Thursday, April 12, 2007

Why I am not freaking out about my wedding.....

If I've been asked once, I've been asked a million times.... "Are you getting nervous about your wedding?" "Are you nervous yet?" "Wow! I bet your freaked out, aren't you?!" And my reply is always "What is there to be nervous about?" Which really freaks out the person asking said question. To which they ask "WHY?" and look at me like I have 5 heads or something. My reply is generally that, something is bound to go wrong, something will not work out like we have planned it, but at the end of the day, the end result will still be the same: we will be married! What I can't tell most people, and thus far have not told ANYONE, is the *****real***** reason I am not at all nervous or freaked out or scared about my wedding day. Ah, the power and freedom to speak that an anonymous blog gives me!!!!! So here's the real reason I'm perfectly calm.....
We're infertile. Not just "we're-going-to-have-problems-getting-pregnant" infertile. Not just "it's-going-to-take-a-long-time" infertile. Not just "we're-gonna-need-a-turkey-baster" infertile. Not even just "freeze-those-embryos-and-we'll-use-them-next-time" infertile. There will be no grand moment we announce to the world "WE ARE PREGNANT!!!" No amount of fertility drugs will help. No amount of surgery will help. It is not just unlikely that we will ever have biological children. It is not improbable, it is completely, totally, 100% I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E. Not gonna happen. No chance.
Not many people are faced with that news BEFORE they are married. Most people "try" to have kids before they find out about any difficulties, and most of those people try and try and try every single fertility plan in the world before the doctor gives them the news that there will be no children expelling from her uterus. So it's not like there are people who completely understand me on this. DH obviously doesn't want everyone to know about this just yet. That would bring on lots of other questions that we're not ready to answer yet. Because how many people actually know before they are married that they have no chance? I could launch into a whole freakin' BOOK about the emotions and issues of knowing something like this beforehand, but I'll save that for another post, another day. Back to the reason I'm so calm about this whole wedding thing.
Our wedding is just one day. The ceremony is actually a very small portion of one day. The whole thing, ceremony and reception, are a few hours of our entire lives. Granted, it is a very important day, I want everything to be pretty, I want it to be nice and all, but it is, in fact, JUST ONE DAY. It's just the beginning. If I let something like some flowers, that are gonna die anyway, get me upset.... If I let every bridesmaid not having matching jewelry turn me into bride-zilla.... If I let the fact that 5 children ages 3 and under might not cooperate and stand exactly where we want them to the entire ceremony, if I let that make me want to pull my hair out..... If I let the fact that every aspect is not gonna be picture perfect ruin the whole day for me, what is the rest of my life gonna be like? If I can't handle imperfect flowers, how will I ever handle filling out adoption forms for the tenth time because one section wasn't worded right? If all those nephews and a niece standing in the wrong place stresses me out, how will I ever make it through a 24-hour plane ride with a child who doesn't speak the same language as me? If I expect that one day to be a fairy tale, I'm going to be in for a nightmare for life. We're never having a baby. We're more than likely going to a foreign country to adopt one or a couple of children. Knowing ahead of time that you can never have kids doesn't lessen the pain any at all, just like knowing ahead of time that you are gonna die from cancer would make you so thrilled.
There are bigger things to worry about. There are more important things to stress over. I refuse to spend my time worrying about my hair, or stressing over whether or not all the guests are sitting on the correct sides of the church. I'm going to save my tears, my stress, my worry, for bigger, more important things.
Before I type this sentence, let me state that I am absolutely, completely, one million percent, in love with my fiance. There is no other man I would rather marry, I am going into this marriage with my eyes open, and I would not trade my sweetie for anything in the world, he is perfect for me. [end disclaimer] Most little girls dream of marrying their prince, and the whole white picket fence, all the kids they want, happily-ever-after story. When you realize that marrying the man of your dreams means the end of all those dreams you had about being pregnant and giving birth to his kids, somehow the details of that important day dim greatly.

1 comment:

Jbeeky said...

Very powerful post. I hope you have a great day but am glad you understand one day does not make a life. But you know that. Keep in touch.