Ugh... So it seems I should have followed my own assvice and restarted bc when AF comes, waited it out until my annual exam in July, and saved a co-pay. I was introduced to ultrasound encounters of the vag*inal kind, and while it wasn't something I'd sign up for every day, it really was nowhere near the horror stories I've heard and read about.
Dr said nothing seemed unusual in his exam, but he wanted the ultrasound just to make sure; if I don't hear back from him, that means everything is okay and he'll see me in July. I can go back on bcp's if I would like to. They are really the best option for cysts and preventing prgnancy and yesn he really told me that! Gee, doc, I thought that whole lack of sperm thing was pretty good birth control! I need MORE methods of pregnany prevention?!?
He said he could do lap to explore other possible problems, as a cyst is really just their assumed educated guess, but first he would recommend a gastroenerologist to rule out other problems. Gee, doc, I figured with the pain occuring around ovulation time AND irregular periods, THAT just MIGHT be a freakin' blue paw print of a clue!
Sigh. So, looks like it's back to the pill for me. Because one way or another, I can't go through this hell every month. And we WILL be discussing EVERYTHING in July. I just really want to be DONE!
As for a not-so-friendly comment on a previous post... I just don't have the energy to deal with it tonight. Whatever.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
To the doctor in about 15 hours!
Hoping to get some answers, or at least schedule some tests to get some answers!
I've been in a funk. It's been one of those days where I really just wanted to stay home and not see anyone. Woke up late, hubby used all the hot water, so I missed Sunday School and made it - late - to preaching. Jetted out the door as soon as was polite after church.
There was a brief hour or two this morning that I considered what it would be like to really TRY. What if three injections a week were covered under insurance, and he actually DID begin to produce sperm in his semen? We could totally do a few rounds of IUI's. Maybe even 1 round of IVF if the injections didn't work and I could talk him into TESE.
But see? There would be no stopping! One thing would lead to another, and we would find ourselves 5 or 10 years down the road, wayyyy in debt, most likely still childless. And I am convinced I would need lots of drugs, therapy, and probably a mental health hospital to recover. I hate to say it's not worth it, because IF it ended with a living, breathing, healthy child, with only a little debt, it would be totally worth it. But in all honesty, it's just not going to happen that easily, I'm terrible at quitting before I prove something can happen, and there would be no stopping point.
In high school and early college, nothing would have stopped me. I would prove it, dang it, or die trying, if you told me something was impossible. Most of my life has been about proving I was athletic enough, intelligent enough, talented enough, in love enough, committed enough, or just plain good enough to do what everyone said could not be done. After a bad wreck and some abuse and other stuff, I learned that sometimes, it's better (easier? wiser? chickener?) to just admit that, hey, you're right - it's not possible, it'll never happen, and trying is only going to make things harder, more painful, and more difficult to get over.
I realized this morning that I can NOT give birth and still have a happy life. A lovely church friend, J, never gave birth, and she is a happy grandmother with a full life. I'm sure it hasn't been a bed of roses; in fact, I know otherwise, as her husband was killed in a terrible car crash last year... It hasn't been easy, but it's possible to be HAPPY after IF. Even if I never have a chance to get pregnant.
After reading some blogs, I'm not sure I have the heart to go through all the BFN's that are sure to come with highest-end ART's. This is one time when I'm throwing in the towel, admitting defeat, and not trying to prove to the world that I!Can!Do!It! I'm hoping my doctor will agree and at least take this darn, pesky left ovary.
I've been in a funk. It's been one of those days where I really just wanted to stay home and not see anyone. Woke up late, hubby used all the hot water, so I missed Sunday School and made it - late - to preaching. Jetted out the door as soon as was polite after church.
There was a brief hour or two this morning that I considered what it would be like to really TRY. What if three injections a week were covered under insurance, and he actually DID begin to produce sperm in his semen? We could totally do a few rounds of IUI's. Maybe even 1 round of IVF if the injections didn't work and I could talk him into TESE.
But see? There would be no stopping! One thing would lead to another, and we would find ourselves 5 or 10 years down the road, wayyyy in debt, most likely still childless. And I am convinced I would need lots of drugs, therapy, and probably a mental health hospital to recover. I hate to say it's not worth it, because IF it ended with a living, breathing, healthy child, with only a little debt, it would be totally worth it. But in all honesty, it's just not going to happen that easily, I'm terrible at quitting before I prove something can happen, and there would be no stopping point.
In high school and early college, nothing would have stopped me. I would prove it, dang it, or die trying, if you told me something was impossible. Most of my life has been about proving I was athletic enough, intelligent enough, talented enough, in love enough, committed enough, or just plain good enough to do what everyone said could not be done. After a bad wreck and some abuse and other stuff, I learned that sometimes, it's better (easier? wiser? chickener?) to just admit that, hey, you're right - it's not possible, it'll never happen, and trying is only going to make things harder, more painful, and more difficult to get over.
I realized this morning that I can NOT give birth and still have a happy life. A lovely church friend, J, never gave birth, and she is a happy grandmother with a full life. I'm sure it hasn't been a bed of roses; in fact, I know otherwise, as her husband was killed in a terrible car crash last year... It hasn't been easy, but it's possible to be HAPPY after IF. Even if I never have a chance to get pregnant.
After reading some blogs, I'm not sure I have the heart to go through all the BFN's that are sure to come with highest-end ART's. This is one time when I'm throwing in the towel, admitting defeat, and not trying to prove to the world that I!Can!Do!It! I'm hoping my doctor will agree and at least take this darn, pesky left ovary.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Excerpt from an article I read, about adoptees mourning their loss
"Adoptees are faced with a feeling of loss and grief that they are not allowed, by society, to actively mourn... She is aware that family members are lost to her, but is expected to not mourn the loss of this family member she has never known."
Not in my house. When that issue arises, I'm hoping I will remember my own grief and mourning of losing a family member (or a few family members!) that I never knew, and never existed. (And now I'm looking at that word - existed - ans wondering if it's spelled correctly. Don't you hate those words that just look wrong on paper?)
Should you google aladult adoptees," you will find lots of scary stuff. Some wish adoption was illegal. A lot are angry at the parents who adopted them, and think more highly of their birth parents. A good many are disappointed with reunions or the lack thereof. I'm wanting to believe that it's a "support group" type thing. I want to believe that those adult adoptees who are happy in life and treated well by their families, just don't see the need to blog about their life as an adopted person, because it's just not an issue. Much in the same way you wouldn't really expect someone who's never been touched by infertility to blog on and on about how easy getting pregnant was, and how awesome it is to not have to spend a year's salary trying to get that first baby here.
So I'm left with wondering how to get from here to there; how do you raise an adopted child to feel loved and wanted more than anything in the world, while balancing that with acknowledging the loss of a different family, and appreciation of the birth family, regardless of the circumstances leading up to the adoption? It seems to be a balancing act. If I weren't so darn shy, I would ask these questions of people I know who have/were adopted. Maybe I'll try http://www.successisrelative.com's Fearless Friday challenge, and just step out and do it!
Not in my house. When that issue arises, I'm hoping I will remember my own grief and mourning of losing a family member (or a few family members!) that I never knew, and never existed. (And now I'm looking at that word - existed - ans wondering if it's spelled correctly. Don't you hate those words that just look wrong on paper?)
Should you google aladult adoptees," you will find lots of scary stuff. Some wish adoption was illegal. A lot are angry at the parents who adopted them, and think more highly of their birth parents. A good many are disappointed with reunions or the lack thereof. I'm wanting to believe that it's a "support group" type thing. I want to believe that those adult adoptees who are happy in life and treated well by their families, just don't see the need to blog about their life as an adopted person, because it's just not an issue. Much in the same way you wouldn't really expect someone who's never been touched by infertility to blog on and on about how easy getting pregnant was, and how awesome it is to not have to spend a year's salary trying to get that first baby here.
So I'm left with wondering how to get from here to there; how do you raise an adopted child to feel loved and wanted more than anything in the world, while balancing that with acknowledging the loss of a different family, and appreciation of the birth family, regardless of the circumstances leading up to the adoption? It seems to be a balancing act. If I weren't so darn shy, I would ask these questions of people I know who have/were adopted. Maybe I'll try http://www.successisrelative.com's Fearless Friday challenge, and just step out and do it!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Broken bone, If I wasn't so tired, Doctor appt, Other randon stuff
***my poor little nephew has a cast on his leg for the next 3 weeks. His first tball game is Saturday, so he's pretty upset that he can't play. His younger brother, the middle child, is having a hard time with big bro and little bro getting so much attention and needing so much help. I'm an old pro at being in the middle, so I'm gonna rescue him and make him king for a day one afternoon. Same for big bro. Baby bro (15 months) doesn't really care, as long as mommy doesn't disappear!
***So.Tired. Aching ovary, sore lower abdomen, new intermittent stabbing pain near right ovary... I think just the aches and pains have me completely worn out. I'm so tired I could cry. But nobody IRL really knows just how much I hurt or just how tired I really am. Doctor appt Monday afternoon, hoping for a solution and some answers!
***I was offered a pretty sweet promotion @ work Monday, accepted it Wednesday, and am working on learning exactly what this is going to look like. My official title is ph*rmacy m#anager, and I'm (theoretically) in charge of, well honestly, everything. A little scary, a bit overwhelming, but hopefully worth it. Hubby and I have been praying and discussing how to finance international adoption, and God drops a substantial raise in my lap, with another considerable raise to follow if I take and pass a test. Lots of drama surrounding my promotion - one got demoted when she refused to work full time, discussions about firing our drivers, home office was prepared for all of us to walk out, and it goes on and on.
Vacation in 3 weeks!!!!! I'm working that Monday, then we're off to relax from Tuesday-Saturday, coming home in time for Mother's Day. Possibly visiting 2 cities, 2 free nights in a really nice hotel, and 2 or 3 nights somewhere cheaper. The 2 free nights are in Nashville, then we're thinking about going to Memphis as well. A trip to the zoo in one of those cities is on the agenda, and there's a fire museum in Memphis, but we don't really follow an itinerary on vacation. Very little scheduling involved - it's more about relaxing and meandering here or there or nowhere!
***Funny story to end! Hubby is a volunteer fireman. They give him a hard time about sleeping through calls - he missed a call just down the road from us around Christmas because I couldn't wake him up! Well, a strong thunderstorm came through this morning and took out some trees and power lines in several parts of our county. Hubby turns on his fire radio and hears one of our guys call in route. A few minutes later, he sees flashing lights out the front door... A tree is blocking the road, and half of it is laying IN OUR YARD!!!! He was friggin' LATE to a fire call in our own YARD! Pretty funny, poor guy!
***So.Tired. Aching ovary, sore lower abdomen, new intermittent stabbing pain near right ovary... I think just the aches and pains have me completely worn out. I'm so tired I could cry. But nobody IRL really knows just how much I hurt or just how tired I really am. Doctor appt Monday afternoon, hoping for a solution and some answers!
***I was offered a pretty sweet promotion @ work Monday, accepted it Wednesday, and am working on learning exactly what this is going to look like. My official title is ph*rmacy m#anager, and I'm (theoretically) in charge of, well honestly, everything. A little scary, a bit overwhelming, but hopefully worth it. Hubby and I have been praying and discussing how to finance international adoption, and God drops a substantial raise in my lap, with another considerable raise to follow if I take and pass a test. Lots of drama surrounding my promotion - one got demoted when she refused to work full time, discussions about firing our drivers, home office was prepared for all of us to walk out, and it goes on and on.
Vacation in 3 weeks!!!!! I'm working that Monday, then we're off to relax from Tuesday-Saturday, coming home in time for Mother's Day. Possibly visiting 2 cities, 2 free nights in a really nice hotel, and 2 or 3 nights somewhere cheaper. The 2 free nights are in Nashville, then we're thinking about going to Memphis as well. A trip to the zoo in one of those cities is on the agenda, and there's a fire museum in Memphis, but we don't really follow an itinerary on vacation. Very little scheduling involved - it's more about relaxing and meandering here or there or nowhere!
***Funny story to end! Hubby is a volunteer fireman. They give him a hard time about sleeping through calls - he missed a call just down the road from us around Christmas because I couldn't wake him up! Well, a strong thunderstorm came through this morning and took out some trees and power lines in several parts of our county. Hubby turns on his fire radio and hears one of our guys call in route. A few minutes later, he sees flashing lights out the front door... A tree is blocking the road, and half of it is laying IN OUR YARD!!!! He was friggin' LATE to a fire call in our own YARD! Pretty funny, poor guy!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
What the #*+?=%?????
So I'm needing some GOOD news towards the end of a stressful day, and tell google as much. What's the first friggin' site that pops up? What else except, "Expecting a baby?" Hello, that's not exactly what I call good news! My husband doesn't have crappy sperm, or even low sperm counts... ZERO!!!!
In truly happy(-ier) news, my mom admitted last night that she new there was no hope for a pregnancy. I'm pretty sure I heard angels singing the hallelujah chorus on that one!
More health and job news coming soon.... Gotta make an appt for this stupid recurring cyst problem. Work is way too full of drama and fruit basket turnover! So that means I should probably get off my lunch break and go DO some work!
In truly happy(-ier) news, my mom admitted last night that she new there was no hope for a pregnancy. I'm pretty sure I heard angels singing the hallelujah chorus on that one!
More health and job news coming soon.... Gotta make an appt for this stupid recurring cyst problem. Work is way too full of drama and fruit basket turnover! So that means I should probably get off my lunch break and go DO some work!
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Ruptured Cysts SUCK
Day 3 of horrible cramping and lower back pain. Attempted to call the doctor yesterday to have my questions answered, ans was quivkly cut off andtold I talked to a different nurse the day before, and that doctor was off and I would have to call back next week, and something about I should stop bleeding "sometime next week," while she was talking to someone in the background.
So my sister's idea last night was to call the on-call number, tell them I ended up in the ER last time this happened, and the doctor on call would call me back. Except this is not like last time, it's so much worse! The cramps and backache are such that I would rip everything out right now if I could. I declined to call the doctor last night, but I'm thinking I will today. Something's gotta give!
So my sister's idea last night was to call the on-call number, tell them I ended up in the ER last time this happened, and the doctor on call would call me back. Except this is not like last time, it's so much worse! The cramps and backache are such that I would rip everything out right now if I could. I declined to call the doctor last night, but I'm thinking I will today. Something's gotta give!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Yep, another cyst.
Blah. I called the dr today, and the nurse said it sounds like another cyst, but this one ruptured. No more spotting last night, but I've been bleeding pretty much all day. Nurse said as long as pain continues to decrease, I shouldnakt need to come in.
My annual exam should be in July, and my plan before this was to wait it out until then to discuss options for being DONE. A hysterectomy would be splendid. I know I'm young and all that jazz, but I'm SO DONE. At least take this stinkin' left ovary. 2 months off bc, and it's been a miserable week. I couldn't really talk to the nurse when she called, as I had a therapist sitting in the pharmacy, waiting on meds for her patient who was getting out of the hospital, near closing time, on the day before a holiday. So, my plan is to call back tomorrow (I'm hoping they aren't closed!) and ask more questions. Will I have a "normal" period even though I'm bleeding now? Should I be prepared for hellacious cramping, or less-hellacious cramping? Should I start bc again until I get an appt and we discuss options? Could she please *not* inform me that if I'm ttc'ing that NOW is a great time to have sex? 'Cause, you know, that kinda requires an ingredient we rather lack. Sigh. I know she was just trying to help, but I struggled to keep it together to finish up my work.
My top choice: go ahead and take it ALL, it's doing me NO GOOD! At this point, I'd be more than happy to take hormones for the rest of my life. My next choice: please just take the left ovary! My ultimatum: if you're gonna leave everything intact, I need more pain meds. Like, enough that I don't have to ration them. Problem: I know what doctors think of people who request pain meds. I'm not big on taking meds for every little ache or twinge - I've always had that suck it up and deal with it attitude. Couple that with a pretty high threshold for pain, and by the time I'm hurting bad enough to take some meds, otc products don't really make the pain go away.
And work - well, that's a whole other post for another day, when I'm not on pain meds. Suffice it to say fruit basket turnover is about to begin, and come Monday it's a toss-up as to who is fired, who gets mad and quits, and what position those remaining assume. I'm fairly certain my job is not at stake, but then again, half of the ffice doesn't know anything is going on, and those who are aware were only inadvertently informed late today.
Here's to making it through a busy weekend, with 2 places to be for lunch and 2 places for supper. Oh, and Happy Easter!
My annual exam should be in July, and my plan before this was to wait it out until then to discuss options for being DONE. A hysterectomy would be splendid. I know I'm young and all that jazz, but I'm SO DONE. At least take this stinkin' left ovary. 2 months off bc, and it's been a miserable week. I couldn't really talk to the nurse when she called, as I had a therapist sitting in the pharmacy, waiting on meds for her patient who was getting out of the hospital, near closing time, on the day before a holiday. So, my plan is to call back tomorrow (I'm hoping they aren't closed!) and ask more questions. Will I have a "normal" period even though I'm bleeding now? Should I be prepared for hellacious cramping, or less-hellacious cramping? Should I start bc again until I get an appt and we discuss options? Could she please *not* inform me that if I'm ttc'ing that NOW is a great time to have sex? 'Cause, you know, that kinda requires an ingredient we rather lack. Sigh. I know she was just trying to help, but I struggled to keep it together to finish up my work.
My top choice: go ahead and take it ALL, it's doing me NO GOOD! At this point, I'd be more than happy to take hormones for the rest of my life. My next choice: please just take the left ovary! My ultimatum: if you're gonna leave everything intact, I need more pain meds. Like, enough that I don't have to ration them. Problem: I know what doctors think of people who request pain meds. I'm not big on taking meds for every little ache or twinge - I've always had that suck it up and deal with it attitude. Couple that with a pretty high threshold for pain, and by the time I'm hurting bad enough to take some meds, otc products don't really make the pain go away.
And work - well, that's a whole other post for another day, when I'm not on pain meds. Suffice it to say fruit basket turnover is about to begin, and come Monday it's a toss-up as to who is fired, who gets mad and quits, and what position those remaining assume. I'm fairly certain my job is not at stake, but then again, half of the ffice doesn't know anything is going on, and those who are aware were only inadvertently informed late today.
Here's to making it through a busy weekend, with 2 places to be for lunch and 2 places for supper. Oh, and Happy Easter!
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