It's amazing how much calmer you feel when your house is even just a bit cleaner than "normal"... The only laundry not washed is hubby's fire clothes, which I'm waiting for the weekend when he's done with 3 more days' worth to complete a load. The kitchen is completely clean, even the table is cleaned off. Well, it could still use some more work (I really need somewhere out of sight to put cereal and stuff), but it's better than usual (ie, you can see the table)...
It's amazing how much calmer you feel when you actually find and read several blogs dealing with adoption-related issues. Preparation has begun, and I'm trying to pick up my reading on things like attatchment and grieving and whatever else I can find online. I want to start buying some books, but so far, I've just been reading about different peoples' experiences with differetn issues with kids of different ages from different countries. Geesh, that's a lot of "different," huh? But every child is different, too, no?
It's amazing how even though it kills my back (that was already hurting before) to wash dishes, it's also calming, in that I tend to zone out and have imaginary conversations in my head with real people, saying things I would never be able to say out loud. (Does that make me as crazy as it sounds? Wait... All the really crazy people think they're completely "normal," and I certainly know better than that!) For instance, I know that the first Sunday in May, our Sunday School lesson talks about how badly Hannah wanted a baby. Now, I'm usually pretty quiet in SS, and honestly probably will remain so for this lesson... But in my head, I can tell the class what it's really like... The men in the church thought Hannah was drunk, when she was praying so hard. In my head, I told them about how the church, which should be a comforting place, is usually one of the harder places for a barren woman. How the church is really good at "family," but doesn't always know what to do with those non-2.5-kids-and-white-picket-fence people -- namely, childfree/less couples and single adults and to a degree the college group. In reality, the moment I opened my mouth about how I had so much empathy for Hannah and knew exactly how she felt, I wouldn't be able to say that, because I'd be crying. I've **got** to get a better handle on my emotions, so that I *can* start sharing. Perhaps by May, I will have had enough "head" conversations to be able to do it.
Made it through that party yesterday, with no problems. Was distracted from barren stuff at work today because it's busy time again. Rode around my neighborhood trying to dodge my sister because I had too much to do to keep her kid tonight, and wondered (as I was freezing, b/c the heat in my car doesn't always work right) why I couldn't just say NO.
All in all, I'm much calmer... And I'm gonna ride this calm wave as long as it lasts.