Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Ah, where to start? I'm getting ready to use some vacation days. I'm going to c*amp with some little girls from church, much to the relief of a mother and grandmother who realllllllly didn't want to go, and are paying my way because they trust me with their children. :) it's the same camp I went to when I was their age (am I really old enough to say that?!?), where I first learned to climb, where I fell in love with the summer camp life. Sigh. Growing up stinks! If I didn't have to have a "real" job, I would still be spending my summers working camps.
It's been a crazy-buzy day at work, and I have a LOT I need to get done in the next 2 days. We are supposed to be closed Friday, but I have SO much to do before I am off for 3 days!!! I'm thinking about doing my best and just leaving the rest - we're truly "caught up," but I was hoping to leave "ahead," so I wouldn't come back in "behind." BUT hubby put in for a vacation day for Friday, so we can hang out and go for a REAL hike, not just a 30-minute or 1-hour walk on the paved trail. Because I decided this week that uh, I need to get MOVING if this sits-at-a-desk-body is gonna keep up with 5th and 6th graders in the woods for 3 days!
So glad for a break from work, and you'd think all would be AWESOME... But in the (few and BRIEF) quiet moments of today, it's been a sad, teary kind of day.
Hubby's cousin was having a procedure today after finding out the baby she was expecting had died. Pure speculation on my part, but I'm thinking they didn't come by this pregnancy exactly easy or fast. So sad for her...
And it's holiday time! Reminders abound of look-what-you-two-are-missing. Grown-ups look funny walking into a children's easter egg hunt without any children. We didn't stay, hubby just wanted to walk in there to see our niece after church, but oh how I long to NEED to stay for those events!!! Sunday morning I'm in the nursery, which is good - I won't have to watch those after church family pics being made, I won't have to look down at all those precious little families and know there's an empty spot or two or three in mine. And Mother's Day is coming up. I'm once again making plans to sleep in during church, and hang out with our moms the rest of the day. It's really such a relief, a weight off my shoulders, and gets rid of extra stress - to just stay home and relax, instead of making myself go and attempting to stay sane and not cry.
So many thoughts and emotions! The realization that I've spent all these years holding back tears at church, but when we finally have our children, I will probably never have dry eyes, out of pure happiness. The sadness that another holiday, then another will come and go with my arms still empty, mingled with the urgency that comes with the knowledge my babies are probably alive right now. My heart breaks for hubby's cousin and another old friend in the face of their losses - I wish they didn't have to be in this place, know this pain. I want to be there for them, but not really sure HOW. The happy for them / sad for me that they probably WILL one day achieve and maintain and bring home a real, live baby that they conceived and gave birth to, and I will not. I'm usually okay with never being pregnant, but this is one of those times it just makes me want to cry.
Isn't it kind of funny? We haven't really shared our fertility issues with many people, out of respect for hubby's privacy (and that of his family)... And yet people know. Just last Sunday, I had a very sweet elderly lady at church apologize for something she said weeks ago about when hubby and I were going to have kids. I told her we were adopting, and forgot about it. Another lady told her we couldn't have kids, and this lady came back and apologized because she thought she hurt my feelings. It's so nice when people apologize, and try to make things BETTER, as opposed to running you in the ground a little more, rubbing a little extra salt in the wounds.
Sorry for the rambling post! Wasn't sure where to begin, but once I did, it just came spewing out... Now I'm not sure how to end!

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