Okay. Not really sure where this is going, but there's a lot going on inside my head, and it's gotta come out somewhere. Please don't feel oligated to read any/all of the rest...
1) Remember the shower I went to during the spring/summer (???) for the church friend who adopted a baby girl she got to bring home from the hospital? (Surely I blogged about that...) Out of all of those ladies, who were nostly from my church, who all came up to me at some point during the shower, there was ONE (1) (uno) who did NOT make a stupid comment or pose a stupid question. Now granted, they were mostly stupid to ME, because most of those people have no clue what we are facing, at hubby's request. But even if they don't know, it still hurts. For the most part, I don't hold it against them, because they didn't KNOW they were hurting me, so it's not their fault, but it still HURT... Anyway... The one lady works with my m-i-l. We'll call her S. I'm not sure if S knows anything about our situation, because it has always been such a private family matter, but it sure seemed like it at that shower. Where everyone else who walked up to our table immediately made some comment about how long hubby and I had been married, or asked when they would be doing "this" (not realizing of course that any shower we ever had would be EXACTLY like "this", but I digress again)... But S simmply walked up, patted and rubbed my arm, and didn't ask or say anything pertaining to my un-fertileness. Such a loving show of mercy, and it nearly brought me to tears right there in my cake and punch. I'm not sure if she was trying to ease the pain or just didn't think it was any of her business to ask nosey questions, but it sure did ease that pain a little, and made me hold back the tears for a whole different reason. I still thank God for her compassion, whether intentional or not. I believe God sent her my way that day.
2) Ahhh... Do I WANT to get pregnant or not? I wrestle with this one a lot, with God. Well, more like WITH myself while talking TO God, but He's there nonetheless. I struggle with why God would give me such a natural desire, let me grow up thinking it would happen and dreaming it would, only to yank that all away? But then I think, there was conscious decisions I made that led me to where I am. I CHOSE to marry hubby, knowing full well what lay ahead fertility-wise. And there were all those times throughout my life where God was plainly whispering adoption into my heart. Now, I'm careful to NOT think about the movie F#ac!ng the G!@nts, and how all it took for her to be pregnant was to look into the sky at God and say, "No matter what happens, I'll still love You!" Then BOOM!!! Out comes the nurse to say hey, you know what, there was a mix-up, and actually, you ARE pregnant. That is NOT how my God works. It's not like He is the Great Oz, or a voting booth, where you just go in, mash all the right "buttons," and BAM, out pops exactly what you wanted! My thoughts are not God's thoughts. He sees a whole heckuva lot more of my life than I do. I only see RIGHT NOW, when everyone else is getting their babies through whatever means they had planned, be it birth or adoption, and I sit with empty arms and a year's worth of knowing exactly when my period fell, with no skipped or late days. Ugh. God sees my future children, and their kids, and their kids.... It is neat to think that when I was that little tiny girl not yet in school, watching Fe%ed the Ch!ldre^n episodes, that God could see down the line to where I am now, to where I WILL be 20 years from now, to eternity. Was He smiling as he saw the little "me" and the adult "me" at the same time? Was He amused as he saw me typing this out tonight, and typing something about my kids years from now, when He knew all along how it would work out? Once again, I digress... But hey'we're in my head tonight, remember, so I can do that!!
I think it is okay for me to want to get pregnant. It is equally okay for me to NOT want to get pregnant. I think God is more interested in my honesty. I'm trying to be more honest with myseld AND with God... For however long now, I've been saying I was completely, totally okay with NOT EVER being pregnant. Was I just trying to convince myself, or God in some way? Because each month, near the end of my cycle, when I lovingly caress my belly after making sure nobody saw, or when I lay in bed and just PRETEND for those last few moments of consciousness, that I am pregnant, doesn't that mean that I'm really NOT okay with it? Right now, honestly, I DO want to be pregnant... To an extent.... If that is what God has in store, that is what I want. If that is NOT how God intends to give me children, then I want it LESS... I can't yet say that I DON'T want it, but I'm working on that. There's a commandment about not creating false gods, and I certainly don't want me yearning for a pregnancy to take a higher place in my life than wanting to please God. I read in a book recently, that God only requires of me that thing which I don't want to give up, that thing I desperately hold on to. I'm trying to hold onto it less and less, and cling to God more and more. THAT is how I will make it through upcoming births and showers and announcements, by clinging to the One who sees and knows all.
Well, I think the washer has stopped, and I know that my eyes are getting heavier with every work I type, and I'm pretty sure the wheels in my brain are creeping to a stop. Time to let sleep take over, hope for sweet dreams, and pray for feeling rested in the morning.