Tuesday, April 1, 2008


It takes a lot to make me cry, but a friend's blog just did. Her daughter was born with a chromosome abnormality and lived for just a few minutes. I had been worried about her, because she had been doing so well, almost too well, in her blog. It was a beautiful post about how she is not okay.

Which made me realize that I am not so okay, myself. I tried not to hope this month... I wouldn't even let myself pretend I "might" be pregnant, when I knew I wasn't. Every time a thought would pop into my head, I firmly and none too gently reminded myself there was no way... And thought it would be easier to deal with that way. Maybe it's the monthly hormones, maybe it's the talk of babies and being surrounded by family, co-workers, church friends, strangers in Wally World, who all have the cutest babies, maybe it was the cutesy ha-ha remarks about why-don't-we-go-home-and-tell-our-husbands-we're-pregnant-for-April-Fool's-jokes comments at work.... Maybe it's the fact that, in one more month, we will have "tried" for one year to do something that the rest of the world seems to do with ease, multiple times, and mostly when they were trying to NOT be pregnant. Maybe it's because hubby's yearly check-up is coming soon and we will probably receive a referral for a urologist, who will probably just tell us what we already know. I don't know...

What I DO know is, my house has become a lot cleaner in the past 2 days, which I now know was to avoid this mess. I'm so much like my Mama. We both take great care of other people, and often neglect ourselves. We work and stay busy and help others and clean house and keep moving until we fall into bed, just to keep from facing crap like this. But eventually, you can't keep going, and you can't run from heartbreak and disapointment and pain forever.

Random question: How sick is it that I would almost be glad to sit at my daughter's grave, just to know I made it that far? And how selfish of me is that...

Update on the flu thing: 2 nephews are back to normal, now the 3rd has it but is improving. The youngest nephew and niece are flu-free. I didn't have the flu, just a major sinus infection I'm still getting over. On another completely random note, I caved in and enjoyed a Dr Pepper after I left Wally World today.... Blame it on PMS!

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