Monday, February 8, 2010

Another Nail in the Coffin. Or, hubby was diagnosed with diabetes today.

So I came in from work, threw down my keys, used the bathroom, checked the messages... The normal things I do on any given afternoon. Only this afternoon, there was a message from hubby's doctor's nurse. He needs to schedule an early morning appt, because he has diabetes. Not really a shock, he had a lot of signs and symptoms, but it still changes a lot of things. Namely our entire lifestyle. We are junk food junkies. Tea was meant to be cold and sweet. We've been known to drive 45 minutes away for an ice cream trip with friends. Any time we get together with family or friends, you can bet there will be a pan of brownies involved. Just this past Saturday, I surprised him with cinnamon rolls for breakfast. (Breakfast, IF we eat it at home, is usually whatever you can find) I could eat pasta until I died, and we have spaghetti on a near-weekly basis.
Not a surprise, but not something to be celebrated. Yet another reason to add to an already impossible MFI diagnosis... Actually, the genetic condition that causes our MFI increases the chance of diabetes. Another roadblock to international adoption -- not all countries will let you adopt if you have pre-existing conditions. The likelihood that we will remain childless rises. An unwelcome, impossibly difficult thought. Notice I say childLESS, not childFREE... I don't want to be free of kids. I want that responsibility, I want the sleepless nights, I will gladly take the poop and the puke and the drool and the screaming and crying. Because I also know the joy of firsts - smiles, foods, steps, words. I know that sweet clean baby smell. I love the feeling of those little arms wrapped tightly around your neck in big hugs. It scares me, it kills me to think of never having that.
I need a vacation... A literal vacation, free from work and all the drama there, free from questions, a chance to escape from everything and everyone except my hubby. A vacation from life.

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