Calm, Patient, Waiting.

I am calm. I am patient. I am waiting.
Waiting for an interesting panel night tomorrow night.
Waiting for our first home visit to be scheduled.
Waiting to find out the next steps.
Waiting to have my Tuesday nights back! (Last class is next week)
Waiting to see if my mom is okay.
That last one just might be the straw that breaks this camel's back.
I am insanely calm. Well, there was that one, brief (seriously, maybe 5 minutes, if that) breakdown in the shower Saturday. But I am so chill.
Keeping comforting scripture close at hand and fresh on my mind. Reminding myself that God is still in control. Determined to enjoy the wait. Lots of deep breathing. Keeping focused only on what I can do **right now**, not the future.
As far as my mom... I want to believe that it is nothing, that she's gonna be fine. After all, at her church Friday night (revival), they sang the same song we sang at my church the Sunday after my dad was diagnosed with cancer. The doctor found it in his leg, but was sure it didn't start there, and not sure it could be stopped or cured. Between 4 and 5 years later, there has still been no sign of cancer anywhere in his body. Praise the Lord!
Today was a bit less calm and peaceful, but I'm working on it.
I'm not worried about my house being **perfect** for our first home visit. Clean, yes; organized, mostly; perfect- I'm so over that! I want to do a little more tidying up, but I'm not gonna stress myself out over it.
Calm. Patient. Waiting.

"Questionable" test results for my mom

My mom is one of those people who takes awesome care of everyone else, but not so much herself. My older sister made her an appointment b/c it's been years since she went to any doctor. All the doctor would tell her was some results were "questionable," or at least that's all she's telling US right now.
I'm trying to NOT think the worst, but my mind goes straight to the c-word that I'm not ready to say. And suddenly, I'm back to that scared, worried little girl - there are so many reasons I still need my Mama.

Reprieve!

So imagine my relief last night when The Lady (who will be doing both of our home visits) said she will talk to us next week about scheduling the first visit. She's out of the office for the rest of this week... Which I'm assuming (hoping?) means she won't be actually coming until the last week of class. Which would give me another weekend and some week days to get our house just the way I want it.
We did get some tips from people who have already had their first visit, so we'll be locking up chemicals, finding somewhere not in our house to store paint, and making sure to put those plug protector things to good use. We know we need a rail added to our front steps, but we're waiting until after the first visit to ask about our porch. It's probably around 3 feet high or so, and we want to know if we need a rail for the porch, too. No sense in paying someone to come out twice!
I'm thawing out. I wouldn't say I'm perfectly calm, cool, and collected about the whole thing, but I'm not freaking out about it either. I'm cutting myself some slack. After all, the first visit is to let you know what needs to be done before the second visit, and they don't expect perfect. So what if there are a couple of dirty towels in the bathroom, and a dirty dish or two in the sink? We do live here, after all! And I'm pretty sure she doesn't expect to talk in to freshly baked brownies and what have you. We're gonna make it through this, and we're gonna sit back and wait for our baby(-ies).
...And about that... I'm trying to refrain from guessing when it will happen. I'm not playing the "by this time" game. You know - by Christmas/Spring/Etc, we'll have a baby. Or counting on this Mother's Day to be happy flowers and sunshine. Realistic expectations are key!
Absolutely, without a doubt I'm excited. We're excited together, and looking forward to being parents. But let's keep it real, too. Was it dizzying when a friend said, "So in X weeks, you could have a baby?!?" Definitely. But really there's no time line. It *could* be weeks... Or months... Or years. I don't like that it could be a year or more, but it will happen when it's supposed to happen. Until then, let's enjoy the journey. :)

Working Through It

Can't really say I've thawed since my last post, but I'm definitely working through it. Tonight, I cleaned my bedroom. I admit it: I suck at keeping clothes hung up and out of the floor. I may change clothes 5 times before I find a combination that works, and most of those end up on the bed, then in the floor when I go to bed. Not sure why the huge aversion to hanging it back in the closet right away, but it's there. Hugely ashamed to admit there were sweaters - SWEATERS, PEOPLE!!! - in that pile. Did I mention it's in the triple digits here? But, it's done.
The master bedroom (save for hubby's dresser top) is ready for an inspection. I cleaned off the top of the washer, and once I wash, dry, and put away some blankets, the laundry room will be ready. The kitchen only needs everyday cleaning between now and inspection day. Same for the living room. Oh crap, gotta remember to draw up a fire escape plan for tomorrow night.
What's left? Well, the room intended to be for toys is still at least half full of random stuff/junk/crap. I'm thinking I'll be able to sort through it starting Wednesday or Thursday. A lot of it is hubby's work stuff, or papers he needs to go through to save or toss or shred. Thus tiny trails of shredded paper throughout the house. Choose your battles, right? The garage needs some serious attention - again, mostly crap hubby has to find a place for. I say garbage or yard sale most of it, he says ohhhh nooooo we might be able to use it one day!!!!
Just to shoot straight from the hip, here's how it *always* works out when we're cleaning, or getting rid of stuff, or getting ready for company. I get as much done as possible. D-O-N-E, done. Finished. I stay mostly focused on one area until it is DONE, then move to another area, and so on and so forth. Hubby, bless his heart, bounces allllllll over the house, doing random bits here and there. Put up some socks. Move 1 can off the bathroom counter into a drawer. Wash 2 cups and a spoon. Move the lawn mower out of the garage and into the shed. Hey, how 'bout a tv break? He just cannot stay on task.
Furthermore. I somehow manage to get enough done that I at least give the appearance that I have it all together. That may be because I shoved a wholelottacrap in the master bedroom and shut the door, but what really matters is done and presentable. (Haha, in this case, every room has to be presentable) I'll come through and get it done. But poor hubby. He does enough to scrape by, and doesn't really give a rat's... Well, he just really doesn't care... Let's just say, it doesn't bother him if people come in and see our house when it's messy. Which is often, granted, but dang it, I work full time, too, and do the best I can!
Sigh. I don't want to sound like I'm throwing him totally under the bus. He's a great guy, he doesn't really expect much more than occasional cooking and bare-minimum cleaning. He helps with laundry, takes care of most of the yardwork, and handles the bills.
We just have a LOT to get done in a LITTLE time. We're both world class procrastinators. I'm frozen, wanting to pitch a good fit because it's been a while, and this is stressing me out, and I want to just do something the easy way for once. He is currently sleeping on the couch, I'm guessing, instead of doing some reading and writing for class. Mr. NoFocus.
We WILL get there. She's not gonna eat us for lunch or refuse to come back or think we're the WORST house she's EVER seen or deny us a child because there's some dirty laundry in the basket and some boxes that we haven't unpacked. She and the other workers have told us it's not as bad as we think it will be, and not to freak out and worry about it, even though they know we will. So I'm going to sleep now. Calm, cool, collected. Because I can see my bedroom floor again, and my laundry room is good to go.

Frozen...

...Which is a little odd, what with the triple-digitedness going on here in the Deep South. Unless you've been at the office, where I wear a fleece jacket more often than not. Alas.
I was browsing some blogs on my lunch break, and realized I've kind of hit FreezeMode. Our first home visit is coming up in the next 2 weeks (not scheduled yet), and there are lots of things I SHOULD be doing. Every time I think about the daunting task of preparing those last 2 rooms and hanging pictures and decorating because all of that stuff is still boxed up from moving, I freeze. I can't decide where to start first, what room to focus on, I just freeze.
I'm ready for this. We've waited a long time for this whole process, but I want to first hit the "pause" button, then "fastforward" through visits 1 and 2 and possibly through the parts of the wait that I'm sad or frustrated or freaked the heck out.
But I know there will be good parts to the wait, just as I know the home visits really will NOT be that bad. So why am I a popsicle? Fear of the unkown? While we indeed have been looking forward to adoption, I've also become quite okay with being the infertile aunt. Or maybe not so much "okay," as "used to it." For our whole engagement, marriage, and even before that, I've known and drilled it into my head that parenthood would have to wait. And suddenly, we're here. Almost.
I like a good game of freeze tag. I mean, I lead games for groups large and small throughout the year, and even minored in play (or rec admin) in college. But for my future children's sake... Would somebody PLEASE unfreeze me now?

The C-word, Death, and Dying

I know, I know - happy little post! But it needs to be done.
First, my father-in-law is going to be having r#d!ation soon. He had surgery a couple of years ago for pr0st*te cancer, and now his #'s are going back up. He did mention that the first time, the doctor had given him those options, and told him if he chose the option he has to do now, there would be nothing that could be done later, if it came back. It's back... And I'm assuming after this, nothing more can be done? Hopefully, this will "work," he will be cured, and life will go on. But we've had a good bit of that sickness in our church, and usually coming back leads to the end of life, albeit weeks, months, or a year.
Hubby and I were talking last night, about how we don't really know how his mom would do - we think not well on her own. And I was thinking, have we made it to the point that we should start considering the deaths of our parents? My initial thought was that I'm too young for this. I more or less just let hubby talk, as he really needed to. He is concerned about the tiredness, and whether or not his parents will be able to do with our children what they have done with our niece and nephew - or if his father will be here at all.
Then, a brilliant teacher from high school, the epitome of perfect health - healthy eater, in perfect physical shape, Very active lifestyle - had to retire quickly, because the doctors found the c-word in her lungs and noggin'. (Please excuse the g00gle extinguishing) Doctor said he could give her another year, but couldn't guarantee anything after that. Over a matter of weeks, she went from perfect health to death sentence. How does this happen?
So, yesterday, instead of cleaning like a mad woman while hubby was at work, I slept in. When I got up, I kind of wanted some breakfast, so I drove to get what I wanted. Instead of staying home and slaving away to get ready for an upcoming home visit for adoption, we went out and spent the evening together. Yes, we do need to get the stuff done, but sometimes it's more important to just be.
I challenge you to go enjoy your day. Leave those dishes in favor of playing with your children. Get off-line and call your parents if they are still alive. Have an extra piece of cake. Go enjoy life while you have it.

Why do i feel like i'm repeating myself?

Could it be because I am? I am fine with not having biological children. I'm so over that. But, as usual, that's the advice I got tonight. You know what, using donor gametes IS possibly an option. We've looked into that. And decided it's not for us. Yes, I understand it has worked out quite well for a lot of other people. More power to anyone who decides that is the best option for them. I'm glad that for those to whom experiencing pregnancy and birth was important, that option was available.
Adoption is the option that suits us best right now. Adoption isn't for everyone, but I felt called to adopt even before I knew what it meant, before I realized that not every child had a stable 2-parent family. We could change our minds, later on, and decide that we DO want to try other things. But we're not there right now.
I wish that people would just support the decisions we're making, and not try to "fix" everything. We do have people in our lives who do support our decisions, who understand that we need to do what is right for us. Thank God for that! When it comes to those "fixers," I usually just smile and nod... But wouldn't it be so liberating to politely, kindly, tell them we've considered our options, and adoption is the best choice we can make right now?
I'm glad people care and want to help. For future reference, the best way to help someone is to ask what help they need.