Sunday, April 11, 2010

To the doctor in about 15 hours!

Hoping to get some answers, or at least schedule some tests to get some answers!
I've been in a funk. It's been one of those days where I really just wanted to stay home and not see anyone. Woke up late, hubby used all the hot water, so I missed Sunday School and made it - late - to preaching. Jetted out the door as soon as was polite after church.
There was a brief hour or two this morning that I considered what it would be like to really TRY. What if three injections a week were covered under insurance, and he actually DID begin to produce sperm in his semen? We could totally do a few rounds of IUI's. Maybe even 1 round of IVF if the injections didn't work and I could talk him into TESE.
But see? There would be no stopping! One thing would lead to another, and we would find ourselves 5 or 10 years down the road, wayyyy in debt, most likely still childless. And I am convinced I would need lots of drugs, therapy, and probably a mental health hospital to recover. I hate to say it's not worth it, because IF it ended with a living, breathing, healthy child, with only a little debt, it would be totally worth it. But in all honesty, it's just not going to happen that easily, I'm terrible at quitting before I prove something can happen, and there would be no stopping point.
In high school and early college, nothing would have stopped me. I would prove it, dang it, or die trying, if you told me something was impossible. Most of my life has been about proving I was athletic enough, intelligent enough, talented enough, in love enough, committed enough, or just plain good enough to do what everyone said could not be done. After a bad wreck and some abuse and other stuff, I learned that sometimes, it's better (easier? wiser? chickener?) to just admit that, hey, you're right - it's not possible, it'll never happen, and trying is only going to make things harder, more painful, and more difficult to get over.
I realized this morning that I can NOT give birth and still have a happy life. A lovely church friend, J, never gave birth, and she is a happy grandmother with a full life. I'm sure it hasn't been a bed of roses; in fact, I know otherwise, as her husband was killed in a terrible car crash last year... It hasn't been easy, but it's possible to be HAPPY after IF. Even if I never have a chance to get pregnant.
After reading some blogs, I'm not sure I have the heart to go through all the BFN's that are sure to come with highest-end ART's. This is one time when I'm throwing in the towel, admitting defeat, and not trying to prove to the world that I!Can!Do!It! I'm hoping my doctor will agree and at least take this darn, pesky left ovary.

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