Are you following me?

Usually following is a bad thing... I've been followed late one night after work, by a co-worker's angry friend. Spent that night on someone's couch, because I was young and my parents were out of town. I've been followed, or stalked, rather, by a creepy guy in college, who showed up at my job in the library one day with roses and chocolate, asking me out. (Chances are, if I don't know your last name AND you freak me out AND embarass me, you're not getting a date. And mid*get wrestl*ing rings don't really make great first dates. Or twenty-first, or one-hundred-first, or ever. Just sayin') true story.... Yes, I've attracted several strange ones...
But alas, following in blogspeak is a GOOD thing. As long as you promise not to freak me out or show up at my job with chocolate and flowers. And since this blog is rather anonymous, I will be sufficiently freaked out simply by your showing up at my job. So, we haven't set up our computer at our new house yet, and I've been blogging from my blackbe*rry, which is great for letting off some steam @ work, but not so great in other ways. Specifically, I have a couple of followers, and my phone will not let me see who you are. If you do not mind, could you please let me know who you are? It's all good, I'm just curious!
(Hhhmmmm I guess if somehow you DID show up at my job, my favorite is dark chocolate. I also won't turn down a cold Dr Pep*per) I'll be the one hiding in the bathroom or back room, the one without mascara. More on that one later.

thanks for insulting my intelligence!

So I'm at work today, the last work day of the week, the last day before a holiday, with a f*ill-i*n phar*mist and no te*ch besides myself who knows how to use the computer. (Please excuse all the *'s, it's to keep the co*workers away, especially the o*ne I wish would q*uit like she always thre*atens when some*thing doesn't go her way)
We service mainly men*tal he*alth centers, gr*oup ho*mes, etc, with a little ass*isted liv*ing fac*iliti*es thrown in the mix for good measure. The nur*se @ one of those centers has insulted my intelligence many times before. Just last week, something happened, don't remember the details... But it all boiled down to, apparently he thinks I'm an idiot, and all I'm capable of is answering the phone and passing it on. He never gives me the opportunity to help him with anyone. Generally when this happens, I politely say the person requested is on the other line or with a customer, and again politely ask if I can help them. There ws a time when answering the phone and passing it on was all I could do, but now I run the frigging place, m'kay?
So Mr Rudeness asks for Favorite Co-Worker, then Main Pha*rmist, and when I politely inform him they were both off, and sweetly offer to help him, I get an explanation I've heard a billion times today on the biggest problem of the day, followed by: "Are you CAPABLE of looking this up on the computer?!?" Hateful, rude JERK!
Answer I gave (in syrupy sweet voice): "yes sir, of course!"
Answer I **wanted** to give: "Nooooo!!! I'm too STUPID to use the computer, but they leave me in charge. I am, however, completely capable of coming to your office and punching you right in the face for asking such an assanine question. Stop being such a $÷%= all the time, and let me show you that I AM able to help you, believe it or not!"
My boss, whom I was working with today, told me that whoever has a relationship with him, should set him straight. According tpo her, if we're gonna take care of his meds and do favors for him, the least he owes us is a little respect. The problem: his favorite person to talk to is Favorite Co-worker, which is, I'm sure, where he got his opinion that I'm incapable of oh, I dunno, breathing.
So glad to have a long weekend, and short week next week. Pha*rmist is omn vacation next week, should be an "interesting" week. Just hoping I can come home each day and celebrate that I made it through another day without punching anyone in the face.

Despite my reaction, I'm happy for them.

Well, maybe happy is a stretch right now. But I definitely am glad these 2 newly pregnant people don't have to know what it's like to *not* be able to get pregnant. I wouldn't wish this on most anyone. Good for them, they can have their version of happily ever after. It just kinda sucks to be me during this time.

If one more positive hpt gets shoved in my face this month... Or, craptastic, my little sister is pregnant

Yes, this craptastic month just keeps getting better! My little sister sent me a text of her positive hpt this morning. After being told I did NOT want to be told in a text. And I couldn't tell my other sister or mom, because she wanted to tell them Monday at a cookout she's having... And then a couple of hours later, I get a text from our older sister telling me she's sorry that younger sis is a moron (my words, not hers exactly). Now they've decided they just can't wait to tell everyone. Woohoo.
If one more person sticks one more thing they've peed on in my face this month, I may first choke them, then go check myself in somewhere.
My house is hot. My air is still not fixed, and I bullcrap you not, the guy reportedly will be there "whenever he can get there." I'm going home with my large papa jo*hn's pizza, I'm going to pour a mtn dew or 2 over some ice, and eat my pint of Ben and Jerry's even though I had dessert at lunch. I might do some wii boxing, since there are no batting cages in this stupid town. Now let's just hope I don't run into anyone I know while I run get my pizza.

This isn't the first time I've started to post this

I've written - and deleted - a million posts in the last couple of weeks. Before the drama-filled hell that was this past week, I was trying to write about how I was DONE.
I don't want to be infertile. I want to get off this crazy merry-go-round and quit watching other people live the life I want to have. I'm tired of hiding tears. I'm even tired of being the Fun Aunt. No, I'm not really tired of kids and I do still love that they love me... But I'm sooooooooooo tired of "just" being the aunt. The one who everyone 5 and under is instantly drawn to, the one who kids just invite themselves to play with, the one who is expected by most adults to take over playing with the kids, so they can go have their grown-up time. Not. The one those same kids go to when they're hurt, sick, or scared. Ouch.
Granted, this is not a life anyone would want... I've had more people than I care to add up tell me how "lucky" we are that we can just go and do as we please. I would gladly switch places with them, and let them see the flip side: the side they don't see - the "don't throw up. Don't cry. Don't cry or throw up," when you hear yet another pregnancy announcement. The curling up in tears on the couch because your house is TOO quiet. The inability to wear mascara because you never know when you might smear it with your tears.
It's hard NOT to feel like the entire universe is ganging up on me. Friday evening, I thought "whew. I'm done, I can get away from pregnancy talk, and have a break for most of the weekend. Then the universe slaps me in the face and our waitress keeps coming over and shoving her big belly over our table, and patting me on the back. I could only give hubby an incredulous, oh-my-gosh-you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me look. And he understood. So then I get sick during the meal, probably because that was just the last straw.
Is it just me, or is every other person knocked up right now? I just want to go hide under a rock for the next 9 or 10 months!!! I think if I see one more belly, I'm gonna lose it. Another reason I've deleted all those posts - more often than not, in the past couple of weeks, I've felt like I should quit my job and check myself in as a patient. I sound like a crazed lunatic. Hubby half jokingly agreed I need therapy. Only I wasn't really joking that much. I swore I'd never be "that crazy nut-job infertile lady," but I'm seeing how easily that happens. I've never had even a taste of alcohol, but there are days I just want to drink. I've yet to act on that, but wow would it be easy. Chocolate and a dr pepper just aren't doing it anymore.
I'm a hot mess. Or at least that's the real me... On the outside, I'm still the same smiling, laughing, giving, fun aunt I've always been... On the inside, I feel as if I'm barely managing some semblance of sanity. Just waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the last strand of the cord to break. So how do I get back to sanity?

Why do I do this to myself?

So I'm sitting here in the ob/gyn office, surrounded by pregnant women (okay, so I only see one obviously, but still) Why am I here? The New Girl in the Office is having some (suspected) complications, and I offered to come with her to the dr so she wouldn't have to go by herself... Because you should NEVER have to go by yourself for something like that. Our boss asked me if I would be okay, and ya know, I really am. Only a tiny part of me is wanting to bang my head against the wall. Why do I do this to myself? Because.I.Care. I'm pretty sure I got a dirty look from Favorite Coworker, but I'm also pretty sure I don't care. I've decided that I will be polite, I will communicate work-related things, and that's where I draw the line. I'm gonna stop there, though, because I also decided this morning that I'm not letting her get to me like that again today.
Hopefully, everything is okay with NewGirl. Maybe it's nothing. Why am I here? Because sometimes, you just have to put aside all of your "this is too painful for me," and give support to someone who needs it. And right now, there is a coworker in the exam room who needed a friend just in case something is wrong.

Why do I do this to myself?

So I'm sitting here in the ob/gyn office, surrounded by pregnant women (okay, so I only see one obviously, but still) Why am I here? The New Girl in the Office is having some (suspected) complications, and I offered to come with her to the dr so she wouldn't have to go by herself... Because you should NEVER have to go by yourself for something like that. Our boss asked me if I would be okay, and ya know, I really am. Only a tiny part of me is wanting to bang my head against the wall. Why do I do this to myself? Because.I.Care. I'm pretty sure I got a dirty look from Favorite Coworker, but I'm also pretty sure I don't care. I've decided that I will be polite, I will communicate work-related things, and that's where I draw the line. I'm gonna stop there, though, because I also decided this morning that I'm not letting her get to me like that again today.
Hopefully, everything is okay with NewGirl. Maybe it's nothing. Why am I here? Because sometimes, you just have to put aside all of your "this is too painful for me," and give support to someone who needs it. And right now, there is a coworker in the exam room who needed a friend just in case something is wrong.

What I Don't Want

***Your platitudes and fake hugs. There are plenty of people in my life who truly do care about me, and they give me all the REAL advice and hugs I need.
***Your attitude. If I can bite my tongue, so can you. I have managed to keep my mouth shut for a long time. You are thiscloseto finding out exactly how I feel, in no uncertain terms. If you're going to quit, then do it, but quit with the idle threats and stop making everyone else miserable because you hate your job. If it's that bad, then there's the door!
***Your pity. No, you actually don't have the first CLUE what it feels like to be me or to be in my situation. This is no pain olympics, and your loss was heartbreaking, but don't tell me you understand when you obviously can't begin to fathom.
***Your snake-in-the-grass two-facedness. And I'm fairly certain that's not a word. But if you have a question about something I've done, perhaps you should ask ME, and not go over my head and basically make sure our boss knows every mistake I make. Because it's only making YOU look bad. And do you know how many of YOUR mistakes and oversights I fix, without a mere MENTION to ANYONE??? You really make a lot of careless mistakes, but I usually chalk it up to your being stressed and busy. Seriously, in an entire multi-page report, you find *one* error that is mine, and the rest are *yours*.... But of course none of those are your fault, either, are they?
But I'm taught to turn the other cheek. And pray for you, my enemy, and bless you who spitefully use me. And as I do so, I heap flaming coals on your head. So how deep would ya like to be buried?

More drama in the workplace... I really want to punch her...

So our new girl is getting married this weekend, and she showed me her BFP this morning. Go ahead, do a double-take and read it again. But you read correctly the first time.
And from Favorite Co-worker, I get an "Are you okay?"... And when I say that yes, I will be, and that it's a lot easier to be told than NOT, or only be told because something's wrong, she jumped down my throat about how it was HER decision to not tell me, and she hadn't told anyone, not even her best friends... Then proceeded to smile and give me platitudes about how God will woork all of this out and He has His own special little plan just for me, complete with a fake half-hearted hug and all. I DO NOT DOUBT FOR A MINUTE THAT GOD WILL WORK IT ALL OUT!!!!! But don't chew me out because you hurt me, knew you hurt me, and never apologized, then turn around and try to put a bandaid on that huge wound you just ripped open. I. Really. Wanted. To. Hit. Her. Not the first time I've said that about her. Actually, a lot of people have thought the same. She's the one we get all the complaints on for being rude.
I couldn't even respond. I'm thinking about writing it all down, because I know I would stutter and stammer through trying to tell her off verbally, and forget half of what I wanted to say.
Oh, to top it off, she told me she understood how hard all of this is. Back up sister, you don't have a freakin' CLUE. You had 2 beautiful babies with no problems. You were never told it was impossible before you even got to try. You never had to face all of your married life smiling through the platitudes and stupid comments much like the ones you just gave. So don't tell me you understand, when obviously, you don't! How about an I'm sorry I hurt you, or a meaningful what can I do to help. No, you'd much rather be the bitch that you usually are.
Why do I care? WHY DO I CARE what she says, if I know that she's just a bitch, and always will be? It's nothing personal, she's just a spoiled little girl who will never grow up and admit she's wrong or apologize, and she's only concerned about herself. WHY DO I CARE??????? But I do, and I hate myself for it.
How do you politely give someone like this a piece of your mind? Or is too much casting your pearls before swine? Obviously she doesn't care about anyone besides herself, so will it even make a difference? But ya know, maybe I should do something one time Just.For.Me.

The Infertile's Obligatory Mother's Day Post

It's different for every person, every year. There's not a "right" or "wrong" way to celebrate/ignore/boycott the day. This year, I actually planned to skip church, months in advance. Before I knew we would be getting home from vacation at 3am, before I knew I would spend the few hours left in the night coughing and hacking my head off, before I knew I would only have to leave so that coughing and hacking wouldn't bother anyone else. Our church does baby dedications on Mother's Day, and I knew months ahead of time that this was not the year for that!
In years past, I either tried to conceal my tears through it all, or went to church with my mom. Except, now my mom goes to a church full of babies, including a set of triplets.
Call me selfish if you want, but I got a little more sleep, I leisurely read the paper, and I cleaned out the vacation junk from the car. And I didn't have to answer difficult questions from nosey people, or stare at the ceiling in an attempt to not cry, or loop "go to your happy place" through my head for an hour or two. Did anyone notice I was conspicuously absent on a major holiday, when I never miss? I don't know, and while if they did, it's fine, I'm equally okay if they just thought I was in the nursery or at church with my mom.
We celebrated our 3rd anniversary on our vacation. The magical one, where we suddenly have crossed the line, according to the agencies in our state, that we have been married long enough. This was the day we were waiting for, the only thing holding us back! .... Then we bought a new house, and haven't sold the old one, and realized exactly how expensive international adoption actually is. Now the cash is holding us back.
I was around some people who ignored that it was a difficult day, and I was around other people who acknowledged it - they didn't make a huge deal of it, but they let me know they were thinking of me. I much prefer the acknowledging.
It was not a bad day - I was good to myself, I gave the proper "happy mother's day"'s and showed up for and was emptionally stable for everything except church. It was a good day - any day I get to spend time with our families and see all of my babies (niece and nephews), it is a good day.

Screw the flooded cities, let's go to Disney World!!

We finally have a new plan in place. As of an hour or so ago, because we do best flying by the seat of our pants. We're about to begin the first leg of a 10-hour (likely longer, the way we stop) to Disney World. For the next several days, we can at least pretend that we can go on such a vacation on a whim. The truth is, the only way we can afford a big trip is because it's largely free. We are so thankful that hubby won that contest! Probably won't hear from me for a few days. ;)

Who Needs a Plan? Or, oh crap, BOTH cities we're supposed to be spending the next week in are under water!

So hubby wins this trip to Nashville. So we want to be gone longer than 2 nights, and decide to spend a couple of night in Memphis as well. WE ACTUALLY MADE RESERVATIONS!!!! Here's a usual vacation for us: throw some crap in the car and take off. We'll decide where we're going on the way there. Or we'll pick a city or general area, and find a room when we get there. We. Do. Not. Plan. And the one time we DO have a plan, some reservations in a swanky hotel, and even day-specific plans for trips to the zoo and shows, both cities flood.
So now, we're trying to find another place to go. 6 flags isn't open except for Saturday. Amish country is in the same area of TN of our original plan. The beach might be oily. I'm really trying to work out some crazy disney world plan, calling and begging for discounted rates, but in reality, I don't think we can swing it. I'm not giving up until I get to a real computer, and not just the trusty blackberry.
Bottom line: tomorrow night or Tuesday morning, we are loading my car and going SOMEWHERE outside of Alabama. Thanks for the cosmic kick-in-the-pants, though, Universe!

Irony:

Irony: I, the girl with no pregnancies or children, am telling my younger sister, who already has 1 child, how to get pregnant. The first one was an "accident," the only weekend her hubby was home from working out of town. This time it didn't happen the first month they started trying, so now I'm giving her quite the education. Isn't it ironic?