Neglecting my blog... catching up!

Wow, it's been almost one month! Um, life has kind of gotten in the way lately, with a new nephew, Christmas two months away and still no pictures on these walls, 4 additional nephews/niece combination to play with and help take care of, work, laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc.... The latest little nephew came in weighing 9 lbs 11 oz and almost 21 inches long. They were a little concerned about his shallow, quick breathing at the start, but as I pointed out, us fat people usually DO breathe differently! ;) Lessons, observations, general ramblings to follow....
### Never, never, and I do mean N.E.V.E.R. Ask. A. Lady. If. She. Is. Pregnant. Unless you see the head crowning and are certain she is having a child as you speak!!! Especially if said lady knows she will never be pregnant! Yeah, it's been a while, so of course last night, I was asked the dreaded question. I vehemently shook my head and emphatically said no. "Well, you know, you've been married for almost 6 months, so it's about time to start trying!!!" Granted, it was a lady who doesn't really get the whole concept of discreet. Who might be a tad on the crazy side. Who, if she were more wealthy than country gas station/store/karaoke? owners with dogs in the store could be, would definitely be known as "eccentric." Not 5 minutes later, I was asked by a young mother of 2 or 3 under age 4, "Have y'all thought about kids yet?" (We were at a steak dinner fundraising thing...) I thought about an awesome response (Yeah, but we decided steak sounded better....) but instead just replied sweetly that right now we have enough nephews and a niece to spoil to keep us more than busy. AAHHHHHHHHH Here it goes again....
### Last Sunday as I looked around the congregation from the choir loft, I saw my best friend from elementary school and her husband and 2 kids under 4 come in. After watching the video about Operation Christmas Child, with all the little kids of different nationalities open their little shoe box full of goodies, not seeing a bunch of raggamuffin kids in another world, but MY OWN CHILDREN.... No Kle*enex in the choir loft argh..... Anyway..... Said friend grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father, a suitcase packed under her bed, and her mother, equally scared, snuck around to pry the nail from the window in case they needed to escape. My friend had 2 sister, an older and a younger. The older is pretty different, living away and still trying to escape it all. The younger was too young when they finally broke away from their father, to really know about any abuse, and she was Daddy's Little Girl, and seems to have grown up more normally. My friend, though, for whatever reason, took the brunt of the abuse, the drunken yelling, the belt buckle, the threats, and I donn't want to think of what else.... The father died several years ago of cancer, and this middle sister and her husband completely gutted that house and turned it into a beautiful home, so different than what they grew up in. I imagine it is full of love and laughter and peace. Anyway. This friend walks into our church with her mom, hubby, kids, and little sister. I'm hit with a realization. I almost just sat down in the middle of the song and thought about it all. I don't need babies. I don't need them. Now M, she needed those 2 babies. Deserved to have as many children as she wanted, easily, with no problems. I have 4 rotten, cute, adorable (and at times mean!) nephews to scuffle and play with, and an adoring niece who is teaching me to be more gentle and how to play with B.Arb.ies (other than ripping off their heads and playing GI J0e with them).... And I thanked God for all of the blessings.
### So, I have found my answer to those questions about "children of my own," other than staring and saying "no," or "it's gonna be a looong time," or digging out eyeballs or.... My answer is, God has blessed us with so many precious little nephews and a niece, that right now all we want to do is spoil them. Much nicer, and honestly, The. Truth.

ALAINA IS CANCER FREE!!!!!

I have a little friend whose family always brightened up my nights at the Chick (aka hell). Her name is Alaina, and she has been in treatment for a rare brain tumor. Prognosis, according to the doctors, was poor. Well, little Miss Alaina found out today she is CANCER FREE!!!!
Alaina's parents were told they would never have children. Then they had their son. Then they had twin girls. I can't imagine what the past year has been like for them ---- 3 kids under 5 years... Multiple hospital stays, major surgery, watching their little girl go through so much.... And now that yucky old cancer is GONE. God is good!
It gives a girl hope where there is no hope.... They were told "never..." Granted the situations are different and our is male-factor, but there's still hope. Then I can't even imagine what it would be like to finally have those kids, and go through something like this. The family has stayed strong in Christ, and have such an awesome testimony of what God has done through and for Alaina.
Just wanted to share some good news!!!!

Tonight we went to eat with some church people. It was supposed to be an evening for all the younger married couples, sans children. Some didn't have baby-sitters, some had to work, so it ended up being my hubby and me, his sister and b-i-l, a couple we are friends with, and one of our cousins, whose hubby had to work. It was a good evening, fun to go out with other couples, and my steak was delicious!! S-I-L found out one of her friends had a baby today, at only 30 weeks. The baby is doing okay, almost 3 and a half pounds, and the doctor said fairly well developed for such a young baby. Mommy is feeling fine. Please pray for them! I've been feeling rather yucky since Thursday, just regular the-weather-changed-and-my-sinuses-always-do-this-type stuff. Hearing about the baby kind of put a bit of a damper on things, then talking about grandmothers and older people making things for babies right before they died.... Yeah, it made for some moments of melancholy! It's always a little tough for me to be around pregnant women (not that I let them know that, I hide it well!! I don't want for things to be awkward) and I love love LOVE my s-i-l and am very happy for her, but there are times when that big belly is just a little much! Not only for myself, but as I rubbed her belly and talked to my nephew, it brought back memories of bending down to kiss my other tiny nephew and tell him I would see him in heaven, through his mommy's tummy, the night before she went for her "procedure," as it was called. What happened to that little guy? We'll never know... Anyway, I digress... I was already a little sad, then walking to our truck, I thought about how all the other people with us were going to pick up their kids, and hubby and I would come home to an empty house, with empty arms, and an empty tummy.
Then we went to check on my grandfather on our way home, and my little 3-year-old cousin was there. He really brightened up my night!! :) We watched part of the Alabama game, until he asked for the second or third time if I would come watch Peter Pan with him. Hubby was already in there with him, and little cuz came to sit beside me on the couch, then scooted his way between hubby and I because he thought he should be in the middle. Then he looked over at me and said "You need to have a little boy!" Surprisingly, it did not make me the least bit sad, I just smiled and asked him what about a little girl. "Nah, just a boy." "What about a little boy AND a little girl?" "Well, that would be okay..." "How about just a little girl?" "NOOOO!!!!!" It was so cute!
Now we're home and hubby is preparing some songs for church. He is directing the choir while our choir director is on vacation. I'm so proud of my wonderful hubby!! I don't talk about his health issues very much, but he has done so much more than the doctors would say he should. Low IQ? Hardly, instead he helped my older sister in high school with a class or two. Not a people person? Yeah right! He is a funny guy, and had our waitress laughing several times. Not at all shy, very outgoing. Don't even bother with college, just go to trade school? Not only did he go to college, he graduated and is a successful banker of all things. He tried trade school, but said it just wasn't for him. He does have trouble using words correctly sometimes (like calling a shetland pony a clydesdale!), and he does make the most weird associations about things, and of course there's the whole infertility thing.... But tonight I'm focusing more on what he HAS accomplished. God blessed him with parents who expected the best of their children, who expected their children to be successful. God has allowed him to accomplish so much more than doctors expect, to be so much more than most KS men. Sure, there are some sad days, but we are too blessed to be depressed!!! God has blessed us in so many ways, and I wouldn't change anything at all about my hubby. Not really sure what the future holds as far as children are concerned, but I do know that I serve a loving and faithful God, who has great plans for us.
Going to bed tonight with the peace that God is in control, and our arms will not always be empty.

Different stuff

So far, all of my blogs have been about infertility. It is, at times, an important part of my life, but honestly there are also lots of times when it doesn't really matter. I know that 10-20-30 and more years from now, it's not really going to play such a huge part that I never had biological children.. Or perhaps, that I did.... I know we will adopt, no matter what. I don't know if anybody even reads this stuff, but just in case, here's a little view of things that really do consume a lot of my time on a regular basis.....
*****Family.... Just the two of us in our home, but I have 2 sisters, hubby has one sister, and all three are married with a combination of 4 (soon to be 5) children, and one nephew who never made it into this worrld alive. Family has always been important to me and hubby both, so it's no surprise that we spend a lot of times with our families. We are the Fun Aunt and Fun Uncle. We get in the floor and play, we take them to the movies or meet them at the fair, we play games, we scuffle, we draw, we have trouble with birthday-Christmas-etc gift limits.... Basically we spoil all the little creatures! When my sister had her miscarriage, I spend the night with them several nights that first week. I neglected my house and just let it go, because with no children, you can do that, and my sister needed me. She will have some surgery in a week, and I'll do the same things again. When hubby's sister has her little boy next month, I will go play with my niece, rock my nephew, clean up, help however I can. All of us call each other on a ragular basis (almost daily), and we generally get together several times throughout the month. Sunday afternoons after church we alternate spending the afternoon with my family and his family.
********Church. We go Sunday morning and night and Wednesday night. Both of us were raised in church, and were not given the "option" of staying at home, and so for the most part, we have continued on. We both sing in the choir. We both teach classes. We tithe. We participate in other activities as well, like this Saturday night when the young couples are all going out to eat WITHOUT children. (This is huge!!! We are one of like 2 couples in our church who don't have children!!! Not that we mind having them around; actually, we enjoy the entertainment factor, and are really just big, older kids ourselves when it comes to having gun, but an evening of adult conversations with no "Mommy, I need to tee-tee," or "Don't hit your brother," or "Stop playing and eat"... WOW!!!!!!!!!!!)
********Free time!!! When we are not hanging out with the fam and playing with the kids, we go to the movies, play putt-putt, eat out.... When we were dating, we got on a kick of touring caverns, but we haven't done that in a while. Saturdays are usually our days to just do whatever. Find some yard sales... Do some housework (haha, not very often!!)... Sleep late... Just hang out together... Week nights are usually filled with cooking, cleaning, and some fun thrown in for good measure. I get on the internet, hubby watches a movie. Have we really only been married 4 and a half months?!?!
*******Work.... Hubby is a bank assistant manager. I am a pharmacy tech. He's not really that fond of his job... Mine's great! Or will be.... We are in sort of a transition phase right now, and I'm not really sure how many hours I will be working for the next year, while they are trying to get more business. Trying to hang in there for the one year, because after that, I will have the sweetest job ever.
*********Kids.... While I was working in a fast food restaurant through college and until we got married, I met a wonderful family. They had a set of twins that had been coming regularly to our family nights, then just sort of stopped. We later found out that one of the twins had fallen and hit her head, like kids are prone to do, and through that, they found out she had a brain tumor. There's a lot more to the story of how I came to care so much for this family, but I keep a regular check on her website to see how she is doing. Then an aquaintance's 11-year-old daughter was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. I've been spending a decent amount of time in the last few weeks checking up on several local kids with cancer. I don't really know why , but I've always been interested (I hate to use that word though) in how other families make it through things like illness and loss. (My mom says I should've been a doctor or nurse, but the old chemistry and related subjects didn't really like me too much)
********Adoption.... It will probably be 2 or 3 years before we are really getting into the process (hubby says 1, but I don't think we'll be ready by then!), but I am the type of person who HAS to be prepared, HAS to have all the information available, and yesterday, please!!! I have volunteered with an organization that brings over orphans from Ukraine, and am now trying to learn more about Korean adoption. I have looked into several countries. I have also recently taken an interest in finding blogs of older adoptees. I love orphans, and they hold a special place in my heart.
Yeah..... Sorry for the incredibly long post!! I didn't really intend for it to be that long when I sat down, but generally once I start to write, it's hard to stop!!! I have toyed with the idea of writing a book (fiction or non), but have no idea where I would even start! A lofty goal, I know, but right now I have some time on my hands at work, and playing games on the computer gets old pretty quick... I try to find productive work-related things to do, but there's only so much busy work a person can find!! So anyway, there's some non-infertility-related stuff about me.

She came.....

AF decided to show up between the yard sale-ing and the 4-year-old birthday party. You know, the one with 5 million pregnant Mamas running waddling around. Saturday night, we had to stop at W*lM*rt to buy gifts for the baby shower that was today (Sunday).... So first I went over and picked up some pads for myself, made my hubby pick out the card (because I didn't think I could read all those baby cards), then trudged over to the baby stuff and bit my lip, sucked it up, and bought lots of baby paraphenalia. Hubby thought I was just tired because we got up way early. Managed to make it out of the store without crying. Managed to make it through the birthday party with no tears. Fought away the tears during the baby shower. My mom made me cry tonight when I was at my older sister's house (the one who had the miscarriage a few months ago), talking about the miscarried baby, but somehow we also found ourselves laughing at it too. The connection is there for the 3 of us: my mom had 2 or 3 miscarriages between my older sister and me; my sister has had one; and I will likely never make it to that point. I hope our younger sister never has to be connected to us in that way.
***************CONFESSION TIME ***********************
I DO want to have a baby. Okay, there, I said it. For so long I've said I was okay with not experienceing child birth, that it was not something I HAD to do, that adoption would be my thing and that's what I really wanted anyway. But oh, how I do want it! I want to be the one with the big belly that everyone is making comments over. I want to go through the process of giving birth. I want to pick my baby up out of that hospital bassinet. I can picture myself hovering over his/her crib, telling other people how I want MY baby cared for. I want to know what a combination of hubby and me would look like. Someone once asked how you could miss someone who never existed. When your arms are empty, it's really easy....

So when's it coming?

While I still like to consider that I might be pregnant, I am also not trying to get my hopes up TOO high.... So I find myself saying "When ya gonna come, AF? Huh? Will it be during the high school football team tonight? While I'm trying to find some scrubs at a yard sale Saturday morning? At the 4-year-old niece's birthday party that afternoon? How about the aunt's party that night? Or will you be especially nasty and come just in time for the sister-in-law's baby shower Sunday afternoon? How 'bout this, you heifer? How 'bout you just don't show up at all!!!!!!!!!"
Sigh.... So I'm reduced to having conversations with AF now.... And I said I wouldn't become that crazy-obsessed lady....

Pregnant or just wishful thinking?

Though I didn't blog about it, I thought the same last month, and it was just wishful thinking.... But this month.....
I've felt pretty rotten for about the last 2 weeks. I felt like I could puke a lot (in the morning, not so much during the day, but it was still happening, and at night).... Always tired.... My lower back hurts more than usual.... I was trying to not get my hopes up, then my older sister asked me when my last AF was, because I had mentioned some of this to her. Then I mentioned at work that I didn't think I could handle pizza for lunch, then my aunt told my mom about it.... So yeah.... Hopes are up... BUT.... Yesterday I woke up with a migraine, which usually comes a day or 2 before AF... "Just in case," though, I didn't take anything... Until I got home and couldn't take it anymore, so I took 1 Exc1dr1n M*gra1ne.... Of course just 1 didn't really help that much, when they get that bad it usually takes 2 p1lls, a long nap, and 2 more before bed. So, was it a regular before-AF-migraine, or a pregnancy migraine? AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm always early, or at least while I was keeping up with it I was.... So if by the weekend (okay, that's what my sister said, I'm gonna be a chicken and wait until next week) AF has not shown her ugly head, I will probably be making a trip to W@lM*rt for a cheap little test. Probably just wisfhul thinking again, but why do I feel so rotten? Guess I'll be making a trip to the good ol' doctor if AF does come and I'm still feeling this way.
So, this is what it's gonna be like every month?
Busy weekend! Football game, niece's b-day party, aunt's b-day party, plans with the 'rents one AM, I'm sure I'm forgetting something!!!

Okay, after a 3-month break from a 5-post blog... I got married, had a change of address, obtained a new job, I'm Not pregnant, and those people who were going to laugh when I got pregnant on the honeymoon are now seeing their grins slowly start to fade. Not a lot has changed, and yet everything has changed! Everything is new and different, but I'm already comfortable in my new roles as wife, housekeeper, pharmacy tech. Just some random thoughts....
**The first AF after marriage wasn't that bad. A little disappointed, sure, but hey, we all knew it would happen. So my little bubble was burst, the doctor was right, and I realized this is NOT something I coud change with positive thinking.
**There has been times I *thought* I *might* be pregnant, but each time AF quickly showed me that it was merely wishful thinking. Have even thought of buying a test, "just to make sure," but that little voice in the back corner of my brain is going "Whatever for? Stop hoping for something that will never happen!"
**The realization that I do NOT have what it takes.... Could I really go through with all the procedures I have read about? Do I really want to try such things, with the understanding that in all likelyhood, none of them will work? I don't like needles.... So the first gyno visit was NOT the horror people said it was, but I've read it's nothing compared to IF visits. I am seriously doubting that I am strong enough to follow through with all I've read about! Fly to another country where I don't speak the language? Yes! Rely on complete strangers to process paperwork and translate for me? Sure! Stay in sad foreign country alone if my husband has to leave early to go back to work? Right on! But put me in the stirrups and aahhhhhh.... No thanks! And yet, I still am asking DH when we can make that urologist appt. I'm still wanting to find out if what we've been told is really true.
**My older sister had a miscarriage. this was the pregnancy in which I would live vicariously through her. Sooooooo sad. One appt, everything was okay and my 3-year-old nephew was letting us know the heartbeat sounded like a baby horse, but that his mom was NOT having a baby horse. The next appt, there was no heartbeat. She should have been 18 weeks and a day, but the baby was at least 4 or 5 weeks behind. It was a boy. It was about 8 inches long. I spent the night at her house, looked after my nephews most of that week. The day of "the procedure," I kept the boys at her house while the rest of the family went to the hospital. I wanted to be there, wanted to ask to see the baby, but I stayed where I was needed most. The night before, after the boys were in bed, I bent down, kissed her stomach, and told my baby nephew that I loved him and would see him in heaven. And I start to cry whenever I remember that moment...
**My father-in-law has just diagnosed with prostate cancer, and will see a surgeon later this month. They caught it early, just a few spots it seems, and he's opting for surgery to remove his prostate and get rid of all the cancer. This is the best kind to have, they say, and he should be fine after surgery. We'll see....
So now it's just a wait-and-see deal. DH has mentioned kids in a couple of years, so probably after our first anniversary, we will begin to work on paperwork and discuss where exactly this adoption will take place. I'm open to embryo adoption, I think, but we still have to discuss that, and will probably discuss it with our pastor, too. And of course, I will probably continue to think that I might be pregnant, then decide my mind is playing tricks on me, then AF will come and that will be that. Welcome back to blogger land!

And the Official Diagnosis Is.....

Went to the doctor today with DH. Normally his dad goes with him, but seeing as how we're getting married in LESS THAN A WEEK, and I had plenty of questions, I went instead of his dad. A little weird.... The doctor stuck his head in the door and said "What's goin' on man?" and walked on down the hall. So not a doctor statement! (I guess I'm just used to the really old ones or the ones that don't really speak that much English?) So he came in, and was obviously shocked to find out that DH is engaged, and even more shocked to find out the wedding is THIS Sunday! Now, DH has known since he was about 16 that he has Klinefelter syndrome, and that he has really accomplished a lot more in his life (academically, socially, mentally, in every way) than most men with KS. But that's about as far as his knowledge went. I, on the other hand, started researching KS and infertility and our options almost as soon as he told me. I wanted a definite karyotype, I wanted a semen analysis, I wanted to know all the details about everything. Today we saw the endocrinologist(sp?), who only deals with the testosterone side of KS, and checks different levels in the blood. He was able to look back in DH's chart and tell me that definitely, DH is 46XXY, not another variant thereof. I was kind of hoping for the mosaic, in which some are XY and some are XXY, as there is somewhat more hope of biological children with the mosaicism. I guess I wasn't really that surprised, but I had hoped for the best. It was easier to "pretend" to a certain extent, that everything would magically be okay one day, until I actually heard it from the doctor. So anyway, that's about the only question he could answer. He doesn't really deal with the semen analysis, but set up an appointment with the Urologist DH has seen before.
So, with 46XXY, the chances of conceiving are virtually nill. There are some higher-end procedures we could try, but the endo suggested that we go up to the East Coast for someone who specializes in ICSI. That's cheap, right? The whole process... So yeah, not only does DH get to be stuck with needles and have testicular biopsies done to "see if they find any sperm," we also get to hop on a plane and explain why he's walking so funny! And at this point, DH decided he, who is terrified of flying, would rather hop on a plane to Ukraine to adopt our children,than go through such terrible, horrible pain!!!!!! And at that point, I said that is why women give birth, not men! ;)

If I was an alcoholic....

... I would be sitting here with my bottle and crying into the keyboard by now! How many more people who I used to think were just little kids are gonna announce that they are married and either expecting a baby or already have 5 kids?!?!?! Honestly, myspace is a quick, easy way to get in touch and stay in touch with old friends, and I'm glad I signed up. I've gotten back in touch with an older friend who is interested in adopting My Little Ukrainian Friend (who has yet to be introduced in my blog! I'll save that for next time) and really wants to help out this summer with the orphan hosting program I've been involved with for a few years. This just blows my mind, because for a few years now, I have begged, pleaded, and basically offered my life, for someone, anyone, to please go with me to visit, or to help me sponsor an activity, or to write letters to orphan children, and it's always been no, I don't have time, that just doesn't interest me, I don't want to get that involved, etc. This wonderful woman read a few posts about my experiences with the orphans, and she's dying to get involved!! I can't wait for this summer!! Yeah, sorry for that big huge tangent!
Focus, focus.... Beware The Pregnant Lady. She is everywhere I go. She is at work times 2. She is in the family times 2. She is at church, times 2. She is in my friends list, not surprisingly, times 2. WHAT IS THIS? FREAKING NOAH'S ARK HERE???????????? It's okay for someone older than myself to be pregnant, that is the normal, natural thing that is supposed to happen. But when all these kids I used to think were so much younger than myself are walking around with kids on their hips or posting pictures of their big bellies, that's just not the natural order of the world!!!
I think we should start a REAL reality show, called Infertility Island. The only way you get off is if you get knocked up. Instead of competitions to see who can collect the most useless pieces of crap, let's see who can produce the most eggs. Instead of voting to see who sings the best, let's wager on who can produce the best semen. Instead of opening that case to find out how much money you just won or lost, why don't we find out how many failed cycles we're gonna go through? Instead of The Bachelor, let's have The Sperm Donor. Let's put a new spin on Survivor. Let's have our own Amazing Race of sorts, whoever gets to the next clinic first gets treated to a free round of injectibles and all-day spa treatments!
Off to bed, so I can get up early and go to hell. I'm in charge of hell tomorrow. The rest of the managers are either in the hospital, off, or close. So it's convenient for me to be a "real" manager tomorrow, instead of "just" a Team Leader. God, I really hope this other job comes through, and SOON!!!!!!
(On a separate note, my car died today, less than a week after being in the body shop because some moron who couldn't drive hit me, which was less than a week after I bought new tires... If it wasn't paid for and the first car I bought on my own.....)

Why I am not freaking out about my wedding.....

If I've been asked once, I've been asked a million times.... "Are you getting nervous about your wedding?" "Are you nervous yet?" "Wow! I bet your freaked out, aren't you?!" And my reply is always "What is there to be nervous about?" Which really freaks out the person asking said question. To which they ask "WHY?" and look at me like I have 5 heads or something. My reply is generally that, something is bound to go wrong, something will not work out like we have planned it, but at the end of the day, the end result will still be the same: we will be married! What I can't tell most people, and thus far have not told ANYONE, is the *****real***** reason I am not at all nervous or freaked out or scared about my wedding day. Ah, the power and freedom to speak that an anonymous blog gives me!!!!! So here's the real reason I'm perfectly calm.....
We're infertile. Not just "we're-going-to-have-problems-getting-pregnant" infertile. Not just "it's-going-to-take-a-long-time" infertile. Not just "we're-gonna-need-a-turkey-baster" infertile. Not even just "freeze-those-embryos-and-we'll-use-them-next-time" infertile. There will be no grand moment we announce to the world "WE ARE PREGNANT!!!" No amount of fertility drugs will help. No amount of surgery will help. It is not just unlikely that we will ever have biological children. It is not improbable, it is completely, totally, 100% I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E. Not gonna happen. No chance.
Not many people are faced with that news BEFORE they are married. Most people "try" to have kids before they find out about any difficulties, and most of those people try and try and try every single fertility plan in the world before the doctor gives them the news that there will be no children expelling from her uterus. So it's not like there are people who completely understand me on this. DH obviously doesn't want everyone to know about this just yet. That would bring on lots of other questions that we're not ready to answer yet. Because how many people actually know before they are married that they have no chance? I could launch into a whole freakin' BOOK about the emotions and issues of knowing something like this beforehand, but I'll save that for another post, another day. Back to the reason I'm so calm about this whole wedding thing.
Our wedding is just one day. The ceremony is actually a very small portion of one day. The whole thing, ceremony and reception, are a few hours of our entire lives. Granted, it is a very important day, I want everything to be pretty, I want it to be nice and all, but it is, in fact, JUST ONE DAY. It's just the beginning. If I let something like some flowers, that are gonna die anyway, get me upset.... If I let every bridesmaid not having matching jewelry turn me into bride-zilla.... If I let the fact that 5 children ages 3 and under might not cooperate and stand exactly where we want them to the entire ceremony, if I let that make me want to pull my hair out..... If I let the fact that every aspect is not gonna be picture perfect ruin the whole day for me, what is the rest of my life gonna be like? If I can't handle imperfect flowers, how will I ever handle filling out adoption forms for the tenth time because one section wasn't worded right? If all those nephews and a niece standing in the wrong place stresses me out, how will I ever make it through a 24-hour plane ride with a child who doesn't speak the same language as me? If I expect that one day to be a fairy tale, I'm going to be in for a nightmare for life. We're never having a baby. We're more than likely going to a foreign country to adopt one or a couple of children. Knowing ahead of time that you can never have kids doesn't lessen the pain any at all, just like knowing ahead of time that you are gonna die from cancer would make you so thrilled.
There are bigger things to worry about. There are more important things to stress over. I refuse to spend my time worrying about my hair, or stressing over whether or not all the guests are sitting on the correct sides of the church. I'm going to save my tears, my stress, my worry, for bigger, more important things.
Before I type this sentence, let me state that I am absolutely, completely, one million percent, in love with my fiance. There is no other man I would rather marry, I am going into this marriage with my eyes open, and I would not trade my sweetie for anything in the world, he is perfect for me. [end disclaimer] Most little girls dream of marrying their prince, and the whole white picket fence, all the kids they want, happily-ever-after story. When you realize that marrying the man of your dreams means the end of all those dreams you had about being pregnant and giving birth to his kids, somehow the details of that important day dim greatly.

Leaving Hell.... And women in labor in the restaurant

There's a high probability that I could have another job within the next 6-9 weeks!! If it's full time, I can leave Hell completely!!! If it's part time, I'm gonna tell them I can still work in Hell, but Tuesday and Thursday and possibly every other Saturday are the only days I will be available. I've pretty much been the pin ball on the schedule. All managers in my position are "required" to close at least 2 nights a week... I'm the only one who actually is made to stick by this rule, the others don't close at all, ever!! I'm only supposed to close 2 nights, and have asked them to work with me on this while I try to plan my wedding, because we are doing most everything ourselves (making invitations, no caterer, probably doing the flower arrangements, my mom is making all the dresses... I mean everything by ourselves!!) In the past month, there have been 2 weeks that I've had to close EVERY night... This started out as a college job, and when I was going to school during the day, working at night was fine. Now, however, I'm getting married, and work is no longer going to be such a high priority. I should first be there to care for my husband and actually see him before bed time. I want to be there to cook for him, I want to be there to welcome him home from work, I want to be his wife!!! With this new job, the pharmacy hours are 8-2, possibly changing to 8-5, Monday-Friday. NO night shifts, NO weekends... My fiance is a bank manager, so our hours would be close to the same, and I would get home before him almost always. We would FINALLY have Saturdays to spend together!! I found out about the job through my aunt, and she seems to think that the job is mine if I want it. I should know something within the next few weeks. I really hope it works out!!!
Okay, women in labor in the restaurant..... That's always lovely.... Of course I've never been pregnant, and never will be, but I've known plenty of pregnant ladies and been around them long enough to know that ya can't really control where your water breaks.... But if you're in active labor, should you really come into a restaurant and eat before you go to the hospital? I mean, there IS something called a drive-thru... So anyway, Tuesday night is Family Night, which actually should be called Kids' Night, because all these little pre-school aged kids come in, generally screaming and yelling and crying.... It's not the best night for me to close anyway, partly because I CANNOT STAND a screaming, out-of-control kid pitching a fit while the parent lets them do it without disciplining the child.... However, the bigger reason is it's just painful. On a good day, I can handle it, but even on a good day when Big Mama brings her 8 kids in that she can't control because she's about to pop with her 9th, it's a little overwhelming for someone who knows she will never be there. On a bad day, the sight of parents with their small children hurts, seeing pregnant bellies hurts, and those screaming kids make me wonder why those parents could have all the babies.... So I have a deal with the other managers that I work in the kitchen on Tuesday nights if I have to close. Tonight I didn't have a chance to go on break before Family Night started, so I ***thought*** I would be safe eating in the dining room after the fun was over and the kids all went home... WRONG!!!!!!!! I ask why we're giving special treatment to this one couple (we give special treatment to lots of customers, and I was just curious), and the other manager tells me that the woman is in labor (!!!!) and she wanted to eat before she went to the hospital!!! So they're finishing up their meal, and then they come talk to us before they leave.... It's their 4th child (his 5th) and they're so excited, they can't wait, they're telling us names blah blah blah...... Well just dig out my heart and let me eat THAT for supper!!!!

Introduction, and the beginning of the Insanity

So, after reading about 85 million infertility blogs, here I am with my own! For starters, I'm not really married yet, at least not until next month, but it was a lot easier to describe my blog as being married now, rather than having to change it in a month.... Not that I would remember to change it, and that would just be weird.... Dated DH 4 years, except for that 3-month-period in which I told him not to even speak to me about dating, marriage, etc, until he could make up his mind and was ready to get married, for sure, with a house, and a date set. Some nerve, most people thought, but eventually he came around.
We are both Christians. I will refer to God a lot, because without Him, I am nothing. Christianity is an important part in our lives. You don't have to agree with me on everything or anything, but please respect my beliefs in my blog, and I will respect your beliefs in yours. :)
The beginning of the insanity..... I guess really the insanity began when we started dating. About 2 years into the relationship, he told me he had known for several years that he could not possibly bear children. I had dreamed all my life of marrying my prince, having all the babies I wanted, and living happily-ever-after with a white picket fence. Usually when God is trying to drop hints to me, He ends up hitting me in the head with something really big and painful, and this was no exception. (You think I'm kidding -- the time before that it was an 88-thousand-lb 18-wheeler in the rear!!) I realized that God had been dropping hints all throughout my life, that I was called from the beginning to adopt. I do believe that adoption is a calling, and (I may be biased) it does take a special person with a special heart to adopt.
Not really sure just how much I'll reveal about why we're infertile or the juicy details of his life, but I'll be pretty open about my own, without revealing too many details. I'll probably post a lot about my nephews and niece, and whatever the next 2 babies are (yes, I, the Forever Infertile Bride, will have 2 T-W-O pregnant bridesmaids), because I am THE Fun Aunt. They're always saying or doing something so darned funny, and after all, they are like our children, because they are the closest thing to biological children we will ever have.
So, really in this blog, I've told you nothing, yet I've told you everything. You'll probably find all of my postings to be rambling and not very coherent, I assure you I am not always this way, but the only time I am online is way too late when I should be asleep. Ah, the price you pay for a little privacy!!
So... I'm getting married next month (4 weeks from tomorrow actually!!), we already know there will be no biological children... Oh yes, more details.... A very limited number of people know about this (like immediate family and one or two close friends is it) because we're not married yet, so unless ya know the details, ya wonder why/how we already know about our infertility (no, we haven't "tried" to have children yet!) I would love to talk about it and to let more people know, because it's tough to talk about adoption and answer questions like "Why are you not wanting to have 'your own' kids?" or not stab peoples' eyeballs out when they lecture you about how EVERY female should at least have ONE biological child, I mean you just HAVE to, I KNOW you will change your mind when you get married!! I want to adopt from Ukraine, Russia, Vietnam, or possible somewhere else. He objected at first, then decided he would rather risk his life on an airplane than go through testing/procedures it would take to determine what we already know (at which point it was obvious why men are not the ones giving birth... they are wimps)... I have serious issues with DHR in our area, and darned near absolutely refuse to even think about fostering, but also understand that it works for lots of people, and applaud and respect all foster parents. Hhmmm Okay enouhg random details....
Lastly, I'll introduce you to most of my cast of characters you'll be hearing about frequently....

• DH -- that's Dear Hubby or whatever... He's slow, always late, and makes the weirdest associations about things, usually sticks his foot in his mouth, but ya gotta love the guy!! Awesome sense of humor, loves to pick on me (I pick back), also thoughtful at times and sensitive-but-not-too-sensitive. I'm very much in love with my sweetie!!
• My parents -- titles yet to be determined.... Probably Mom and Dad or something.... Mom - loud, opinionated, and right, dang it!! Dad - honest, protective, hard-working.... Love them both and they have been great parents, even if over-protective.
• OS and B-I-L -- older sister and brother-in-law.... Was like a second Mom growing up, now we're more like friends. Athletic, able to beat up the boys in school and embarass them on the basketball court.
• YS and B-I-L -- younger sister and her hubby.... Argh, don't get me started... I love her because she's my sister, I can ssay anything I want to, but don't you dare talk about her, or I swear I WILL beat you up!!! Some things none of us ever outgrew....
• S-I-L and B-I-L -- DH's sister and b-i-l.... Sweet girl, love her to death!!! b-i-l is athletic and hates chocolate! Both fun to be around.
• In-Laws -- DH's parents.... Love them too.
• Oldest Nephew -- almost 4, calls me the Fun Aunt, likes me to take him to the movies, park, playground in Hell, anywhere!!! Lots of funny stories.
• Middle Nephew -- Oldest Nephew's brother, soon-to-be midle child, which explains the bond we have shared from the beginning. almost 1.
• Youngest Nephew -- name to be changed in the fall... Just 7 months, like to eat and sleep and laugh.
• Only Niece -- DH's niece, name likely to be changed in the fall.
• Two more niece/nephew (s) to be added when we find out what they are. OS and S-I-L are about 3 weeks apart, due in November.

Hell.... That's just what I frequently call my current place of employment. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am a top-college-graduate, working in a quick-service restaurant (read: top-notch fast food place).... You can tell how much I love my job, which hopefully will change after we're married. Started out as a college job, but when ya major in just-keep-on-and-get-your-master's, I mean Psychology, and minor in let's-go-play-some-games, I mean Recreation, and live in a small town, your option are limited.... So until I decide what I really want to be when I grow up, or just find something with day time hours, Monday-Friday, I'm stuck.... Needed the insurance until I'm married and get on DH's costs-less-but-worth-more plan.

Uh, yeah.... This is kinda long and probably doesn't really say much, but things will get more interesting from here, I promise!! Oh, and.... Ignore any typos, I'm not ignorant, I'm just too lazy to go back and make changes if I miss them the first time!!