Ah, I have a new thought forming in my brain. Thoughts not of a child who will never be, but of a child who very well may ***ALREADY*** be!
It sucks to get through the grieving part. Not saying I'm done with that never to return, but a different seed has been planted in my heart and head.
My. Child. May. Be. Alive. Like, NOW. So it's time to dream of the child who WILL BE, and the child who IS! The flip side: just as it's completely possible to grieve for someone who never existed, it is equally and oppositely possible to love and pray for someone who, until now, has only existed in my heart and mind. I have prayed for his parents to make good, healthy decisions. I have prayed for her to be warm and well.
I don't know if he'll have olive skin or jet-black hair, if she'll be tiny but feisty or a chunky little dumpling, but I do know I already have a MamaBear-type love for this child.
This afternoon, as I was rocking my youngest nephew, tracing his plump little palm and short, chubby little fingers, I thought 1 is a good age. It will be challenging, for sure, as my nephew is sure to scream when Mama steps out of sight. (He will quit screaming for a limited list of people, including me, but for others, forget it!) I've always been told I have a way with babies and children. I can get them to sleep, make them smile, get them to eat food they swear they hate, and either make them calm down or go wild, circumstances permitting. I'm hoping I will have the same touch with my children. We're whisking them away to a better life, one with hope and a million chances, but we're also taking them away from the only world they know, from the only "family" they understand. I found myself questioning earlier if Benad*ryl is okay to give a freaked-out, non-English-speaking toddler pre-flight. But that junk hypes up some kids, so we should test it out in the hotel first. And does it make me a bad mother to be thinking of doing that before we've even started this journey?!?! (Considering doing the same with hubby, but for whatever reason, that doesn't make me question whether or not I'm a good wife!)
I know I'm getting waaayyyyyyyy ahead of myself here, and I may need some of the aforementioned sleep aid myself, tonight.... But duuuuude, my kid could TOTALLY be alive!!!