Friday, May 6, 2011

It's Our Anniversary, and not my favorite day is Sunday

In a flash of genius... No, wait, that's not it.
Because I was thinking ahead... Uh, hardly.
It just so happens, I planned our wedding on 5/6/7. Hubby said I made it really easy to remember!
It was also the weekend before Mother's Day, but the two fall on the same weekend this year.
4 years. I can remember thinking we would NEVER make it to 3 years, that magic number where we had suddenly been married long enough to adopt. And now a year later, we need to schedule one more home visit and we're done except for the wait. (Don't think about how other people who were in our class already have their baby. It *will* happen when it's supposed to happen.) But we really need to get our house organized and get her back out PRONTO.
So part of me thinks it stinks that we will always have to cut short any anniversary trips to be with our moms, but part of me is glad I get a legit gift this weekend, as opposed to the (very thoughtful and much appreciated) pity gift I get from my sister. The one that always makes me cry, both because I'm glad she's thoughtful and recognizes that it's not an easy day, and that I'm still getting the pity gift.
Sunday I will skip church. I spent some years MAKING myself go, MAKING myself not cry, MAKING myself appear to be okay. Then last year, I decided it's just not worth it! I grew up in church. My mom played the piano, so we! Not Wednesday night, not revival, not prayer meetings, not funerals, we even went when she had to practice with someone else. If you were sick enough to miss church, then you didn't do anything else fun the rest of the day and were banished to your bed. We didn't really have a set curfew (be home at a reasonable hour, let me know where you're going), but if you couldn't get yourself up and be ready when Mama was ready, then you'd have to stay home on Saturday night. That is still ingranied in my head. There is no "just stay home because you wanna" at our house. Even when we'd rather not go back on Sunday night, we almost always do. But especially Sunday morning church (as if God is "more there" and keeping attendance then?), we just don't miss... We may not be at our church, but we ARE at church somewhere!
Ah, skip it! It's so... Liberating. It takes off a ton of pressure, I don't have to get mad at myself for trying not to cry (which only makes me cry harder), or try not to look upset when they are recognizing all the mothers, or answer questions about when I'm gonna be a mother. There are no looks of pity, there's just blissful, rare Sunday morning extra sleep. I leisurely get a shower and get ready to spend the rest of the day with our parents. And that is my mother's day gift to myself. :)
And finally... I picked out my anniversary gift tonight! It's beautiful. It was painted by a local artist. It has an infant sleeping peacefully, with a man's hand gently caressing the baby's cheek. The Bible verse is Isaiah 41:10, "I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
And suddenly, it's perfect that my fourth anniversary, when my baby is so close and yet so far, and mother's day are two days apart. Because I *am* a Mama, even if I can't yet hold my baby, but don't physically show signs of impending motherhood either. And what better place for my children than the hands of God?

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