Saturday, October 25, 2008

As if osmosis can cure sterility... I crack myself up sometimes

Haha, you know that person with the sick/twisted sense of humor? Well, sometimes, that's moi! I was typing out a message on a message board, sort of an SOS prayer request for the church picnic in 14 hours... And described how I spent the better part of the day in front of the computer researching IF and ttc things, you know, "as if osmosis could cure sterility".... Good grief, when did I become so cynical? (I actually DO know where THIS question originated... Last night, I went with my older sis to take Oldest Nephew (whoo turned 5 AND got his first loose tooth in the same day!!) to see H!gh Sch00l Mus!cal III... All of these little 'tween and younger girls were clapping and cheering, and of course, the boy gets the girl and everything works out perfectly... I was thinking oh, if only life really worked out like that... Part of me wanted to bust their little bubbles and just stand up and yell the harsh truth of life (you know, except for that whole crazy-lady-who-gets-carted-off-to-jail-for-causing-a-scene-thing), but part of me thought oh, to be young and NOT jaded again... Let them have their fun.
Is it just me, or do I sound like I should be about 60 years older, with lots of cats and no company, ever?

"You deserve it!"

So, why do I seem to always feel like every *else* deserves the things I want most? Examples: A friend, M, is happily married and has 3 kids under 4. My first thoughts when they visited our church? "If anybody deserves all the beautiful children they can handle, it is M. If IF had to happen to one of us, I'm glad it was me!" M grew up with an alcoholic, abusive father, and she and her mom took the brunt of his abuse. It brings me a lot of joy to see her so happy with those beautiful babies. K has been through IF, and is in the process of foster/adoption classes. She and her hubby have been able to keep 3-year-old twins in their home for several weekends, and should know by Jan whether or not the parents' rights will be terminated, then they can adopt the kids. My first thoughts? "She deserves it!! They've been married for 5 years, ttc for a long time... One failed adoption because the country shut the process down. Lots of difficult times. Hubby and I haven't been waiting that long, really. It's their turn, and they deserve this more." Yet another girl, A, recently adopted a newborn straight from the hospital. My thoughts, yet again, "They deserve it!! They've been married and ttc FOREVER, been through a lot... It's past time they get to enjoy a beautiful little girl." I slipped out of her shower as to not mess up what was rightly a very happy occassion. Again, another "A" friend, should be traveling to China pretty soon to finally meet in person the little girl she has met through pictures. My thoughts on that one? "They deserve it!! After finding out their 3rd child had a terminal chromosomal problem, and living on earth for 9 minutes... They DESERVE so much to have their adoption process flow smoothly and be back home with their older daughter, son, and new little Chinese angel SOON!!"
It really does bring me great joy when I learn about other couples receiving and welcoming new babies into their families. Only someone who has "been there" can know how it is so comflicting to also feel that twinge of "I wish it were me..." When I leave another shower trying to cover up my tears... When I leave the hospital with empty arms... When I can hardly finish my meal and leave the restaurant because someone just made a very public announcement yet again... When people tell me hwo they've missed me in the choir, and I can't tell them that I quit going up there because it just hurts too much... Ya know, I'm trying to enjoy this lazy Saturday, while hubby is gone yard-sale-ing and running errands... But I would gladly give this kind of day up, for my own piece of good news. Just wish I knew why I feel that everyone else deserves it and I don't!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Random ramblings

Okay. Not really sure where this is going, but there's a lot going on inside my head, and it's gotta come out somewhere. Please don't feel oligated to read any/all of the rest...
1) Remember the shower I went to during the spring/summer (???) for the church friend who adopted a baby girl she got to bring home from the hospital? (Surely I blogged about that...) Out of all of those ladies, who were nostly from my church, who all came up to me at some point during the shower, there was ONE (1) (uno) who did NOT make a stupid comment or pose a stupid question. Now granted, they were mostly stupid to ME, because most of those people have no clue what we are facing, at hubby's request. But even if they don't know, it still hurts. For the most part, I don't hold it against them, because they didn't KNOW they were hurting me, so it's not their fault, but it still HURT... Anyway... The one lady works with my m-i-l. We'll call her S. I'm not sure if S knows anything about our situation, because it has always been such a private family matter, but it sure seemed like it at that shower. Where everyone else who walked up to our table immediately made some comment about how long hubby and I had been married, or asked when they would be doing "this" (not realizing of course that any shower we ever had would be EXACTLY like "this", but I digress again)... But S simmply walked up, patted and rubbed my arm, and didn't ask or say anything pertaining to my un-fertileness. Such a loving show of mercy, and it nearly brought me to tears right there in my cake and punch. I'm not sure if she was trying to ease the pain or just didn't think it was any of her business to ask nosey questions, but it sure did ease that pain a little, and made me hold back the tears for a whole different reason. I still thank God for her compassion, whether intentional or not. I believe God sent her my way that day.
2) Ahhh... Do I WANT to get pregnant or not? I wrestle with this one a lot, with God. Well, more like WITH myself while talking TO God, but He's there nonetheless. I struggle with why God would give me such a natural desire, let me grow up thinking it would happen and dreaming it would, only to yank that all away? But then I think, there was conscious decisions I made that led me to where I am. I CHOSE to marry hubby, knowing full well what lay ahead fertility-wise. And there were all those times throughout my life where God was plainly whispering adoption into my heart. Now, I'm careful to NOT think about the movie F#ac!ng the G!@nts, and how all it took for her to be pregnant was to look into the sky at God and say, "No matter what happens, I'll still love You!" Then BOOM!!! Out comes the nurse to say hey, you know what, there was a mix-up, and actually, you ARE pregnant. That is NOT how my God works. It's not like He is the Great Oz, or a voting booth, where you just go in, mash all the right "buttons," and BAM, out pops exactly what you wanted! My thoughts are not God's thoughts. He sees a whole heckuva lot more of my life than I do. I only see RIGHT NOW, when everyone else is getting their babies through whatever means they had planned, be it birth or adoption, and I sit with empty arms and a year's worth of knowing exactly when my period fell, with no skipped or late days. Ugh. God sees my future children, and their kids, and their kids.... It is neat to think that when I was that little tiny girl not yet in school, watching Fe%ed the Ch!ldre^n episodes, that God could see down the line to where I am now, to where I WILL be 20 years from now, to eternity. Was He smiling as he saw the little "me" and the adult "me" at the same time? Was He amused as he saw me typing this out tonight, and typing something about my kids years from now, when He knew all along how it would work out? Once again, I digress... But hey'we're in my head tonight, remember, so I can do that!!
I think it is okay for me to want to get pregnant. It is equally okay for me to NOT want to get pregnant. I think God is more interested in my honesty. I'm trying to be more honest with myseld AND with God... For however long now, I've been saying I was completely, totally okay with NOT EVER being pregnant. Was I just trying to convince myself, or God in some way? Because each month, near the end of my cycle, when I lovingly caress my belly after making sure nobody saw, or when I lay in bed and just PRETEND for those last few moments of consciousness, that I am pregnant, doesn't that mean that I'm really NOT okay with it? Right now, honestly, I DO want to be pregnant... To an extent.... If that is what God has in store, that is what I want. If that is NOT how God intends to give me children, then I want it LESS... I can't yet say that I DON'T want it, but I'm working on that. There's a commandment about not creating false gods, and I certainly don't want me yearning for a pregnancy to take a higher place in my life than wanting to please God. I read in a book recently, that God only requires of me that thing which I don't want to give up, that thing I desperately hold on to. I'm trying to hold onto it less and less, and cling to God more and more. THAT is how I will make it through upcoming births and showers and announcements, by clinging to the One who sees and knows all.
Well, I think the washer has stopped, and I know that my eyes are getting heavier with every work I type, and I'm pretty sure the wheels in my brain are creeping to a stop. Time to let sleep take over, hope for sweet dreams, and pray for feeling rested in the morning.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


It was a blah kind of day.... After work, I went to my parents' and fed their kittens, as my parents are on vacation. Mama Kitty had somehow gotten out of the cage, poor baby kitties had been in the cage without their mama for who-knows-how-long. They were pretty loud, obviously hungry! I fixed the cage so Mama Kitty couldn't get out, and I'll go check on them tomorrow morning b4 work. Other than work and checking on the cats, I just laid around all afternoon, reading, napping, etc.
I have a sick hubby... Men are wimps.
I joined fert!l!tyfr!end... who knows if I'll actually do all that monitoring stuff... I would SO like to set up an appt for hubby to get an SA.
Blah.... going to take some midol and go to bed...

Monday, October 20, 2008

Has anyone ever died from self-conflicted sanity shot wounds?

Oh, the conflict I inflict upon myself... (any other -flict words I'm missing out there?) Now, I KNOW I'm not pregnant... But why is it so easy to just... pretend... for a few days, you know, right before Mother Nature decides to surprise me a few days early? Ugh.... But hey, I'm trying to find one sunny spot each month... Based on the current trend, Thanksgiving will be cramp-free. The day after Thanksgiving shopping will not hold any of those ugly surprises this year. And perhaps the most rewarding for today, I made it through W@al M@art without buying even the first little tiny piece of chocolate. I cooked a full meal, and packed us both left-overs for lunch (look at me, saving $$$!!!)... The kitchen is clean, hubby helped me wash dishes and I didn't even have to whine... And the huge-mongous piles of laundry from vacations has been caught up to the "normal" amount of laundry.... One more load for the week, to be done tomorrow.... Tomorrow night's meal is all lined up... I made it through the dreaded baby question today with no problem at all... I'm getting to bed at a decent time again tonight... I'm feeling amazingly positive and peaceful, even as another wasted egg prepares to exit.... Kind of brings an all new meaning to "vicious cycle," n'est pas? Here's to hoping I won't need a mu#scle relaxer this time...

Thursday, October 16, 2008

A glimpse into my day....

Hahaha... Never a dull moment when you deliver meds to mental health patients.
8:57am.... Pharmacist calls to see where I am (almost pulling in the parking lot) and tells me we need to go at some point today and buy a cream to overnight to a home.
9:00... Go in the pharmacy, see a bunch of baskets... A bunch of baskets = a bunch of work (new scripts, medication changes, refills, etc) that has to be delivered after 2:00... Would really rather be home in bed, trying to trudge through the work. Waiting on the drug order to arrive, so I can make a delivery to B, an elderly, darv###ocet-addicted mental health patient, who lives in elderly apts about 6 miles away.
10:15... Drug order arrives, we pack meds, I take them to her house. I have some other meds with me, to return to our back-up pharmacy, and some things to borrow again. I go to B's house first. Ring the doorbell... I hear her talking, but can't make out what she's saying... Ring... Wait... Ring... Wait... Wait... Try the door, it's unlocked, but her dog comes up growling and barking at me... Big chicken, I shut the door. Call the pharmacist. She calls B's house, B hangs up on her, then leaves her phone off the hook. We're not sure if she has fallen, or passed out, or what... We're thinking about calling 911. Finally a neighbor is outside, so I ask them if they know her. No, ask her next-door-neighbor. NDN says she does this all the time, but she can come to the door fine when she needs a cigarette or the food van comes... Calls her... Well, she's on that phone, that's why she won't come to the door. NDN launches into a tirade about the nasty-ness B lives in, how she is catered to too much, etc. All while walking to B's door, opening it, yelling at the dog to get back, and yelling at B to come to the door b/c I have her meds. "The door was open..." "Well, she's afraid of your dog. You need to come get this medicine, She's afraid of your dog and she's not coming in. Get up and come to this door!" (Aside: How wise is it to walk into a growling, barking dog who belongs to a mental patient, when you're not sure if said patient will be found half dead on the floor???)
After a few minutes, B comes to the door, very sweet, oh thank you darlin', thank you honey, thank you so much. So NDN is standing behind me, and continues her tirade as I'm trying to get in my car. (Who's the patient here?!?!) "Somebody needs to tell her nurse how she lives!" "Well, I'm just from the pharmacy, I don't really know much about her. Thanks for your help." "Well, SOMEBODY needs to tell her nurse!! She lets that dog S#&@ on newspaper in that house, never walks it, that house is NASTY. Something needs to be done, call the health dept, she's just a chain-smoker is all she is. Catered to way too much. That's what's wrong, SOME people get catered to TOO much, and the rest of us can't get any help....." Um, sorry? hahaha
So then I got in my car while she was still going off, and on my way back to the pharmacy I though, you know, if this tirade lady really **wants** that kind of catering, all she has to do is go over to the mental health center. If she really wants to live the kind of life B lives, she can. How sad is it to be jealous of mental health patients? (For all I know, NDN is a mh patient, too!)
The rest of the day was less interesting... Which was good after yesterday, when I filled in for the other pharmacy, and was in the basement of a mental hospital preparing to fill the machines in that hospital, then driving over an hour away to another mental hospital (through the ghetto, no less) and filling up their machine. Spending a whole day in a mental hospital is a little less than fun. ;)
Tomorrow I work at the hospital in the morning, then my regular pharmacy whenever I finish at the hospital. Hoping for ZERO funny stories.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Vacation's over... Catching up

Whew.... I do NOT plan on taking 2 long weekend trips back-to-back again!!! I went to bed last night at 9:30! I usually go around midnight... Would've went earlier tonight, but I've been busy. Vacations were good, one was crazy busy with no time to rest and relax, the beach trip was nothin' but R&R and arcade games and ocean time. I thought things would slow down, but uh-uh, Friday night we're going to dinner with a Bible study group from church (forgot about that one, gotta figure out what to cook!!), Saturday is oldest nephew's b-day party, something-that-I-can't-remember is going on next weekend.... Can't a girl just catch her breath? I'll not have another (planned) day off until Thanksgiving.
There hasn't been much time for IF because I've been so busy.... Which is not necessarily a bad thing! ;) It's kind of nice to just be "normal" for a while. I did manage to find some books dealing with IF, and hope, and some good fiction, in the Smokies for CHEAP, but I'm gonna have to hold off on the hope and IF ones until we're done with this Bible study @ church in November. I did read through one of them, though, and just reading through it and not doing the Bible study made me realize some things... For one, that no matter HOW a child comes, that does not "get rid of" IF, those issues will still be there. Different perspective, I guess, than I've really thought about. Good insight from this author. On another note, it IS kind of odd how when I'm this busy, I still have random IF thoughts that seem to hit me out of nowhere... Like when I was cooking supper, and almost lost it because, out of nowhere, I thought of having to go to a cousin's baby shower in several months, and how I was going to work out driving by myself instead of with my sister- and mother-in-law, so I can make a quick exit if need be. Where did that come from?!?! I know that one day, I will be able to face those baby showers, and announcements, and what-not with no threat of tears, and that is what gets me through them now. Whew.
Time for bed!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Home for 3 days...

...And starting the mad rush to recover/unpack/do laundry from one trip, while resting/packing/ironing clothes for the next. Good trip, not much relaxing, LOTS of time loving on and playing with niece and current youngest nephew. Busy days and early nights, because we were ALL exhausted. Enjoyed my roller coasters, enjoyed nobody asking any questions. Was hoping for a little time to have tearful, adult conversations with sister-in-law, but we slept when the kiddos did. :)
I bought.... A shirt for nephew arriving Dec 19 that says "Dear Santa, I've been good ALL YEAR!! (Just ask my mom!)" Oh yeah, it's precious!... A shirt for his big bro that tells the world he is just that, because up until that day, he has been the little bro.... And some other gifts/clothes/etc for all the kids..... >5 but <10>different problem than my own. But I digress.... This store was a discount (would you find me elsewhere? hahaha) bookstore, with more Christian books than anything else. Usually I do good to find ONE IF-related book. Of course, the majority of women I've seen in the stores DO have kids, are working on home-school stuff, etc, but I KNOW there are PLENTY of Christian women who read books and deal with IF. And I also know that I personally do not always feel comfortable walking up to the clerk and saying "Pardon me, but do you have any books on IF?" But if I see a book, I'll grab it up and probably finish it within a day or two. I feel pretty sure if IF-related books were more readily available, they would be sold. Okay, stepping off my soapbox....
Soooo.... The next trip is a beach trip, leaving Thursday evening for about a 6-hour drive, coming back sometime Monday. Ahhhh... This is the relaxing trip, where we sleep in, eat b'fast in the house, head to the beach at a quarter-to-whenever, stay until it gets really hot or relatively crowded (haha private beach, crowded means those drunk empty-nesters that come on the same weekend), take a nap at the house, then get ready for dinner out somewhere and some type of arcade-bowling-go-kart-riding nonsense.... And in the past, the adults with children go back to the house, and those of us married and not with no kids ride around PC looking for something to do besides hitting the clubs, or walks on the beach... This year, though, we may just go to sleep earlier ;)
Here's to getting enough laundry done to have clothes for the beach!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

It's 2 am....

...And most of my stuff is packed. I think. Except the stuff I had to hand up to dry when I got home from the CE, which was actually a little informative this time, since I have nephews with asthma. Now if only I can remember the details I heard, you know, between text messaging and checking email, etc on my phone... (But everyone was doing it, mom!!) Hubby is still packing... Good news: not leaving @ 6am as planned. Bad news: because youngest nephew has to get tubes in his ears Tuesday (found out today!), so he has pre-op @ 7:30... We're meeting everyone else @ the surgery center around 7:30, and some of us are going to get b'fast while mom, dad, and baby do their thing. I KNOW I'm forgetting stuff.... I always do! But there is a grocery trip in the plans first thing, so maybe I'll remember before we go.
Off for a weekend AWAY from it all, enjoying my niece and youngest nephew, and their parents and grandparents, and of course my hubby. :) So why are my neck/back both still soooo incredibly tight, and why won't this dang 2-week migraine go away?