Monday, February 22, 2010

Operations SnapOutOfIt and RestoreOrderToHome are officially underway!

***Big sigh of relief***
I have finally Snapped Out of It... I have come back to life, after a rough start to the workday. Over the past two weeks, God has been speaking, and I have been listening. Through visiting preachers as our pastor spent time with his wife in her final days; through our Easter musical; through the book of Lamentations; through our pastor and his daughters (who are also my friends) and some funny stories; and perhaps most ironically, through a song written by a lady who had an abortion, after God forgave and restored her. It is rather perplexing -- that a song written by someone who took a life would comfort someone who would give almost anything to achieve and maintain a life.
I cracked open my Bible today, I'm ashamed to say for the first time in months not related to preparing a lesson to teach or sitting in church. I purposefully turned off the tv, put down the blackberry, and simply read, and studied, and let God's Word sink into my heart and mind. It's amazing what He will tell us, if only we would listen!
My bedroom is tidy (I really suck at hanging clothes back up after trying on a million outfits and then wearing the first one, and they tend to pile up). My laundry is amazingly caught up -- there's a load drying now, and I should be able to FINISH it ALL tomorrow. Not just wash/dry/pile on loveseat. Wash/dry/fold/put away. My kitchen is well on its way to spotless. The diet is back on tomorrow, back to one dr pe#pper tomorrow, let's finish off this 10 lbs and start working on the next.
I still ache at the end of the day, pretty sure that's R*A and not going away. I still am nervous about next Wednesday. Rightly so -- the SA (please please PLEASE let that be part of the appointment!) Will determine whether we TTC or not, and whether I talk to my gyn about a hysterect*omy or not. A lot hinges on these few hours, and that's okay. I still have no idea what direction adoption will be taking off for us, or how it will be funded. Even though it would seem not a lot has changed, so much HAS... Hope will do that for you!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

If we find out it's azoo...

If, on Wed March 3, we find out we are dealing with azoospermia, I'm asking for a hysterectomy. Welcome to CD1, where the napr*xen isn't really helping, and I'm tired of going back to the same old crap. I'm SO DONE. FINISHED.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Why we hang on to our junk

So I'm sitting here watching Clean House, and they just finished trying to get this couple named Phil and Mindy to get rid of lots of junk. I've been pretty hard on hubby about getting rid of some clutter, but now I think I understand him a little more.
Infertiles give up a lot... Dreams, time, privacy, emotional health, money, in n particular order and definitely not an exhaustive list. maybe hanging on to our junk is just where we put our foot down and say ya know what, I'm not giving up this stuff. I had to give up my dreams of biological children and pregnancy, let a million doctors see me in all my glory, pay lots of money to show them my business, and month, after month, after month, I lose, I lose, I lose. Enough! I can keep my junk!
Now, granted, Phil and Mindy had a lot of true junk to part with... But did you really need to make Mindy cry because you thought she needed to let go of her Babysitter Club book collection? If she wants to keep some books, let the girl have her books!
Was there stuff they could've gotten rid of? Sure. Did they keep too much junk? Sure. But a designer, organizer, carpenter, and tv star hardly qualify to tackle the issues of an infertile couple letting go of the one thing they feel they have control over.
Sometimes, you just want to hang on to your junk.

Monday, February 15, 2010

I've been lost in bloggerland for a while now... Thanks, largely in part, to the Creme de la Creme... My housework has fallen by the wayside in the past few weeks. I recognize the dark depression I've been in, but haven't really admitted so much to anyone. All I want to do is sleep... Or lay on the couch... I m'e myself get up when I have to, but given the chance, you'd have most likely found me on the couch lately.
Granted, a lot of it has just been grief, plain and simple. Cold, sunless weather for weeks doesn't really help.
Hubby went for more bloodwork today... His doc said if he'd seen hubby for the first time, he would've prescribed insulin for injection right away, but that he thinks hubby's diabete*s can be controlled with diet, exercise, and oral meds. More grief, as I'm pretty sure international adoption will be limited even more so, and hubby has purchased life insurance for me but not himself - another darn near impossibility. I really just want one thing -ONE THING - to be EASY. Is that really too much to ask???
My hand is still swollen... Tried to wear my rings today, but had to take them off early in the day. Continued left ovary pain, if only I had time to go to the dr for MYSELF, maybe we could get that figured out.
Sigh.... I intended to sit down and blog about how I keep running into the same recurring things on several Creme blogs, and in my own life. This is a bad time. We need grace to make it through. Somehow, someway, someday, there IS a baby at the end of this, we will make it to that day, and we will be better mommies for all we've been through.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

settling down.... and adoption stuff

Things are finally settling down a little at work. I still don't trust or particularly like or want to speak to the one who suffered the loss, but the other one and I finally got a chance to talk about things... Of course she didn't realize how she had hurt me, didn't realize she had talked about it right in front of me, and said that she didn't care what the other one thought, she would tell me as soon as she found out the next time the other one was expecting. It really is so much easier to work with someone when you're not holding all this hurt in, when you can forgive and move on.
On the adoption front, several things. First, the bad, then we'll end with the good. Hubby goes Monday for a glu*cose test. Dia*betes might limit us as far as international adoption. For the past few days, I have had swollen, painful hands. Rhe*umati0d ar*thrit!s runs in my mom's side of the family. My mom also has lu*pus. Yeah, I'm thinking either of those would limit us even more. I don't really have time to go to the doctor for myself when I'm going with hubby to take care of his medical issues, but I also don't really WANT to know what's going on with me just yet.
Now for the good... I was reading on a private blog about how loving others simply doesn't come naturally. Especially when that person is completely, totally different from us. I can't say I relate... God has gifted me that heart that cares for orphans, that is willing to pick up that dirty, worthless-to-the-world child. I would be among the first to run to that child, pick him up, and hug him. We can clean her up later, but for now, let's just love and feed and hold. It just comes naturally to me. I thought it wasn't anything special, but maybe it is.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Another Nail in the Coffin. Or, hubby was diagnosed with diabetes today.

So I came in from work, threw down my keys, used the bathroom, checked the messages... The normal things I do on any given afternoon. Only this afternoon, there was a message from hubby's doctor's nurse. He needs to schedule an early morning appt, because he has diabetes. Not really a shock, he had a lot of signs and symptoms, but it still changes a lot of things. Namely our entire lifestyle. We are junk food junkies. Tea was meant to be cold and sweet. We've been known to drive 45 minutes away for an ice cream trip with friends. Any time we get together with family or friends, you can bet there will be a pan of brownies involved. Just this past Saturday, I surprised him with cinnamon rolls for breakfast. (Breakfast, IF we eat it at home, is usually whatever you can find) I could eat pasta until I died, and we have spaghetti on a near-weekly basis.
Not a surprise, but not something to be celebrated. Yet another reason to add to an already impossible MFI diagnosis... Actually, the genetic condition that causes our MFI increases the chance of diabetes. Another roadblock to international adoption -- not all countries will let you adopt if you have pre-existing conditions. The likelihood that we will remain childless rises. An unwelcome, impossibly difficult thought. Notice I say childLESS, not childFREE... I don't want to be free of kids. I want that responsibility, I want the sleepless nights, I will gladly take the poop and the puke and the drool and the screaming and crying. Because I also know the joy of firsts - smiles, foods, steps, words. I know that sweet clean baby smell. I love the feeling of those little arms wrapped tightly around your neck in big hugs. It scares me, it kills me to think of never having that.
I need a vacation... A literal vacation, free from work and all the drama there, free from questions, a chance to escape from everything and everyone except my hubby. A vacation from life.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

depression... something I've dealt with off and on for most of my life. It hasn't REALLY bothered me in a long time, but the past 2 weeks have, for the most part, been a downward spiral. I know it's partially due to circumstances with work. There have also been tons of pregnancy announcements from various people and places. It's an emotional time at church, as our pastor's wife was recently moved to inpatient hospice care; they are just waiting for the end. 2 other ladies also continue to get life-limiting news. I know that my younger sis will be ttc in the next few months... Keep in mind, shr has to try to **not** get pregnant.
I used to be a crier. In high school, especially early on, I cried on a near daily basis. Over the years, I developed a thick skin and did a 180... I never, or rarely cried in front of anyone. More and more people are seeing a side of me that I have only allowed a select few see in about 10 years. Our pastor is taking a break right now to be with his wife, so today we had a preacher who has served as an interim pastor for a few churches in our area. For whatever reason, this morning was one of those emotional mornings... I could blame it on the song we were singing, or the mention of the baby shower, or the young couple who had a wedding shower followed by a baby shower literally a couple of weeks later. The truth is, though, it's just that nagging depression settling in.
I don't want to clean house, I want to sit on the couch and stare into space. I don't want to go anywhere, I want to go to sleep. I don't want to cook anything, I want to go to bed. I muster up the strength to go to work, and by the time I get home, I'm just so emotionally spent that I just want to go to bed. Twice last week, I realized I had driven past my destination, either because I was lost in thought or just going through the motions. My stomach has been in distress multiple times in the past couple weeks. I'm pretty sure it's just the emotional upheaval...
Sorry to be such a Deb*bie Down*er... I KNOW deep down that this too shall pass... I know I have the hope of Christ... I know thay weeping endures for a night, but joy comes in the morning. I know I will get through this, but until it's over, I just want to sleep.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

It's getting better...

It IS getting better. Yesterday I didn't cry. Today I was a little more friendly to the ph*armacis*t -- the other one wasn't there. Trying to keep my guard up, but the friendlier someone is, the harder it is to stay upset with them. Tomorrow it will be just the 2 of us, and I'm still trying to decide just how to let her know how they hurt me. Haven't talked to the one who had and lost the pregnancy, as I don't think that's fair or very nice to do while she's still trying to heal. (Not that she seemed tpo care about being fair or nice with me, but let's go with being the bigger person here)
Here's to one more day of work!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

TTC??? Maybe...

So hubby had his every-6-month appointment he hasn't had in almost 3 years. Due to his genetic condition, he has to use synthetic testosterone... There aren't really any doctors in our state who deal with Klinefelter syndrome, so he sees a doctor who deals mainly with diabetes. At his last appointment, right before we were married, the dr set up a consult with a urologist to answer our fertility questions. (I had already contacted Dr. Google, who had pretty much said there was only a remote possibility of conception, with the highest-end treatments)
We chose not to make that appointment as newlyweds, as to give us some time to adjust as husband and wife. Of course that doesn't mean we haven't tried (in vain) on our own. We know the odds are stacked against us, but we have decided to see the urologist to discuss our options.
We're not telling anyone IRL about this appointment... I'm pretty sure they will do SA, and that will pretty much determine our path. We've already decided against the highest end treatments... We're not against the treatments, we just feel like that's not a road we want to travel at this time. With his condition, a count of zero is expected to be the norm, but I really feel like this is the next step we need to take. I need to know if we could pursue some lower-end options. It makes me a little nervous; while it seems like such a simple appointment, it will ultimately either open the door for the possibility of biological children --- or slam it shut in our faces. The appointment is March 3.