just blissful, rare Sunday morning extra sleep. I leisurely get a shower and get ready to spend the rest of the day with our parents. And that is my mother's day gift to myself. :)
And finally... I picked out my anniversary gift tonight! It's beautiful. It was painted by a local artist. It has an infant sleeping peacefully, with a man's hand gently caressing the baby's cheek. The Bible verse is Isaiah 41:10, "I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
And suddenly, it's perfect that my fourth anniversary, when my baby is so close and yet so far, and mother's day are two days apart. Because I *am* a Mama, even if I can't yet hold my baby, but don't physically show signs of impending motherhood either. And what better place for my children than the hands of God?