Monday, July 21, 2008

Oh, I don't care how it happens, just give me a baby....

Been googling infertility again. Randomly, sporadically on the search for the latest news in TESE follwed by IVF with ICSI, you know, the alphabet soup of fertility. That probably costs more than some adoptions. That hubby isn't too crazy (read: refuses to go through the pain) about anyway. I. Want. To. Eat. Scrwe the diet, give me more chocolate and another DP!!! I would love to go to the fridge and finish off left-overs from supper. This sucks. Sorry.
I don't know why I do this.... I know the options that are available, both with tx and adoption, and I know that neither are options we can take right now, albeit for different reasons. I can't sleep. I want to sleep. I'm tired. But I. Can't. Go. To. Sleep. I lay down and toss, turn, stare at the ceiling, get up, get online, and bam, it's 3-4 am and I know work is gonna totally blow in a few hours. What the crap is wrong with me people? Last night, you know, the 2nd time I went to bed after 3 am, I was thinking ya know, I do need help. I will get help. Counseling may not be such a bad idea after all. Then today after some sleep, I thought whatever, I've done it by myself for this long, I can handle it on my own. Tonight it's back to the maybe-it-wouldn't-hurt side. Am I just absolutely losing it? (Apparently not.... The people I deliver medicine to, you know the REALLY certifiably crazy ones, all think they're normal!!) I need a vacation... Or a weekend get-away... I hear the crickets or whatever is making noise at 1 am in the middle of summer, and think a trip to my former summer job would be the ticket. It's just an hour away. I could probably crash on someone's couch, or perhaps an available room, for a night or two. I need somewhere with no phones, no internet (or at least no google access hahaha), and nobody asking me pregnancy-related questions.
At this point, the baby shower this weekend is looking highly unlikely.

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