Ugh, ugh, ugh!!!! People just don't understand. All weekend, I had people asking me various random questions and making comments about adoption and pregnancy. Here are the top few that got under my skin:
***From *several* people, over several days, in several different venues, I got the "So do you HAVE to adopt, or do you WANT to?" Well. No, we don't HAVE to adopt. I HAVE to go to work, I HAVE to clean house, I HAVE to go to the doctor. I'm sure they mean well, or maybe they're just trying to politely ask if we're infertile without really going there... But dude, c'mon, you make adoption sound like a CHORE. Yes, we very much WANT to adopt. And no, we don't HAVE to, we could also remain child-free. (A phrase I really don't like, but anyhoo)
***"Maybe when you get one, you'll end up getting pregnant!!!! I know that happened for so-and-so!!!" Thanks, but we're not really trying! And unless so-and-so had the same diagnosis as us, that's the equivalent of, "oh, you have cancer? Well I know that so-and-so had strep throat, and they didn't even need chemo and they're perfectly healthy now!!!"
***Have you tried (fill in the blank with anything from, no lie, "put his stuff and your stuff in a dish," to surrogacy, to just about anything else) yet??? You know, just in case I haven't g**gled the hell out of it. And this was asked by a woman who dated someone who couldn't have children, and the two of them "looked into their options," so why was she referring to our "stuff," instead of using proper medical terms. We didn't exactly receive a diagnosis yesterday, and this particular person has known that for a couple of years.if you don't even know the proper terms for the procedures you think we may need, you probably shouldn't be doling out advice.
***Finally... "Well, we're just gonna pray that you do get pregnant and it happened for me!!!" Don't get me wrong, I truly DO appreciate the prayers... But a better thing to do would be to ask "how can I pray for you?" Now this could be debated a hundred different ways - some would say I should be praying until God gives me a biological child, others would say I should accept what God has planned and focus on adoption. I am choosing to pray for whatever God sees best - if He chooses to bless me with a biological child, awesome; if He chooses to bless me only through adoption, awesome; I can also now say if He chooses to bless me only through my niece and nephews, awesome.
I must admit there WAS *one* 1 ONE person who didn't ask me anything stupid, or do the "belly scan" to see if I "looked" pregnant. She went to high school with me. She's been married for several years and has no children. I saw her Saturday, and just got that "feeling" that I sometimes get. The two of us danced around the issue, talked about adoption and other options, but neither of us ever went right out and said "I bet you're infertile too!!!" We both understood each other. We both knew that we didn't want any lame-but-well-intentioned advice, and no words needed to pass for us both to get each other.
Sigh. At least I am learning to deal with ridiculous statements and questions with grace and dignity. I know the questions and comments will only change when children do come into my life. May I also remember this when I am talking with other people going through difficult times.