Sunday, August 24, 2008

I guess you could say that one of my biggest fears through all of this is suddenly going "Oh look, honey, we're in our 50's, and we never adopted any kids..." I try not to think of it, and often shove it out of my mind as quickly as it comes, but in the past couple of days, I've really thought about it. I mean financially, it just doesn't feel like we are getting there, or will get there very soon. Sure, we've made decent, significant progress on getting some things paid off in the past year and 3 months, but it seems like in the grand scheme of things, well, a lot of $$$ needs to be saved. His truck is less than $1000 away from being paid off, but then we will be buying me a car that is more reliable, since I do a lot of driving for work. So we won't be losing that bill, just signing up for it again.
But even beyond just the financial aspect, even as much as we both wants kids, I could see us putting it off and putting it off, until we're too old to keep up with the little munchkins. I don't want to ALWAYS be Aunt NotTheMama, as virtually every kid who KNOWS me calls me, but I couls see it happening. I don't really want to always have my house **this** quiet, but there are moments after I return home from niece/nephews/cousins homes or from being out in town, where I am glad to get back into my quiet little house. Don't get me wrong, I'm usually making more noise than the kiddos, it's fun that way..... But I also enjoy the quiet. Maybe I'm just not accustomed to it, because my older sister says she doesn't really hear kid-racket! ;)
And then there are times when I think I like the routine (or lack thereof) we have set up around home. I don't have to stop reading blogs because the baby needs something to eat. If I want to sleep in, I do. I only have to get myself ready to go somewhere. I don't have to find a babysitter for funerals and weddings and showers and such. But those are all very selfish reasons for wanting to remain a family of two. And I would give up my routine and quiet house for a baby when the time finally comes, without a doubt. Sometimes the quiet is TOO quiet. Sometimes I would much RATHER be trying to calm a screaming baby than read of yet another woman's misadventures in trying for baby. I am in awe of how moms do it all. They keep their house cleaner than mine, and take good care of their kids, and go to ball games and plays and concerts and manage to go to work, too.... Honestly, some weeks if the laundry all gets washed but stays on the couch, I feel like for that week it was significant progress. But with a baby crawling around, you can't really just NOT sweep the floor because it will take away from your blog-reading time. You can't really leave those dishes for another day, because baby NEEDS those bottles NOW. The ominous Yellow Room (extra bedroom / storage room) can't be left open when a toddler could fall and cut herself on that mirror we just HAD to have, or empty all those Christmas decoration containers.
Sigh.... I'm beginning to think that whole "three-year rule" is in place because it will take me that long (or longer!!!) to actually get my house organized and a set cleaning routine established!!!
Thanks to Jbeeky and Ellen for your comments. :) Yeah, it really would have been quicker to postpone marriage until after I had adopted as a single woman!!! And Ellen, my hubby has Klinefelter syndrome, or XXY, and as a result, his body likely doesn't produce any sperm. We are thinking about an SA, though, just to "prove it" even though the doctor just laughed when I was freaking out a couple of weeks before our wedding about our chances of getting pregnant on the honeymoon. I can laugh now, because obviously that didn't happen and I was flipping out for no reason!
Ugh, my thoughts are just all over tonight!! I had a brother and sister in the classroom tonight, waiting on their mom to take them to preaching. The brother (1st grader) asked me if we had any kids. The sister (age 4) piped in and said that we needed to have some. Then the brother got this confused look on his face and said, "Did y'all EVER have any kids????" So cute and funny!!! I later found out that they had been talking at home about how some people just don't have kids. Their mom explained that it was kind of like their grandparents not having kids, because their kids had grown up and had kids. So those poor kids are thinking that our kids are already grown, I guess!! Or that we just got tired of them and kicked them out! It really doesn't bother me at all for kids to ask questions, because they are just innocent and really want to know the answer. They are not trying to be nosey or rude or pushy, they just really want to know why we don't have kids, when everyone else does. And right now, for this moment, I am doing better with everything.... There were several visiting newborns/babies at church today, and I was completely fine with holding them ALL. We went to see some friends who have a 2-week-old baby brother for their 2-year-old son, and I really and truly enjoyed visiting and holding that tiny little boy!!! No threat of tears at all. AND we had a family reunion yesterday, and NOBODY asked me when we were having kids!!!! There were, in fact, NO questions about our future children, AT ALL.... It was very nice to just be able to relax and play with everyone else's kids and hold their babies, without trying to dodge questions and bite my lip to keep the tears at bay.
Okay, this is getting long, and very scattered.... And that laundry is just about done, so it's off to bed!!

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