(Read last post forr details)
Now I feel quiet sure the whole chQurch will know of our lack of fertility. We've been deep in the IF closet the whole time, with only a few family members and a few close friends knowing anything at all. We just recently got more vocal about our adoption plans, and there are lots of blissfully ignorant people who think we're gonna have "our own" (as if adoption produces fake, not-our-own-children?).
I did go to teach my class tonight, but told the music teacher that we needed to sing a lot... Usually if I'm having a teary day, if I can just get to my kids, I'm okay. Not so tonight. The music teacher sent me bnack home as soon as she saw my face. We stepped in the hall and I told her what was going on. She knows of our adoption plans and figured the rest out on her own... And it helps that she had a friend who went through IVF and the whole nine yards. I went home and kept myself busy preparing for our friends to cpome over after church, until time for preaching. I knew if I stayed busy, I would be more composed for church. After a brief breakdown to tell my SIL, I made it through the service. Having friends over was actually a good thing... I stayed busy and didn't sit around crying all night. One of those friends had several m/c's, and struggled to maintain the pregnancies that resulted in 2 healthy boys, and the music teacher had told her why I wasn't there for class... I love the music teacher, and she does a lot with the kids... But, well, she likes to talk... So now I'm sure word is getting out to everyone... I wanted people to know, but not this way. I wanted to step out of the closet on my own, not because someone dragged me out. Chalk up yet another loss, hand over more control.
To end on a better note, I have decided to take the high road, put away tha claws, and be the bigger person. I sent a text to the co-worker to tell her I was praying... Because I am, for real... Yes, I was/am1ill be for a while hurt. Yes, I am disappointed that "friends" didn't handle it better, or at least in the way I requested when they asked how to tell me. but she's worried and hurting and possibly losing a baby, and needs to be dealing with that. So I put on my bi#g gi#rl p#an#ties and I'm dealing with it. I may not have lost a baby (we've never made it that far), but I *have* lost the dream of a biological child. As most infertiles know, it is definitely possible to grieve for and miss someone who never really existed.