Saturday, February 28, 2009

Why do I do this to myself?

It's after midnight... I KNOW I have to be up (relatively, for me) early in the morning... I KNOW I'll be going to a retirement thing for that cousin's dad tomorrow... I KNOW I'll be asked baby questions and have her belly in my face... I KNOW I'll just be trying to get through it without crying... So why why WHY do I stay up too late lurking on random blogs?
Another scenario... That I'm too chicken/embarassed/private/whatever to ask my sisters of friends about... Constantly hungry... Just want to sleep... Slightly nauseated at random times... Last AF was a full day shorter than usual and with much much MUCH LESS cramping/migraines than usual... All signs of possible pregnancy, or just some nasty depression kicking in? I'm leaning towards the latter, because I also find myself more often than not, wishing he hot water would last forever, and I could just stay in the shower instead of facing work/church/anything beside sleeping. Sigh... I would just go POAS BUT.... 1) I do NOT want to run into anyone I know @ the store, who would comment on my purchase (and it's a small town, I absolutely would!) .... 2) I am, once again, a chicken... I don't want to face a BFN. Have I ever told you (duh, I'm sure I have) that in 21 months (coming up hard on 22, not that I'm counting), I have not been even a tiny bit late? In 22 months (it's less than a week away), I have not had the "pleasure" of POAS for BFP/BFN purposes... OPK yeah... But anyway... WHY WHY WHY do I keep thinking that maybe it will be different this month?
And another one, just for good measure... I whine/rage about the but-you-look-pregnant-questions, and yet I do little-to-nothing about looking that way. So I make it a point to suck in my stomach before someone does that sweeping "pregnancy-check" glance. (Quit laughing, you know you've done it too!!) But seriously. If I didn't **want** to look that way, you'd think I would put down the soft drinks and chocolate and get out and exercise. But oh, food is just such a comfort. And that whole sticking-my-gut-out-in-the-mirror-when-nobody-is-watching-thing (again, don't laugh, you know you've done that too)... WHY WHY WHY do I do this to myself????
Sigh... Probably because if I get really totally completely honest, there is a small part... okay, maybe medium... Okay, okay, I give... I do indeed sometimes wish I could be pregnant. Barring a huge miracle (which I do still believe **could** happen), I never will be. And so, at least for a couple of weeks, I occassionally pretend. Which leads to a huge crash on CD 1.
March is ***NOT*** the month I need a huge crash. Aforementioned cousin is due I think towards the end of the month. Hubby has already said we can't run away, he wants to be here. They would be here for us, and all that jazz. I'm pretty sure I'm in for the mother of all crashes. Maybe since I'm expecting (how ironic) such a crash, it will be a softer crash?
And... My arms are killing me... Sweet hubby surprised me with that 3-lettered newest gaming system that is way too search enginge friendly.

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