Trying not to get too excited or freak out too much, but spotting and cramping on CD15 has NEVER happened...

Okay, so we'll all agree this has been the weirdest cycle ever. (Well, I will say that, and you can just take my word for it, okay?)
I am normally very predictable. When not on bcp's, AF generally comes between days 22-27, with no spotting or cramping between periods. So on CD 15 (today), why did I just start spotting a little and having moderate-turning-to-give-me-meds-type cramping?
Is it from stopping bcp's? - this is my second cycle since stopping. Is it this implantation spotting/cramping I've heard about but never experienced, even though we supposedly have 0 sperm to work with? Is this related to the left lower quadrant pain from the last few days? What is going on with my body?
Is it okay to take naprox*en for the cramping? Should I test, and if so, when? Not sure if I should be happy or worried...

It's back.

No, I'm not referring to P*enny W!se, although thanks to Mr. S King, to this day, I cannot step over a drainage grate or open hole without first looking to see if a scary white-faced clown is in there. In fact, I walk **around** them whenever possible! Talk about irrational fears!
Anyway... Remember last year when I might have had a cyst that was never really confirmed? And I got a nasy call that basically threatened my job if I didn't return to work pronto?
Whatever that was, appears to be back. Technically, though, the pain never totally went away. It got lots better, but never really disappeared completely. Cycle # 2 after d/c'ing my birth control is Not. Looking. Good. That nagging pain is back, and bothered me much of the day. It hurts to sit, it hurts less to stand, God help me when my bladder is full. My lower back is killing me. I have occasional period-like cramps, but it's pretty mild. The ovary pain (I'm assuming that is what hurts?) was at a level today that, had my purse contained more than benadryl, I would have taken something to curb the pain.
This was frustrating when it happened the month I had ttc'd on our own harder than ever before. Now, with confirmed azoo, it's just ridiculous. I may put a call in to my gyn. If I'm talking meds AND doctor, you know I mean business. AF, I'm requesting you be banished forever!

The glorious flip-side to the grieving-a-child-who-will-never-exist-coin

Ah, I have a new thought forming in my brain. Thoughts not of a child who will never be, but of a child who very well may ***ALREADY*** be!
It sucks to get through the grieving part. Not saying I'm done with that never to return, but a different seed has been planted in my heart and head.
My. Child. May. Be. Alive. Like, NOW. So it's time to dream of the child who WILL BE, and the child who IS! The flip side: just as it's completely possible to grieve for someone who never existed, it is equally and oppositely possible to love and pray for someone who, until now, has only existed in my heart and mind. I have prayed for his parents to make good, healthy decisions. I have prayed for her to be warm and well.
I don't know if he'll have olive skin or jet-black hair, if she'll be tiny but feisty or a chunky little dumpling, but I do know I already have a MamaBear-type love for this child.
This afternoon, as I was rocking my youngest nephew, tracing his plump little palm and short, chubby little fingers, I thought 1 is a good age. It will be challenging, for sure, as my nephew is sure to scream when Mama steps out of sight. (He will quit screaming for a limited list of people, including me, but for others, forget it!) I've always been told I have a way with babies and children. I can get them to sleep, make them smile, get them to eat food they swear they hate, and either make them calm down or go wild, circumstances permitting. I'm hoping I will have the same touch with my children. We're whisking them away to a better life, one with hope and a million chances, but we're also taking them away from the only world they know, from the only "family" they understand. I found myself questioning earlier if Benad*ryl is okay to give a freaked-out, non-English-speaking toddler pre-flight. But that junk hypes up some kids, so we should test it out in the hotel first. And does it make me a bad mother to be thinking of doing that before we've even started this journey?!?! (Considering doing the same with hubby, but for whatever reason, that doesn't make me question whether or not I'm a good wife!)
I know I'm getting waaayyyyyyyy ahead of myself here, and I may need some of the aforementioned sleep aid myself, tonight.... But duuuuude, my kid could TOTALLY be alive!!!

It's all in my head...

I've started new posts, some in my head, some on my phone, but finished NOTHING...
Honestly, there's not a lot of funny in me right now. Put that post on the back burner.
Some various, random things are bothering me, but I can't really put my finger on what those things are, exactly. Scratch that post.
There's a huge incongruency going on in my heart; at least, for today/tonight/this hour, that's in the forefront of my mind. I'm trying to put to rest any dreams/ideas of conception and pregnancy, and prepare for the child(ren?) that WILL be entering our lives in the next year or two/three/pleaseGodMakeItSoon. I've researched DI, and I'm just not feeling it. Great for some, not really for me.
it hit me on the way home to pick up movie coupons between me getting work and hubby leaving the office: our child could be living and breathing RIGHT NOW!!!! Word of advice: don't stand between a Mama and her baby! To think that my baby could already be here just blows me away. To think that our child could already be conceived, or maybe she's just now thinking she might be pregnant and doesn't really know what to do -- I feel like a Mommy, even if it's just a little bit! And I want to know what my baby is doing. Is he in Russia, about to begin his day? Is she snug, safe, and warm and still a bun in the oven? Do they know that Mommy is coming to get them, just as fast as she can??? Could I actually *do* the dreaded MiDay this year, sans tears? Whoa, wait, let's not get carried away here!
I was just thinking at dinner... It's almost May. Like THE May, THE anniversary that I thought would *never* get here. And even though it felt forever away, looking back, it wasn't that long, after all. All those blogs I've read were right - it is so worth the wait, and 3 years really isn't too long. (Please remind me of this in a few months when I'm freaking out over paperwork or waiting months or a couple of years to actually hold my baby!)
We're in the home stretch. We have some awesome friends who, when hubby told them the financial part is holding us back, took it upon themselves to organize our first adoption fundraiser - a lunch after church, with everything from food to utensils donated. My fears of feeling bad about asking people to help us raise just part of the money we need, were for nothing, because we have awesome friends.
So, the homestretch. 3 years coming up in just over a month. Financial part beginning to be chipped away. Thinking about our children as more than hypothetical. It really does seem surreal!

Real Blog Entry Coming Soon!

There's a post ruminating in my head about my sarcastic sense of humor IRL. Trying to decide exactly what I want to say, and how to present it. Hubby sprung a work function on me this afternoon, for tomorrow night. And asked me to make a soup I've never made before. My sister had already made some, so she came to my rescue. Still a lot of preparing to get ready, both physically and mentally. Some of these people make me want to dig my eyeballs out.

OMG ARE YOU?????

Uh, no... That picture on my f*b page is *not* any indication I am knocked up. And it stings a little that you would ask, but I'll go with the fact that you are an innocent, single, early-college virgin who is blissfully ignorant about things such as IVF with ICSI, TESE, and you've probably never even heard of azoospermia!
First time I've gotten that comment in a looooong time. (The only other time someone has point-blank asked me if I was pregnant, it was a teenager just bursting at the seams to tell me that she WAS). It stings. Well, not so much stings as feels like she just hit a deep bruise. Like a massive bruise that never goes away. Please tell me it will eventually go away??????
I'm dealing... I have my moments. If I'm totally honest, I haven't made a habit of imagining myself pregnant in forever; even before marriage, adoption was the way I pictured it. Very occassionally, I will stick out my belly and "pretend" for a few minutes, or while I'm laying on the couch, I'll put my hand on my belly in the way I've seen expecting mothers do. I did that today, for the first time since I can't remember when.
We've been talking about DI, but I just don't know. I'm trying to do my research.
Today, I went to church with older sis and family. Where we sat 2 rows behind a set of triplets that will be turning 1 next month, 1 row in front of a 5-month-old, and across from a child who could be a case study for this-kid-should-be-in-foster-care. Preparing for woship takes on a whole new meaning! I'm finding I have to mentally prepare myself for a lot of things -- birthday parties, bridal showers, trips to the store -- pretty much anywhere I might run into pregnant women or babies.
We are close, but so far away.

CD 1-4 Really Suck

Day 2, currently, sucks a big one. It could be worse, at least the cramping hasn't had me doubled over this time, but I've definitely had my moments of nearly exploding in anger over little things, or bursting into tears for no apparent reason.
Trying to figure out what to do with this blog... We're not really pursuing any treatments. We have no sperm. It's like we've moved beyond the black hole of infertility, and have been sucked into an even bigger black hole, if that's possible. It's pretty safe to say we're done ttc'ing, though I will still keep up with where I am in my cycle. It's pretty safe to say the world claims there's no hope, but as long as I have ovaries and a uterus and AF continues to show her ugly face, I WILL have some measure of HOPE. Baby showers have sucked for a long time - will they suck more because it's impossible for us to conceive, or less because we'll be pursuing adoption? Haven't really decided how to answer those questions that will no doubt be asked about our apparent lack of fertility as we tell more people about adoption.
So while we're really moving on from infertility, I still anticipate IF-related issues. I imagine as we grow our family through adoption, those issues will decrease; at least 2 older couple in our church adopted without ever giving birth, and seem to not have left-over IF issues, but I wonder if that is because those issues went away, or they just learned to hide them? I guess I just want to know where I belong. I've never really cared about being the most popular or fitting in with the "right" group, but everyone wants to belong somewhere. there just really isn't a group of women readily available who would like to get pregnant but can't, are choosing to adopt rather than try high-end ART, and are okay with not getting pregnant yet not. Especially in this tiny little deep South community, where the term "barefoot and pregnant" is an expected term to describe any young(ish) married female. So, what to do with this little space?

Thoughts and Funnies

First, the funnies. Hubby and I spent our time at our day-long seried of appts and tedting entertaining each other. There was that moment walking into a room of old men @ the urology office where I really just wanted to run the other way, but then we started filling out forms. We fed each other one-liners, and when the doctor told hubby to lose his clothes and hop on the table (not in so many words of course), I had to stifle a giggle as I thought of hubby's p*nts on the gr*und joke. I actually had to ssssshhhhhh him before doc entered the room, because of hilariously inappropriate jokes. Then when he went back to give his sample (remember? The part where I was flipping out because he disappeared without me), he later told me it was a shame he couldn't really tell anyone the funniest part of the day - hearing the heavily-Spanish-accented woman tell him the cup was for m*sturb*tion! So we dealt with the stress during the appt with humor.
In the aftermath, several thoughts have plagued me.
***oh crap. It's March, the month my younger sister said they would be trying for another... Not that they really have to TRY!
***The idea of trying *NOT* to get pregnant is so far removed from my life. I can't even imagine such a thought. And it's sad that I've NEVER had (and will never have) such an experience.
***how many times do I have to tell someone that I'm not attending a baby shower before they accept that you will not be in attendance?
***Even though we have the results to prove it impossible, why do I have this seemingly unbreakable hope that this is the cycle where everything works out and we all live happily ever after?
***If I hear one more song on the radio about not losing hope and not giving up and how "impossible is just an excuse to not try," I'm going to scream! I read on a blog a few days ago, written by a woman who has cancer, that the Bible says that all good and perfect gifts come from God, and how health and longevity must not be good things for her... It wasn't really as cynical as it sounds, it was actually more of a quiet acceptance of God knowing best. I'm trying to adopt that philosophy. Who knows, maybe I would die in childbirth (gosh, there again, I don't really mean it as cynical as it sounds!), or there would be other complications that I couldn't deal with.
I'm working my way into quiet acceptance. I know there will still be bad days, and I'll still avoid the most difficult baby showers, and unfortunately a part of me will always be infertile, but a bigger part of me is ready to pick up and move on. I wouldn't want to forget the things I've learned, I want to be there for people who are still in the trenches. It has become clear, though, that my ttc days are over -- and actually ended long before they began. Good-bye ART, BBT, ovulation planning, and perfectly-timed intercourse... You know, when you put it like that, this whole situation doesn't sound half bad.

0. Zilch. Nada. Nothing.

Which was expected. Sucky, but expected. It's still sinking in. On the one hand, it's a relief, and all systems go for adoption! On the other, there was still a part of me that hoped for different news. He doesn't have a lower than average IQ. He didn't go to trade school, he went to and graduated from a 4-year school, and he's a freakin' bank manager! He doesn't have learning disabilities. I was hoping for sperm!
Darn it, I really really REALLY like proving people wrong. In my younger days, I would have done *anything*, no matter the cost, to prove I could do whatever was in question. I've mellowed somewhat over the years (I make it sound like I'm 95), and I can now take a step back. It's okay. I don't feel like I have to risk everything - emotionally, financially, intimately, whatever - to prove that we can achieve and maintain a pregnancy. You're right, experts. It ain't happenin'! You think it's azoo right now, wait until you see this house with non-English speaking children trying to learn how to be part of a family!
I'll give myself a few days to let it sink in. We'll spend the next 2 months readying our new house for a homestudy. We'll take a vacation the week of our anniversary, just enjoy time together and celebrate that magic number 3 the adoption agencies all require in our state. Then, we will come home and get to work on the paper chase!
"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vine, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet will I rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength" Habakkuk 3:17-19A.

I attempted this post this morning...

...When it was 5:30, and I was *still* awake. Lost in blogland for long enough that I don't care to mention how many hours had passed. It was still in the single digits.
Hubby and I talked, and came to the conclusion that perhaps he didn't exactly realize that all reproductive chance hinged on the SA results... And it's possible I didn't handle the lack of news so great. It did result in about an hour-long chat in the hall floor, that moved to the couch when we realized we were sitting in the floor and getting up was less than easy. After the hurt feelings over miscommunication, we discussed adoption options. We didn't make any concrete decisions or receive divine inspiration, but it was a nice chat, and it's time to get friends and family more involved in the process. It's time to shout from the rooftops (especially the rooftops near unwed women and teenagers) that we are adopting, and yes, we'll take your sister's friend's cousin's boyfriend's mom's niece's baby... But only if she is willing to let us adopt her child - rumor has it kidnapping is illegal! (Not to say I haven't whispered to hubby on more than one occassion to just take that baby and run. C'mon, dude, it's a joke!) Those fantasies are better left in my head, right beside the daydream where someone leaves an infant on my doorstep with a note explaining she's mine! (Not something I recommend now, in light of the pack of neighborhood dogs that looooooove our house)
So where was I? It's the sleep deprivation. The ADD is killer on 3 hours of sleep. So. Things are better. I still want to know. And will find out tomorrow. Which has my stomach in knots tonight. Or could that be the nephew's flue, the church's virus, or the sister's intestinal bug I've been possibly/probably contaminated with this weekend? And adoption plans proceeding, pending tomorrow's results, officially, but in my heart of hearts, I know it's azoo.

looks like I'm waiting through the weekend

Suffice it to say, hubby screwed around and didn't call the dr yesterday OR today. Suffice it to say, I am hurt and angry and perhaps being a bit irrational and ridiculous. suffice it to say, it's peobably better I not be transparent and tell you guys what I'm *really* thinking. Gonna be a long weekend, in more ways than one.

Still Waiting...

We have been sitting in a waiting room for what feels like forever. With nobody sitting at the receptionist desk. And one other couple who left a while ago. A doctor came out and asked what we were waiting for and left. A nurse called hubby to the desk, and he has now disappeared into somewhere else. Without me. Not good for a control freak. Not that I could really do anything, but I need to know what is going on! We're supposed to be together! Who is going to make me laugh and not freak out?! WHY ARE THERE NO PEOPLE HERE? Feeling a headache coming on, probably because it's almost 1:00 and we've not had breakfast or lunch yet. Will he remember ask when we will get the SA results? What is going on back there?
Since I have a few minutes, let me explain what we know so far: not a lot more than we already did. Dr doesn't think they will find sperm in the semen, based on genetic diagnosis and current meds, but that's of course the starting point. Hubby can come off his current meds, and start HSG injections 3 X week, in an attempt to get hubby's body to make its own testosterone. Even then, dr still doesn't think they will find sperm. TESE, ICSI, with IVF are our best, and likely only, options for biological children. Other options are sperm bank and adoption.
Hubby re-appeared just a few minutes ago. We're in the car headed in search of FOOD! Hubby did remember to ask, and she said they would send a report to the dr, and there was no need to wait. So I told hubby he needs to be that annoying patient and call the dr later this afternoon to see if they can tell us, once again, what we already suspect! Hopefully, my next update will be the results!

Dear Checker Outer Lady,

Dear Checker Outer Lady,
I get it. I know we are just another cattle in the herd to get through the gate. I understand you are hungry because it appears you haven't eaten in, oh, I'd say 5 minutes. I understand you do this every day and it appears you are bored with your job. But is it really necessary to scream out every 2 seconds what we are going to the first floor to do.
Sincerely,
The Slightly Stressed Out and Possibly Oversensitive* Infertile

*Hubby says not to worry, I'm just a little uptight today. Reckon?

Here

We made it with 5 minuted to spare. No wrecks or bad traffic, plenty of parking lot vulture game going on in the parking deck. Just drive till you find a park, people! Don't wait 5 minutes and hold up everyone else behind you! Currently wondering whatthaheck hearing/speech/otolaryngology have to do with urology. This place is messed up.

In 10 Hours...

...We will be beginning. I've been busy today. Work was crazy with trying to get caught up / ahead to be off tomorrow. I didn't have time for blogging, checking email, or facebook. When my phone buzzed, I glanced to see if it was an emergency, and got back to work. (Normally very relaxed environment, we stay busy, but are able to stop to take phone calls and such)
I decided on my way home that I would NOT spend the evening on the couch. The only way to guarantee that was to commit myself to something else. So I cooked supper for my sil and her hubby and kidsan and took it to them. Of course I ate with them, there was a little playing of the w11. The niece was showing off her K reading skills, and the nephew sat in my lap and let me read to him. There was lots of tickling and laughter and sillyness and just-what-I-neededness. The nephew wanted me to read him "one more" story at bedtime, so we went to his room, rocked, and read Oliver. As I rocked and read, I was at peace, knowing that regardless of what happens tomorrow, I will one day rock my own son, in our own rocking chair, in his own room. Our hypothetical children better like hugs and kisses and snuggles and rocking! Some would say I will spoil them... As much as it has taken and will take to get them here, I will still be rocking them when their feet drag the ground! Horror of horrors, they might even sleep in our bed with us!!! Gasp!
I will try to update tomorrow as time allows. Right now, I'm calm, cool, and collected, not worried or anxious. Hoping I stay that way.

For This (Hypothetical) Child I Prayed

Last week (or maybe the week before?) I was in H*bby L*bby showing hubby some mirrors and wall hangings and such that I want for the new house. I came across something I *had* to purchase. It was a set of praying hands, with a baby in them, and the inscription says, "For this child I prayed." It had been a bad day for the infertiles, and I was needing a little pick-me-up. And it was half off.
For this child, we HAVE prayed. Regardless of what Wednesday holds for hypothetical biological children, we WILL one day have OUR kids, and they are prayed for by us, by our families, and by friends.
We have already decided what we are and are not willing to do. We are expecting nothing, but hoping for something. We would be willing to try IUI, if that option is available. We would NOT be willing to swim (no pun intended) in the alphabet soup of procedures that we are most likely going to be told is our only option. (TESE, ICSI, IVF along with lots of other fun things) If they found what they needed to find in the TESE procedure, and if they retrieved eggs, and if an/some embryo(s) developed and survived, we would be left with a 40-50 percent chance of maintaining a viable pregnancy, assuming there are no other unknown issues. That's a lot of variables and only half a chance!?! It has worked for some couples. It is the right thing for some couples. It is the only option for those not wanting to live childfree and not wanting to adopt. It is not the right thing for us, for many reasons. The money is a big one. I can't see myself spending that kind of money on something that has so little chance of "working" anyway. I would love the chance to be pregnant and experience all of that, but it's not worth giving up my calling to adopt to try for "our own." (A phrase I hate, because our children will be our own, regardless of how they arrive!)
I'm anxious and nervous (and have the stomach issues to prove it), but really I'm just ready for the appt to be over with. I'm ready to deal with whatever is going to happen, and move on. Given the research I've read, assuming we get the results we expect, I am giving myself through Saturday to grieve.
Did I mention I received a baby shower invitation? For the couple who have been married for less than a year, straight out of high school. The little punk had the uh, nerve to ask me, taunt me even, why we "weren't poppin them out yet," before they were married. I told him to be careful, people would be asking them the same thing, to which he quickly replied it only takes 9 months and that's how long they were planning to take. Guess who is having a "honeymoon" baby, and guess whose father spent the entire day before the wedding crying in a field... Skipping that shower.
Here's to Wednesday!

Trip to urologist Wednesday, let the freakout begin Monday

So we have an appt with a urologist Wednesday to "explore our options." It's been in the back of my mind, but I haven't really been distracted by it.
Cue Monday morning, cue sudden anxiety and obsession. Like to the point that I'm ready to call my doctor for an RX. Except I really shouldn't take anything, pending the outcome of Wednesday's appt! Let me clarify: I.do.not.take.medicine. At least not the "good stuff!" OTC meds for a migraine, the occassional OTC anti inflammatory. That's it. (I d/c'd my bc this month) I need to "just relax," not because it's the magic formula for getting knocked up, but because it's quickly getting to the point that I can't focus at work. Probably not at home, either, but right now I'm at work. And my hands are starting to shake, my heart is doing funny things, my breathing is off, I'm two seconds away from snapping on someone, or bursting into tears. More later on the appt, gotta get back to work.