We mwt some friends at a restaurant tonight, then went for ice cream. At the ice cream place, we ran into some other friends from church, who had a baby a few weeks ago. It's been many months since I held a snuggly lil guy, and she said we could take him out of his seat. Aaahhhhhhh I opted out of the ice cream in exchange for snuggle time! The scale will thank me later, and my baby meter is full.
As we were walking back to the car, hubby found a penny on the ground to put in our baby fund. (Remember the Christmas gift from the nephews, the jug for change they find?) I wasn't sad that we're going home empty-handed; in fact, I'm still holding it so it won't get lost in my purse. This little copper promise of things to come will go straight from my fist to the baby fund!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
At least I know the answer!
Apparently, my cycle is on its way back to normal. Apparently, stopping the bcp's just made for a whacked out couple of months. Apparently, it WAS just the drainage that made me feel like puking.
And I'm okay. I'm really and truly okay with a BFN. I was thinking, but refused to say outloud, that this was some big cosmic joke, and not a very funny one - that pregnancy would be dangled in front of my nose when we were weeks -- WEEKS(!!!) away from celebrating our 3rd anniversary and eligible to adopt. I'm really glad I listened to hubby and didn't POAS.
In other news, I pulled something in my back at work today, so on top of cramps and normal lower back pain, I'm having muscle spasms, too! Thank God for Vico*profen! I don't take stuff like that very often (they gave me 9 or 10 last July, and I still have 7), but I took 1 tablet a couple hours ago, and it's taken the edge off. Thinking it's gonna take another to get rid of the pain and make me sleep... But we're supposed to have storms and tornados, so I don't want to be KO'd. Better just stick with some pain!
And I'm okay. I'm really and truly okay with a BFN. I was thinking, but refused to say outloud, that this was some big cosmic joke, and not a very funny one - that pregnancy would be dangled in front of my nose when we were weeks -- WEEKS(!!!) away from celebrating our 3rd anniversary and eligible to adopt. I'm really glad I listened to hubby and didn't POAS.
In other news, I pulled something in my back at work today, so on top of cramps and normal lower back pain, I'm having muscle spasms, too! Thank God for Vico*profen! I don't take stuff like that very often (they gave me 9 or 10 last July, and I still have 7), but I took 1 tablet a couple hours ago, and it's taken the edge off. Thinking it's gonna take another to get rid of the pain and make me sleep... But we're supposed to have storms and tornados, so I don't want to be KO'd. Better just stick with some pain!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
What is this impending feeling that I'm gonna puke? And CD 35 (or could it be 21?) SUCKS!
Maybe I should reverse those. And for all I know, I guess it COULD be CD1, I've been stuck in a car for the past 4 hours, so I haven't been able to check the toilet paper like a mad woman lately. Seriously, when you start shutting the door so your hubby won't know you're checking it AGAIN, you just might be obsessed.
Anyway, it is now CD 35 (I've only made it to 28 ONCE, it's usually more like 24-27)... Unless you count the 3 days of bleeding during what should have been the middle of this cycle, as a new cycle of its own. Did I explain that okay? Still considering POAS, just in case, hopeless fool that I am... But if this is just CD 21, and not 35, then of course it's too early. My freakin' body is seriously screwed up. The nurses already had that sound of "Oh crap, don't YOU want to answer it this time?" when I called earlier this month.
It is all made so incredibly much better with this random feeling that I could puke. My stomach doesn't hurt at all, but I feel like I'm gonna puke throughout the day. I'm trying to rationalize that by saying it's just from all the drainage from all this pollen... But I don't remember feeling like this with sinus/allergy stuff before. A sip or bite of something makes it better for a minute, but it's there again a few minutes later. I don't want to ask anyone IRL what that loathed pregnany symptom feels like, to avoid getting anyone's baby radar on alert. Hubby says I'm irritable, but that could be anything - pms, pg, or just BECAUSE IT'S FRIGGIN' CD 35!!!!!!!! What.The.Crap.
Anyway, it is now CD 35 (I've only made it to 28 ONCE, it's usually more like 24-27)... Unless you count the 3 days of bleeding during what should have been the middle of this cycle, as a new cycle of its own. Did I explain that okay? Still considering POAS, just in case, hopeless fool that I am... But if this is just CD 21, and not 35, then of course it's too early. My freakin' body is seriously screwed up. The nurses already had that sound of "Oh crap, don't YOU want to answer it this time?" when I called earlier this month.
It is all made so incredibly much better with this random feeling that I could puke. My stomach doesn't hurt at all, but I feel like I'm gonna puke throughout the day. I'm trying to rationalize that by saying it's just from all the drainage from all this pollen... But I don't remember feeling like this with sinus/allergy stuff before. A sip or bite of something makes it better for a minute, but it's there again a few minutes later. I don't want to ask anyone IRL what that loathed pregnany symptom feels like, to avoid getting anyone's baby radar on alert. Hubby says I'm irritable, but that could be anything - pms, pg, or just BECAUSE IT'S FRIGGIN' CD 35!!!!!!!! What.The.Crap.
Monday, April 19, 2010
@ the doctor for my nephew to get his head glued back together, and my sister bought an HPT today
So I had been in from work long enough to eat a slice of left-over pizza, when my sister called to see if I could ride with her to get my nephew's head glued. Apparently he was pushed by his little friend into a door while her m-i-l was keepiing him, and she didn't see any reason to take him to the doctor. Eh, what's a gash in the head? My b-i-l and his sister didn't really ever go to the doctor. So I grabbed a pack of gum for a bribe, and off we went...
During the ride over, she updated me on half the women in the world and their pregnancies. Or two. Or three if you count herself. That just-graduated-from-high-school couple? Their baby was born last week. Sister's best friend from high school, the once-anorexic-binge-drinking-turned-crack-head!? Finding out next week if it's a boy or girl! Aaaaaaaaaand.... she bought an HPT for later this week or next. Because they are officially trying for #2 as of this month, and even though she's not late yet, she wanted to go ahead and test because last time, she had AF for the first 3 months. (She pulled it out of her purse to show it to me in the doctor's office, and again in the drive-thru to get ice cream for being such a big boy) I hate that I've become so jaded that I raise an eyebrow and say, if only to myself, "hope it works out like that for ya..."
I find myself saying that a lot lately. I guess because I've never had the luxury of making a plan to be pregnant on our own by this time or that month, I forget that it actually does work out for some people like that. I'm usually okay with knowing that I found out about our infertility at summer camp surrounded by non-English-speaking Chinese people... But other times, it makes me a little sad that we never had the blissful ignorance of assuming it could happen easily, quickly, and without mucho assistance.
During the ride over, she updated me on half the women in the world and their pregnancies. Or two. Or three if you count herself. That just-graduated-from-high-school couple? Their baby was born last week. Sister's best friend from high school, the once-anorexic-binge-drinking-turned-crack-head!? Finding out next week if it's a boy or girl! Aaaaaaaaaand.... she bought an HPT for later this week or next. Because they are officially trying for #2 as of this month, and even though she's not late yet, she wanted to go ahead and test because last time, she had AF for the first 3 months. (She pulled it out of her purse to show it to me in the doctor's office, and again in the drive-thru to get ice cream for being such a big boy) I hate that I've become so jaded that I raise an eyebrow and say, if only to myself, "hope it works out like that for ya..."
I find myself saying that a lot lately. I guess because I've never had the luxury of making a plan to be pregnant on our own by this time or that month, I forget that it actually does work out for some people like that. I'm usually okay with knowing that I found out about our infertility at summer camp surrounded by non-English-speaking Chinese people... But other times, it makes me a little sad that we never had the blissful ignorance of assuming it could happen easily, quickly, and without mucho assistance.
Friday, April 16, 2010
She gets it!!!! And if AF doesn't come by tomorrow...
I don't always get into my religious beliefs on this blog (absolutely do on my other blog!)... But this is one time I MUST say that God's hand was directing me to http://www.bradenwinks.wordpress.com tonight. She gets it! She understands what I have been crying over and camping out on my soapbox about for the past week. I don't know where my kids will be born, I don't know if they're already alive, barely conceived, or not yet conceived, but I do know I've never loved children as much as I love *my* babies. And I love, and am loved by, a whole lotta kids! They flock to me, and I to them, but I digress...
She gets what, NotTheMama? Get to your point already! This adoptive Mommy gets that your baby is your baby is your baby, and a loving parent will do whatever it takes for her child. Oh, it does my heart good to know that she is taking such good care of this beautiful little boy. It gives me strength that I will NOT be eating my words one day, and doing the same things I cry out against right now. It's absolutely difficult, and she embraces that fact, but you do it for your baby. Another ongoing story is http://whenrainhurts.wordpress.com - I find myself checking her blog every day or 2, waiting on the next part of her story. Call me Pollyanna, but I just love a good story where it just clicks and I find themes of unconditional love and acceptance.
If AF doesn't show tomorrow, and if I have time to slip off to the store, I'm gonna try to work out a way* to buy an hpt. Just because. While I know in my head that I'm setting myself up for disappointment and will likely down that entire pint of Ben & Jerry's I bought yesterday, then crumble into a pile of tears and snot, I just need to know. Rolling my eyes over the fact that I just had a stinkin' exam AND u/s Monday and they should've seen **something** if there's anything there.... My older sister says it's funny that AF hasn't showed, and I know exactly what she's insinuating there, and she says it's possible I "could be" and they just didn't see it... Highly doubtful, and as happy as I would be, there's also the apprehension of becoming "that woman" who swore there was no way possible. A matter of weeks away from becoming elligible to adopt. And did I mention I've been pumping my body full of a cocktail of OTC meds to get rid of this drainage and congestion and cough? AF is stupid. I'm thinking about talkin' 'bout her Mama, but I'm sooooo afraid of how she would retaliate!
*Strange way to word it? Only store I could possibly get to tomorrow would be Wzally Wzorld. The local one, that everybody and their brother goes to. Where I would certainly see someone at any time on a Saturday. And I just don't want THAT rumor floating around. Why do I feel like a teenager trying to buy cond*oms from my best friend's dad's drugstore?
She gets what, NotTheMama? Get to your point already! This adoptive Mommy gets that your baby is your baby is your baby, and a loving parent will do whatever it takes for her child. Oh, it does my heart good to know that she is taking such good care of this beautiful little boy. It gives me strength that I will NOT be eating my words one day, and doing the same things I cry out against right now. It's absolutely difficult, and she embraces that fact, but you do it for your baby. Another ongoing story is http://whenrainhurts.wordpress.com - I find myself checking her blog every day or 2, waiting on the next part of her story. Call me Pollyanna, but I just love a good story where it just clicks and I find themes of unconditional love and acceptance.
If AF doesn't show tomorrow, and if I have time to slip off to the store, I'm gonna try to work out a way* to buy an hpt. Just because. While I know in my head that I'm setting myself up for disappointment and will likely down that entire pint of Ben & Jerry's I bought yesterday, then crumble into a pile of tears and snot, I just need to know. Rolling my eyes over the fact that I just had a stinkin' exam AND u/s Monday and they should've seen **something** if there's anything there.... My older sister says it's funny that AF hasn't showed, and I know exactly what she's insinuating there, and she says it's possible I "could be" and they just didn't see it... Highly doubtful, and as happy as I would be, there's also the apprehension of becoming "that woman" who swore there was no way possible. A matter of weeks away from becoming elligible to adopt. And did I mention I've been pumping my body full of a cocktail of OTC meds to get rid of this drainage and congestion and cough? AF is stupid. I'm thinking about talkin' 'bout her Mama, but I'm sooooo afraid of how she would retaliate!
*Strange way to word it? Only store I could possibly get to tomorrow would be Wzally Wzorld. The local one, that everybody and their brother goes to. Where I would certainly see someone at any time on a Saturday. And I just don't want THAT rumor floating around. Why do I feel like a teenager trying to buy cond*oms from my best friend's dad's drugstore?
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Injustice! Or, the post where I jump on my soapbox about people who harm children, when they signed up to care for them
Whew. Several things in the past few days have had me crying, "Injustice! It's just not fair! What can I do about it?!?"
This whole deal with Russia and the lady who's name escapes me at the moment. Granted, I don't know the specifics, and granted I have yet to adopt... But as a parent, you DO NOT have the right to send your child away! Might you need outside help? Certainly. Can love and hugs solve everything? Sometimes not. But when you make a decision to become a parent, regardless of how that happens, you make the decision to love that child FOREVER - NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO OR DO NOT DO!!! Regardless of whether your child becomes the president or is never able to live completely independent, they deserve your undivided, whole and complete love. Sometimes that love is tough and shown through discipline - not abuse - and sometimes it's an arm around the shoulder and "I don't understand, but I love you and will do anything to help you and support you!" Love is NEVER putting a lost, scared, angry, hurt child on a plane because they are somehow "too damaged" for you. I understand in extreme situations love even means having to have your child admitted to a treatment facility that may feel like abandonment, but to cheapen the life of a child by putting a return policy on them is just sick. EVERY child deserves a mother's love, a father's concern. So there's my stance on that.
I've recently been introduced to some different perspectives from adult adoptees. More injustice! A pastor, Tony Nolan, whose story you should really hear, went through all kinds of hell in the foster care system and then adoption... And a random stranger with a story that makes me both sad and angry. Again, when you sign up for fostering and/or adoption, you sign up for becoming a responsible, loving parent. It sounds harsh, but I wonder if there is a special place in hell, reserved for those who harm children and are never sorry and never change. As I've already mentioned, ALL children deserve to be loved and cared for. When you make the decision to care for children in foster care or adoption, you make it your responsibility to ensure those children are loved and cared for. Throwing a baby down the stairs just for kicks and gambling purposes, reminding them how much you "paid for them," threatening to "send them back" or telling them you could/should do so is OFF-LIMITS, even as a joke. The thought of such dispicable actions brings me to tears and leaves me wanting to find someone in a dark alley... Mark my words, I will do everything in my power to let my children know that I would do anything for them, I will never turn them away or send them back, and they can tell me anything - nothing is taboo. Oh, and it would probably be smart to never even look like you might be thinking about hurting one of my babies. Just sayin'.
So. What to do, where to go next? I plan to keep reading, to educate myself on all angles of the adoption triad, and pointing out injustice where I see it.
And for now, I'm trying to stop coughing and keep breathing and sleep without getting choked. Pollen sucks.
This whole deal with Russia and the lady who's name escapes me at the moment. Granted, I don't know the specifics, and granted I have yet to adopt... But as a parent, you DO NOT have the right to send your child away! Might you need outside help? Certainly. Can love and hugs solve everything? Sometimes not. But when you make a decision to become a parent, regardless of how that happens, you make the decision to love that child FOREVER - NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO OR DO NOT DO!!! Regardless of whether your child becomes the president or is never able to live completely independent, they deserve your undivided, whole and complete love. Sometimes that love is tough and shown through discipline - not abuse - and sometimes it's an arm around the shoulder and "I don't understand, but I love you and will do anything to help you and support you!" Love is NEVER putting a lost, scared, angry, hurt child on a plane because they are somehow "too damaged" for you. I understand in extreme situations love even means having to have your child admitted to a treatment facility that may feel like abandonment, but to cheapen the life of a child by putting a return policy on them is just sick. EVERY child deserves a mother's love, a father's concern. So there's my stance on that.
I've recently been introduced to some different perspectives from adult adoptees. More injustice! A pastor, Tony Nolan, whose story you should really hear, went through all kinds of hell in the foster care system and then adoption... And a random stranger with a story that makes me both sad and angry. Again, when you sign up for fostering and/or adoption, you sign up for becoming a responsible, loving parent. It sounds harsh, but I wonder if there is a special place in hell, reserved for those who harm children and are never sorry and never change. As I've already mentioned, ALL children deserve to be loved and cared for. When you make the decision to care for children in foster care or adoption, you make it your responsibility to ensure those children are loved and cared for. Throwing a baby down the stairs just for kicks and gambling purposes, reminding them how much you "paid for them," threatening to "send them back" or telling them you could/should do so is OFF-LIMITS, even as a joke. The thought of such dispicable actions brings me to tears and leaves me wanting to find someone in a dark alley... Mark my words, I will do everything in my power to let my children know that I would do anything for them, I will never turn them away or send them back, and they can tell me anything - nothing is taboo. Oh, and it would probably be smart to never even look like you might be thinking about hurting one of my babies. Just sayin'.
So. What to do, where to go next? I plan to keep reading, to educate myself on all angles of the adoption triad, and pointing out injustice where I see it.
And for now, I'm trying to stop coughing and keep breathing and sleep without getting choked. Pollen sucks.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Truth, Lie, Bounce, per SQ
Playing along in the Virtual Lushary. So is it truth or lie? Did I really go to school to learn to play games and analyze people?
Yes, I actually did! I majored in psychology, and minored in Recreation Administration. And yes, there was entire course devoted to playing group games, where we went to a field or the gym, and played a crapload of games. We had several required camping trips, but I never got to take the rock climbing course, because it was always full.
On one of those trips, I totally forgot bedding. My mom had to drive over an hour, and she brought me 2 lap blankets and no pillow. It was freezing that night, and I woke up throwing up in the middle of the night, and had to leave the next morning and drive over an hour back home, still puking. Pleasant trip. I also only did about half the "required" work in a related class, and got an A.
My plans were to use ropes course in therapy for abuse victims, only it turns out no such program exists where I live. I am now the ph*armacy m*anag*er for the company that originally hired me as a delivery person.
Mel, this is a fun game! ;)
If you have no clue what I'm blogging about, go to http://www.stirrupqueens.com and see the Virtual Lushary post.
Yes, I actually did! I majored in psychology, and minored in Recreation Administration. And yes, there was entire course devoted to playing group games, where we went to a field or the gym, and played a crapload of games. We had several required camping trips, but I never got to take the rock climbing course, because it was always full.
On one of those trips, I totally forgot bedding. My mom had to drive over an hour, and she brought me 2 lap blankets and no pillow. It was freezing that night, and I woke up throwing up in the middle of the night, and had to leave the next morning and drive over an hour back home, still puking. Pleasant trip. I also only did about half the "required" work in a related class, and got an A.
My plans were to use ropes course in therapy for abuse victims, only it turns out no such program exists where I live. I am now the ph*armacy m*anag*er for the company that originally hired me as a delivery person.
Mel, this is a fun game! ;)
If you have no clue what I'm blogging about, go to http://www.stirrupqueens.com and see the Virtual Lushary post.
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