Because there are some things going on right now that I don't want to blog about until I can wrap my head around them... Because I haven't even talked to my husband yet... Because I know I'll just write-freak-delete-repeat... Because maybe writing about this will get my mind off writing about that... Let me tell you my biggest fears. Doesn't that sound like FUN?!?
Being alone. I don't mean just like for a few hours (I usually love that, and *need* my alone time). I play out life scenarios in my head (control issues, much?), and in one of those, we never made the adoption thing happen, hubby died, and I ended up an old maid all alone. My nieces and nephews were busy with their own families. In my line of work, I do see that a lot. And any time I read an obituary or hear about a local person like that, it scares me. We have several widows in our church, and a couple never had children, or their children and families don't come around much.
I'm afraid to not be needed. I like to take care of people, but I also NEED to do that. I guess it makes me feel needed? Granted, there are times I feel *too* needed, but what if one day, nobody needs Aunt NotTheMama for anything?
But that's not what I really wanted to say tonight. It's been a strange couple of days. I'm having trouble remembering some dates, I have no clue what is going on in certain areas of my life, and I'm on the proverbial roller coaster. I did something yesterday I never thought I would do, and got results that I half expected, but reacted totally different than I ever imagined. It's nothing bad, but I'm just not ready to really mention it.
More to come....