Monday, September 29, 2008

You know how sometimes, you take things a week at a time, or a day at a time? How 'bout a moment at a time? For this moment, I'm okay... Ask me again in 5 minutes, maybe the tears will be back. Sent a message to a fellow infertile friend who had become very quiet lately... Knowing the probably reason WHY she had become quiet... Yep, she's going tomorrow for a pg test b/c she had an iui 2 weeks ago -- you know, around the time she got quiet. Of course I'm happy for her... And while I wouldn't want anyone to deal with IF forever, it sure was nice when there was someone I could talk to who wasn't pregnant or "almost" there, who understood.
I also know that getting pregnant doesn't make all those fears and uncertainties go away, and ultimately adoption won't either... From reading several blogs I can see that it does get easier, but it's also easy to let those old feelings come back. It's definitely not a cake walk after you've been down this road, even with the most ideal pregnancy or adoption.
I'm reminded again of a song, by oh-what's-her-name, tha blind contemporary Christian singer/songwriter/pianoplayer.... "It may not be the way I would've chosen... But You never said it wouls be easy, You only said I'd never go alone..."
So, for this moment, I am clinging to those promises. I am holding my head up. I am getting some housework done byond the normal laundry-supper-dishes... My kitchen table is COMPLETELY cleaned off. My entire kitchen is almost SPOTLESS. I even took down the ironing board and put it and the iron away, even though I'll need them in the morning. Tomorrow I'm attacking the tub and I just might even work on my bedroom some before we go on our first trip. Yes, FIRST.... Hubby decided that we WILL indeed go to the beach, and that is what sister-in-law wanted. She wants us at the party, but she also doesn't want us to cancel our trip. Just knowing I have 2 shorter work weeks, and will be able to get away for a while, helps a LOT.... And knowing I won't be facing those prying questions from well-meaning cousins at the party lets me relax a little bit more. Knowing 2 close friends are a lot closer to baby stings, but it is a happy sting. Having understanding co-workers is so great... All three of us (myself, the pharmacist, and the other tech) had an emotional day for several reasons, but we were able to talk a lot about IF and all that goes with it. The other tech left to pick up lunch, and our pharmacist just stopped working and hugged me. We just stood there and cried together, and she told me how it WILL happen one day and I'm going to be a great mother, etc, all stuff I needed to hear. I have worked another job where nobody was really that sympathetic, and it really helps to know your co-workers are there for you, and you can be there for them. Her kids call me Aunt NotTheMama just like most kids who know me. I spoil them just like my niece and nephews.
If I don't post again before Friday, I'll be back Monday. I know I won't have computer access beyond checking email on my cell phone, but it is reallllllllllly tempting to just leave the phone at home. We'll see.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

It just keeps on getting better...

Pardon that last rant... Can you tell this is not a good time?!
Well... Let's just say I felt a little less than wonderful yesterday. I had to decide whether to treat the cramps or the migraine (the 3rd or 4th in a week, no less) first... Bring on the mid0l. Which left me with a monster migraine. Instead of cleaning house or getting ready for this weekend's trip, I stayed in bed until I had to get ready for hubby's b-day dinner, almost a month late. So last night, after we got in around midnight, I took a muscle relaxer and went to bed. Didn't make it for Sunday School, but I MADE myself get up and go to preaching. Usually, I'm poking hubby to wake him up during the sermon. Today, I was just struggling to remain conscious myself. Even after a nap this afternoon, I'm still kind of groggy and tired. But I felt better otherwise. My body finally relaxed last night as I slept. Too bad I can't take one of those every night.
So I was already not in a good frame of mind, when the announcement was made during lunch that a fellow infertile friend is pregnant. If you've been there, you know how that feels... Good for her, I'm happy that yet another person gets to experience that.... Wasn't there a better, more private way to let me in on that little bit of info? I lost my appetite, but did manage to eat what I had already put on my plate. I also managed to keep the tears away until we were in the truck. When I sat looking out the window, not talking, and let a few tears fall silently. Because I knew hubby's reaction would be that I can't let things like that bother me. It was easier to just suffer in silence. And now, he's in bed, and I can just let the tears go.
I KNOW God's timing is not right for us to have kids now. I KNOW one day it will happen, somehow. But the question is, how many more times do I have to keep my emotions in check... How many more ruined meals, mixed feelings, awkward announcements, etc will I see before I get to be on the other side.... I really need to get to the beach.

Saturday, September 27, 2008


For the past several years, we have went to the beach the 2nd weekend in October. Sister-in-law knew this, as she was planning for youngest nephew's 1st birthday party. We discussed it, she had said it would be the weekend after that. She called hubby today in tears. She messed up and planned it for the weekend we are going to be (or were supposed to be!!!!) at the beach. Hubby is thinking seriously about NOT going to the beach... In fact, I dare say we can already just go ahead and cancel. Good-bye, sand between my toes. Good-bye midnight walks on the beach. Good-bye best Italian food of my life. Good-bye relaxing weekend I deseperately NEED..... Of course, I can't SAY anything, because she has already been crying. It's not like this trip was a huge surprise. HELLO, WE DISCUSSED IT AND SHE SAID IT WOULD BE THE NEXT WEEKEND.... Ugh.... Hubby asked what I would do if it was one of MY nephews, I said I had actually missed one of oldest nephew's parties, because we were at the beach. Granted, it was not his 1st b-day. What to do?

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Oh gosh.... Mixed feelings

If you could see me right now, I would be banging my head aganist the wall... Or just shedding a few tears, because I've already had some migraine meds, and that whole banging thing probably wouldn't help. (Disclaimer: it is that time again, so hormones/emotions/appetite/give-me-more-chocolate-meter are all out of whack. End disclaimer.)
Don't get me wrong... I'm actually a little happy and glad that it's 5 days early this time... We're leaving next Friday morning for a trip to Pigeon Forge with hubby's family, coming back Monday, then leaving out the following Thursday night for our annual beach trip with church friends. Child-beaering for the month may be screwed, but hey, at least it's not ruining some perfectly good mountain and beach time. AND I can ride the roller coaster and whatever else at Dollywood with NO worries AT ALL.
But... And isn't there always a but???? One bloggy buddy is in Taiwan getting her little girl, and I saw some awesome wonderful pictures of her and the baby... Beautiful baby, and even though I was at work and the phone was ringing off the hook, I immediately started looking into Taiwan adoption...... Another blogger just announced on her blog a couple of hours ago that they are trying again. Happy for them, too, and glad they have that option.
Sigh... Which brings out the other side (does anyone else ever feel all oh shoot what was the name of that movie with the lady who had multiple personalities in like the 80's or early 90's?)..... Once again, I thought about doing an OPK... But you know, those 2 trips, peeing on a stick every day, trying not to leave any evidence.... Ugh... With MY family, maybe, but the in-laws? We're a little new for that.... Maybe next month.... And seeing the pictures of someone else finally getting there little bundle of joy (don't get me wrong, she so totally deserves this, she's been waiting forever and I'm SO happy for her!!!) makes me want to hop on a plane like YESTERDAY.... If only we had that option less than a year and a half into our marriage.... And still praying for a family dealing with heartbreak over a "failed" adoption, which leaves me with lots of questions and uncertainty about the future...... My younger sister just informed us that she is not going to be present for the birth of our next nephew, because her hubby's family is going to the mountains that weekend for Christmas.... She just really doesn't want to drive an hour south to see the new baby, then drive 6-7 hours to the mountains by herself, because she will fall asleep. There is NO WAY I would miss the birth of any of my nephews or nieces, unless it was absolutely not possible at all. I did that once, because I couldn't get off work and couldn't miss class... But I stayed as long as I possibly could that morning, and drove 4 hours back to class on very little sleep... It was hard to stay awke, but you know what, I would do it again in a heartbeat. And trust me, if the shoe was on the other foot, she would probably DEMAND that our older sister stay at the hospital for the delivery at least. And the final straw was reading that someone else is actively trying to get pregnant..... There is something they can DO that has worked before and could work again... Once again, don't get me wrong, I'm glad she has that option, I'm always glad when things work out for other people, because I know what it's like for that to not happen.
I knew this was coming... I saw the signs all week.... Sore, achy, monster migraines followed by cloudy confusion, cramping, major lower back pain.... It's not like this was a surprise. But I always allow myself to think "You know, I've heard you also could feel this way when you got pregnant..." I've thought about going back to the gyn and getting on birth control.... Fewer migraines, less cramping, lighter flow??? I'll take all of the above... NOT wondering if this MIGHT be the month, when I KNOW it's not possible? Priceless... BUT... Taking a chance on there BEING a chance, and not getting pregnant because of BC? No thanks.
I don't want to hit the fast forward button or anything, but sometimes I wish it was several years down the road, and I was looking back on all of this, while holding my own child, saying "You know, it was ALL worth it!" God, please let it be soon...

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I may have found an answer to my elbow probs!

I'm not really sure that I have ever blogged about my arm here... I played softball all my life, and started having problems with my throwing arm in high school. "It's just tendonitis," the coach said, "And if you go to the doctor, they'll just tell you not to play ball... And I NEED YOU to play ball!" So, like most good athletes, I listened to my coach. I wore a brace, slathered on the Fle!x-a%l 454, and smelled like an old man. And still hurt... Then there was a while where I could be holding something in my left hand (dinner plate, pencil, whatever) and just drop it. Fast forward several years, and I'm slicing about 10 cases of lemons in half at least once (usually 2 or 3 times) a week. I think that aggravated it more, as I had continued to have **some** pain and problems, but not a lot. This time, though, my pinky and ring fingers started tingling, along with the elbow pain and dropping things. I finally went to the doctor (and not a good one, either!) and after some nerve studies (ouch) on my arm and neck, he said I had some nerve damage and needed surgery. Did I mention the dude who did the nerve studies told us that he'd had grown men cry and refuse to finish the nerve study, and I just laid/sat there and never flinched? ;)
I had the surgery, and later found out the dude couldn't do surgery without another doctor )conveniently, his dad...) being in the room, because he wasn't yet board certified... Nobody told us this info in his office, and never once was in mentioned that this dude wasn't certified yet. So when my arm didn't improve as quickly and fully as we'd hoped, he said more surgery was needed... My mom said no way, and made me set up an appt in another (bigger, more medicall advanced, with certified surgeons) town.. THAT doctor couldn't believe the first one was going to cut on my arm AGAIN, without doing another nerve study... Repeat nerve study, in arm and neck. Ouch again. No tears or flinching again. The good doctor said there was no nerve damage showing up, but that I definitely should have had some PT after surgery. Another thing the first doctor failed to mention. I drove an hour away, 3 days a week, for 1 hour of PT. I think it hurt more than the nerve study hahaha... The PT told me not to use my left hand/arm AT ALL, for anything.... Did I mention I am completely, totally, 100% left-handed? I got pretty good at being right-handed, but I did cheat some, which lead to tendonitis on the other side of my elbow, along with the nerve problems running under my elbow. Great. It gradually got better, PT was over, I was released from the doctor, and for a while, had very little pain or tingling.... The dropping stuff, that has never went away, and gets worse if I've been doing anything that requires gripping something with my left hand. Let's just say I no longer carry plates of food in my left hand.
So last night during an extended-family-dinner, one of my aunts was talking to her cousin about nerve damage in their necks. My aunt works in the hospital, and her boss had to have neck surgery because of some nerve damage, and now deals with permanent nerve damage in her arm and hand. Can you guess what she deals with???? Yep, she drops things, still has pain and tingling in her fingers, etc. Sound familiar?
We went to a fair over the weekend.... I didn't really connect the dots until today. After gripping the handles and bars on all the rides with both hands, no wonder I've been dropping stuff all week.... I also carried around my 2 and a half year old nephew for the better part of Monday night, because the one time I let him walk, I ended up chasing him around the restaurant. Which arm did I carry him in? Of course, the left.... And that whole pushing the buggy through the store because Aunt NotTheMama is the fun driver? Yep, held on to that thing pretty tight. It's also a busy week at work, so I've been putting tablets and capsules in trays all day, every day. So, it looks like I'm dealing with permanent nerve damage in my dominant elbow and hand. Nice!
Hahaha here's a list of some of my ailments
**migraines several times a month, sometimes followed my nausea, etc
**neck/back pain from a wreck
**bad ankles from too much running and sliding
**vision probs that are getting worse (gotta get back to the dr on that)
Sheesh.... I'm not even 30 yet...

Friday, September 19, 2008

When "the plan" doesn't go like we've planned

Whew. Heart-breaking day in Ukraine today. The family I met who were supposed to have their day in court today (technically, yesterday)??? Didn't. Happen. As in, the boy chose to stay in Ukraine. I started praying last night, and prayed at different times throughout the day, and checked their blog at work every chance I got. While the pharmacist was gone to pick up her daughter from school, I sat down to read their update.... And he decided he couldn't do it. Time invested away from their country, away from their other 2 kids and family and friends and church and jobs and LIFE... Gone. Time they can't get back. That third child they had already planned on being in the family? Now there's a hole. That bedroom they had already prepared? It will be empty. That money they spent on various things to complete the adoption and get to and from Ukraine? Gone. Because he loves that family, but he loves his friends more. Because he doesn't think he can be part of a family. Because he likes the freedom of not being in the orphanage. Because he has no CLUE really what a family is/does/means, and he was probably scared. Because he is just a little boy who nobody else gave a chance, so that when given a chance, he wasn't really sure what to DO with it. Because he is just a teenager, with no way of knowing how to compare two very different futures. Sure, to us, you know, those of us who grew up in America, who never had to live on $8 a day and go from a very structured environment to figuring out how to survive on your own over night, who know that Mama will be there to kiss your boo-boos, or Daddy will teach you to drive that car, to us, it's easy to see what choice we would make, you know, if it were us. We would choose the family.
BUT.... Is this how God feels? Obviously, God is not at all surprised by the outcomes of difficult situations, He knows in advance how things will play out... But He is "not willing that any should perish," soGod provides a Way..... Even though we grew up in church, we didn't really "get it" until we made those steps to become a Christian. Sure, we stepped out in faith. God is not surprised when someone rejects Him, but it has to hurt... So this family gave up a LOT of things (time, money, work, being with their children for weeks, etc) to adopt this boy.... And I am absolutely NOT trying to minimize their pain in any way (I'm sure this is just as painful as losing a child to death)... But God gave HIS SON... His One and Only Son... Jesus died on the cross, KNOWING that people would reject Him... KNOWING that someone would say "Well, Jesus, I really do love you, but I love my (girlfriend/boyfriend/car/house/alcohol/drugs/sinful lifestyle too much to come be with You!"
But it doesn't stop just there... And I'm preaching to myself on this part.... Every time we choose to do (insert a million things here) instead of reading our Bible, praying, witnessing to that person when God whispers to us to do so, giving that extra money to missions or offerings or such.... We are telling God "Sorry, God, I know You gave Your Perfect Son to die in my place, but I love my internet/game system/athletic team/only day to rest/family time TOO MUCH to follow You." Ouch. Does realizing and admitting that hurt you as much as it hurt me?
Please be in prayer for this family, including the son they are leaving behind.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I've lost it a little more hahaha

So there's something going on with my car. It s-l-o-w-l-y loses water somehow, like over the course of a few weeks, which in turn (if left unchecked) drains the radiator. Honestly, I'm not sure how my car wasn't running hot before my dad discovered there was a problem. He says there's either a leaky hose somewhere, or a blown head gasket. No biggie, as we only have 2 more truck payments left on Mr. NotTheMama's truck, then we're getting me something else anyway. Unless....
Unless it starts running rough again... I hadn't checked the H2O in a while, and I could tell when I cranked it yesterday, I needed to add water. I was in a hurry, so I just skipped it. Today, I was a little earlier in leaving, so I went back to the house, unlocked the door, and ran in and grabbed some water. Went back to my car, poured in the correct amount, got in my car, and drove to work.... Notice a missing step in there? Notice I said I UNLOCKED the door, but mentioned nothing about LOCKING IT BACK?????????? Yeah, me either.... I left right before 8:30 this morning.... I get home after 5, and my front door is standing WIDE OPEN!!!!!!! At this point, I don't really REMEMBER not shutting and locking the door, so I call hubby and talk to him as I go in the house. My cell works in the yard, and right inside the front door, but after that, it loses signal. Hahaha I kept talking, just like I was still carrying on a conversation, until I had checked most of the house. I had to get to church, so I didn't have time to check the rest. After my little class was over, I came back home, and sat in my car for about 15 minutes waiting for hubby to get in from work. Thankfully, we live in the middle of nowhere, but "downtown" middle-of-nowhere... Um, I.E., we live across the road from the gas station, and beside the post office, which is across the road from the fire department. Which, I guess, is a good thing, since I seem to have a problem remembering to unplug the iron, too....

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Big. Freakin'. Migraine.

'Nuff said.... 2 Ex#cedrine migraine's around lunch.... Another a little while ago.... 2 Dr Pe#pper's... Piece of cake to add in some extra sugar.... All of the usual things are NOT helping. Just trying not to puke.... Now there's something that doesn't happen very often with my migraines...
Looks like Denis will be getting his stuff soon!
Catch ya later unless my head explodes.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Misc., etc.

***Ukraine stuff is sent! I knew I would forget to buy a pencil sharpener this AM when I got some copies of wedding pictures, but there was one at work... Then goofy me forgot to put it in the package! Here's to finding a pencil sharpener in Ukraine! ;)

***I found something that so far has worked better than the Sl!m*Fast diet... And I just might lose more than that same 5 lbs that usually creeps its way back in over the weekend, since I kept it away (even with niece's b-day party, how 'bout that?)

***I told the in-laws I would try to get our house cleaned up and invited them to supper later this week... They've been without a fridge for a couple of weeks. Any meal ideas? I cook a mean homemade lasagna, but I don't think they're big italian fans.

***Played with the nephews tonight while older sister went to class. Tired Fun Aunt.... We rode the 4-wheeler, played chase, helped dig up potatoes (yes, in my work clothes and Yell0w B0x flops.... Pretty thing to see. I convinced the munchkins and their cousin that if they ran around in a circle, it would make the tractor drive faster, and if they stopped, the tractor would slow down. Hey, it kept them out of the way while the tractor was moving!

***Looking ahead... Slow work week. Man, this is the first really cool night... Makes me want to go to a football game!!! Will we make it to the Japanese steakhouse for hubby's b-day 2 weeks late? We're half-way through the month, which means only half a month until 2 back-to-back weekends of Smokies then Panama City!!!! Which reminds me.... Gotta go turn in hours and mileage! ;)

Saturday, September 13, 2008

I really shouldn't be eating this second piece of cake...

...But I am. And it's GOOD. And for whatever reason, I did not even THINK about hubby's pregnant cousin being at the party. You know, the one who couldn't go to 6 Fl*ags on Friday night, because she had a "stomach virus," then called on Monday to tell us she was pregnant. You know, the one who is entering her 2nd trimester tomorrow, and doesn't look pregnant at all. I was putting on my make-up at 4:30 when I thought about it. Which, incidentally, was the same time my hubby let me know he wanted to be at said party before 5... My clothes were not ironed yet, and it was 4:30. Let's just say, it really sucks to be so darned GOOD at NOT crying during what should be a happy event.
Hubby's other cousin began the dreaded y'all-are-next-so-when's-it-gonna-be conversation. Hubby made several jokes about still having time and letting them have one before us, and we're-shopping-around-for-a-baby.... She didn't really want to let go of the conversation... "Oh, wait, do y'all have something to tell us????!!!!!" Um, no, actually... We would LOVE to be able to have something to tell you, but instead, we're not pregnant, we're never gonna be pregnant, and right now we're waiting on some stupid magic number 3 anniversary. But it tears my heart out every time someone brings this convo up, so thanks... Yeah, that's not how I responded... I mentioned something about Ukraine, but hubby made an aside comment to not even bring that up.
Talked to Older Sister when we got home. She and 2 of our aunts with a 4-year-old and 10-month-old went to drop off clothes at Kid*s M_arket (KM) this morning before daylight. Have you ever been to KM? Madhouse. Do NOT get in the way of a Mama trying to find her baby(-ies) a good deal on a whole new wardrobe. I went with Older Sister a year ago, because she had a bum arm, so I dragged her basket around an old grocery store as she looked for clothes. A little (okay, a LOT) overwhelming for someone who first, doesn't have anyone to shop for, and second, well, CAN'T HAVE KIDS..... So anyway.... One of those aunts (the one with the baby... The surprise baby with a brother and sister in middle school) is having an MRI on the day that people who brought in things can come to shop before it is open to everyone else. She'll ahve to be sedated, so my aunt doesn't really want to leave her, and she can't decide if she wants someone to come help her shop and tend to baby, or just go shop for her. Well, older sister knows that I'm always the first to volunteer to help with the babies, so she volunteered me to go shopping for our aunt. Now, the first time I helped OS shop at KM, I swore I would never, ever go back, unless I was shopping for my own, and maybe not even then. Did I say yet that it's overwhelming? I have no desire to do this, but I'll probably end up going and doing whatever they need me to do. Not really sure how that will go, for sooooooo many reasons. The last time, I was in a better frame of mind, because we were still newlyweds, and there was still hope because everything was new. (Huge disclaimer: I know that some couples will laugh at my thinging that a year and a half is a long time to try, with no luck, for baby) A year and a half later, not so much. The mere thought of looking for tiny baby clothes (little girl is still wearing 3-6 month clothes, thus one of the reasons for the MRI). I can see me breaking down in the middle of the store, and while it's not the worst area in that town, I wouldn't exactly be able to sit outside and wait on everyone else to finish shopping.
Now.... With all that said.... It makes me feel like a horrible, terrible person. My tiny little baby cousin is having an MRI done, who knows WHAT could be wrong with her, and I'm wirred about how I'm gonna make it through shopping for her with my sanity in tact. (Wait a minute, isn't it a little late for that, according to the title of this blog?) I shouldn't be so worried about myself. I should be GLAD that I have all of these babies to shop for, and I should go and enjoy every minute of it. It's not all about me, good grief. For once, I just want to feel like a normal freakin' person doing a normal freakin thing...
So, instead of coming home and having a good cry.... I eat. A big, honkin' piece of homemade b-day cake. Did I mention I keep losing the same 5lbs over and over?
It's one of those rare lazy Saturdays at home for us. We are going to Niece's 5th birthday party this evening, a family cook-out in their back yard. We went shopping last night for her present. We got her a book with like a million stories in it, because she is always wanting us to read to her, and 2 packs of "...In My Pocket..." toys. I think we ended up getting her the kitties and the ponies. She decided she has enough Littlest Pet S%hop toys. The Pocket toys were on her (humongously long) wish list. Hubby was going for the real drum set. Aunt NotTheMama said they're already cramped for space, let's not add to it.
BUT we also got some things for Denis. We got mainly school supplies, because they will pack well. We got him a bunch of pencils and pens, a calulator, notebooks, etc, that will (hopefully) all fit in a planner-type deal, and some socks. I know in the orphanage, they always needed socks. We got a toothbrush and toothpaste, but not sure if that can be carried on the plane??? We are also planning on sending some money so that he can get some things he needs that won't pack well.
We got some pictures of him in an email.... He looks so different!! It's been at least a couple of years since I saw him or talked to him. He has slimmed up a lot, and his VOICE!!!! Oh my goodness, last time I talked to him, he sounded like a little boy!!! Now he sounds like a teenager!! He's taking 10 classes, one of which is Algebra. He wants a hamster. He seems to be doing very well, and I hope he continues to do so. I said from the first time we met him, that he has so much potential. My prayer has constantly been that God would help him to use that potential for good, to become a successful, productive adult, and not succumb to the ways of the streets. So many don't make it through trade school, so now my prayer is also that Denis will stay in school and succeed. We are kind of limited on how we can financially help, but I want to do all we can.
Well, hubby is being productive in our house, so I guess I better go join him... :)

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Another prayer answered... I was going to blog about it last night, or this morning, rather, but I just had to get to sleep.
I mentioned a little about my little buddy Denis. God's fingerprints are all over that little boy, who is now a young man. When hubby and I first met him, it was our first time to go visit with the orphans. We weren't really sure what to expect, driving over an hour away, to the house they were hosted in (R&V's)... V and I had exchanged some emails, but that was about it. We actually went to the airport first, to welcome them, and saw a bunch of scared, timid little boys that weren't really sure what they were getting into. Fastfoward a few days, and hubby and I went to visit. There was a little boy sitting in a hammock off by himself. The kid I usually am drawn to, is the kid who is by himself. We introduced ourselves, made him smile, and tried to "talk" through the language barrier. All of the kids were going out that night, and we just kind of hung out with Denis until he left. While he was gone, we played with another little boy, "Little Sergey," who had a skin condition that left him very fragile. Denis came back, and found hubby and I to show us his new stuff. $ Tree toys don't really seem like a lot, but for kids who rarely get new toys, this is like ten times better than Christmas for American kids. Hubby and I had settled down to play with Denis and his new basketball goal inside the house, when V's neighbor popped her head in the door and said, "I just wanted y'all to know what a God-thing it is that you two came tonight, and are focusing so much attention specifically on Denis. He's bigger than the other kids, and he doesn't always get the same attention. He's felt a little left out, and just today, he was telling Zhenia, 'I good boy, I need Mama... Why no Mama for me? I good boy!!!!' So I just wanted to let y'all know that God has sent you here to play with Denis." I searched and searched for a family to adopt Denis, and prayed God would send the right family his way. I got to see him the next summer, which I blogged about last night.
Last night, in some of my random-blog-reading, I found the blog of a family who is in Ukraine RIGHT NOW.... At orphanage 21 RIGHT NOW..... Working with the same facilitator/translator who came with Denis' group.... So I left a comment on their blog, asking them if they could possibly find out how Denis is doing. This morning, I missed Sunday School because we woke up late, but I do believe I got way more out of checking my email than I would ever have gotten from SS!!! Ihad TWO new comments (feel free to check them out!). They speak for themselves. The way everything seemingly "fell into place," CANNOT be "just coincidence".... I am convinced that God is still all over this situation. A few weeks ago, I had been burdened to pray extra hard for Denis. I didn't really know why, and still don't, but I didn't fail to step up the prayers for the little boy who called me Mama NotTheMama (ha, well, not exactly, but you know...) God's timing on this was so PERFECT, as usual. I am looking forward to seeing some pictures, and finding out what God has in store for this little guy!! He seems to be doing very well, which is a huge relief for my heart, given the "usual" outcome for orphans after they "graduate" from their orphanage.
And the sermon at church today, very appropriately, was about the sun coming up in the morning. Weeping lasts for a night, but there's joy in the morning. Ah, what a good place to be in today. The sun has definitely come up. A few notes of encouragement for those who might read this....
****Jbeeky, your morning is coming SOON!!! When you hold that sweet baby girl in your arms for the first time, all of this waiting will be a distant memory.
****Hey you, your Suburban Saga will soon include a great new house you can finally call your OWN!! Your perfect little boy will be running through the house before you can turn around! ;)
****Weathers family, beautiful Sophie's life was not in vain. I'm praying that soon morning brings joy for your lives in the form of a little Chinese cutie pie!
****Curry's, what joy there will be when you are ALL state-side with your wonderful new SON!!!
****And you, whoever you are out there... There's joy for you, too. Whatever you are going through, just stick with God, and remember your weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
As for me, well, this little "anonymous" blog, just got a little "less" "anonymous" over night.... But what an amazing story I'll have to tell my kids one day.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Okay, another one... Great news!!!!

So, not sure how much I've mentioned about our connection with Ukrainian orphans. I know I've mention my little buddy Denis before. "R and V," as I'll call them, adopted 2 little girls from Ukraine several years ago, and have since hosted groups of orphans from Ukraine in their home. they currently have 5 kids, and I just found their blog, that says they are in the process of adopting 5 more. Two of the 5, are a brother and sister, "Z " (sister), and "V" (brother)..... Hubby and I had the opportunity to go with some friends to see the orphans summer before last while they were in America. All the kids got to go to Wal*Mart (many for the first time in their lives!!!), and one of the translators let Z and V go through the store with hubby and I, because she knew me/us from summers past. It was both amazing and heart-breaking to watch those two kids as they shopped. V would pick things up, and seemed to LOVE the huge assortment of toys! He would always look to Z, and she would tell him if he could or could not get whatever it was he had at the moment. She made sure he stayed close to her, and would not pick up the first thing until V had chosen his things. She reluctantly chose a couple of items, but you could tell she was more concerned about V and his happiness/safety in the store. Also, V, being younger, seemed to automatically latch onto hubby and I, holding our hands as we wandered through the different sections, etc. Z, a little older, but still just a kid, kind of held back a bit. Undoubtedly, she had seen too many times where people just enter and leave her life and was more guarded.
I was ready to go back to R&V's and find out more about Z&V, and try to adopt them myself. This was before I had looked closely into things and found out about the 3-year wait, because we had only been married for a couple of months!! I know that life is not fair and all that jazz, but really.... It just is not at all fair for a little girl to be more "mother" than "little girl." Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that little boy has someone watching out for him, and proud of her for being such a good big sister, but she should get to be a kid, too. My heart breaks and I still cry over the injustice ALL of these orphans face. I would give ANYTHING to be able to have kids, ANYTHING.... I have a couple of friends who are trying fertility stuff and getting ready to look into adoption, and another who is not coping so well with finding out she can't have kids at all, who would all 3 do the same. Then there are so many people in the world who CHOOSE NOT to care for their children. Now, I KNOW that some parents send their kids to the orphanage because they are trying to do what is BEST for their kids. As bad as some of the orphanages are, it beats living on the streets. That is another matter completely. It baffles me that there are so many seemingly "unwanted" children in the world, when so many of us infertiles would love to take those babies into our homes, and just love them to pieces. And not just us infertiles, but lots of fertile myrtles just can't get enough adopted children, either. Sorry for rambling.... Now I've made my way back to the 3-year wait. I just don't understand WHY I could adopt if I was single, but since we got married, we have to wait 3 YEARS, when there are children who need a home NOW. Some of those children will not be around by the time we complete the 3 years, AND the paperwork that follows!!! I also know that I need to get OUT of my head, and INTO God's word.... He will never leave us or forsake us... He has plans to prosper us not to harm us.... He WILL carry us through this storm. He can move mountains and dissipate storms and heal the sick and raise the dead. Surely if He can cause a virgin to become pregnant, He can cause me to do the same, IF that is His will. I don't know if that will ever happen, and I am okay with not experiencing pregnancy if that is NOT where God would have me go. I DO KNOW, however, that God has CALLED me to adopt. He has definitely placed the desire to be Mommy in my heart. I KNOW that all of this waiting, all of these tears, all of this heartache, will make the time when I DO finally bring home my child, SO worth it. My God is not confined to worldly time. I have seen sudden, unexpected changes in my job that I feel are God-created changes. I *could* see those same changes happen with adoption. Wait. Wait. Wait on the Lord. Hey, one of those verses I taught my pre-schoolers one Sunday night --- "I cried unto the Lord, and He answered me" ---
So back to Z&V.... It looks like they could be adopted soon. Z will get to be a little girl. MamaV has such a huge heart for all of "her" orphan kids, and she is so tender and gentle with those babies. As far as I know, my little buddy Denis did not get adopted, and if he is still in the orphanage, he will be "kicked out" soon. I have cried many tears over this little boy, and my heart breaks all over again when I remember R&V's neighbor telling me that just that day, Denis had been asking his translator "Why no Mama for me? I need Mama!" I pray for him often, and think of him often. Another one I would love to just bring on over. Ha, even if we had been married for long enough, I'm a few months too young to adopt him! So, while I am still sad for Denis, I am happy for Z&V, that it looks like they will be able to come to America an have a Mama and Papa and plenty of brothers and sisters and hugs and love, and a chance at LIFE.


It is on, like donkey kong.... Birthday parties, I mean. The season has arrived, and will not stop until after Christmas. Nephew #3's 2-year-old party was tonight, abruptly ended by a fire call, to assist another department, who was assisting ANOTHER department, for a woods fire. Yeahm I'm guessing it's not just a couple of trees on fire, for 3 departments to be toned out. But I digress.... Niece's party is in the next couple of weeks (I think next weekend?!) Nephew #1's is in October, as is Nephew #4's. And #1 & 2's mom.... Mine and my mom and s-i-l in November.... My dad's, #3's mom's, Youngest Baby Cousin's in December, with Baby Nephew #5 set to arrive on my younger sister's b-day. Yes, folks, things are looking a little down on the whole slim****fast diet, not that I could afford it, what with all the birthday presents, births, and Christmas presents to buy.
Tonight's party was full of screaming, whining kids, that only got worse when the 4-wheeler was brought out. This kid got a 4-wheeler much bigger than himself, at the age of TWO, so one of those fire calls may be in the works for him.... I hope not, but wow.
Now I'm back in my quiet house.... The quiet, empty one..... With no babies. I saw soooooo many babies and toddlers and big bellies in town today, and at the party tonight. I want to just grab a baby and snuggle up with it all night. I know that God is in control, and I'll get my baby when the time is right.... But tonight I'm feeling like it's a little cruel to plant the desire to be mommy in someone's heart, then keep that title and priviledge away from them for an indefinite amount of time.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Non-IF Things I've Learned in the Past Few Days

1) If a toilet cleaning product says it contains bleach, it really does. A LOT of bleach.
2) Said product, when (accidentally) squirted directly onto clothing, will turn gray jogging pants you only wear around home orange, immediately, and a black shirt you really (used to) like, a different color of orange, even if you rinse it out real quick.
3) And your black underwear will then have light-purple spots....
4) Those hispanic people in the street are NOT just playing... It's really a fight.
5) Nosey people are sometimes helpful, like that dude on the balcony who told us the other guys were, in fact, fighting and not playing like we thought.
6) A 4-year-old will ride a lot more rides than he did the year before, and get upset when he isn't tall enough or old enough to ride things that some adults can't handle.
7) What should be a 3-4 hour trip takes between 5-9 hours with a hubby who likes to make lots of stops, while his wife sleeps in the (HOT) car, and make a detour on an hour-long cave tour.
8) You know you REALLY needed that weekend get-away-vacation when you actually feel RESTED and RELAXED upon returning home from the following: having a 4-year-old's feet/elbows/head/knees/etc in your face/ribs/back/etc all 3 nights, while you have the worst cold/sinus/allergyjunk you've had in a couple of years, only stopping to sleep at night, chasing around a 4- and 2-year-old and keeping up with their parents, too....
9) Drum Roll....... Your job is about to get a whole lot sweeter!!!!! You're graduating in a month from driver/technician, to full-time technician!!! Yes, folks, I showed our potential new driver around most stops around town today. She kept saying "WHEN I start," which I take to mean she wants the job. She's coming back Friday, when I'll be going to make deliveries in one of the other towns an hour away. I'll still be doing some local deliveries, and occassionally possibly driving to the other town, but for the most part, I'll just stay in the pharmacy and get the medicine ready for someone ELSE to deliver!!
I'm feeling a lot better... I really stepped up the cold medicine and sleep yesterday on the way home, but I usually stay sick for 1 or 2 weeks when I get this junk... I didn't really **feel** sick until yesterday, but that could be because I had been busy chasing after 2 little boys all weekend! This weekend starts the Birthday Party Run that will last until the week before Christmas.
Last.... I keep losing the SAME 5 lbs. I generally do pretty good during the week, then by the end of the weekend, I'm close to where I started... Of course vacation weekends don't really help, especially when I am within walking distance of my favorite ice cream shop that has completely shut down in our state.... At least 2 birthday party weekends this month, and several in Oct, Nov, and Dec, not to mention the 2 weekend trips in Oct, PLUS all the family get-togethers in Nov and Dec..... Something's gotta give!!!! ;)