Thursday, September 25, 2008

Oh gosh.... Mixed feelings

If you could see me right now, I would be banging my head aganist the wall... Or just shedding a few tears, because I've already had some migraine meds, and that whole banging thing probably wouldn't help. (Disclaimer: it is that time again, so hormones/emotions/appetite/give-me-more-chocolate-meter are all out of whack. End disclaimer.)
Don't get me wrong... I'm actually a little happy and glad that it's 5 days early this time... We're leaving next Friday morning for a trip to Pigeon Forge with hubby's family, coming back Monday, then leaving out the following Thursday night for our annual beach trip with church friends. Child-beaering for the month may be screwed, but hey, at least it's not ruining some perfectly good mountain and beach time. AND I can ride the roller coaster and whatever else at Dollywood with NO worries AT ALL.
But... And isn't there always a but???? One bloggy buddy is in Taiwan getting her little girl, and I saw some awesome wonderful pictures of her and the baby... Beautiful baby, and even though I was at work and the phone was ringing off the hook, I immediately started looking into Taiwan adoption...... Another blogger just announced on her blog a couple of hours ago that they are trying again. Happy for them, too, and glad they have that option.
Sigh... Which brings out the other side (does anyone else ever feel all oh shoot what was the name of that movie with the lady who had multiple personalities in like the 80's or early 90's?)..... Once again, I thought about doing an OPK... But you know, those 2 trips, peeing on a stick every day, trying not to leave any evidence.... Ugh... With MY family, maybe, but the in-laws? We're a little new for that.... Maybe next month.... And seeing the pictures of someone else finally getting there little bundle of joy (don't get me wrong, she so totally deserves this, she's been waiting forever and I'm SO happy for her!!!) makes me want to hop on a plane like YESTERDAY.... If only we had that option less than a year and a half into our marriage.... And still praying for a family dealing with heartbreak over a "failed" adoption, which leaves me with lots of questions and uncertainty about the future...... My younger sister just informed us that she is not going to be present for the birth of our next nephew, because her hubby's family is going to the mountains that weekend for Christmas.... She just really doesn't want to drive an hour south to see the new baby, then drive 6-7 hours to the mountains by herself, because she will fall asleep. There is NO WAY I would miss the birth of any of my nephews or nieces, unless it was absolutely not possible at all. I did that once, because I couldn't get off work and couldn't miss class... But I stayed as long as I possibly could that morning, and drove 4 hours back to class on very little sleep... It was hard to stay awke, but you know what, I would do it again in a heartbeat. And trust me, if the shoe was on the other foot, she would probably DEMAND that our older sister stay at the hospital for the delivery at least. And the final straw was reading that someone else is actively trying to get pregnant..... There is something they can DO that has worked before and could work again... Once again, don't get me wrong, I'm glad she has that option, I'm always glad when things work out for other people, because I know what it's like for that to not happen.
I knew this was coming... I saw the signs all week.... Sore, achy, monster migraines followed by cloudy confusion, cramping, major lower back pain.... It's not like this was a surprise. But I always allow myself to think "You know, I've heard you also could feel this way when you got pregnant..." I've thought about going back to the gyn and getting on birth control.... Fewer migraines, less cramping, lighter flow??? I'll take all of the above... NOT wondering if this MIGHT be the month, when I KNOW it's not possible? Priceless... BUT... Taking a chance on there BEING a chance, and not getting pregnant because of BC? No thanks.
I don't want to hit the fast forward button or anything, but sometimes I wish it was several years down the road, and I was looking back on all of this, while holding my own child, saying "You know, it was ALL worth it!" God, please let it be soon...

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