Wednesday, April 30, 2008

False alarm for me, pregnancy after loss for my sister, possible adoption for a friend, opening a new office this week

And once upon a time, I thought life would slow DOWN after marriage!! Hardly.... Anyway, the title basically says it all....
Of course, false alarm for me, I kid you not, as soon as I signed off after my last post, I began spotting. (TMI, sorry) I went so far as to calculate a due date on the computer. Dont' really feel like commenting on all of that.
My sister will be having my next niece or nephew on Dec 19, scheduled C-section. She is nervous and scared and excited. At least it's not very close to what I calculated. I'm happy for her, and hope everything goes well. Last summer, she lost her baby. Once again, don't really feel like commenting.
Found out Sunday night that a family friend and her hubby have gotten news that they will likely be bringing home a newborn from the hospital in about 8 weeks. The birth parents have 5 days to change their minds after the baby is born. Sister-in-law and I can't remember exactly when the friend started her paperwork, but it has absolutely been way less than the 3-5 years I have been told the wait would be, maybe a year, if even that. They are going through d.h.r, which I said I would never do, but it does make a girl think. At any rate, it's about time for her and her hubby to get their little bundle of joy, they've been trying for years.
Opening a new office... Tomorrow is the oofficial day, gotta be there 2-3 hours earlier than usual. I've been doing lots of driving around this week. It's gonna be way better once we get everything situated, but the location is not really convenient anymore. I'm probably at least 5 miles away from any one place I deliver, and now I have to turn onto a busy 4-lane with no traffic signal and limited sight. It will be good for the ole' mileage check, but not good on the ole' nerves... I'm not too fond of lots of traffic!!! Oh well, I'll be getting more hours and more mileage.
I also learned something new tonight @ church. I was showing my kids an Adventures in 0dyssey video. I got out our Strong's Concordance (the one I got for hubby one year, and I have used it more! Ha!) to look up some verses on friends, had a few extra minutes, and jotted down verses on barren women in the Bible. Most of us know the story of Samson, but for some reason, I had never really paid much attention to the beginning: Samson's parents were infertile until Samson came along. (I was reading all of this while the girls were watching their video... Bad teacher, pay attention!!! Hey, I had already watched the video twice though!) The thought occured to me that in several instances of infertility in the Bible, the child ended up in something big. Look at Abraham and Sarah, who gave birth in old age to 2 brothers whose lineages have been in constant war together, even today. Samson and Delilah.... So the kids learned about friendship and standing behind your friends when they are wrongly accused and God showing faithfulness through our friends, and I learned a little about infertility.
Amidst all of the busy-ness of the week, I have actually been at a loss for words. I'm not pregnant, my sister is (again), 2 families we are friends with gave birth in the last 2 weeks, an infertile friend is adopting.... The tears are always close, but so far even when I wanted to, I could not cry. Even now, as I look over and see the booklet from the male fertility test that didn't really give us any results at all, the tears are back there, somewhere. I've had a Gi.nny 0wens song on my mind a lot lately...
The pathway is broken
ths signs are unclear
I don't know the reasons
Why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through this valley
If You want me to
I'm not who I was When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire if You want me to
And it may not be the way I would've chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
but You never said it would be easy...
You only said I'd never go alone.
So when the whole worl turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear you answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering that Your love put you through
And I will walk through this valley if You want me to

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Okay, freaking out just a little.....

I have spent the weekend (among other things) waiting for AF to show. And waiting. And waiting.... And still waiting. Now, as long as I have been keeping up with it (which was several months before the wedding, so as to plan around AF, and most of the months since, "just in case"), not once have I gone all 28 days. (I know, I know probably TMI, but bare with me here).... Anywhere from 2-5 days early is "normal" for me. Well, tomorrow (technically YODAY since it is now midnight!!!) is day #28. I hate to sound like a broken record, because yes, most months I do spend the last few days wondering and blogging and hoping and trying not to hope and so on.... I usually tend to over-analyze EVERYTHING incredibly too much, but lately I have been feeling a touch yucky in the mornings, but generally better if I eat a little something, even just a few tic-tacs asap. I've had some light cramping for about a week now, maybe a little less, and I'm pretty sure I heard somewhere, sometime, that **can** be an early sign of pregnancy. Hubby encouraged me to just wait a few more days before we run out and by a test. I would've been happy to do it tonight, just to know something for sure.
ADD TO THAT the fact that we open the new pharmacy THURSDAY, so I will spend this week not really knowing where to go to work each day, the bosses are coming up from 3 hours away, I'm riding with one of my co-workers tomorrow to find a new place, we have yet to order all the drugs for the new pharmacy, we haven't moved everything in or organized anything, and we START meds for a drug treatment facility THE DAY WE OPEN..... Yes, this should be an interesting week, AF issues aside, which is IMPOSSIBLE to put aside because even though I've tried NOT to dwell on it, well, here we are....
ADD TO THAT my older sister is definitely for sure pregnant again, after a loss last summer. They had special prayer for her at church today, and I remembered to call her this morning and tell her she might want to let an infertile friend know before the service, because you know, it's just easier to hear it personally instead of a big huge announcement in front of the whole church.
So, I'm sitting here after midnight, waiting to finish a home male fertility test, wondering if we wasted close to $100 for that and an ovulation predictor kit, and for once actually hoping we've wasted money! ;)
So, please tell me.... Am I losing it, am I crazy for hoping, and when should I test?

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Nephews and hubby.... One in the same

Nephews: Mac-n-cheese is a perfectly acceptable supper.
Hubby: Add hot dogs to that, and it's fabulous!

Nephews: Tons of fun to play with, as long as you play by their rules.
Hubby: Well, quite the same.

Nephews: Time? Huh?
Hubby: A few minutes = an hour, right?

Nephews: Can be entertained with cheap and few toys, but love the playstation.
Hubby: Same again.

Nephews: Think picking on me is the greatest way to pass time.
Hubby: Picking on me is his favorite hobby.

So, did I marry my nephew or what? ;)

Meanwhile back at the ranch.... I've had a screaming PMS migraine all day, 3 Excedr1ne m1gra1ne's later, it still hasn't let up.... And my older sister is 3 days late and was stopping to get to buy a test on the way home. I'm tellin ya, all my b-i-l has to do is look at her, and they're having another kid!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Husband-Free and weight loss

Hubby is in the 'Ham until Friday evening, for a banking class/training of some sort. I am a single girl for a few days. What am I doing with my free time? Tonight I went to dinner with my mom, a rare treat for just the two of us, with no husbands, kids, other siblings, etc. I was good and went to choir practice, or tried, but most everyone is on vacation for spring break. I didn't have to cook! I got my hair trimmed. I'm debating whether I want to clean the bathroom, put up the ret of Christmas stuff (shut up, I decorating and un-decorating is NOT a strong point for me!!!), attack the Clothes Monster, I mean floor, in our bedroom.... Or just sit and read a book. Or a blog.
I have taken to chewing on ice lately. I think it may actually be doing some good, because usually if I sit at the computer this long, I have to be munching on some kind of snack. So, my mouth is busy, I'm not raiding the fridge (which is especially good, b/c I still have left-over homemade hot fudge cake from my mom), and zero calories are being consumed. Confession: I did have a Dr Pepper with our meal tonight. But I only ate 2 meals today, and so far no snacking.
However...... Is it okay to attempt losing weight while trying to get pregnant?

Monday, April 14, 2008

We are TTC! ;)

So, we've been kicking around the idea of trying for the impossible. This weekend we purchased a male fertility test, and an OP. After much discussion. And a few different stores. On different days. Saturday night, we almost got an op, then I talked myself out of it. Sunday afternoon, we went to a couple of places looking for mft's. Then when we saw the price, we wandered around the store, debating on whether we wanted to spend (a total for both things) over $70 on this stuff, when more than likely we'll just be going to the doctor after we try these 2 things. If we could ever get on the same page at the same time, it would be like (insert the names of your two favorite superheroes here). Instead, we're more like Tom and Jerry, always chasing each other. But I digress. We bought the stuff. On the way home, I was reading the inserts, and it looks like, at least for my part, we'll be waiting until May. As for his part, well, we've got half a month.
Questions/observations/random thoughts:
**Oh wow, so on our first anniversary, we'll be starting the OP? Gee, um, happy anniversary, but not tonight, honey... How many people can say that?
**So how long do we do this whole OP thing before we go to the doctor? We haven't really spent the last year "trying" to get pregnant per se, but we definitely haven't done a thing to prevent it, either.
**Are there other things we should try before the doctor? Or should we just go straight to the doctor because we already know what the problem is? And should I mention this to my gyn, and will he want to start running tests on me?
**Not telling anyone about this.... His family is just way too private for such info, and my family is just way too hopeful of it happening anyway, because God still does miracles. (Note: I've probably said it here before, but I'll say it again. I don't doubt that God CAN allow us to become preggers. I just don't think it's gonna happen like that... Which brings up several other questions about why we're trying to begin with, if I don't think it's gonna happen.... A girl can always hope, right?)
**So we're really gonna do this... Best case scenario: he actually has sp*erm and it won't take a lot of procedures and testing and time and money to get (and stay) pregnant. Worst case scenario: either A) He has no sperm, but we at least have the consolation of knowing for sure, or B) We try everything possible, none of it works, and we put off adoption until we can afford it.
Whatever happens, at the very least, we will not have to look back in 50 years and wonder what if.... But for the rest of this month, I'm just not gonna worry (okay, I'm gonna TRY not to wory!!) about the months and years to come, and just bask in the joy of knowing that WE ARE
TTC!!!!!!!!! ;)

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Free supper, and door prizes!! And ovulation predictors? Oh my!

Okay. Our community is in 2 different counties. So the fire dept gets to go to 2 appreciation dinners. One is good, with steak dinners, awesome door prizes, and stuff, one is cheap, with hot dogs and bad prizes. We went to the GOOD one tonight, after discussing it all week, and boy am I glad!! Yummy (free to us, b/c the fire dept pays the $50 a couple fee) food... Then we both won door prizes, a $30 gift certificate to L0gan*s R0adh_ouse, and a $25 Wal_M@rt gift card. And I had some great chocolate cake!! ;)
So of course we had to spend one of those tonight, and we were already pretty full.... So we went to the other place. And bought a lot of random stuff. Pedicure set, cereal, toys, etc. We looked just to see if they had ovulation predictors, but here were my reasons for not getting one...
1) Price... They were all just under $20. Now we could've got it without the GC we won, but that's almost a tank of gas in my little car!!
2) Convenience.... Or lack thereof. A couple were for 7 days, and one was for 20 days.... How likely am I to POAS that many days? I've also thought about temp charting, but there again, as easy as it would be, let's face it, my mornings are spent doing the bare necessity to get out the door to work. And what does that say about my desire to have a child? Ugh.
3) Shouldn't we be focusing more on hubby's reproductive system? Don't we need to find out if there are even any sp#erm there before we start buying all this stuff? Should we start with the minor, least-invasive-not-bothering-with-doctors-stuff knowing what we know? Or are they just gonna tell us to try those things first? And what's the point anyway, if we know those things aren't likely to work?
4) I have a friend who works in a big-name pharmacy/store, and she said they have something to monitor his fertility, too, and WM only had OP's. So on the way home, we decided maybe tomorrow after church and lunch, we will go to that store and purchase both.
And meanwhile, I'm wondering if we're opening Pandora's Box....

Sunday, April 6, 2008

I know, I know, 2 in one day... I had been meaning to post about the fire dept since Friday, but it was a busy weekend! Random blog here...
I've been wanting to do something fun and different for the past few weekends, but something always happens. We decide to stay home and clean house, I get sick, it rains, etc. Saturday was a misty day. We slept in until 10:45, took our time getting ready, picked a road, and drove until we were hungry. The road we picked is one we both do/have Travel(led) for work on a regular basis. The town we stopped in can be reached by the interstate, but what's the fun in that? We took several detours on back roads we both have noticed but never had time to take. Now, I claim to live in the country, and I do. (Zero red lights, a few stop sings, a gas station, post office, and volunteer fire dept with 2 stations make up the community!)But we DO have neighbors close by, and one of the roads we rode on was waaayyyyy out there. Those people live in the sticks for sure! Anyway... We ended up in Rome, GA, but I'm not sure we really made it into downtown. It was nearing dark, we didn't have a map b/c I insisted on leaving it home on purpose, and we're not that adventurous in new towns. We ended up eating at O.u.t.b.a.c.k mmmmmmm. We went in 1 store b/c I was looking for some's.. No luck. We wandered back home, hubby showed me a town he used to work in, got a milkshake, rented some movies, and watched one last night.
Hubby's vacation ends tomorrow. Poor thing *only* gets 4 weeks, 12 sick days, plus all bank holidays off in a year. Uh, I think I get 5 or 6 major holidays (one day each) off, 4 sick days, and miniscule vacation time. But in one month, we will have been married for one year, and he has been warned... um, asked nicely, to plan a weekend get-a-way for us. :)Anybody do anything fun this weekend?

A Day in the Life of the Wife/Sister/Daughter of Volunteer Firefighters

6:25 am -- Alarm goes off. Wake up hubby. Throw on some pj's that are laying in the floor, because sister is coming to drop off nephew at 6:30. Hubby, sister, and dad are joining in the search for a missing boy, with several other departments.
6:30 am -- Nephew arrives. Sister sneaks out door while baby's back is turned, otherwise he will scream for an hour. He is wearing a sleep shirt, socks, and wrapped in a blanket. "If nothing else, if he cries, put his pants on and take him out on your swing." Sister leaves. Hubby leaves. Baby is sitting on couch with me, turns around and looks at me. "Where'd JayJay go?" "He went to the fire hall, baby." "He went fiwe hall???" ..... "Where Mama go?" "She went to the fire hall too, but she'll be back in a few minutes!!!" (Spoken wayyyyy more cheery than I usually am in the morning!!) "Be back few minute?" "Yeah, and Grandma is fixing to come pick you up... Do you want to play with Grandma?" "Play Gwama!!!" Mutters some unintelligible almost-two-year-old blah blah blah.......
6:50 am -- Mom arrives, in from work, as the phone rings. It is sister, the genious who has left to go on a sarch for a missing boy, when she KNOWS she's going to be in the woods, wearing cr.o.cks... Like I said, genious...
7:00 am -- Lay back down. Get covered up.
7:01 am -- Darn phone rings again.... Hubby wanting to know something.
7:15 am -- back to sleep.
9:30 am -- finally roll out of bed, rush to get ready and make it to work by 11.
10:45 am -- hubby calls, saw me driving to work. He and our pastor are out getting some water for everyone who is searching.
11:00-2:00 work in pharmacy, wondering if they've had any luck finding a missing 15-year-old. Doubt it.
3:15 -- Mom calls. She's had no sleep in almost 48 hours, wants to know if I can keep baby when I finish deliveries. I'm driving through the ghetto. Sister gets in, they didn't find the boy, so she takes baby home.
4:00 -- Random stuff at home... Decide to go get a hair cut.
7:45 -- Decide to stop at sister-in-law's house, just for 15 minutes.. Hahaha.... Stay for a while, play with kids, make the baby laugh, read books to 4-year-old.
10:00 pm -- Tone goes off on fire radio, alerting us we have a call. Wreck on the other end of the community. Brother-in-law has just come home, said he saw debris in the road, but saw a truck turning around, so he just kept going. Remind me not to have a wreck around him!!
10:05 -- First person on the scene say it looks like vehicle was in tow, and nobody is around.
10:10 -- Everyone else arrives sporadically. Lots of junk in the road. Toothpaste/brushes, loose change, Sirius radio control, $300 bracelet still in case, etc. Wrecked vehicle was, in deed, in tow... Inside is full of blue jeans and other flea market-type paraphenalia, which probably explains why they just left it.
10:10-12:30 -- stand on side of road, pretty chilly, waiting for state trooper to arrive. Spend time helping Good Ole Boy find change for vending machine at his job. Randomly make fun of Drunk Redneck who throws bracelet in ditch when nobody is looking. Hey, cheap gift for girlffriend/babymama/woman he lives with.... Too bad someone noticed it was missing, so he put it back. Gah. Steal something that's probably already been stoeln. See what happened to THEM? Moron.
12:45 -- State showed up, made report, told us we could go home while he waited on wrecker. Guys hose off road to clear debris, glass, lights, etc. Drunk Redneck shows trooper bracelet, then sulks to wrecked vehicle and throw bracelet in back. Hahaha my sister and I (who refer to ourselves as "Good-Ole-Girl #1 and #2" because beforeshe joined, it was basically a Good Ole Boys' Club), specifically watch Drunk Redneck to make sure he doesn't take off with the bracelet.
1:00 am -- Adrenaline still going, can't sleep....

My sister, hubby, dad, and b-i-l are all members... I just go on calls if I happen to be with hubby when they get a call, or if it's something big.... Keep in mind, something big in rural areas could be the 200-ft-long brush pile in the churt pit mysteriously catching fire, during a drought, and surprisingly called in by Drunk Redneck's boss, who apparently has something against the fire dept, and has been suspected of setting several fires since. I promise I am NOT the redneck this post makes me out to be.... That's my sister's job :)

Tuesday, April 1, 2008


It takes a lot to make me cry, but a friend's blog just did. Her daughter was born with a chromosome abnormality and lived for just a few minutes. I had been worried about her, because she had been doing so well, almost too well, in her blog. It was a beautiful post about how she is not okay.

Which made me realize that I am not so okay, myself. I tried not to hope this month... I wouldn't even let myself pretend I "might" be pregnant, when I knew I wasn't. Every time a thought would pop into my head, I firmly and none too gently reminded myself there was no way... And thought it would be easier to deal with that way. Maybe it's the monthly hormones, maybe it's the talk of babies and being surrounded by family, co-workers, church friends, strangers in Wally World, who all have the cutest babies, maybe it was the cutesy ha-ha remarks about why-don't-we-go-home-and-tell-our-husbands-we're-pregnant-for-April-Fool's-jokes comments at work.... Maybe it's the fact that, in one more month, we will have "tried" for one year to do something that the rest of the world seems to do with ease, multiple times, and mostly when they were trying to NOT be pregnant. Maybe it's because hubby's yearly check-up is coming soon and we will probably receive a referral for a urologist, who will probably just tell us what we already know. I don't know...

What I DO know is, my house has become a lot cleaner in the past 2 days, which I now know was to avoid this mess. I'm so much like my Mama. We both take great care of other people, and often neglect ourselves. We work and stay busy and help others and clean house and keep moving until we fall into bed, just to keep from facing crap like this. But eventually, you can't keep going, and you can't run from heartbreak and disapointment and pain forever.

Random question: How sick is it that I would almost be glad to sit at my daughter's grave, just to know I made it that far? And how selfish of me is that...

Update on the flu thing: 2 nephews are back to normal, now the 3rd has it but is improving. The youngest nephew and niece are flu-free. I didn't have the flu, just a major sinus infection I'm still getting over. On another completely random note, I caved in and enjoyed a Dr Pepper after I left Wally World today.... Blame it on PMS!