Thursday, January 6, 2011

i'm just gonna be mad, okay?

I've got 30 minutes to pull it together, make it look like I've not cried, pack these dumb diapers and stupid wipes into the useless giftbag, and drive the 15 minutes to this dang baby shower. And repeat on Sunday. With a smile.
But right now, I'm just mad. I'm mad I looked like I was on a death march, just trying to walk through the dumb store. I'm mad that I just spent another 20 bucks to get somebody else more diapers, and I've yet to need any for my own children. I'm mad that I can't just enjoy the freakin shower. I'm just mad.
I'm mad that my mom will ask me what's wrong. I'm mad that I really gotta pee now, but I'm holding it in case I need to escape for a few minutes. I'm mad that well-meaning people are gonna ask me STOOPID STOOPID questions, and I'm gonna have to smile and give them a fake, happy answer, instead of "because we can't, you moron!" and a frown.
I'm. Just. Mad!!!!
I'll be even madder if I don't make it through this shower without tears. Have I mentioned that when I'm mad, I cry even more?
I'm just mad, but I'll get over it.

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