Monday, December 13, 2010

Promise I didn't fall off the edge

I'm still holding on! Granted, it's a slippery slope this time of year, and add on who-knows-what-they'll-come-up-with-next at work and well... Let's just say I've started-deleted-started-over-lost-started-over-trashed-it-and-gave-up a wholelotta posts in December.
So I started out in July, singing Christmas music @ church choir practice, and thought this year was gonna be a breeze. The music for this year brought me to a place of worship, instead of running for the bathroom. Let's face it, a holiday focused on sweet little baby born to virgin mommy kinda kicks infertiles in the face repeatedly. Add in presh little cherubs all dressed up and Santa and Silent Night and buying lots of toys for other people's children and knowing YOUR babies are probably alive somewhere in the world but not with you, and you've got a little less than the most wonderful time of the year.
Yes... I try not to dwell on it, but I'm fully aware that my babies are who-knows-where, being treated like who-knows-what, on Christmas. Are they cold tonight, as the temp drops into the teens? Are they safe with loving foster parents, baking cookies and being an angel in the church play? Are they still being subjected to whatever will bring them into care? I can only pray that God is holding them, keeping them safe. That's the only thing keeping me sane.
The girls I teach on Wednesday nights hit the nail on the head... Everyone asks me what I want for Christmas, and I just tell them I don't know... When I know very well what I want - my babies, HOME, for Christmas and forever... But that's something nobody can get for me. "I don't know" works on grown-ups, or maybe it's just that they have a filter that keeps them from doing what my girls do. As they are all hanging on me, hugging me, and trying be the one closest to me, they ask me what I want for Christmas, and I give them the standard "IDK." At least one of them will say "I bet you just want your baby." Ah, sweet little girls. I love them all, and only wish that grown-ups could be so tender and thoughtful.
I've managed to keep it together in public - all of my church Christmas stuff is over, and I made it through all those events without a tear. My nephews' play is this Sunday night, so we'll see what happens when I'm not preoccupied with singing and keeping little ones on stage and passing out presents.
Maybe that's why I procrastinate so much - if I stay insanely busy, I don't have time to stop and think about anything.
And speaking of busy, we found out over the weekend that we're having my dad's side of the family over Saturday for Christmas. This tree's not gonna decorate itself, so I'd better get back to busy!

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