Sunday, November 2, 2008

So I'm sitting there, waiting for church to start. I had picked up my 1-year-old nephew from the nursery, and was talking to my 5-year-old niece and her cousin while playing with baby... Didn't really have time to look at the bulletin before the service started. Then I hear our pastor saying something about a baby dedication... Wha?... But... Those are always on Mother's Day!! Which honestly sucks for that day, but you know you're in the clear for the rest of the year. Right???? RIGHT???? Um, apparently not... It was the couple who got married the weekend before we did. You know, the couple who, after announcing they were pregnant, made sure they told us we were next and basically put the pressure on for us to get pregnant SOON. Insert evil, jaded laugh here. I tried not to cry. Niece was sitting in my lap. As our pastor was praying over the new family, I held onto niece and the tears started. But I'm good at this, remember, so she never knew I was crying. During the next song, I went to the bathroom. That song is the hand-shaking song, you know, where you chat and swap handshakes and hugs with like half the church in 1 verse and chorus. I KNEW I couldn't deal with that. And I had snot threatening to run all the way down my face. Took myself into a stall in the bathroom, shed a few tears, tried to regain composure and make myself look like I hadn't been crying. Didn't succeed. Thought I was composed enough, until we started singing again. Just kept my head down throughout the remainder of the service, just in case. Hubby was off fighting a fire, I was left without car or house keys, so I walked home to sit in my swing and read my new Home Life that had several adoption articles this time. My parents pull up, tell me they are going to my fav Mexican restaurant. They leave, I walk up to the firehall to see if hubby is back yet. (Aside: the gas station convenience store is across the road from my house, and beside the firehall. The post office is beside me house, and if there were other houses, it would be a couple houses away. There are 2 empty concrete pads, and some grass instead. Yeah, it really is convenient.) So hubby finally comes back from the fire (house trailer, btw, lots of dammage, but they did manage to "save" some of it... but there were lots of holes where they had to cut into the roof and sides... when a trailer catches fire, there's really not much that can be done... But I digress again...) So we meet my parents at the restaurant, and she proceeds to tell me that our friend T, who just found out she was pregnant after an m/c and lots and lots of ttc with drugs and surgery and such, just found out that they are having TRIPLETS. Fast-forward to this afternoon, when we have another meeting for this New Year's Eve bash deal at our church, for all the community youth. T and her hubby are there, and at the end of the meeting, they request prayer, at which point our pastor jumps up and says we will gather around them NOW and pray.... I made it through the prayer, and off to the bathroom I went. Again. To regain composure. Again. And tried not to bring any attention to my red eyes. Again. And wanted to bang my head into a brick wall. Again.
On the brighter (or at least better) side, hubby and I had a nice chat tonight about well, EVERYTHING... How much this bothers me, how he is just his usual happy-go-lucky self, details about exactly why and how this bothers me... I told him I just need to cut and paste parts of my blog and let him see. It's so much easier to bang it out on the keyboard. I only threw one small object at him when he said something about my being "crazy and depressed" over all of this. Sigh... I'm becoming the woman I said I DID NOT want to become! I'm usually pretty good at hiding all emotion until I get in the car and leave the parking lot. Apparently, that's not really working for me anymore. He did decide, though, that it might be an okay time to start explaining things a little when people ask. Why am I not in the choir? Well, not just because "I needed a break," but because "Sometimes, it's just too hard to look out at all of you families and see all of your kids" (well, maybe not exactly like that, but you get it...) Instead of making up some excuse like "nah, not ey" and acting like we don't really care if we have kids right away, while dying on the inside, maybe a "Well, you know, we've been trying for a while, but we could use some prayers on that!" And to some people who we know better and are closer to, "Well, that's something I'm really struggling with right now... We're planning to adopt when we've been married long enough, but it's getting harder and harder to NOT have my babies!"
We shall see.

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